Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about this woman r.e headscarfs?

231 replies

boatdeliah · 15/12/2011 21:32

Okay so this may be my 2nd AIBU in as many days but this happened today and really upset me. But I suddenly thought that maybe I was BU about what I did in response - that maybe I over-reacted.

I had to go into a meeting today for work with another company (a formal sort of meeting - in board room, suits, presentations etc). There was about 6 people in the room.

It was a long meeting and thoughout the first half (we had planned a tea break) the woman from the other company kept looking at me (she is new, I have never met her before and when we were introduced they said that she was a graduate on a training scheme and so had been invited into the meeting)

We break for tea and all stand around chatting as you do. I went to pour myself another drink and she approached me.

Anyway after all the hellos and all she looks around and then says slightly quieter - that she doesn't mean to offend me but me wearing a headscarf offends her and would I mind removing it.

Umm - No. I said that yes I would mind and that I found her request very odd.

We got on with the meeting and she was silent for the rest of it (and kept glancing at me)

When we got back to our office - I phoned up the person incharge of her in her dept (who couldn't be in meeting but whom I know very well). Then emailed that person - CC in their head of HR and the person in charge of graduate schemes in that company, Saying what had happened, what I had said, and what I thought of the request, inappropiateness of it. Basically making a complaint just not making it very formal.
On the phone her manager did ask if I wanted to make it a formal compalint - and I said I didn't want to make a snap decision and I would talk to her on monday, but thought I should raise it. (I do know this manager very very well and for a long time)

DH thinks I should just do whatever I feel is right on Monday.

But sitting hear tonight sans headscarf I've got thinking 'did I over do it?' - she's young and new and would have just an email to her manager been alright, and if this becomes something will i may have ruined something for her, she asked I said no - have I made a mountain out of a mole hill? this company could come down hard on this woman is taht fair because of something I have done?

(I wear a mitpachat/snood thing btw)

OP posts:
cantpooinpeace · 16/12/2011 07:44

Very odd behaviour IMO.

Next time you see her ask her exactly what it is about the headscarf that offends her - the colour, pattern or just it's presence. I mean seriously who gets offended by a headscarf. People need to get a fucking grip!

StealthPenguin · 16/12/2011 08:10

A headscarf?! Really?!?!

That's pretty much like saying "I don't like your headband. It's offensive to me"

What on earth will she complain about next?! A BOBBLE?! Someone needs to seriously get over themselves. Complete tosspot.

KeepInMindItsAlmostChristmas · 16/12/2011 08:14

I don't think you are BU at all, she was very rude, I would be mortified if some idiot came up to me and said " oh would you remove your crucifix I find it offensive"

Stupid woman.

Flubba · 16/12/2011 08:34

I too am incredulous Shock at this woman's audacity and inapropriateness. Am keen to see how it pans out though. FWIW I would make it a formal complaint just so you know it definitely gets dealt with and not swept under the carpet.

Unless the fabric of your headscarf was really, really, really ugly and she thought it clashed with the rest of your outfit?! Wink :)

canistartagainplease · 16/12/2011 08:35

Do you know what she was offended by?
Was she anti isreali/jewish; was she "worried" you might not be well, (cancer).
She was young and you had seniority, so it was a really wierd thing for her to do, cant think why she thought she had a right to request anything.
You have every right to say no, but i wonder if her awkwardness is due to something else?

FanjoForTheReindeerJumper · 16/12/2011 08:45

am getting sick of the wee digs on MN at people who ever dare to mention SN too..first this thread "do i get a prize for mentioning" and then on another one about people fighting some snipy person wrote "I am waiting for someone to say they have SN"...wtf?

FanjoForTheReindeerJumper · 16/12/2011 08:45

and as for OP...how utterly offensive of the woman!!!! YANBU

Flubba · 16/12/2011 08:46

If she was worried that the OP might not be well canistartagainplease, then she wouldn't ask her to remove the scarf that might be covering a loss of hair.

GwendolineMaryLacedwithBrandy · 16/12/2011 08:48

I'm pissing myself at "none of you know what went on..." because bugger me, if we only ever discussed things on here where we had both sides of the story and all details then Justine et al would be playing freecell all day.

lady007pink · 16/12/2011 08:49

What an upstart (the woman who made the remark, not you OP)! I think you should make a formal complaint - you would be doing her a favour if you did, she might think before she makes another appropriate remark to somebody else!

Ooh, the bloody cheek of her - makes me Xmas Angry. So i can only imagine how you feel!

TheScarlettPimpernel · 16/12/2011 08:49

I find this.... how can I put this delicately? ... absolutely unbelievable.

And yes to the Shock of aligning ASD with bigotry. My lovely nephew would no more cause such offence than punch a kitten. He has Asperger's, he's not a flipping sociopath Hmm

mummytime · 16/12/2011 08:49

YANBU she was. I probably wouldn't take it further (unless hinted that you should by her company). She needs drastic re-training, as it was offensive and totally inappropriate.

melika · 16/12/2011 08:52

Agree with Mummytime, It would be like, please take that cardi off cos I hate the colour orange and it offends me. Some of these scarfs are very attractive, yesterday I saw shop assistant wearing one with diamantes strung across it. I was envious.

NormanTebbit · 16/12/2011 09:00

I think it's a very strange thing to have happened. Headscarves are everywhere - teachers, doctors, mums at school gates. Everywhere. It's very odd the girl remarked on it at all.

I think she needs a word of two from her boss about appropriate behaviour in meetings, not a formal complaint.

valiumredhead · 16/12/2011 09:00

I think I would probably just have laughed at her - silly woman!

cory · 16/12/2011 09:01

I find it completely unbelievable that this young woman could have attended a British university and be unfamiliar with headscarves; she must know her request was offensive. The next thing she needs to be taught is that she can get into trouble over it.

StupidLikeButton · 16/12/2011 09:01

I kept thinking about this yesterday....OP I feel upset for you because the woman was being really awful and disgusting....quietly saying something. It reminds me of when I was 18 and worked in a Golf Club bar...this hideous man kept whispering the N word close to a black man who was standing at the bar...being young I couldn't bring myself to say something....I s wish I had had the nerve now...and the black man looked completely oblivious..though now my bet is that he was not...he kept laughing and joking with hs mates and gnoring this man whispering obcenities.

I went and told the manager and he went out and removed the man..but not in a "get out now you horror" way but in a arm round the shoulders "come and look at the new ballroom" way....he didn't want a big row....he was a wimp too.

StupidLikeButton · 16/12/2011 09:03

cory that's right....I think it's extreme racism....I think it's like the man I mentioned in my post above.

mrsjay · 16/12/2011 09:08

well shes going to get far isnt she not even in employment yet offending her superiors , stupid girl and you did the right thing , how dare she say that to you not only was it rude but innaprpriate to say this to somebody who could help with her career , shes an arse I would make a formal complaint if i were you ,

startail · 16/12/2011 09:24

UANBU
You are being educational Grin
My BF Jewish, but reform rather than Orthodox and I knew orthodox married women wore wigs. I hadn't seen that style of scarf before. I've just watched a utube video of tying one. It's really pretty and shows the whole face. In no way could it be offensive or a barrier to communication.
(I personally find the full face coverings disconcerting, since I tend to like smile and chat to people).
The woman is being very offensive and totally out of order to say anything.
Apart from the fact someone I knew tied her scarf like that just after her chemo.

PieCherry · 16/12/2011 09:35

OMG - cannot believe what I've just read!
YANBU
I would take it further.

The fact that she felt she had the "right" to ask you to remove your scarf when you were in a more senior position to her, in a formal meeting, speaks VOLUMES about her racist attitude. It is completely unaceptable.

I would be so interested in the outcome of this...

mumwithdice · 16/12/2011 09:39

YANBU. FWIW, if I'd spoken to you, it would have been to compliment you and ask where you got it. I had to google mitpachat too and have been happily educated. They look lovely.

upsydaisysexstylist · 16/12/2011 09:42

She needs someone at her company to explain how rude she was and how unacceptable it was and that she could get in serious trouble whatever her personalviews are. When I worked in front line service for local council this would have been explicitly against the code of conduct all staff signed up to and taken very seriously.

Am confused as to why she found it offensive though , having googled, as I would not really have known you were wearing it for religous reasons , as I expect in December most of the people in the meeting also had what would be considered modest dress on due do time of year.

Lets face it if she keeps expressing views like this she will not get very far with the social networking,

cumbria81 · 16/12/2011 09:46

I don't really like headscarves or what they represent (just my opinion) but you're fully entitled to wear one for whatever reason and I don't give a shit if you do. She was being completely unreasonable.

DoesNotGiveAFig · 16/12/2011 09:50

YANBU - Formal complaint is the way to go IMO, or she'll carry on with this attitude.