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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my DH to see his other son on Chritmas day

195 replies

fabsi · 12/12/2011 10:11

My dh has a son from a previous relationship. He is 5 and i have a very good relationship with him. He stays over every Saturday and i absolutely adore him, as do our other two children, who are 4 and 2. The problem is, and i don't know if it's just me, but i hate my dh going to see his son on Christmas day. He has done for the last 4 years and i've dealt with it. Last year he asked his ex if he could drop the presents down Christmas eve and instead of coming over for the hour she wants him to, to open his presents with him, he would call him. She was not happy and insisted he came down, even if it's only for half an hour. Problem is, my kids are getting older now and we were sat around for nearly two whole hours waiting for him to come home so we could have some family time. This upset my dd and so angered me more and then the rest of the day was ruined. And so, i spoke to my dh last night and he said he'd rather upset his ex than me and so he will tell her he's not coming down. Problem is, this happened last year and she asks him why he can't come down and starts the emotional blackmail. Of course i can see it from her side too, she wants her son to have his daddy come down on Christmas day, but it's now starting to affect me and my dd and no doubt in years to come, my ds too. Advice please!

OP posts:
maypole1 · 12/12/2011 19:16

Have a Xmas Biscuit lady

You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch
You really are a heel,
You're as cuddly as a cactus, you're as charming as an eel, Mr. Grinch,
You're a bad banana with a greasy black peel!

You're a monster, Mr. Grinch,
Your heart's an empty hole,
Your brain is full of spiders, you have garlic in your soul, Mr. Grinch,
I wouldn't touch you with a thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole!

You're a foul one, Mr. Grinch,
You have termites in your smile,
You have all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile, Mr. Grinch,
Given a choice between the two of you I'd take the seasick crocodile!

You're a rotter, Mr. Grinch,
You're the king of sinful sots,
Your heart's a dead tomato splotched with moldy purple spots, Mr. Grinch,
You're a three decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce!

You nauseate me, Mr. Grinch,
With a nauseous super "naus"!,
You're a crooked dirty jockey and you drive a crooked hoss, Mr. Grinch,
Your soul is an appalling dump heap overflowing with the most disgraceful
Assortment of rubbish imaginable mangled up in tangled up knots!

You're a foul one, Mr. Grinch,
You're a nasty wasty skunk,
Your heart is full of unwashed socks, your soul is full of gunk, Mr. Grinch,
The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote,
"Stink, stank, stunk"!

MyChildDoesntNeedSleepAtXmas · 12/12/2011 19:18

Uggh. Reverse AIBU.

Not sure I believe it tbh. If this was really the story, why would you even question that you were the one being unreasonable and have to go and check on Mumsnet? Confused

MyChildDoesntNeedSleepAtXmas · 12/12/2011 19:20

Who has time to read through pages of responses?

I usually read the OP then give my first thoughts. I don't need to read others' responses in order to form my own!

Gigondas · 12/12/2011 19:22

Agrees mjin - we see dsc for presents on Xmas day but never had them stay for lunch which we'd love . Ex has never countenanced split or alternate christmas and dsc go along with it as get emotional blackmail otherwise. Which is a real shame as their sister (and presumably dd2 when she arrives next year) would love them
There .

I don't know if this is a reverse Aibu but step mum clearly bu but so is ex by not being more generous re arrangements. It is right say that if you are step parent you have to consider children as they are not an optional extra in the relationship . However being adult and reasonable and not letting whatever gripe you have with ex dp get in way of fair access seems just as valid.

JingleyBalls · 12/12/2011 19:24

I don't think this is a reverse AIBU. I think the Op is who she said she is in her first post and was so embarrassed by it she preferred the other option.

I think YABU to be angered by your DH going to visit his son on christmas day. It is just 2 hours, I am pretty sure your DCs will barely notice him gone. Your DSS deserves to see his dad on Christmas day just as your DC do.

Why not come to a better arrangeemnt where your Dss comes to yours and shares in the fun there rather than have your day ruined by the fact your DHs attention is elsewhere.

maypole1 · 12/12/2011 19:24

Personally I don't believe this is a reverse thread

A lot of mums netters have been posting something awful not getting the response they want then saying its a reverse thread

I wonder if op would have come out as a rt if the response had be positive

sickoftheemails · 12/12/2011 19:25

"Problem is, this happened last year and she asks him why he can't come down and starts the emotional blackmail"

Are you adittig to emotional blackmail OP?

sickoftheemails · 12/12/2011 19:25

admitting

MrsvWoolf · 12/12/2011 19:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LovesBloominChristmas · 12/12/2011 19:29

Yeah that's fine, but next year he can spend tge day with his first child and yours can go without.

What a horrible attitude you have and are teaching your children. The amount of time your dd was upset, well your step son saw his dad for less than that in total.

Get a fucking grip and learn some empathy.

MrsvWoolf · 12/12/2011 19:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mya2403 · 12/12/2011 19:29

YABU you sound like a bitch. 1 hour for gods sake that little boy has the same rights as your children to see his daddy.

MJinSparklyStockings · 12/12/2011 19:34

This is how it is for us - I'm copying and pasting from another thread I am on.
"Dsd was crying last night - plan was christmas eve and day with mum, boxing day afternoon and night here, she wouldn't dare suggest to her mum seeing her dad and siblings on Christmas day.

Her mum is to quote "giving her a really hard time" about boxing day, selfish vindictive cow that she is.

And everytime dsd gives her mum what she wants - her mum wants more. She is 16 and has no more strength to stand up to her than she did when she was 5.

As she put it yesterday she hates Christmas."

Hell would freeze over before dh went to his exes - we are also dsds family, our home is her home, and I bet either way - the ds in his isn't allowed to his dads for Christmas, probably under the guise of he doesn't want to go to his dads he is 5 - any feelings he has of not wanting to go there are picked up on vibes from his mother who clearly couldn't possibly be ok if he was with his dads at Christmas.

Posts like the op turn my stomach - but far from it being because the step mum is unreasonable but because even of the op is the sm - I can see clearly the exact situation she is in.

CardyMow · 12/12/2011 19:35

YANBU. And I'm the RP. Why can't the child spend alternate Christmasses with his dad and his mum? My DS's are at their dad's this year, for Christmas eve and Christmas day, with me on Boxing day. Next year,they will be with me for Christmas eve and Christmas Day, and their dad's on Boxing day.

Ask the mother about alternate Christamsses, and if she says no - go to court. The courts WILL rule that the child has to alternate Christmasses.

BEar in mind that this is coming from the MOTHER here. It is fair and right that to build a proper relationship with their father, the child should also spend alternate holiday periods with their father, as they will have different traditions, and the child should experience them.

IMO the mother is being SELFISH by not alternating Christmasses with the father - it's not about whther it is a shit Christmas for HER, it is about whether it is fair and right for the CHILD.

It broke my fucking HEART to spend DS1's 3rd Christmas apart from him - but I did it without complaint, when I was upset, I cried in the toilet then dried my tears and carried on with Christmas day. It may have been the WORST thing in the world for ME - but it is the best thing in the world for MY CHILD.

YAdefinatelyNBU - SHE IS.

MJinSparklyStockings · 12/12/2011 19:36

for 4 years he has been at his mums for Christmas - where do his dad and siblings fit into his - my bet dad is too scared to challenge status quo in case he loses the little contact he is being allowed

CardyMow · 12/12/2011 19:38

Oh, GOD. Not another reverse AIBU? Well, my response still wholeheartedly stands.

OP - if you are the mother - then YOU ARE BEING SELFISH, and putting YOUR OWN WANTS ABOVE THE NEEDS OF YOUR CHILD.

I am a Lone Parent mother, every other Christmas I am alone. Without my dc. But it is what is best FOR THEM.

Put your own bloody feelings aside - your child's feelings should come first. With no histronics or emotional blackmail from you about how you will be lonely at Christmas.

CardyMow · 12/12/2011 19:39

MJ - for once we are in agreement, I think. The mother just has to suck it up and do what is best for her dc, IMO. And that is from a mother who has been there and got the t-shirt.

MJinSparklyStockings · 12/12/2011 19:42

MJ bows to Hunty.

Good on you - when ds used to go to his dads, initially I was so lonely I cried myself to sleep every night - but he never ever knew that. It was my problem and not his.

ImperialBlether · 12/12/2011 19:42

For all those of you who think the DSS should spend Christmas with his father, think of this.

Husband has an affair whilst his wife is pregnant. He makes his girlfriend pregnant.

The wife finds out and they part.

He sets up home with his new family and goes on to have another child.

The (now ex) wife lives alone with their son - hard to actually go out and meet someone because she has a small child to care for.

Do you really think her ex should have the child on Christmas Day and she should spend it alone? Really??

All of this shouting is all very good and yes I agree that the OP was unreasonable and that the father should see his child on Christmas Day. But that he should have the child sleep over on Christmas Eve and spend the best part of Christmas Day with them all - that's ridiculous and don't tell me any of you would voluntarily put up with that.

FlightRisk · 12/12/2011 19:42

are you my ex's new partner???

How evil and selfish you are!
heaven forbid your chidren not have to share their father with their half sibling on christmas day just for two hours instead the other child has to go without completely!!

People like you disgust me!!!

CardyMow · 12/12/2011 19:45

Imperial. That is EXACTLY WHAT DS1'S DAD DID.

THAT should have NO BEARING on whether he gets to see his son on alternate christmasses.

So, to answer this question: 'Do you really think her ex should have the child on Christmas Day and she should spend it alone? Really??'

The answer is YES I DO.

MJinSparklyStockings · 12/12/2011 19:45

flightrisk why can't your son go to his dads - do you not attach any importance to children spending time with their siblings on Christmas day

FlightRisk · 12/12/2011 19:47

ok just seen your second post I hope you haven't just said that to stop all the flamers though

CardyMow · 12/12/2011 19:47

I divorced my Ex-H, DS1's dad because I caught him cheating on me. His OW was pregnant. Not my CHILD'S problem. MY problem.

Does the fact that he can't keep his dick in his pants preclude him from spending every other Christmas day with his son? I don't think so.

Again, I reiterate. It is not what is best for the MOTHER, it is what is best for the CHILD.

MeltedAdventCalendarChocolates · 12/12/2011 19:48

I don't believe this is a real reverse but anyway...

The mother of the 4 and 2 year old is blatantly OW and she is being so VU it's crazy.

Mum of 5 year old has every right to have kid stay with her and not have to do turn about. The father should make the effort every Christmas no matter what.