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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my DH to see his other son on Chritmas day

195 replies

fabsi · 12/12/2011 10:11

My dh has a son from a previous relationship. He is 5 and i have a very good relationship with him. He stays over every Saturday and i absolutely adore him, as do our other two children, who are 4 and 2. The problem is, and i don't know if it's just me, but i hate my dh going to see his son on Christmas day. He has done for the last 4 years and i've dealt with it. Last year he asked his ex if he could drop the presents down Christmas eve and instead of coming over for the hour she wants him to, to open his presents with him, he would call him. She was not happy and insisted he came down, even if it's only for half an hour. Problem is, my kids are getting older now and we were sat around for nearly two whole hours waiting for him to come home so we could have some family time. This upset my dd and so angered me more and then the rest of the day was ruined. And so, i spoke to my dh last night and he said he'd rather upset his ex than me and so he will tell her he's not coming down. Problem is, this happened last year and she asks him why he can't come down and starts the emotional blackmail. Of course i can see it from her side too, she wants her son to have his daddy come down on Christmas day, but it's now starting to affect me and my dd and no doubt in years to come, my ds too. Advice please!

OP posts:
wannaBe · 12/12/2011 10:31

I assume that given this child is five and your child is four you were ow?

FreudianSlipper · 12/12/2011 10:31

ok just read your secod post, not nice of her

Angelswings · 12/12/2011 10:31

X posted, reread my post by changing genders!

Splinters · 12/12/2011 10:31

Christmas can be tricky, but I really think your DH is in a great position with his ex insisting that he should come over to see his son. Imagine how miserable they would both be if your stepson's mum insisted that they weren't allowed to see each other on Christmas day. Happens quite a lot, judging by what I read on here.

Think you need to make a plan to fill those two hours with something to look forward to. A new DVD? Or maybe you could get some stuff for you and your dd to make a special surprise table decoration? If you can get your dd involved in some secret 'let's make a surprise for Daddy' conspiracy, it might help make things more exciting for her, perhaps?

MrsHoarder · 12/12/2011 10:31

I understand the feeling of wanting OH to yourself on Christmas Day, but the reality is that he has a child who he has a responsibility to and hopefully loves. If he's good parent then he won't just be a good parent to his children with you.

Time to start a new tradition maybe: a kiddy Christmas film and time with just Mummy? Going to the GPs to show them the new presents? A Christmas walk in wellies and new hats/gloves?

cory · 12/12/2011 10:31

cross-posted with the OP too. And seeker is absolutely spot on: your dh is a pathetic whimp if he blames the new partner for his own short-comings.

RalphTheRedNosedGnu · 12/12/2011 10:32

Tut fabsi now you're going to get flamed for the reverse AIBU.

If your ex is even considering pandering to his wife's demands then he is a cunt of the highest order. Your poor little boy though. I feel really sad now.

ViviPrudolf · 12/12/2011 10:32

What squeaky said (I'm getting a bit tired of writing that, tbh)

Original poster
fabsi · 12/12/2011 10:32

Thanks for your comments.

OP posts:
WhatsWrongWithYou · 12/12/2011 10:32

What everyone else said - plus you're the adult here and if your DD gets upset about her daddy being absent for a couple of hours, it's not your role to get upset alongside her; your job is to explain to her that her brother has as much right as she does to see his daddy on Christmas day and that you can still have a lovely time knowing he's doing the right thing.

Give her the lesson in kindness and humanity you clearly missed out on.

ViviPrudolf · 12/12/2011 10:33

And love the addition of 'h' to 'Whimp', cory. TOTALLY adopting that spelling.

cory · 12/12/2011 10:33

sorry, that should have been ex-dh

AMumInScotland · 12/12/2011 10:33

You'd really be better off starting a proper thread the right way round, as otherwise you're just going to have pages of "YABU" for the OP, interspersed with attempts to help your actual situation!

But I think what you need to do is make a "big day" out of Christmas Eve for your son, so that its a major part of the festive season, and then the day itself is less of the main event. That way his dad's absence won't be as much of a big deal.

cory · 12/12/2011 10:34

oh dear, Vivi, not my morning for typing at all

I can't spell and I have just saddled the OP with her useless ex again

Splinters · 12/12/2011 10:35

Haha that moved fast! 70 cross-posts in 5 mins.. Record!

WannabeMegMarch · 12/12/2011 10:35

YABU... your DSS should have time with his Daddy on Christmas. If anything, its more important now that he's 5 and as he gets older. As many others have said, how would you feel if DH were in another relationship and he couldn't make time to see your DC? I can understand that you may be feeling upset if your own DD is not happy. But it is up to you to explain to her that her half-brother is important too and that he has a right to time with his Dad. If anything, you will be teaching your DD a fabulous lesson.
How about turning it around- make it a tradition that you and your 2 DC do something special while you are waiting for Dad to return; then you wont be waiting around or focussed on the clock.

ViviPrudolf · 12/12/2011 10:35

no no, cory, it's great, adds an additional whispy patheticness to the word.

SarahBumBarer · 12/12/2011 10:37

Reverse AIBU are utterly manipulative. It makes me assume that you are this manipulative in the RL situation too and makes me wonder just how clear a picture we have actually beeen given of the truth.

Either way - your poor son Sad

IwishIwasmoresparkly · 12/12/2011 10:37

I hate these reverse AIBU's so OP, YABU for starting one!

But having said that is tgere any reason that you can't take you ds to visit his Dad and half brothers/sisters on Christmas Day? You don't have to stay (doesn't sound as if you and "the other woman" get on very well!), but at least that way your ds would get to spend some time with his Dad.

Akiram · 12/12/2011 10:39

OP you have been asked a couple of times why can't your DS spend Christmas day (or part of it) at his dads house?

FrothingBeserker · 12/12/2011 10:39

why can your ds (now that you have revealed the reverse AIBU) go to his dad's on xmas eve, and then come back to you late xmas morning? or go to his dad's after lunch on xmas day, and come back to you on boxing day?

I am a step mother, and while I do not AT ALL begrudge my dh seeing his children, it is a little disruptive to always do as you suggest, and also means your ds is not benefitting from spending any time at xmas with his siblings either.

If my dh had to pop out every xmas morning, it would disrupt a lot of things, and not just be about me being upset he was not spending time with our children.

this is a situation which will continue for a long time - is it not itme to get it sorted out properly? apart from anything else, your dh deserves more than just an hour of seeing his son at xmas.

seeker · 12/12/2011 10:41

I'm assuming you won't let him stay over qt his dad's?

allnewtaketwo · 12/12/2011 10:44

Yes I'm starting to wonder about the manipulation. Why are you insisting that your ex comes to your house to see DS? What's the problem with DS spending half the day or even a couple of hours at his dad's? Is this a control issue?

SarahBumBarer · 12/12/2011 10:44

Why doesn't DS stay at his dad's for Christmas on alternate years?

SarahBumBarer · 12/12/2011 10:45

Oops sorry - lots of x-posts with people with excellent questions! Grin