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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my ex to see his son on Christmas day FROM MY POINT OF VIEW

575 replies

fabsi · 13/12/2011 10:29

Ok, so yesterday i posted a thread, perhaps in bitterness, to see just unreasonable my ex and his wife are being. I am a lone parent, my ds is 5 and has a good relationship with my ex, his sm and his dcs. My son stays over every saturday night and adores his time with his dad and ss. Last year, my ex "told" me he wouldn't be coming over on christmas day as the year before his dd was "very" upset when he left and didn't want the same happening again this year. I said no way! He did come over in the end, but only stayed 40 minutes. He has asked me a couple of times what to do about bringing the presents over for ds, as he doesn't want to bring them on christmas day, he should have them to open from santa. Fair enough. But i know what's coming. He split with me after 10 years together, he said he'd never loved me and had found someone else. 4 months after we spilt, i found out i was pregnant and i was 6 months gone (no i didn't know, it was never planned and i never thought i could get pregnant as i have a disability and my periods have always been all over the place) I asked for him back several times, but he was in love with his new woman and i was left alone, thankfully i have a supportive family. I had my son and he came to visit every week, at first i didn't want any contact (ds and sm) because i was obviously incredibly bitter. Then sm got pregnant and had a dd and then a year later got married. I admit, i did make access hard, and didn't allow him to take ds out, so he went to a solicitor and i gave in and said ok. I'm glad i did, as ds loves my ex and his family. Yes, i hate her. For taking my man away, but i know she treats ds as one of her own. But, i have heard, from ex's family memebers she doesn't like ex coming over on xmas day and so i think she is the reason he doesn't really want to come over, to keep her happy. THERE IS NO WAY I WOULD EVER ALLOW MY SON over to his dads on xmas day. I am alone and he is all i have. His dad should make the effort to come over here, as many of you have said, his other children have him ALL DAY!!! Sorry for reverse AIBU, but i really do hate that he or she doesn't want to see ds on xmas day. It made me feel better. So, thank you for all your replies.

OP posts:
SquidgyBiscuits · 13/12/2011 10:52

In fact, after reading your last post, scratch what I said before.

You sound like a loon.

My dad left his partner for another woman, and she was bitter about it until their son was an adult, and told us all about it at every opportunity. She was a total loon too. I've not seen her for years, and would be happy to never see her again.

KatAndKit · 13/12/2011 10:53

Of course she "has" him every day, she is married to him! you are not! Get a grip of yourself and move on with your life.
This man only has a responsibility towards your son. not to spend time with you. He is not with you anymore. Let him have his relationship with his son, and let that take place at his house, not yours.

I really can't see why it would be such a big deal for you to sort out your Xmas arrangements in a fair way. Either every other year, or swap mid morning/mid afternoon.

DoesNotGiveAFig · 13/12/2011 10:53

fabsi why can you only see this from your point of view?

Stop taking out your bitterness on his DW, she hasn't done anything wrong. He left you before he got with her - he left you and didn't even know you were pregnant, so it's not like he left because you were. He didn't love you, get over it and start thinking of your DS. You admitted she treats him as one of her own, so why the animosity?

BaublesandCuntingCarolSingers · 13/12/2011 10:54

Exactly. IT IS JUST AN HOUR.

You can use that hour to get your lunch ready/have a bath/whatever.

I think that you have serious issues if you object this strongly to your DS leaving your for one hour to see his other family. I fear that you will end up losing out to your ex and his DW in the long run anyway if you continue on this path. Your son will end up resenting you and when he is old enough to choose, may well choose to spend christmases with his dad and SM. All for the sake of an hour on christmas day. You need to play the long game here.

Higgledyhouse · 13/12/2011 10:54

I feel very sorry for you and your situation. My honest opinion here is that because Xmas eve falls on a Saturday your son should spend the evening at his dads as normal and be there for Christmas morning too. You can then collect him at mid day bring him home, more presents, lovely Xmas dinner together etc. I think your compromise with your ex should be that when Xmas falls on his normal times of having ds then he's there, otherwise he needs to make sure he comes to you for an hour or so on Xmas day.

I do feel for you though, take Care x

GrownUpBelievesInSanta · 13/12/2011 10:55

This is about the children.

Your DS wants to see his father on Christmas Day.

Your DS's father has other children who want to see him on Christmas Day, and get upset if he goes away.

Your DS's step parent is very good with him and treats him as one of her own.

Your DS has half siblings.

The solution to me would be to enjoy a Christmas just you and DS, and then at some point allow his father to pick him up and he can go and spend some time with his other family.

That way your DS is happy, he gets to see his dad and siblings on Christmas day, there is no arguing between yourselves, and everyone gets to spend time with everyone they want to on the day itself.

Yes you may have to spend some time alone, but I'd personally suck it up to make sure my DS was happy, and yes to make his half siblings happy too. Christmas is about children, stop thinking about how you feel and start looking at the kids caught up in it.

SquidgyBiscuits · 13/12/2011 10:56

Hang on a minute...

Your son should be with your xp on xmas eve, overnight. But you won't allow it. You then think that after refusing to have your sone stay at his dads on the nominated day of the week, you can demand what your xp does on xmas day itself?? It wouldn't even be an issue if you hadn't been so childish as to refuse your son staying at his dad's in the first place.

PeanutsRoastingOnAnOpenFire · 13/12/2011 10:56

I agree akiram just what I was thinking! more about OP wanting to see Ex H or just be awkward and spoil SM christmas.

Christmas is all about the children Xmas Grin

StrandedUnderTheMisltoe · 13/12/2011 10:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoesNotGiveAFig · 13/12/2011 10:56

That poor child. I feel so badly for him. How can he enjoy any Christmas or family event with a mother behaving like you are? It's just going to stress him out completely. Poor thing.

anonandariston · 13/12/2011 10:56

SDT I can also understand why it would be difficult to be alone on xmas day, and I agree that it's not too much to ask for the dad to see his ds for an hour

But the op is all about what she wants, not her ds She wants her xp to be a good parent and put himself out for his son (and so he should) but then talks about her ds as if he belongs just to her and she makes the 'rules' and really, you can't have it both ways

I think she sounds bitter and nasty and I really do feel sorry for her ds, this should be about him and it sounds like it never will be

BarfTheHeraldAngelsHeave · 13/12/2011 10:57

This is why reverse AIBUs are crock.

His dad wants to see his son and spend time with his son, but you will only let him do it on your terms.

You sound childish and controlling. Grow up.

MustControlMincepieOfDeath · 13/12/2011 10:58

katAndKit I really can't see why it would be such a big deal for you to sort out your Xmas arrangements in a fair way. Either every other year, or swap mid morning/mid afternoon.

I totally agree. However the OP is too caught up in her own misery and bitterness to see reason. Unfortunately for both her and her DS.

OP I hope you can get over this/seek help/move on/whatever for the sake of your DSs relationship with both you and your ex. Better that you try and do this rather than ex going to court to enforce holiday access, no?

ChickensThinkYouCanGetStuffed · 13/12/2011 10:58

You really need to re-read your posts carefully. Presumably you love your son and want him to grow up happy and well adjusted? Then stop using him as a way of fucking with your ex. Bitterness will destroy you, and it won't be anyone's fault but your own.

KatAndKit · 13/12/2011 10:59

It isn't difficult really. We will be picking up my partners son later on Xmas afternoon. He will stay with us for a couple of nights. Last year we didn't pick him up till boxing day because we were away from home visiting my parents, so we just made an early start the next morning.

Actually I am sure he would love to have his son on xmas morning but I reckon that isn't going to happen even though it would have been "our" weekend this time. But over the last year or so, an amicable situation about access has been reached and that is all that matters. By forcing your ex to take you to court you are not acting in the best interests of your child.

Grow up and get over yourself.

hopenglory · 13/12/2011 11:00

Also, you're missing the point - and it was never highlighted in the reverse AIBU yesterday. You don't know that your Exs wife resents him coming over to yours on the day itself, that's all hearsay and rumours from family members.

Redmelia · 13/12/2011 11:01

Why should you let your son go to your Ex?s over Christmas? For your son?s sake that?s why. Stop seeing it as winning and losing as the only one losing is your son.

My DP?s son has never had Xmas with him or after he met me us. He is now 12 and feels he has missed out but he would never say anything to his mum as he feels that he would be leaving her alone (even though she has had DP since he was little). I know her and I know she has not said anything to him directly but he has picked up on her feelings about it.

We have now dropped the issue as we can see it causes him distress and we cannot stand to see him feeling so guilty about it all, so again we do not see him over Xmas. I do have a horrible feeling it will backfire on her in few years if he finds his voice about this as he has told me he would like to be here but feels he has no choice.

Do you want really want to answer an angry teenagers questions in years to come?

Akiram · 13/12/2011 11:02

OP as other posters have said if your Ex took you back to court its likely he would be granted alternate Christmas or the day split in half. Then what? All that time and money wasted for what? And then how would you explain it to our DS when he is older?

squeakytoy · 13/12/2011 11:02

I feel very sorry the the wife of the ex here, and for the ex, and especially for a poor little boy who is being used as a pawn in his mothers war against her ex and his wife.

After 5 years, you really need to let go of this hatred and jealousy. Get on with your life, meet someone new and stop obsessing with trying to make everyone elses life difficult. It makes you look like a very nasty and bitter person and your son will not grow up thanking you for it either.

Thumbinnapuddingwitch · 13/12/2011 11:03

I can understand why you are miserable and bitter. I can even understand why you have ishoos with your ex's DW. But what I can't understand is why your DS can't stay over at your ex's place for Christmas Eve and then come back to yours for the rest of the day. He could have breakfast there, open his presents with the rest of his family and then come back to yours for lunch or tea, depending on how needy you are.

I understand that you don't want to be alone on Christmas Day - but seriously, you can have him back by lunchtime if necessary!

I know he's only 5 but he's going to resent you depriving him of his chances to spend time with his Dad by being so hard line about when your ex can see him.

You need to reach a compromise by loosening your hold on the situation or you and your DS are both going to lose out. :(

ChristinedePizanne · 13/12/2011 11:05

It is unacceptable to use children as weapons to punish ex partners.

I think you need to take it in turns - one year your ex comes to you for a few hours, the following your DS goes to him. On that basis, it's your ex's turn to have your DS at his place.

I'm sorry but YABU

OhTheConfusion · 13/12/2011 11:05

"He can ever bring his other children with him here, but i don't think IABU wanting him to come over here on Christmas day."

I take it that was ment to be NEVER? Why, they are your DS's siblings, surely christmas is about your family, and they are his family whether you like it or not!

Akiram · 13/12/2011 11:06

Confusion I read itas "he can even bring his DC here"
Sadly I think OP has her fingers in her ears and is going "la la la"

DoesNotGiveAFig · 13/12/2011 11:06

oh I think it's meant to be 'even'

Thumbinnapuddingwitch · 13/12/2011 11:07

I read that as "even", not "never", OhTheConfusion.