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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my ex to see his son on Christmas day FROM MY POINT OF VIEW

575 replies

fabsi · 13/12/2011 10:29

Ok, so yesterday i posted a thread, perhaps in bitterness, to see just unreasonable my ex and his wife are being. I am a lone parent, my ds is 5 and has a good relationship with my ex, his sm and his dcs. My son stays over every saturday night and adores his time with his dad and ss. Last year, my ex "told" me he wouldn't be coming over on christmas day as the year before his dd was "very" upset when he left and didn't want the same happening again this year. I said no way! He did come over in the end, but only stayed 40 minutes. He has asked me a couple of times what to do about bringing the presents over for ds, as he doesn't want to bring them on christmas day, he should have them to open from santa. Fair enough. But i know what's coming. He split with me after 10 years together, he said he'd never loved me and had found someone else. 4 months after we spilt, i found out i was pregnant and i was 6 months gone (no i didn't know, it was never planned and i never thought i could get pregnant as i have a disability and my periods have always been all over the place) I asked for him back several times, but he was in love with his new woman and i was left alone, thankfully i have a supportive family. I had my son and he came to visit every week, at first i didn't want any contact (ds and sm) because i was obviously incredibly bitter. Then sm got pregnant and had a dd and then a year later got married. I admit, i did make access hard, and didn't allow him to take ds out, so he went to a solicitor and i gave in and said ok. I'm glad i did, as ds loves my ex and his family. Yes, i hate her. For taking my man away, but i know she treats ds as one of her own. But, i have heard, from ex's family memebers she doesn't like ex coming over on xmas day and so i think she is the reason he doesn't really want to come over, to keep her happy. THERE IS NO WAY I WOULD EVER ALLOW MY SON over to his dads on xmas day. I am alone and he is all i have. His dad should make the effort to come over here, as many of you have said, his other children have him ALL DAY!!! Sorry for reverse AIBU, but i really do hate that he or she doesn't want to see ds on xmas day. It made me feel better. So, thank you for all your replies.

OP posts:
BaublesandCuntingCarolSingers · 13/12/2011 10:44

I feel sorry for you. You've had a rough time and I understand why you are bitter, I do.

BUT you aren't making life easier for you or your son. I wouldn't want to be alone for a couple of hours on christmas day either (yeah, yeah, I know...) so why don't you send your son to his dad's for a couple of hours in the morning so that he can see his dad, SM and SS and you do something worthwhile instead of sitting pursing your lips? Volunteer at a homeless shelter or hostel? Go to church and make some new friends? Then your DS can come hoke for lunchtime and you get the rest of the day to have your christmas.

This is what happens when families split. You need to make the best of this or else you are in for about another fifteen christmases of bitterness.

SquidgyBiscuits · 13/12/2011 10:44

I haven't read your other thread, but you sound really awful on this one.

Your son adores spending time with his dad. Why would you want to deny him that for a short amount of time on xmas day, just so you can get one over on the woman your xp fell in love with over 5 years ago??

Honestly, it isn't about you. In the process of being difficult with your xp, you are being the same with your son. Its been over 5 years now, so maybe time to stop being so bitter over it. If your son was old enough to be able to reason, you would never be able to justify this to him.

ViviPrudolf · 13/12/2011 10:44

OK I'm channeling my inner 5yo boy.

Given the options open to me in this scenario, I think my favourite and my best would be to see Daddy and my step siblings and have some fun at theirs on Christmas day for a while, then come back home and spend the rest of the day with Mummy.

OP as everyone else has said, its NOT about you.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 13/12/2011 10:45

That's a bit harsh, I think, anon. If I recall correctly from yesterday's thread, the OP wants her ex to come over to her house and see his son for a hour on christmas day, but her ex's new partner says her children will be upset if they don't have their dad there for the whole day, and as she says, he is saying he won't come over and see his son just to keep his new wife happy.

I don't think it is unreasonable for him to spend a couple of hours away from home in order to spend an hour with his son. His other kids will get him for the rest of christmas day. I also understand clearly why the OP wouldn't want to be without her son on Christmas day.

GypsyMoth · 13/12/2011 10:45

I think we are all wasting our time with this one!!

fatcaaah · 13/12/2011 10:45

Could you not take Christmas day in turns each year? So you have your son with you all day one year and the next he's with his dad. Yes it may be hard for you but imo it wild be a much better option for your ds.

I've never really understood this visiting the dc's on christmas day, we have always taken it in turns and just have 'our' Christmas day whenever all our dc's are with us.

I'm not surprised your son's sm isn't happy with the arrangement, I wouldn't be either.

Do the right thing and work out what is best for your ds.

OldeChestnut · 13/12/2011 10:45

THERE IS NO WAY I WOULD EVER ALLOW MY SON over to his dads on xmas day.

so its about what you want rather than making your little boy happy?

4madboys · 13/12/2011 10:46

why cant your son go to his dads on xmas day?! cant you drop him round in the afternoon and he can stay for a couple of hours and then his dad drop him back round? am assuming he is fairly local if he only stayed 40mins last xmas?

mrsjay · 13/12/2011 10:46

I think the letting his dad have his son is a bit ott he is his dad , why should he just see him at your house , However if dad isnt coming over on xmas day and your being difficult then there is nothing you can do maybe dad can see him on boxing day , It cant be easy for you but i think you need to think about your son as it all seems to be what you want and need ,

DoesNotGiveAFig · 13/12/2011 10:47

But, i have heard, from ex's family memebers she doesn't like ex coming over on xmas day and so i think she is the reason he doesn't really want to come over, to keep her happy.

Not even based on facts. Pft.

PeanutsRoastingOnAnOpenFire · 13/12/2011 10:47

Am sure DS would love to see his Dad and SM and half DS and DB on christmas day, you need to think about what would be nice for DS not just yourself.
I too would struggle with DS being away all day but why could he not go to his Dads for a couple of hours on christmas afternoon or sleep over on christmas night?
You say you have a supportive family so surely you could spend some time with them?
so YABU

Pantofino · 13/12/2011 10:47

"but her ex's new partner says her children will be upset if they don't have their dad there for the whole day, and as she says, he is saying he won't come over and see his son just to keep his new wife happy."

No - the OP THINKS this is reason. She doesn't know this as a fact.

BaublesandCuntingCarolSingers · 13/12/2011 10:48

"I like my son here, with me on Christmas day, so no he won't be staying christmas eve at his dads. He can ever bring his other children with him here, but i don't think IABU wanting him to come over here on Christmas day."

So it's fine for your ex's DW to be left alone whilst her children come around to yours?

Akiram · 13/12/2011 10:48

SDTG plenty of parents miss seeing their children on Christmas day on alternate years. Or they split the day in half so the child gets see both parents.
OP I really think you have got to play the long game here. Surely you want your DS to know that you always acted in his best interests and supported his relationship with his dad even if it means sometimes you have to suck it up. Your DS will respect you more for it instead of him possibly feeling bitter.

GypsyMoth · 13/12/2011 10:48

I think Gansu , that one day your poor smothered ds will vote with his feet..... He will maybe want to live with his dad rather than you

Sounds like the dad has a good case here for joint residency.

KatAndKit · 13/12/2011 10:48

Ideally, separated parents should take it in turns to have the child on xmas day, each having an alternate year.

When it isn't your year, you can have a special second xmas dinner/presents opening on Boxing Day or Xmas eve instead.

You want it all your way really. You admit that you deliberately made access hard for him and forced him to get legal help to see his son. Now you complain that he isn't seeing him enough for your liking. Your ex and his family have a right to their family life too. You should take it in turns, that is the fairest way.

I'm afraid you are sounding very spiteful and vindictive in my opinion, and you have used access to your child as a weapon because of your bitterness.

Let your son stay over with his dad on xmas eve night as that is a Saturday anyway. He can have a couple of hours early on with his dad on Xmas day. Then, when he returns to yours, say at 10 or 11 am, he will be delighted to find santa has also visited your house, and you will have the rest of xmas day together.

DoesNotGiveAFig · 13/12/2011 10:49

Especially if, as you said, she treats your ds as one of her own.

Doesn't ring true that.

signet · 13/12/2011 10:50

awful awful awful. Why would he want to leave his DW and his other children on Christmas day to come to yours? How can you not see how that would be awkward and difficult for his family? It isn't about you, it's about your son. Sounds like he is trying his best to see his son. Why on earth can't you come to a compromise that doesn't involve everything being on your terms?

Horrendous.

Original poster
fabsi · 13/12/2011 10:50

Yes, his "DW" has ex every day of the week and then has my son every saturday, so why not, for one day, expect him to come here for AN HOUR??? It's not the whole day, just a bloody hour.

OP posts:
DoesNotGiveAFig · 13/12/2011 10:50

Panto It's complete bullshit made up by a bitter, bitter person who is basing her reasoning on hearsay not facts.

ViviPrudolf · 13/12/2011 10:51

The need for a reverse AIBU is starting to make sense now. The OP knew she'd struggle to get any YANBUs with this scenario.

squeakytoy · 13/12/2011 10:51

I felt sorry for you yesterday....

I like my son here, with me on Christmas day, so no he won't be staying christmas eve at his dads. He can ever bring his other children with him here, but i don't think IABU wanting him to come over here on Christmas day

Now, I think you are a controlling person, using your son as a weapon in your hatred for your ex.

It isnt all about YOU.

Let your child spend a xmas with his siblings and stop being so bloody petty.

Akiram · 13/12/2011 10:51

So its about you seeing your Ex and not about your DS at all.
Lovey you've got to let it go. its been 5 years.

herbietea · 13/12/2011 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

sitandnatter · 13/12/2011 10:51

I posted a long reply but computer froze.

It went like this:

Don't use your child.
DOn't abuse your position as resident parent.
It's not about you and what you want or you being alone it should be to a decent parent about what your son needs and where he will have the best time.

Let him see his step sister on xmas day and spend a couple of hours with his Dad.

Don't abuse the court system.

Do spare a thought for every abused child whose mother is having a hard time being believedby the family courts because of bitter women like you who abuse the process.

If I were the father, I'd be back to court now asking for three days over Christmas, every other year, half of the holidays and every other weekend. He'd get it too.

You should be ashamed of yourself, let the child go with his Dad to see his Sister for a couple of hours or be prepared for the consequences.

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