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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my DH to see his other son on Chritmas day

195 replies

fabsi · 12/12/2011 10:11

My dh has a son from a previous relationship. He is 5 and i have a very good relationship with him. He stays over every Saturday and i absolutely adore him, as do our other two children, who are 4 and 2. The problem is, and i don't know if it's just me, but i hate my dh going to see his son on Christmas day. He has done for the last 4 years and i've dealt with it. Last year he asked his ex if he could drop the presents down Christmas eve and instead of coming over for the hour she wants him to, to open his presents with him, he would call him. She was not happy and insisted he came down, even if it's only for half an hour. Problem is, my kids are getting older now and we were sat around for nearly two whole hours waiting for him to come home so we could have some family time. This upset my dd and so angered me more and then the rest of the day was ruined. And so, i spoke to my dh last night and he said he'd rather upset his ex than me and so he will tell her he's not coming down. Problem is, this happened last year and she asks him why he can't come down and starts the emotional blackmail. Of course i can see it from her side too, she wants her son to have his daddy come down on Christmas day, but it's now starting to affect me and my dd and no doubt in years to come, my ds too. Advice please!

OP posts:
QuintessentiallyFestive · 12/12/2011 10:25

I am a bit sick of reverse iabus. In my view, playing around like that is making the op lose credibility. It is manipulative.

It does not matter if the aibu is reversed or not. Somewhere, there is a vile woman wanting to deprive a little boy of his dad for a few yours at Christmas. We just dont know if that woman is the op or somebody else.

deemented · 12/12/2011 10:25

Oh FFS!!!

You begrudge your DH spenig an hour or two with his son on Christmas day? How petty and meanspirited of you.

We're hoping that we'll have DSS at some point on Christmas day, but if not, then i'll leave my children with my dad and drive manshape for an hour to see his son. I'll come home and then go back a few hours later to pick him up, so i'll miss at least four hours of Christmas day with my children, just so he can see his son. But you know what? I don't care - it's Christmas day ffs.

With posters such as you, it's no wonder stepmothers are villified on MN.

lemniscate · 12/12/2011 10:26

I echo completely what mudandglitter says.

In order to prevent your DD spending 2 hours away from her daddy on Christmas Day, you're proposing that her brother who is just a year older should spend no time with his daddy at all?

Your DH is more concerned about which of his wives he wants to upset rather than his son?

Does anybody in this situation actually care about the little boy in the centre of it?

What you need to do is not pander to your DD's understandable sadness as it will only get worse as she gets older if you do so. Instead you should be using this opportunity to teach her that her brother is as important to their daddy as she is and that as she gets to spend most of the day with their daddy then she needs to learn to accepts that her brother also gets some time with their daddy too. And you need not to whinge and moan and generally make the day ruined by it, but just fill those 2 hours as you would any other 2 hours when DH is out and not able to be there.

I very much doubt you are capable of being that compassionate and mature though.

RalphTheRedNosedGnu · 12/12/2011 10:26

Not many threads make my jaw drop open but this is one of them.

I'm finding it hard to believe this is a serious thread.

If it is then YABVU and unbelievably selfish. Imagine if you and your husband split up and he moved on and had a child with someone else. Now imagine it's Christmas Day and your children want to see their daddy....

seeker · 12/12/2011 10:26

You are presumably the ex partner. If you're sure that you're getting the full story, then you're ex's new partner is a cow. If, however, your ex has made up this story to explain why he can't come and see his son on Christmas day, then he is a git. Either way, you are quite reasonable to expect your ds's dad to visit him on Christmqs day.

HughBastard · 12/12/2011 10:26

Goodness me, surely you can see that you are being shockingly unreasonable?

You need to accept that part of your Christmas tradition is that Daddy goes out for a couple of hours. Why not make that the time that you watch a Christmas film with your children?

And now over to the Frothing Beserkers who will flame you to a crisp....

Original poster
fabsi · 12/12/2011 10:27

Ok, i will now come clean. i am the ex partner and now i can thank god i am NBU! Thank you for your comments. I hope he comes to see him.

OP posts:
JustGiveMeTheWine · 12/12/2011 10:27

How selfish can you be?

As from someone who didn't see her father for 15 years because he was with his 'other' family I think its disgusting that you would begrudge a 5 year old for a couple of hours of time with his dad! And to think he would rather upset his ex rather than you makes him a t###! He will be upsetting his son!
Your 2 DC get to have him all year, every morning, every night, every weekend!
Why don't you fill your 2 hours on xmas day playing with your kids instead of feeling bitter about his time with his son!

Sounds like you and your OH deserve each other!

Get a grip!

ViviPrudolf · 12/12/2011 10:27

Agreed, Quint.

If it IS a reverse AIBU, yes OP your exH is being unreasonable, as is his DW, but YOU ABU for reverse AIBU.

cory · 12/12/2011 10:27

So why on earth can't you organise some fun family tradition that you and your dcs do at this time of the day to make it special while you wait for him?

If you sit around moping because your dh spends half an hour with his five year old son then I am sorry but the decision to ruin your dcs' Christmas has been made by you. You could so easily make this positive for your dcs instead.

Or hang on, is this one of those back-to-front posts where you are actually the mother of the 5yo upset because your dh is grudging your boy his half hour and you suspect it is the other woman putting him up to it?

MustControlMincepieOfDeath · 12/12/2011 10:27

If this is real then you need a slap IMO.

This little boy gets to see his father for a measly hour on Christmas Day and you would begrudge him this. You selfish selfish woman. Shame on you.

If I was his mother I would be insisting that he spends at least half the day with his son, and the fact that your DP doesn't want to do this is makes me feel very very sad for his DS.

NatashaBee · 12/12/2011 10:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ILoveFrogs · 12/12/2011 10:27

YABVU and Disgusting!

Your DD gets to spend the whole day, minus two hours with her daddy, the poor boy only gets to see his daddy for what, an hour? an hour and a half? how the hell do you think that makes him feel, he is only 5 years old FFS.

The pure selfishness and nastiness of people never ceases to amaze me!

QuintessentiallyFestive · 12/12/2011 10:28

oh, FFS, what is the matter with people, why not just post the problems as they see them, not try to pretend to be the other side.

Meh.

Akiram · 12/12/2011 10:28

fabsi could your DS spend Christmas day with his dad this year? Or half the day then he would get to see his half siblings too?

ViviPrudolf · 12/12/2011 10:29

OK then scratch the if from my last post. YABU.

And expect pages of irritating posts in reply saying YABU because they've not read your OP, OP.

FreudianSlipper · 12/12/2011 10:29

how horrible and selfish of you i hopr your children do not pick u0p on your nasty vibes and start to think the same way

or is it about the ex. it is ot a compition they have split and you are together but you both have children with him and they all need and want to spend time with their dad

MustControlMincepieOfDeath · 12/12/2011 10:29

Massive XPost. YABU for the reverse AIBU, but YANBU to expect him to spend time with your DS on Xmas day.

Slaps all round.

SenseofEntitlement · 12/12/2011 10:29

Is totally a reverse AIBU.

Either way, though, the man should spend around a third, at least, of his time with his son. My personal preference would be to have my step son (if I was the OP) round to join in the family Christmas for some of the time at my house, as he is, in fact, a member of the family, and not some dirty secret. If anything, a five year old will know more what is going on than the younger children, and so the entire family (mum, dad, stepmum, anyone else) should be extra careful to make sure he does not feel left out.

Although, can we please stop judging the OP for being a second wife? (in fact, she may actually be the first wife, on re reading it) - it is quite possible that the one year gap between the children could mean a one year gap between the man splitting with the ex (or having a one night stand) and the new relationship starting. Even if it isn't that cut and dried, let's deal with the here and now, eh?

JustGiveMeTheWine · 12/12/2011 10:29

Ok x posted with OP.
What a dick your ex is! and his Knob of a partner!

Angelswings · 12/12/2011 10:30

There are so many sides to this.

How come his son can't spend the whole of Christmas day with you this year and his mum co e and visit you for an hour? Why does he always spend Christmas day at his mums?

Could he not spend Boxing day with the other parent and have 2 celebrations?

This should really be in a different forum, stepfamilies is it?

I don't think spending an hour driving to spend an hour with your kid is the best way forward.

My parents split when I was 10. We have spent most of them together as a daily since, even having my step mother to lunch when she was alive. It is possible to come to an arrangement that suits the child, the parents and the half siblings.

We can't always manage to fall in love with someone who has no past. We do have to cope with the results though:)

SeaweedNK · 12/12/2011 10:30

Your DH seems to think he has to choose whether he upsets his ex or you. Why can't either of you see that actually you are asking him to choose between you and his son, a 5 YO child.

Not sure what worse - you asking him not to see his son on Xmas day or him for agreeing not to!!

Poor child. Sad

BreadCrumbsandButterBeans · 12/12/2011 10:30

Your poor son SadSadSad

squeakytoy · 12/12/2011 10:30

Fabsi, your confession of this being a reverse AIBU is going to get lost amongst the other posts, and many people wont see it, so you may as well get this thread pulled, and then start another, with your side of it.

YANBU at all by the way, and your ex sounds like a twat.

ladyintheradiator · 12/12/2011 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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