To expect my ex to see his son on Christmas day FROM MY POINT OF VIEW

[fabsi]

Ok, so yesterday i posted a thread, perhaps in bitterness, to see just unreasonable my ex and his wife are being. I am a lone parent, my ds is 5 and has a good relationship with my ex, his sm and his dcs. My son stays over every saturday night and adores his time with his dad and ss. Last year, my ex "told" me he wouldn't be coming over on christmas day as the year before his dd was "very" upset when he left and didn't want the same happening again this year. I said no way! He did come over in the end, but only stayed 40 minutes. He has asked me a couple of times what to do about bringing the presents over for ds, as he doesn't want to bring them on christmas day, he should have them to open from santa. Fair enough. But i know what's coming. He split with me after 10 years together, he said he'd never loved me and had found someone else. 4 months after we spilt, i found out i was pregnant and i was 6 months gone (no i didn't know, it was never planned and i never thought i could get pregnant as i have a disability and my periods have always been all over the place) I asked for him back several times, but he was in love with his new woman and i was left alone, thankfully i have a supportive family. I had my son and he came to visit every week, at first i didn't want any contact (ds and sm) because i was obviously incredibly bitter. Then sm got pregnant and had a dd and then a year later got married. I admit, i did make access hard, and didn't allow him to take ds out, so he went to a solicitor and i gave in and said ok. I'm glad i did, as ds loves my ex and his family. Yes, i hate her. For taking my man away, but i know she treats ds as one of her own. But, i have heard, from ex's family memebers she doesn't like ex coming over on xmas day and so i think she is the reason he doesn't really want to come over, to keep her happy. THERE IS NO WAY I WOULD EVER ALLOW MY SON over to his dads on xmas day. I am alone and he is all i have. His dad should make the effort to come over here, as many of you have said, his other children have him ALL DAY!!! Sorry for reverse AIBU, but i really do hate that he or she doesn't want to see ds on xmas day. It made me feel better. So, thank you for all your replies.

I think you sound awful

I pity your poor son and your ex

Could your ex bring his DD and DW with him to see DS on christmas morning? As you say your DS is treated like one of her own so im sure he would love to see them all.

She didn't take your man away. He went of his own accord. It's HIM that's an arse, not the lady. Although I get why you would "hate" her.

Have you asked him outright why he's not coming over? I understand completely why you don't want to be left on your own xmas day. Is there no way to let go of the bitterness and all meet up so noone's left out? Or is that too far?

You admitted to using emotional blackmail in your previous thread

There's obviously a lot of bitterness here, but don't use your DS in a battle with your ex. I've seen that happen where I work, and one mum has no contact at all with her grown up DS. Be the better person here, show some reasonableness, give in a little and look, in a very reasonable and nice way, for pay back in due course.

I don't see why i should let him have ds over his?? He should make the effort to come here, albeit for a hour!

If your DS stays over on Saturday he will see his Father on Christmas morning.

"let him"

Do you own your son?

You are making this about YOU when it should be about your son.

You say that your family were very supportive when all this happened so if DS went to his dads could you not spend Christmas day with your family? Or with friends? Or volunteering?
I think you are BU not allowing your DS to go to his dads for Christmas, what would happen if your DS wither now or in the future said he wanted to go there?

YANBU to want your ex to spend one measly hour on christmas day to see his son. Your DS's siblings and their mum should just deal with it imo- she's being an over precious twat and your ex is a spineless crap weasel imo.

BUT there may come a day when your DS will decide he wants to spend the whole day at his dad's, and although it'll hurt you should suck it up and let him go without a guilt trip. You would still have other days to spend with your DS over christmas that could be just as special. Life is what you make it after all.

I do feel for you, I really do. I'm pretty sure I'd feel bitter in this situation, but please don't let it comsume you so much you come off the bad guy. Whatever happens have a lovely christmas OP

Could you compromise and allow your son to his fathers in the afternoon on xmas day?
I think it is very unfair of you to ban your DS from going to his fathers on xmas day. I doubt the new wife has a problem with him seeing his son, it is probably more to do with the fact that their family xmas morning is disrupted because you insist on DS's dad visiting him at your house, maybe she is fed up of having it your way every year...

I like my son here, with me on Christmas day, so no he won't be staying christmas eve at his dads. He can ever bring his other children with him here, but i don't think IABU wanting him to come over here on Christmas day.

"THERE IS NO WAY I WOULD EVER ALLOW MY SON over to his dads on xmas day"

This ^ right there ^ is why I think you are being very very unreasonable and I have no sympathy for you AT ALL.

Why cant your son be with his daddy on Xmas Day? How horrible of you.

I pity your son.

I am a SM. We do alternate Christmases. It works much better for us. If you can't bear the thought of that, then you can't expect to control how your ex spends Christmas.

Enjoy your day with your son, and maybe next year think about letting him have a day with his other family. Because that is what they are.

God you sound so much like my dh's ex.He was never allowed to have his son even one xmas ...and he is now 18. Not one single xmas with his family (incl gparents and siblings),not one xmas meal with us.......really unfair and just because of sheer "me-ism"

They DO want to see your (and his) son on Christmas day. But on their terms, not controlled by you.

I am a stepmother.

I would be really hacked off if dh 'had' to go and see his children, at his ex's house, on Christmas day when we are willing and able to have them here to share in the whole celebration, not just open some presents in a snatched bit of time.

Christmas is about so much more than presents - it is about your son being with his siblings, and his other family - who by your own admission he adores.

He (your son) has every right to take full part in whatever celebrations and customs go on in that house as he does to take part in your Christmas.

YABVU to ever say "there is no way I would ever allow..." anything given the fact that your son has a good relationship with his father, sees him regularly, clearly loves spending time with him (and vice versa - his father was bothered enough to seek contact via courts, which is not an easy route to take).

You need to start doing what is best for your son. And 'keeping' him all to yourself is not in his best interests, and neither is trying to control your ex through your son.

Fabsi... you do know that you don't own ds don't you? You do realise if your ex took you to court he would get MORe access and you would be forced to relinquish every other Xmas with ds. He is not your possession. So what if you don't have him on Xmas day because YOU will ne left alone

It's not about you

But it isn't about what you want. It is about what is best for your DS.
This might well come back and bite you on the arse in the future when your DS asks why you didn't let him go to his dads for Christmas.

Ha, even better - you don't want to be alone but you're happy to leave his DW alone and have all the kids and him at yours????!!!!!!!!