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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my ex to see his son on Christmas day FROM MY POINT OF VIEW

575 replies

fabsi · 13/12/2011 10:29

Ok, so yesterday i posted a thread, perhaps in bitterness, to see just unreasonable my ex and his wife are being. I am a lone parent, my ds is 5 and has a good relationship with my ex, his sm and his dcs. My son stays over every saturday night and adores his time with his dad and ss. Last year, my ex "told" me he wouldn't be coming over on christmas day as the year before his dd was "very" upset when he left and didn't want the same happening again this year. I said no way! He did come over in the end, but only stayed 40 minutes. He has asked me a couple of times what to do about bringing the presents over for ds, as he doesn't want to bring them on christmas day, he should have them to open from santa. Fair enough. But i know what's coming. He split with me after 10 years together, he said he'd never loved me and had found someone else. 4 months after we spilt, i found out i was pregnant and i was 6 months gone (no i didn't know, it was never planned and i never thought i could get pregnant as i have a disability and my periods have always been all over the place) I asked for him back several times, but he was in love with his new woman and i was left alone, thankfully i have a supportive family. I had my son and he came to visit every week, at first i didn't want any contact (ds and sm) because i was obviously incredibly bitter. Then sm got pregnant and had a dd and then a year later got married. I admit, i did make access hard, and didn't allow him to take ds out, so he went to a solicitor and i gave in and said ok. I'm glad i did, as ds loves my ex and his family. Yes, i hate her. For taking my man away, but i know she treats ds as one of her own. But, i have heard, from ex's family memebers she doesn't like ex coming over on xmas day and so i think she is the reason he doesn't really want to come over, to keep her happy. THERE IS NO WAY I WOULD EVER ALLOW MY SON over to his dads on xmas day. I am alone and he is all i have. His dad should make the effort to come over here, as many of you have said, his other children have him ALL DAY!!! Sorry for reverse AIBU, but i really do hate that he or she doesn't want to see ds on xmas day. It made me feel better. So, thank you for all your replies.

OP posts:
wrongagain · 13/12/2011 11:29

Fabsi, I find your whole attitude disgusting. Your DS is a child with a mother and a father. Why can't he go to his dads on Christmas day for a few hours? You are only causing issues for your son. That poor kid would probably love to see his whole family on Christmas day, yet you don't seem to be able to let go of the fact your ex doesn't want you and is happy with his new family, he wants to include his son into that family too, I don't blame his new wife for not wanting him to leave their family on Christmas day. Christmas is a time for families, and you need to get over the fact your ex doesn't want you and that his family consists of his wife, children with her and your DS. Not you! You may be the mother of his son but you are nothing else to your ex, why would he want to be with you on Christmas day and not his family?! One day your son will resent you for this, and I hope to god your ex does take you to court one day for more access. Maybe then you'll realise how unreasonable you are being!

ThisIsANickname · 13/12/2011 11:30

Call me selfish, but UNTIL ds asks me if he can, i will not be suggesting it

I notice you don't say "until DS asks me if he can, in which case of course I will make arrangements for him."

But then even if you did, I think we all know you'd be talking loads of rubbish.

LingDiLong · 13/12/2011 11:30

Fabsi, so has your ex not asked for more than that hour then? That's pretty shit and depressing in itself actually. I think you are BOTH the problem here. Neither of you seem willing to compromise - your ex won't come over for an hour but isn't suggesting an alternative that involves him seeing his child at Christmas. You want him to come for that hour but seem unwilling to consider any alternatives. The pair of you are in danger of ruining your son's Christmas with your stubborness. You don't need to ask your son what he wants to do at Christmas, you know him well enough. What would he really like? How can you facilitate that? THEN worry about what works for the grown ups.

QuintessentiallyFestive · 13/12/2011 11:31

I am going to tell you about my friend, Marianne.

She is married with two children, aged 6 and 3. Her husband has been married before, and has 3 children from this marriage, aged 18, 16 and 14. Her husbands exwife has also a 6 year old son, from a new relationship (now broken down so she is single). They have shared parenting of the 14 and 16 year old (the 18 year old has moved out, she is a student), they live in reasonable distance to each other, so the kids can walk from school to either home.

For Christmas, Marianne and her husband are hosting for everybody. 3 adults, 6 kids, and grandparents. They are now all friends. They are 6 happy and well adjusted kids who know and trust the adults bringing them up.

It is possible. You just have to move on, rid yourself of jealousy and try and see the positive in the situation. Your son has a dad that loves him, a stepmum who is good to him, and 2 siblings he can grow up with and love, and be loved by. If you let him. (Soon enough he might chose this all on his own accord, and it is better for you if you have not tried to alienate him)

QuintessentiallyFestive · 13/12/2011 11:32

Maybe her ex knows the op wont budge, so does not risk ask for more?

silverfrog · 13/12/2011 11:33

LingDiLong - given the ds should actually be at his dad's (for regular contact period) for Christmas eve/Christmas morning, and the OP has refused this - why on earth do you expect the ex to be asking for more than an hour? he knows it will not be granted, as he has already been refused his regular access.

MrsJAlfredPrufrock · 13/12/2011 11:34

Why don't you just alternate having your son for Christmas day? So he could wake up at yours and you could open presents and things and then you could go and drop him off at his dad's house and he could have lunch with that bit of his family and stay over til the next day. Next year he could spend christmas eve at his father's house, wake up, open pressies, and his dad could drop him back to yours for lunch with you and yours.

ChristinedePizanne · 13/12/2011 11:36

sitandnatter - I know! My ex-bf's mother was like the OP and now he is an adult, he refuses to spend time with her. It's very, very sad and she has become more and more bitter

blondie80 · 13/12/2011 11:37

fabsi, i think i agree with you on this. YANBU wanting your ds with you on christmas day and allowing him some time at yours with his dad.

Everyone else seems to have missed the fact that your ex dropped seeing his son FOR AN HOUR because his new family will miss him, but think that it's ok for you to do without him for the day? Hmm

And I think your ex wants to leave presents before christmas day this year because he's not going to show on the day.

I think the next time (like last year) when your ex says he's not coming over just say 'ok' and enjoy the day with your son, no point forcing him to come. When he's older your ds will realise that his dad put him second best to his new family.

There is no need to try to use him to cause strife in your ex's new relationship even though it may be hard, don't hold a grudge as you will turn into a loon

Icolana · 13/12/2011 11:37

My exh used to come for christmas day as I thought he should be with DS to see him open his presents. This year I have had to tell exh that due to his obssesive nehaviour and banning him from the house that he cant be here. I have agreed with him that DS can go to his on christmas day night though.
I understand how difficult it all is. You want to have your DS with you but also want him to see his dad. Its terrible knowing what to do for the best but I agree that he should see his dad somehow on christmas day if it can be arranged.

herbietea · 13/12/2011 11:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

OddBaubles · 13/12/2011 11:38

Sorry, did you actually say you'd ask a 5 year old to choose between his parents?

sickoftheemails · 13/12/2011 11:39

What a horrible horrible way to live you life OP. All that ugly ugly anger and resentment :( God, move on and get some joy out of your life.

LingDiLong · 13/12/2011 11:40

silverfrog, I didn't think it was clear that that is what happened. OP, has your ex asked for normal contact and you've refused? Or have you only discussed this usual hourly visit?

LtXmasEve · 13/12/2011 11:41

Again, i want to echo, the actual problem is my xp NOT wanting to come over here FOR AN HOUR on xmas day. I really cannot see how IABU

Why should he, just because it is what you want? Earlier you state that his 'DW has your ex every day of the week'.... even putting DW in quotes as it she isn't really his wife. I think that is more the problem. You want your ex back, even now. You are bitter towards his wife because she has what you want. He knows it, his DW knows it and they do not want to be in that position - its not about your ex not wanting to see his son for an hour - he doesn't want to see you for that hour...

Love, you have got to give this up, you really have.

silverfrog · 13/12/2011 11:42

he shouldn't have to ask for nornal contact, though - it is regular, and just part of life.

so therefore, presumably at some point OP has said 'oh, btw, regular contact not happening that week, but you can come over to us for an hour in the morning'

why should OP's ex agree to this? it is controlling in the extreme.

KatAndKit · 13/12/2011 11:42

blondie, have you missed the fact that the OP is refusing the usual saturday night visit?

ViviPrudolf · 13/12/2011 11:43

Yes, what silverfrog said ^^

Is it just assumed OP that at Christmas time, your usual arrangement (DS at Dads for the weekend) won't apply, or did a conversation to this effect take place?

LtXmasEve · 13/12/2011 11:43

Everyone else seems to have missed the fact that your ex dropped seeing his son FOR AN HOUR because his new family will miss him, but think that it's ok for you to do without him for the day

Blondie, I think you are missing the fact that the OP doesn't know this - she is just assuming this.

blondie80 · 13/12/2011 11:45

To all who hope ex applies for more access,

OP ds is 5, if he hasn't done it by now, he most likely never will.

iloveroses · 13/12/2011 11:48

You sound a very bitter and nasty person, and are VVU. HTH.

LtXmasEve · 13/12/2011 11:48

blondie - OPs ex has already done it, because she wasn't giving him regular access - she was refusing to let him take his own son out...

silverfrog · 13/12/2011 11:49

I dont think that necessarily follows, blondie.

OP (by her own admission) restricted access when the ds was a baby, and the dad sought legal help then. OP then gave in, and 'allowed' the limited access he now has.

I think it is highly likely, if OP continues to be this controlling, that her ex will seek further access through the courts. It may be a couple more years (he might need ot save the money, for example, or even just pluck up the courage - it is fairly usual for people with a history of using the children as pawns to be obstructive while a court case is ongoing - all in the name of 'relieving stress on the child' of course Hmm), but I think it will come.

FontSnob · 13/12/2011 11:50

Wow, YABU and massively so, however, someone has agreed with you, so that is the only reply you will listen to and will now feel vindicated.

:( for your ds, I bet he'd love to spend some of his xmas day with his half siblings and his dad. That doesn't mean that you mean any less to him, or his day with you would be any less enjoyable. You need to stop being so selfish and think of your DS.

WiseMenKeepGivingGifts · 13/12/2011 11:52

I have a friend whose eldest 3 children have never seen their father on Christmas Day, he barely contacts them at all. They are sad and much as she would miss them would love a break over Christmas.

Think of the positive side fabsi. You could have a champagne breakfast, a lie-in and an even more secure little boy. At least you know his other family are decent people. My friend doesn't have that support in her life. Your son will work it all out one day and if you play your cards well you will stay close to him by allowing him to have very happy memories of Christmas. Please don't ask him to choose, do that for him.

I really hope you have a peaceful Christmas Xmas Smile