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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my DH to see his other son on Chritmas day

195 replies

fabsi · 12/12/2011 10:11

My dh has a son from a previous relationship. He is 5 and i have a very good relationship with him. He stays over every Saturday and i absolutely adore him, as do our other two children, who are 4 and 2. The problem is, and i don't know if it's just me, but i hate my dh going to see his son on Christmas day. He has done for the last 4 years and i've dealt with it. Last year he asked his ex if he could drop the presents down Christmas eve and instead of coming over for the hour she wants him to, to open his presents with him, he would call him. She was not happy and insisted he came down, even if it's only for half an hour. Problem is, my kids are getting older now and we were sat around for nearly two whole hours waiting for him to come home so we could have some family time. This upset my dd and so angered me more and then the rest of the day was ruined. And so, i spoke to my dh last night and he said he'd rather upset his ex than me and so he will tell her he's not coming down. Problem is, this happened last year and she asks him why he can't come down and starts the emotional blackmail. Of course i can see it from her side too, she wants her son to have his daddy come down on Christmas day, but it's now starting to affect me and my dd and no doubt in years to come, my ds too. Advice please!

OP posts:

WannabeMegMarch · 12/12/2011 10:45

Oh pooh for reverse AIBU.... all 3 adults here need to put their feelings aside for the 3 kids sakes....set a good example so that they all get to spend serious time with their dad.

Akiram · 12/12/2011 10:47

Sarah Don't think OP will come back and answer that question.
It doesn't fit in with her IANBU stance.

buttonmoon78 · 12/12/2011 10:47

That's made me cross OP. I like to have all the facts before sharing my opinion. I now have no idea who is the more unreasonable - your exp or his new p. As in, who is actually behind this?

However, this all begs the question... why on earth don't you alternate Christmas? And why isn't your son there this year if he spends every Saturday night there anyway?

itsstartingtofeelalotlikexmas · 12/12/2011 10:48

don't you have it in your custody arrangement that you have your son one year at Christmas and your ex has him the following year?

if you get him every xmas and won't agree to your ex seeing him for an hour on xmas eve then yabu

you are soooo lucky to see him every xmas day

wfrances · 12/12/2011 10:49

havnt read all ,so sorry if this has already been suggested but you really need to explain to your children that daddy spends all day with them so its only fair if daddy sees his son for 2 hours.
the message "that daddy loves all his children "will mean more to your children emotionally in the long run.
please dont make your husband chose, would you be able to chose between your 2 children who to see?

JaneBirkin · 12/12/2011 10:50

My son's father won't see him on Christmas day, because he will be having family fun with his new wife and her three children.

He's seen ds about 6 times this year, and has the audacity to ask for a particular photograph of ds (he chose one) presumably to show off to his family and friends. The child he hasn't brought up, very rarely sees and when he does see him, he turns up drunk. Or did on his birthday anyway.

I've 'forgotten' to get the photo reprinted. You cannot be proud of a child you have barely anything to do with. You just can't.

Sorry - needed a little rant and this seemed a good place to do it. Good luck OP.

buttonmoon78 · 12/12/2011 10:51

Oh and BTW, you are totally BU for being so devious.

I too am wondering if everything is as clear cut as you say. It might well be, but you must understand that by being devious people then question everything.

itsstartingtofeelalotlikexmas · 12/12/2011 10:52

read the whole thread op is the lone parent

FrothingBeserker · 12/12/2011 10:56

I don't think OP will be back to answer questions either. She has got what she wanted (being told SINBU on the strength of half the facts).

But I would like to know why there is no proper contact over the xmas period for her son with his father - he goes to stay with them every weekend usually, so there is regular contact in place. why no alternate or split Christmas arrangement? does this happen with his birthday too - is his father only allowed to see him for an hour then as well?

It really makes me very sad (for the children involved) when their parents cannot be reasonable about access arrangements.

BlameItOnTheBogey · 12/12/2011 11:09

I just don't get WHY people do reverse AIBUs? Do they think the answer will be different if they tell the truth upfront?

Sudaname · 12/12/2011 11:10

My DH works away all week so l only get him weekends and we have only been married a short time. Now when he come home the following are queuing up for him - his mother - always has a job for him to do that takes at least two hours and absolutely no-one else can do apparently, his DS1 wants him to visit his house to help him with something or other (DH is a builder btw), his DS2 visits/plonks himself on sofa and watches footie with his dad - both jumpimg up and down making blokey type noises every goal/penalty whatever for two hours, his DGD1 and DGD2 (both DS1s) both usually ask to sleep Saturday night if we're not going out. So thats Friday afternoon and Saturday all commandeered bar a few hours here and there just us. Sunday morning DGCs still here and supposed to be picked up early but its often 11 or 12 and DH never objects - adores his DGCs - and often says we might aswell take them with us if we going anywhere for the day. Sunday teatime he visits his mum again for a social visit so she wont feel he only goes to do jobs iyswim.

Guess what - I love my DH to bits but l have to accept he is a family man through and through and l will therefore always have to 'share' him ( I dont see him as my 'possesion' anyway). I suppose if l didnt keep a sense of humour about it and make the most of the time we do have alone then l too could feel quite resentful at times. But I wish l only had to 'share' my DH for two hours on Christmas Day and that amount of time is totally out of proportion to the resentment you obviously feel!!

YABU - like it or not first families dont just disappear when you marry their dad.

UnexpectedOrangeInMyStocking · 12/12/2011 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sudaname · 12/12/2011 11:39

Ahh one of those (mental note to not take half an hour to type a post while relaxing and having leisurely brew etc and then hey presto everythings changed).

Am not going to jump ships however OP and take your side as I cant now trust that your version of events is a fair and true account. The reverse OP in itself was very manipulative which is exactly how you were painting the OP - when you were her .

WibblyBibble · 12/12/2011 12:00

The moral of the story is: don't get pregnant with someone who's got a 3-month-old baby with someone else, because he's probably an arsehole. I'm sorry your ex is such a pathetic twat, OP.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourMincePies · 12/12/2011 12:09

OP it's always hard to reply to a reverse AIBU because really, it's still your version of what has gone on and not the view of your ex or his new partner. How do you know that his current partner has asked this or what he said to her or how long they 'sat about' for last year?

Why can't your son spend alternate Christmases, one with you and one with his father, step-mum and his half-siblings?

kelly2000 · 12/12/2011 12:12

YABVU. His son is just as much his child as your DD and DS are. yet you think it is unfair that your Dcs miss out on their father for two hours, and think they should get the full day with him, whilst his other child should be excluded. It would not be unreasonable for him to have alternate years with each child, so you are being very unreasonable and mean to demand that he does not see all of his children on Christmas day. If you have a relationship with someone who already has a child, then not getting that person to yourself 100% of the time is part of the deal. Why should any one child be more or less important to a parent just because they are not in a relationship with the other parent.

PenguinsAreThePoint · 12/12/2011 12:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gothicangel · 12/12/2011 12:21

wow you selfish person you are!

YABVVVVVVVVVU

Gonzo33 · 12/12/2011 12:21

I do, to a degree, understand where you are coming from. I am in a situation where I have a dss, and I also have my ds from a previous marriage in our family. Added to the mix my husband and I live abroad due to his work.

As we have been overseas for 4 years we have tried to get dss out with us (he is old enough to fly unaccompanied). Last year he did manage to come out for Christmas (thanks to his Mum, and Uncle) and the year before he came over for New Year. My son has point blank refused to go to his fathers for Christmas, so does not see his father at all over Christmas, which I think is a little sad (although his father doesn't make much of an effort anyway whole other argument ).

When we return to UK we are hoping that we will have alternate Christmas. One with both boys and our dd and one with just our dd.

I think compromise is the key. Is there no way (if some has pp'd this I apologise) that you can do alternate Christmas? Or have him all day boxing day and keep his presents aside and maybe one "surprise" present aside for your little ones?

It is mean spirited to resent an hour or two out of your day for your oh to see his boy.

LtXmasEve · 12/12/2011 12:22

I don't actually believe this is a reverse AIBU. Any other time we have one of these the OP comes back time and time again once the deception is revealed to gloat on the fact that she is NBU.

I think Festi meant everything she said in her OP, and only called it a reverse when she 1) Realised that absolutely no-one was supporting her and 2) Got the idea from the first person that suggested it.

(You would normally hope that something this U would be a reverse, but sadly there are people out there that think like this)

MrsvWoolf · 12/12/2011 12:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeanutsRoastingOnAnOpenFire · 12/12/2011 12:29

Why not just tell the story as it is? So you can hear lots of talk of how your ex dh and new partner are awful and BU?

Child should see his Father but why can he not go to your Exs house to spend time with his Half siblings and Father?

Pandemoniaa · 12/12/2011 12:35

I totally detest reverse AIBU threads. They make fools out of the rest of us and also make it well nigh impossible to answer the question properly - not least because it takes several pages for the truth to emerge and the confession usually gets hidden amongst the general wrath.

So actually YABveryU to post a reverse AIBU. YANBU in expecting your ex to take a little time out of his Christmas Day in order to spend time with his son. Your ex needs to get his priorities sorted and realise that you can't treat children like unwanted parcels. Shame on his current wife for expecting him to do so, too.

sozzledchops · 12/12/2011 12:38

YABsooooU that frankly I don't believe you.

GrownUpBelievesInSanta · 12/12/2011 12:41

Nobody should tell anybody not to see their children on Christmas Day.

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