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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my DH to see his other son on Chritmas day

195 replies

fabsi · 12/12/2011 10:11

My dh has a son from a previous relationship. He is 5 and i have a very good relationship with him. He stays over every Saturday and i absolutely adore him, as do our other two children, who are 4 and 2. The problem is, and i don't know if it's just me, but i hate my dh going to see his son on Christmas day. He has done for the last 4 years and i've dealt with it. Last year he asked his ex if he could drop the presents down Christmas eve and instead of coming over for the hour she wants him to, to open his presents with him, he would call him. She was not happy and insisted he came down, even if it's only for half an hour. Problem is, my kids are getting older now and we were sat around for nearly two whole hours waiting for him to come home so we could have some family time. This upset my dd and so angered me more and then the rest of the day was ruined. And so, i spoke to my dh last night and he said he'd rather upset his ex than me and so he will tell her he's not coming down. Problem is, this happened last year and she asks him why he can't come down and starts the emotional blackmail. Of course i can see it from her side too, she wants her son to have his daddy come down on Christmas day, but it's now starting to affect me and my dd and no doubt in years to come, my ds too. Advice please!

OP posts:
Rycie · 12/12/2011 10:19

You married a man who already had a child and I assume you knew this.

How would you feel if the situation was reversed - imagine your DH married someone else and she didn't want him to see your children on Christmas Day?

This is something that you are going to have to deal with for the rest of your life in multiple situations, so I suggest you come to terms with it.

If you really wanted to find a positive and constructive solution, the best thing to do would be to invite your DH's ex and his son to spend Christmas with you.

You need to behave like a mother - and not just to your own children.

Snowboarder · 12/12/2011 10:20

YABVVU... Imagine a role reversal where your DH left you and started another family. Now imagine he was telling YOUR children he would not be bothering to come and see them on Christmas day... How upset would your DD be then OP?

If you marry or enter into a relationship with a man (or woman) who has children, you should understand that those children do not magically disappear. If he is any sort of a father he should make sure he is still part of his son's life and that includes showing him the same live as his other children at Christmas.

Just a warning OP, you're about to be flayed alive.

Chundle · 12/12/2011 10:20

Why don't you offer to have dss over night on Xmas eve and drop him home.Xmas morning

ViviPrudolf · 12/12/2011 10:20

I'm not sure you're the wicked witch you're being painted to be OP, rather a bit shortsighted and wrapped up in your own world (aren't we all sometimes?)

But yes, you are BU. YABvU. Just suck it up and plan it into your day by thinking of a nice, absorbing activity do engage your DCs in while your husband is out of the house for that time.

LaurieFairyCake · 12/12/2011 10:21

I'm going to assume this is a reverse AIBU and you are really the ex-partner.

Yes, your ex-partner should make every effort to visit his son on Christmas Day.

TandB · 12/12/2011 10:21

Can you not function for two hours without your DH? Why did you 'sit round' waiting for him? Aren't there things you can do to entertain yourselves on Christmas Day while your DH gives a minuscule amount of time to a child who has an equal right to his time as yours?

You are being thoroughly selfish, spoiled and unpleasant. Grow up.

Snowboarder · 12/12/2011 10:21

Live = love. Bah!

sue52 · 12/12/2011 10:21

Very U and unkind to a 5 year old child. I do hope you're not real.

BreadCrumbsandButterBeans · 12/12/2011 10:21

Is this a wind up or a reverse AIBU?

BlameItOnTheBogey · 12/12/2011 10:21

This is not about putting his Ex before you. It is about making his children (and that means all of them) his priority. As a parent, this is our job. YABVU and need to rethink the unfair pressure you are putting him under quickly.

ViviPrudolf · 12/12/2011 10:22

On second thoughts... anyone else smell a reverse AIBU?

All the hallmarks.... Xmas Hmm

StandingAlone · 12/12/2011 10:22

YABVU and down right nasty to boot.

I feel so Sad and sorry for your DSS. Why on earth shouldn't he get to spend a measly hour with his dad on Christmas day. TBH it should be more than an hour.

Get over yourself and stop being so damn petty.

(I am kind of half hoping that this is a reverse thread)

pepper09 · 12/12/2011 10:22

If I told ds aged 4 that he wouldn't see his dad on Christmas day he'd be devastated. Stunned that you even have to ask..

ViviPrudolf · 12/12/2011 10:22

Snap, bread Xmas Grin

SantaDesperatelySeeksSedatives · 12/12/2011 10:23

Ofcourse YABU. Totally U.

Seriously, in a few years time if things don't pan out with your DP and you split up, how would you feel if your DC were rejected for one measly hour on christmas day just because your ex's new missus couldn't cope without him for that time.

Also Hmm and Confused at accusing his ex of "emotional blackmail". Surely if anyone is using emotional blackmail it's you?

ladyintheradiator · 12/12/2011 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeakytoy · 12/12/2011 10:23

It has to be a reverse AIBU I think.. I find it hard to believe anyone would be so selfish as to really think this is nice behaviour.

DharmaLovesDracosbaubles · 12/12/2011 10:23

It's not about upsetting his ex over you though is it? It's about upsetting his 5 year old son, or am I missing something?

That said is there anyway you can change the Christmas arrangements so that he could come to you for the night Christmas Eve or even Christmas night so that he gets some proper time with his dad?

FaverollesWithBoughsOfHolly · 12/12/2011 10:23

Yep, YABU.
If you act accepting in front of your dc, they will follow suit.
It won't hurt them (or you) to have a couple of hours doing something without him, knowing that he'll be back to spend the rest of Christmas with you

QuintessentiallyFestive · 12/12/2011 10:23

So, now you are blackmailing your husband? Is that better?
You resent your dd not seeing her dad for a couple of hours, but his son is not seeing him the whole day?

He would be a terrible father if he were to give in to you.

You are a really nasty piece of work, arent you. Sad

blueballoon79 · 12/12/2011 10:23

Your DH has three children and should not be leaving one of them out on Christmas day simply because you can't manage to occupy yourself and your two children for a couple of hours.
I think your DH is simply awful to actually agree to not visit his son on Christmas day. I wouldn't want to be with a man who would even consider doing this.

SantaDesperatelySeeksSedatives · 12/12/2011 10:24

I did wonder if this was a reverse AIBU too. Either way it still Xmas Shock me that anyone could be this unreasonable!

Tabliope · 12/12/2011 10:24

He says he'd rather upset his ex than you so won't go! It's not about upsetting the adults it's about upsetting a poor 5 year old boy that doesn't see his dad xmas day apart from an hour. Your step son's mother isn't doing it to upset anyone - she's insisting so that her child gets to see his dad xmas day. I can't believe your DD is that upset - it's up to her to take cues from you and if you're matter of fact about it and fill the time he's away in a fun way I'm sure she won't be bothered. It's just the way it has to be - your kids don't take precedence over a little boy that doesn't have his dad full time.

Mimmee · 12/12/2011 10:25

I can't believe you're for real but if you are...

You begrudge a 5 year old an HOUR with his dad. That's disgusting.

But what is really shocking is this

i spoke to my dh last night and he said he'd rather upset his ex than me and so he will tell her he's not coming down

So he doesn't care about upsetting his son? Your DH sounds utterly pathetic.

IwishIwasmoresparkly · 12/12/2011 10:25

Hope you've got the message op - YABVU and selfish.

I think the suggestions of having your DSS over for some time on Christmas day might make you feel better about the whole situation, but then Christmas Day isn't just about you so as grown adults the three of you need to come up with a solution that works best for you and the 3 children.