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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to take real coffee with me when visiting someone ?

196 replies

Tillyscoutsmum · 13/12/2011 19:27

OK. I accept I am a bit of a coffee snob. I don't drink that much of it but do enjoy a cup in the morning and after meals. I only like proper ground coffee and really can't stomach instant.

So, here is the dilemma. We are visiting someone over Christmas for 5 days. They only have instant coffee. They are fantastic hosts. The food, wine etc. is always lovely (and more importantly, they are generally great company). I do miss a decent cup of coffee though Sad

WIBU to take along our cafetiere and some ground coffee to use whilst we are there or would that be really offensive ?

OP posts:
LemonDifficult · 13/12/2011 21:49

If you are happy to drink the lovely wine and eat the lovely food then just put up with the coffee - they are having you to stay for 5 days.

As someone who has spent literally days and days of effort on getting everything comfortable and welcoming for my house guests and dinner guests this Christmas, I think I might feel a bit demoralised if someone thought I'd failed on the most basic provision of hot drinks. OK, I admit I'm over-sensitive to it because I'm putting so much effort in because I want to be a good host but if your hosts are the same then they might be put out.

You might think 'well, it's different because it's coffee' (why?) - but to your host it might be exactly the same thing as saying 'You don't mind if I re-iron this sheet do you? You know how I am about my bedding'.

campergirls · 13/12/2011 22:04

'I might feel a bit demoralised if someone thought I'd failed on the most basic provision of hot drinks.' So, don't fail. Whatever you drink yourself, keep in some decent coffee, and a selection of black, green and herbal teas. Plus hot choc (I know adults who don't drink any kind of tea or coffee). Not difficult.

inkyfingers · 13/12/2011 22:13

problem is you started off saying you were a 'coffee snob' which means you look down on the instant drinkers. Just take the cafetiere and ground and make clear any can join you for a cup. If you're hosts prefer weaker instant, fine; why should they be offended, they don't like your coffee. Make a joke about it and make clear your pleasure at their food and company. Also treat them to meal out/round of drinks.
I loathe instant coffee and would be right there with my columbian grounds and a slug of milk....!

LemonDifficult · 13/12/2011 22:14

campergirls - Confused but isn't the point that these hosts don't know that they aren't providing good coffee?

perfumedlife · 13/12/2011 22:27

People shouldn't be so sensitive. Do we expect guests to eat liver/tripe/insert most loathed food, just because that's what we are having? A hostess wants her guests to be happy. We don't get offended when they bring beauty bags with their preferred shower gel/soap/toothpaste. What's different about coffee.

Seems to me people are a little on the touchy side about liking what they like, and they ought not to be. I used to love instant and hate ground, now it's the opposite. Doesn't make me a snob or my non ground hosts phillistines. Good manners are not the same as good etiquette. It's good manners to ensure your guests feel comfortable and at home, and getting all put out when they bring their coffee is not putting their needs/comfort first.

campergirls · 13/12/2011 22:29

But how could you not know that if you only offer instant? Really weird if they provide good food and drink. I do see I'm not helping the OP at all by saying this, I just think it's peculiar that her friends are getting something so straightforward wrong when they are otherwise excellent hosts.

There is something so British about the whole idea of being a coffee snob - the idea that wanting to drink properly made coffee makes you somehow a bad person... So depressing (though not half as depressing as the prospect of 5 days without coffee!).

makachu · 13/12/2011 22:33

I think it's a bit rude to bring your own coffee and coffee maker unless it's to a very close friend or family member who'd know your preference anyway and either make sure they've got coffee in for you or not mind. The way to go is definitely to but the coffee and cafetiere as a thank you for letting us stay gift. OR insist upon getting breakfast, buy some croissants, eggs whatever, some snacks and some of those one cup filter coffee things you can get these days where you rest them on the top and pour the water through. I haven't tried them but they must be a step up from nescafe. I wouldn't like someone deciding that my drinks selection isn't good enough for them before they've even got to my house.

perfumedlife · 13/12/2011 22:36

I don't know campergirls. My parents eat only the best organic produce, they really know how to live well Smile Everything is sourced and cooked to perfection, the house is stunning, they love entertaining. But, until last summer, coffee was a cup of instant. Over the years I've taken numerous cafettiers, pots, sachets, they enjoyed them but couldn't be faffed making it themselves.

Now they have a gaggia and a nespresso for each of the bedrooms! They either go the whole hog or not atall. It's just not a big deal to people if they enjoy instant and why would it figure on their radar? Plus, I think entertaining at home where we live, drinks usually involve the alcohic variety more often than not Xmas Grin

Get0rf · 13/12/2011 22:37

I wouldn't care - I never drink coffee at home, so don't have any in the cupboard, so if a real coffee fiend came along I wouldn't be offended in the slightest.

I think buying a gift would be rather naff, and condescending, as in 'here is REAL coffee, let me educate you'

cory · 13/12/2011 22:38

My MIL wasn't a very good cook: should I have taken my own food and explained that I didn't like hers? When does honesty become rudeness?

fwiw I think all English coffee tastes vile, but should I say so?

LemonDifficult · 13/12/2011 22:38

'Good manners are not the same as good etiquette. It's good manners to ensure your guests feel comfortable and at home, and getting all put out when they bring their coffee is not putting their needs/comfort first.' I agree, but what about good manners from the guest?

I think you're imagining that the OPs hosts may get huffy ('put out') by the coffee. I don't think that's likely, or that they'll say anything. More likely is that they'll take note and either be demoralised - as you might be if someone you'd made a lot of effort for clearly needed X that you hadn't provided - or pissed off that something extra is happening in their kitchen over Christmas.

perfumedlife · 13/12/2011 22:44

Hi Lemon, I was referring to anothere poster saying it would offend her if a guest did this. I have no idea if the op's friends would be offended but am saying if they did, they would be putting their pride/feelings above their guests. I think the guest simply has to take some coffee/sachets/pot/whatever and if she discovers only instant, be honest and say here's one I prepared earlier Smile It's laughing at your own need for your morning shot, not a reflection on a hosts provisions atall.

If you get demoralised at something like coffee preferece I'm not sure hosting for five days over Christmas is the best idea in the world really, fraught as it can be.

LemonDifficult · 13/12/2011 22:49

'If you get demoralised at something like coffee preferece I'm not sure hosting for five days over Christmas is the best idea in the world really, fraught as it can be.'

Who knows what the OPs hosts are going to get demoralised or humoured or whatever about? However, the OP can hardly ring up and say, 'So are you touchy about your crap coffee?'! Probably just best to stay on the 'easy guest' side, is what I'm saying.

Original poster
Tillyscoutsmum · 13/12/2011 22:52

Wow - lots of responses. Sorry for going AWOL - I have been wrapping presents (joy !).

So, I didn't want to put it in the OP because I didn't want it to turn into one of those threads, but it is my MIL and FIL we will be staying with. There are no MIL issues - she is lovely and we get on really well. We stay there a lot - probably for a weekend about every 6 weeks but because its usually only 1 night, its not too much of an issue. However, because its for 5 days and over Christmas, I know I'll feel a bit deprived without my naice coffee Xmas Wink. We could leave a cafetiere and some coffee there for future use though. We could take the Nespresso or the grinder with us instead but that may be a step too far Xmas Grin

I desperately don't want to be one of those guests (and I am not fecking middle aged Xmas Hmm). They do bring bedding when they stay with us because FIL doesn't like duvets. I'm not remotely offended. It saves on washing. It is tricky though. As I said, they are great hosts and I am very grateful to them for hosting us for 5 days over Christmas so I really don't want to risk offending them. Maybe I'll just drink instant with a shed load of brandy in it to hide the taste Xmas Grin

OP posts:
MmeLindor. · 13/12/2011 22:52

It very much depends on the friends.

I would not be insulted but then I am a coffee snob anyway.

We gave my parents our old Nespresso machine because they only drink instant, and before that we used to buy our own coffee.

LemonDifficult · 13/12/2011 22:54

OK, YANBU, very different if it's close family.

CuriousMama · 13/12/2011 22:54

I got dp one of these for work.

MmeLindor. · 13/12/2011 22:54

You need one of these

Obviously.

:o

perfumedlife · 13/12/2011 22:58

I get you Lemon. I love having folk to stay and have realised now that the easiest guests are the ones who say what they need, treat the place like home and stop me always wondering if they are happy and everythings to their liking. I like them to ask for stuff or bring their own. But everyone is differnent and so I suppose that's why this issue has such opposing opinions.

andaPontyinaPearTreeeeee · 13/12/2011 22:58

My parents buy coffee filter thingies to keep at our house. They wouldn't drink instant in a million years.

I don't find it offensive though, as we don't drink coffee at all. If they want it when they're here they can (and happily do) pay for it! :o

This thread reminded me, I need to remind them to get some more for Xmas. And wine, as we don't drink that either.

mockingjay · 13/12/2011 23:12

soooo outing myself as not a coffee snob here, but what exactly is a cafetiere? is it a plunger, or some kind of machine? totally fine imo to take your plunger, but not a bigger appliance.

brighthair · 13/12/2011 23:15

Take the coffee. I like people feeling at home when they stay and everyone has their own quirks Grin
My mum takes M&S teabags in her handbag everywhere!
I'd offer them coffee when I made it and if they like it leave it and a bag of coffee as a gift?

exoticfruits · 13/12/2011 23:27

If it is family, and a generally good relationship, I would take it.

Slightlytinsellyexpat · 13/12/2011 23:32

I take a cafetiere mug when we go away. It's like a small cafetiere but you drink out of it when the plunger is down, iyswim. Very portable. I won't drink instant. Gives me wind, actually! :o

This is what you need OP, this mug.

Slightlytinsellyexpat · 13/12/2011 23:34

Sorry, I see that Curiousmama recommended the same mug. Great minds!

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