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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my ex to see his son on Christmas day FROM MY POINT OF VIEW

575 replies

fabsi · 13/12/2011 10:29

Ok, so yesterday i posted a thread, perhaps in bitterness, to see just unreasonable my ex and his wife are being. I am a lone parent, my ds is 5 and has a good relationship with my ex, his sm and his dcs. My son stays over every saturday night and adores his time with his dad and ss. Last year, my ex "told" me he wouldn't be coming over on christmas day as the year before his dd was "very" upset when he left and didn't want the same happening again this year. I said no way! He did come over in the end, but only stayed 40 minutes. He has asked me a couple of times what to do about bringing the presents over for ds, as he doesn't want to bring them on christmas day, he should have them to open from santa. Fair enough. But i know what's coming. He split with me after 10 years together, he said he'd never loved me and had found someone else. 4 months after we spilt, i found out i was pregnant and i was 6 months gone (no i didn't know, it was never planned and i never thought i could get pregnant as i have a disability and my periods have always been all over the place) I asked for him back several times, but he was in love with his new woman and i was left alone, thankfully i have a supportive family. I had my son and he came to visit every week, at first i didn't want any contact (ds and sm) because i was obviously incredibly bitter. Then sm got pregnant and had a dd and then a year later got married. I admit, i did make access hard, and didn't allow him to take ds out, so he went to a solicitor and i gave in and said ok. I'm glad i did, as ds loves my ex and his family. Yes, i hate her. For taking my man away, but i know she treats ds as one of her own. But, i have heard, from ex's family memebers she doesn't like ex coming over on xmas day and so i think she is the reason he doesn't really want to come over, to keep her happy. THERE IS NO WAY I WOULD EVER ALLOW MY SON over to his dads on xmas day. I am alone and he is all i have. His dad should make the effort to come over here, as many of you have said, his other children have him ALL DAY!!! Sorry for reverse AIBU, but i really do hate that he or she doesn't want to see ds on xmas day. It made me feel better. So, thank you for all your replies.

OP posts:
QuintessentiallyFestive · 13/12/2011 11:07

"THERE IS NO WAY I WOULD EVER ALLOW MY SON over to his dads on xmas day"

Yabu.

Most single parents accept that their child is one year with them, one year with the non resident parent, for Christmas. They might not like it, but they put their child first.

It is perhaps time for you to try put your child first rather than wallow in your bitterness and make life hard for everybody.

Let your son spend the Christmas morning with his dad.

KatAndKit · 13/12/2011 11:07

So she is suggesting it isn't ok for her to be left alone, but another woman should be on her own while her children make this visit? Selfish cow.

IneedAChristmasNickname · 13/12/2011 11:08

I was in a similar position last Christmas, although only my children exist (as in their Dad doesn't have anyothers.
Dp (we are back together again now) left me 2 years ago, then announced 6 weeks later (Christmas Day) that he was seeing someone else.
Last Christmas, him and her had moved in together, and he decided it was his turn to have the boys Christmas Day. I (begrudingly sp?) agreed. He picked them up Christmas eve. I went to Midnight Mass with some friends, which was fun, then home to my lonely house. The next morning I woke up, in TEARS. It was killing me that I wasn't with 'my' babies. Me and Mum went to Church, then back to hers but I was 'dying' inside the whole time. Ex dropped them off at lunchtime, and the rest of the day was fab.
I know he was entitled to have them Christmas Day, and that it was only fair, but it still hurt like hell! Especially because I was still madly in love with him, and hated the idea that he was playing 'happy families' with her!

OP, I understand your anger, and hurt, but why can't he spend Christmas morning with his Dad? Yes it will hurt, but you can have him for the rest of the day. Santa can still come to your house, and everyone will be happy-ish!

mrsjay · 13/12/2011 11:08

My mil got divorced when her boys were young dh had just started school , It was horrible for them all the time as she felt her boys were hers not to share , he had to come to the house etc , it got so bad they no longer see their father as adults and bitter towards him , MIL obsessed about her ex and his wife for decades she died a really bitter woman , it was so sad she could never move on , OP you need to move on from this let go of the control , your Ex is never coming back his wife isnt to blame your ex left you , your son needs to be with both his parents , on your sons terms not yours , this will damage him for life , if you dont realise you cant control everything .

squeakytoy · 13/12/2011 11:09

so, if he can bring his other children, then he can bring their mother too.. yes?

fabulous... Grin

thats what I like to see, grown ups who can overcome their problems for the sake of their children...

ah no.. hang on a minute.. you mean without his wife, dont you... you mean so that a mum can sit at home on her own without her children, because you HAVE to do that too... Hmm

Original poster
fabsi · 13/12/2011 11:10

It is meant to be even, and i don't have my fingers in my ears, going la la la, i am reading your posts. Maybe, i should ask my son what HE wants then, as i refuse to labelled a controlling mother, which i'm not. I always ask my son what he wants to do regarding xp and sm, i'm sure he will pick them over me.

OP posts:
OhTheConfusion · 13/12/2011 11:10

Ah, my mistake.

I still think she is being unreasonable though Hmm

ViviPrudolf · 13/12/2011 11:10

OP, seriously, what did you expect people to say here?

sitandnatter · 13/12/2011 11:11

I realise that I have stuck the boot in for you wanting your ex to your house on Xmas Day and not his new partners and I stand by that. I have also had the same insistence that contact is here or neutral venue but supervised because he was a danger to the child when he was younger.

How the hell can a judge tell the difference. Stop playing games you are hurting genuinely abused children by game playing and tarnishing all with the same brush.

A family court judge would wipe the floor with you if you came out with this in a court room

BarfTheHeraldAngelsHeave · 13/12/2011 11:11

Your son is 5 isn't he? Asking him what he wants to do will put him in a really difficult position as he doesn't want to upset either you or his Dad.

Why not work it out as adults with your ex.

DoesNotGiveAFig · 13/12/2011 11:11

"Maybe?!" This is ALL ABOUT YOUR SON NOT YOU.

There is no "maybe" about it. Sheesh.

KatAndKit · 13/12/2011 11:12

Your son is 5 years old. He shouldn't be saddled with the responsibility of making decisions. That is what adults are for. You will probably phrase it in such a way that he will feel worried about upsetting you.

Just work out a sensible arrangement with your ex. How bloody hard can it be? Don't make a 5 year old responsible for it.

Akiram · 13/12/2011 11:12

He is 5 !! Don't make him feel as though he is having to choose his mum or dad. What a way to fuck up a child!
Let him go to his dads. Send him off with a smile on his face and when he returns have a great Christmas with him.
You sound so bitter.

mrsjay · 13/12/2011 11:14

oh so asking your son will m ake it all better because he will choose you , that isnt fair on your Little boy its a horrible thing to do , make the decision for him let him see his dad be a grown up ,
I can imagine thousands of lone parents are going through what you are , and hate that the children are away over xmas but they do it for their children ,

ViviPrudolf · 13/12/2011 11:14

i'm sure he will pick them over me.

I had a suspicion that was the crux of it OP. You feel insecure that DS is going to have this lovely Christmassy time with his other family that doesn't measure up to whatever you could create for him at home on your own.

You just need to get over that and be thankful that he does enjoy his time there, he's your son and you want him to be happy, regardless of who is providing that happiness. Have a bit more confidence in yourself and your bond with him, and allow him to have the best Christmas possible with them, and then later at home with you.

sitandnatter · 13/12/2011 11:14

You don't ask a a five year old for goodness sakes!!!!!!!!!

That wouldn't prove you weren't controlling anyway.

"Dariling do you want to be here with Mummy andwe will play with all of your new games or do you want to see Daddy, leave your toys here and have to share him with his sister. What would you like to do?". Do you get it?

The adults make fair and equitable arrangements which are based on the best interest of the child and then present a united front to the child.

YOu DO NOT get five year olds to chose between Mummy and Daddy.

Poor kid!!!!!!!!!!! Talk about putting the child in the middle and the responsibility on to the child instead of the adults!

DoesNotGiveAFig · 13/12/2011 11:14

I didn't read it as make DS make the decision, I read it as just asking DS if he'd like to see his dad too on xmas day.

I agree you shouldn't make him decide it's either you or his dad.

ChristinedePizanne · 13/12/2011 11:15

No, you should not ask your DS. You should send him off to his dad's with a smile on your face and a squeeze and tell him what a lovely time you hope he has. And then share his pleasure when he comes home again.

Please stop doing this to your DS, you are being terribly unkind to him.

calypso2008 · 13/12/2011 11:16

I am in the minority here but I really do not see why the father cannot pop over for an hour on Christmas morning.
It seems the easiest and least upsetting for everyone.
Sorry for you fabsi

Akiram · 13/12/2011 11:16

Vivi Good point.
OP You really have to let go of this bitterness anyway you can. Its not healthy for your DS or you.

DoesNotGiveAFig · 13/12/2011 11:16

Could you manage to be together with your ex, his DW and all the kids for an hour xmas day, and make it pleasant for your DS? Have you given relations a chance? It has been 5 years.

GypsyMoth · 13/12/2011 11:16

Is there a court order fabsi??

MustControlMincepieOfDeath · 13/12/2011 11:17

Yes OP, why not emotionally blackmail your son and have him hate what should be a really happy joyous magical time. Hey, you could even make it totally miserable for him if you want. Because it's not about him and his best interests is it...it's all about you after all.

FGS Shock

Akiram · 13/12/2011 11:17

calypso Why shouldn't her DS get to spend part of Christmas with his half siblings and dad and his SM (who the OP admits treats him well)

sitandnatter · 13/12/2011 11:17

Christine the child will end up hating her if she doesn't stop this. I've stopped contact completely but it was because it was best for my son, so I'm not pro father but definately pro children.