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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my DH to see his other son on Chritmas day

195 replies

fabsi · 12/12/2011 10:11

My dh has a son from a previous relationship. He is 5 and i have a very good relationship with him. He stays over every Saturday and i absolutely adore him, as do our other two children, who are 4 and 2. The problem is, and i don't know if it's just me, but i hate my dh going to see his son on Christmas day. He has done for the last 4 years and i've dealt with it. Last year he asked his ex if he could drop the presents down Christmas eve and instead of coming over for the hour she wants him to, to open his presents with him, he would call him. She was not happy and insisted he came down, even if it's only for half an hour. Problem is, my kids are getting older now and we were sat around for nearly two whole hours waiting for him to come home so we could have some family time. This upset my dd and so angered me more and then the rest of the day was ruined. And so, i spoke to my dh last night and he said he'd rather upset his ex than me and so he will tell her he's not coming down. Problem is, this happened last year and she asks him why he can't come down and starts the emotional blackmail. Of course i can see it from her side too, she wants her son to have his daddy come down on Christmas day, but it's now starting to affect me and my dd and no doubt in years to come, my ds too. Advice please!

OP posts:

MJinSparklyStockings · 12/12/2011 19:48

imperial yes I do I am afraid think the mother should find something else to do at Christmas - as a family we have had all sorts of guests at Christmas who are alone for one reason or another.

namechangerbat · 12/12/2011 19:48

YABU

Poor kid.

CardyMow · 12/12/2011 19:49

Nope, it is well documented on MN that I have to put up with my Ex-H's mental missus who happened to be the OW. NOT to stop the flamers. It's just about putting my DC's emotional needs above my own. And it is sometimes VERY fucking hard to do - but it what I should be doing as a mother IMO.

CardyMow · 12/12/2011 19:49

And it is made even harder by the fact that she is a controlling idiot. But again - that is MY problem, not my DS1's.

CardyMow · 12/12/2011 19:51

Melted - so the mother is putting her OWN issues about the OW above the emotional NEEDS of her dc in spending alternate Christmasses with his father.

Sorry, but that is wrong to me. And I'm not saying that I won't be SERIOUSLY upset on Christmas morning this year - but that is NOT my DS's problem, it is MINE.

MrsFruitcake · 12/12/2011 19:52

OP, YABVU.

Have a heart - you have to deal with this. His son needs his Daddy just as much as you're DCs need him.

MrsFruitcake · 12/12/2011 19:52

Your. Too tired!

WhoWhoWhoWho · 12/12/2011 20:00

Imperial - it doesn't have to be that one parent is spending the whole day alone. There are the options of volunteering/visiting friends/visiting or inviting relatives or neighbours/ working (if you work in a place that needs staff xmas day)/etc etc.

As an example of a situation where no parent is alone the entire xmas day, my DS goes to his dad's every year on xmas day at about 4/5pm, sleeps over and comes home at some point (usually mid-dayish) on boxing day.

Like I said to the OP in my earlier post, it is about the child not the separated parents. Am relieved to see I am not the only person who thinks this way.

MJinSparklyStockings · 12/12/2011 20:06

And huntys dc won't end up like my poos step daughter - because she hasn't seen her dads at Christmas or her birthday for 7 years - the her mother once arranged a dcs christening for when their dad was in work - and that was when they were married

Ds hates the run up to anything special because of her mothers stance - she worried about her wedding - graduation, anything special.

She is scared of being the youngest because she will be the one who has to "leave her mother" alone.

It is the role of a parent to support their dcs - not lean on them and make then responsible for our happiness.

MJinSparklyStockings · 12/12/2011 20:08

*poor step daughter even.

It breaks my heart to see how dependent her mother is on her and her sister - they are more like their mothers partners than her children.

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 12/12/2011 20:20

I don't believe this is a reverse AIBU. This line proves it...

"... and we were sat around for nearly two whole hours waiting for him to come home so we could have some family time. This upset my dd and so angered me more and then the rest of the day was ruined."

How would you know his other DD was upset, and that that then ruined the rest of the day? If you were writing this from the other side, you would never add this in. Clearly you're who you say you are - and you know perfectly well it was your DD who was 'upset' (no doubt wound up by you) and that this In turn angered you and it was you who carried their anger on for the rest of the day, and you who ruined it.

Plus, the fact that you've now just written two very abrupt posts, one to reveal it so wasn't a reverse AIBU, and one to say thanks for the posts. And that's it? If it really was a reverse one, you'd have a whole lot more to say...!

Best you get a grip, name-change and then come back.

BaublesandCuntingCarolSingers · 12/12/2011 20:27

Reverse AIBU or not... whatever. The woman sounds like a total cunt.

FlightRisk · 13/12/2011 17:04

MJinSparklyStockings

We used to share ds for xmas but the year he got with his new partner he hasn't bothered with my ds for xmas. fot first 5 years he never paid for a xmas present!! New bird used to spit her dummy if he did stuff with his son and not her daughter. Her daughter isn't his daughter btw, so he ditched his son for step daughter

MJinSparklyStockings · 13/12/2011 17:58

But then flight while your ex is badly behaved (and he is to blame not his partner) there is no resemblance to the op (reverse or not) which makes it clear that the ds is loved by his dad and his SM

QuintessentiallyFestive · 13/12/2011 18:08

...you may have missed the ops new thread today

MrsSnow · 13/12/2011 18:14

How about name changing when you write another angle to the same story???

Either way all that matters is the child not mum, not step-mum just the child. Grow up.

NatashaBee · 13/12/2011 18:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MJinSparklyStockings · 13/12/2011 21:05

Natasha we tried that - but lunatic ex keeps pushing boundaries, last year dsd wasn't allowed up until New Years Eve so we could never plan.

One year it was 2 week after Christmas - which was just a joke, but not as much of a joke as the year her birthday presents sat here for a whole MONTH before she was allowed to come and get them.

rockinhippy · 13/12/2011 21:17

to reverse an old adage - a child is for Christmas - not just for life

YABVVVU -

but if it P's you off so much, as a compromise, based on you being honest in your "having a good relationship & caring for the boy - why don't you invite your DHs ex & the poor DS along with whatever the rest of the family they have at home over for Xmas dinner - if the ex agrees - that way your DCs can also spend time with their sibling too & problem solved - it is Xmas after all

JaneBirkin · 13/12/2011 22:15

I know it's very much irrelevant and probably weird of me, but could I just say that Flightrisk isn't the same poster as the old Flight?

Not that anyone probably even remembers her but seeing the name like that made me think, ah, maybe folk think it's her. (sorry Flightrisk! Just saying)

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