Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 22 23

Original poster

To expect my ex to see his son on Christmas day FROM MY POINT OF VIEW

575 replies

fabsi · 13/12/2011 10:29

Ok, so yesterday i posted a thread, perhaps in bitterness, to see just unreasonable my ex and his wife are being. I am a lone parent, my ds is 5 and has a good relationship with my ex, his sm and his dcs. My son stays over every saturday night and adores his time with his dad and ss. Last year, my ex "told" me he wouldn't be coming over on christmas day as the year before his dd was "very" upset when he left and didn't want the same happening again this year. I said no way! He did come over in the end, but only stayed 40 minutes. He has asked me a couple of times what to do about bringing the presents over for ds, as he doesn't want to bring them on christmas day, he should have them to open from santa. Fair enough. But i know what's coming. He split with me after 10 years together, he said he'd never loved me and had found someone else. 4 months after we spilt, i found out i was pregnant and i was 6 months gone (no i didn't know, it was never planned and i never thought i could get pregnant as i have a disability and my periods have always been all over the place) I asked for him back several times, but he was in love with his new woman and i was left alone, thankfully i have a supportive family. I had my son and he came to visit every week, at first i didn't want any contact (ds and sm) because i was obviously incredibly bitter. Then sm got pregnant and had a dd and then a year later got married. I admit, i did make access hard, and didn't allow him to take ds out, so he went to a solicitor and i gave in and said ok. I'm glad i did, as ds loves my ex and his family. Yes, i hate her. For taking my man away, but i know she treats ds as one of her own. But, i have heard, from ex's family memebers she doesn't like ex coming over on xmas day and so i think she is the reason he doesn't really want to come over, to keep her happy. THERE IS NO WAY I WOULD EVER ALLOW MY SON over to his dads on xmas day. I am alone and he is all i have. His dad should make the effort to come over here, as many of you have said, his other children have him ALL DAY!!! Sorry for reverse AIBU, but i really do hate that he or she doesn't want to see ds on xmas day. It made me feel better. So, thank you for all your replies.

OP posts:

OldMumsy · 13/12/2011 11:18

Fabsi, accept that he doesn't want you, doesn't love you and what ever you do to hurt him via your son will hurt your son more and probably lead to your son buggering off as far away as possible from you when he is old enough. Do the grown up thing and develop your own social life and relationships and share your son with his dad.

SantaDesperatelySeeksSedatives · 13/12/2011 11:18

Please don't make him choose! Whatever he decides to do he'll feel guilty and he wont necessarily choose what he wants he will most likely choose what he thinks is "right" in your eyes. Because he doesn't want to hurt you.

mrsjay · 13/12/2011 11:18

calypso2008
Its not about coming over for an hour though the OP isnt giving dad an option its her way or no way , the boy isnt allowed to his dads dad HAS to come to play happy families at the OPs house ,

Shakey1500 · 13/12/2011 11:18

YABU and I think you know, deep down YABU.

For your son's sake and for YOUR sake you really need to let go of all this bitterness, this anger, and unreasonableness that literally is consuming you. This isn't about Christmas at all. It's about you harbouring a sack full of resentment, and no-one will disagree that you aren't worthy of feeling x amount. But you can't hold it forever and you certainly can't let it spill over into affecting your son's happiness.

Get a life, and I really don't mean that in a disparaging way. Look forwards, start rebuilding YOUR life and embrace some happiness. Yes, you'll have to grit your teeth etc but it'll be worth it because the end result will be a happier you and a happier DS.

I am a step mum and there is nothing worse than a bitter ex creating tension where there needn't be. Let him stay if he wants. It's one day. You say you want him there with you. I can understand that, but it isn't all about what you want is it. It's about what will make your ds happy. And let him go gladly. He WILL pick up on resentment and he won't thank you for it. What he WILL thank you for is letting him have the best of both worlds. Find a way to make it work and the rewards you will feel will be immeasurable.

Redmelia · 13/12/2011 11:18

Do not ask him! You will make him feel horribly torn and guilty as he will pick up on your 'I'm sure he will pick them over me' attitude - that is manipulation.
You had some sympathy from me but that killed it.

Original poster

fabsi · 13/12/2011 11:21

Again, i want to echo, the actual problem is my xp NOT wanting to come over here FOR AN HOUR on xmas day. I really cannot see how IABU?? You're right, i shouldn't ask my son what he wants to do. There is no court order, xp has him from 10am Saturday morning until 1pm sunday. But i am sticking to my guns on not letting him got to xp xmas day. Call me selfish, but UNTIL ds asks me if he can, i will not be suggesting it.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 13/12/2011 11:21

I am in the minority here but I really do not see why the father cannot pop over for an hour on Christmas morning

Because the child has siblings, (ok - half siblings), but he deserves to be part of that as equally as he is with his mother.

I hated being an only child at christmas and missing out on the fun of opening presents with other children. Getting games that nobody wanted to play with me..

The best christmas I remember as a child was when my two cousins came to stay, and christmas eve was more exciting, getting up and three of us racing down to find piles of presents was brilliant..

This little boys is as much a part of his dads family as he is his mums and should be able to take part in their day too. At least every other year.

ThisIsANickname · 13/12/2011 11:21

The really sad thing is that you'll be shooting yourself in the foot with this "I'll never allow him..." attitude. This is especially true if he has a good relationship with his Dad's family.

Because eventually, it will be your son who asks if he can spend Christmas with his Dad. And if you are willing to use emotional blackmail to get your way, it will only end in resentment and bitterness... and not from your ex, either.

You are not only being unreasonable, you are also being very short sighted and very selfish.

QuintessentiallyFestive · 13/12/2011 11:22

Every second year for the last 12 years my sister has had to see her daughter jet off to her dad for a week over Christmas, and my sister knows she has a lovely Christmassy time with her dad, on the family farm, with lots of family, animals, skiing, playing with her cousins.

Every second year she celebrates Christmas with her mum, me and my dh and our two sons, at my parents house, which is not half as nice. My dad is disabled and in a wheelchair, with nurses coming to see him three times a day, and my mum (her gran) lives in a nursing home.

But it does not matter. She has the rest of the year with her mum, and my sister is happy for her daughter that she gets to spend a lovely Christmas with her dad and his new family (wife and her two children from previous marriage). She does not like being without her daughter for Christmas, but she KNOWS that her daughter has a good time, and enjoys Christmas with her dad every second year.

I think this is the solution you should work out with your ex. He is clearly a nice man (from what you post), and his wife is ok, and your son has two half siblings that he will enjoy playing with. Let him have this relationship.

goingtoofast · 13/12/2011 11:23

I don't think you are unreasonable for wanting your son t o see his Dad on christmas Day.

I do however think that an hour as a token gesture is a bit crappy. You would be better off making some sort of arrangement where your son spends a whole day with his Dad, maybe not Christmas Day but Christmas Eve or Boxing Day.

squeakytoy · 13/12/2011 11:23

There is no court order, xp has him from 10am Saturday morning until 1pm sunday. But i am sticking to my guns on not letting him got to xp xmas day. Call me selfish, but UNTIL ds asks me if he can, i will not be suggesting it

You are selfish.

Happy now.

Very fucking selfish actually. You need to grow up.

MustControlMincepieOfDeath · 13/12/2011 11:23

OP as I said in my previous post, it's not about your son and his best interests, it's all about you.

Remember, you reap what you sow.

Akiram · 13/12/2011 11:23

So really Op you could be forcing your Ex to take you to court over this? Thats ok is it?
Did you not see the post upthread? A boy wants to spend Christmas with his dad and step mum but won't ask him mum because of her similar behaviour.
Is that how you want your DS to be like? Really?

KatAndKit · 13/12/2011 11:24

I give up. Honestly. He would be home by 1pm. If you were reasonable and nice, you could even ask to pick him up a bit earlier, say 11am. You'd still have all day together.

You just want this man to have to be at your command. When he has his contact time, he should be able to spend it at his own house.

YABU by thinking your son should only get one hour with his dad at xmas rather than the overnight stay he has on other weekends.

QuintessentiallyFestive · 13/12/2011 11:24

You are coming across as horrendously selfish.

You are ruining your childs Christmas, you know, not him. By behaving like a spoilt child yourself. This is not going to bring you happiness, you know.

ViviPrudolf · 13/12/2011 11:24

i am sticking to my guns on not letting him got to xp xmas day

So WHAT was the point of this thread if 99% of responses are imploring you to do something and you're refusing to even entertain the idea?

Heaven help your future DiL

silverfrog · 13/12/2011 11:25

tbh, given that your ex seems to want to be an involved dad, I hope he wises up and does take you to court for proper access.

he would get hell of a lot more than 27 hours each week if he did. AND alternate Christmas/New Year period, alternate Easter, and very possibly (where achievable) alternate birthdays too.

your son has a right to a relationship with his father that is not overseen by you at every turn. he should be allowed ot experience every bit of being your ex's son - and this includes Christams, plus any other significant days.

Grow up - your son is not your possession. he is a person, in his own right, and is entitled to live a full life with proper relations with his other family.

Thumbinnapuddingwitch · 13/12/2011 11:26

I'd just like to point out that this year Christmas Eve is on a Saturday so by rights, your DS should be with your ex from Christmas Eve through til 1pm on Christmas Day.

Be very careful OP - I cannot see why you are being so hardline over this, to be honest - I get that you don't want to be alone all day Christmas Day but you don't have to be. Don't make your ex go back to court.

Akiram · 13/12/2011 11:27

I hope so too Silverfrog.
I hate to see DC being used as weapons to hurt ExPartners.

IneedAChristmasNickname · 13/12/2011 11:27

This is a good idea! My parents split up when I was 7, and I remember Dad coming round on Christmas Day for a couple of hours. I remember him being there for dinner, but I think he only did this a couple of times. We also ALWAYS spent boxing day with him, I still do even though I am 27 and have 2 DC of my own. DSM cooks Chrismas dinner (again) and we have a 2nd Christmas! I loved it as a child, and my DC love it now, as they have multiple Christmas' :)

MustControlMincepieOfDeath · 13/12/2011 11:27

Maybe the ex's DW is on here and these threads will prompt her to give her DH a nudge in the court's direction regarding proper access arrangements.

Akiram · 13/12/2011 11:27

Why would you be alone on Christmas day OP?
Why couldn't you spend it with your family or friends?

StrandedUnderTheMisltoe · 13/12/2011 11:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ExpectantMumofLilo · 13/12/2011 11:29

Being the child of divorced parents and in a rather similar situation I can say that you are being unreasonable. My mum was the same, never allowing my dad and his wife to have me there for Christmas day because 'I was all she had' and do you know what happened?
As soon as I grew up and could choose for myself I started spending more time and every Christmas with my DD and SM than I did my DM. You shouldn't rely on your children to combat loneliness. You can arrange to do something with your family or friends and let your child be a child and enjoy having two parents who care enough and want him in their lives.

ViviPrudolf · 13/12/2011 11:29

She wouldn't be alone though if she just let DS stay over on Xmas eve then collect him mid morning. Then everyone is happy.

This whole situation stinks.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 22 23

Swipe left for the next trending thread