Or is he? Making me feel uncomfortable.

[QuestionTime]

A bit of context - I am 5 foot 3 and weigh about 9 stone 10, dress size 10/12.
Have always struggled with my dh making me feel fat. He has recently lost a lot of weight and if anything this has made it worse. Just things like him moving away from me if I am eating. Or just making little comments about me needing to eat all the time- I like breakfast lunch and dinner, he doesn't tend to eat until 3ish.
Anyway two things happened today. Lying in bed this morning stroking the cat who was lying on my chest. He kept taking pics of me on his phone as cos I was looking down and the camera was pointing up I had a huge double chin and looked minging! Anyway he kept showing me the pics over and over again even when I asked him to stop as it was upsetting me, saying "why, it's just what you look like."
Then I was cooking dinner at 5 and because I had been so busy I literally hadn't eaten anything yet and was starving!! It was just for me, but I cooked quite a lot - a big handful of pasta, a packet of bacon and 5 egg yolks for the carbonara (he didn't want any.)
I wasn't planning on eating all of the bacon anyway, but whilst I was cooking he went on and on incessantly about how much I was cooking. I kept asking him to stop and explaining that I hadn't eaten anything and I was hungry but he wouldn't.
About the zillionth time he ended with "and I bet you scoff a load of chocolates after as well."
At this point I lost pacience and said "oh fuck off" (I immediately apologised for swearing) and he stormed off.
He now says he will never comment on what I eat or cook again, but therefore I can never ask him how I look and he will never buy me any chocolate again.
Aibu or is he?
Thank you

i know sit - it can happen to anyone - but for those who've been 'programmed' to have shaky boundaries, or low self esteem or to associate love with criticism and control there is an even greater susceptibility i think and an even harder battle to see how very abnormal things have gotten

and they don't necessarily have any good past relationships to draw healthy comparisons with.

Until I met my DH I don't think I'd ever had a healthy relationship. My 'model' came from my parents (divorced, Dad who was EA to my mum and emotionally unavailable, StepD who hit my Mum). But I know that it can happen to anyone.

It took me a while to realise that my most recent ex, while superficially charming, was working to change me. Like sit said, it started small but it was relentless. He wanted me to stay slim, and pretty (in a way he dictated) and look as he directed. I only ditched him when I realised I didn't want any future kids growing up like him.

When I read the OP's post I thought of him immediately.

i cling to the memory of my grandfather who did love me unconditionally and healthily without strings and traps and fear provoking etc etc.

it often makes me wonder if i hadn't had that one example how much harder would i have found life? just one person/relationship can make so much difference.

Can't believe people are focussing on the op's meal. Whatever she was eating her dp had no right to talk to her like that, and it is disgusting that posters are taking his side. This is called "woman-blaming" and is one of the reasons that women are still not taking an equal part in society.

Oh and whoever said they would feed a family of 3 grown men and herself on q big handful of pasta, 2 egg yolks and a packet of bacon, I bet the three grown men are off down the chippy as soon as her bqck's turned!

Wow! I can't believe he is criticising your size and how you look/how much you weigh, yet at the same time dresses up as a woman/shaves his body hair/puts on nail varnish when it quite clearly turns you off. How dare he judge you!

He sounds like he has serious issues. I'd move on if I were you.

OP is you are still reading, why haven't you come back ?

Why do people post for advice and then do one ?

is it because they were hoping to hear just one voice that said it was ok to stay in this horrendous situation ?

it isn't, and you won't

but you can still come back to your thread (if only to thank the people who took time to post here)

op did pop back and say sorry for not engaging much but that she was trying to absorb what was said on here and did appreciate what was said. she also acknowledge that the other linked thread from a year ago was her.

He is behaving like a bully. Trying to make you feel bad about yourself. You do not do that to someone you love.

And so what if the op was cooking a lot? Utterly irrelevant and who says she was going to eat it all anyway? I always cook too much especially if I'm really hungry but I don't necessarily eat it all. And even if I did, that's nobody's business but mine and in this case, the op's.

It certainly doesn't warrant insults from her oh.

Thanks, santa

I did see that from yesterday, but nothing since

Which is her perorogative, of course

OP doesn't need to come on to 'thank' anybody for the advice. She's free to take it or not take it as she sees fit.

I don't find controlling people acceptable at all, male or female.

no, Lying, you are right about that bit...that was wrong of me

like I said, her prerogative

I guess what I really mean is this...Op has posted about this before. She got much the same advice. Now she is back, enduring more of the same treatment, getting the same replies. What is going to change ? Will she disappear (again) to lick her wounds, and be back in a few weeks time wth the same refrain ?

I really hope not. I expect we would all like to see her decide that enough is enough

i hope she is digesting. i would really like to know what her instincts tell her about the idea of him as a repressed homosexual - would it fit OP - what does your gut tell you? don't have to reply obviously but hope you'll ask yourself and trust your instincts and evidence.

AF... I know. I saw the other thread. I know how you feel, I feel the same really. We want OP to be free, to free herself and rid herself of this horrible man who will never do anything but demean and try to control her. :(

I don't know what else can be done except to keep repeating the same advice, hoping that at some point OP is strong enough to break away and mean it.

QT - hope you are okay and having a good think about the advice you've received. Maybe you should go and talk to someone in real life - Women's advice centre, relate or ask your doctor. This seems like a big thing and I think you need some real-life moral support. Is there a friend you can confide in or a family member? Remember this is not a shameful thing - you are being bullied and belittled and that is not your fault. Good luck.

Hi everyone. I don't personally believe he is a repressed homosexual. He had a very wild and free twenties, and very liberal parents so I honestly believe that he would not have repressed it.
I'm not going to leave him. Sorry. There are some really bad points about him, but also many wonderful ones. My mum is dying of brain cancer at the moment and apart from one blip he could not have been more supportive.
Yes I hate the food issue and the dressing and it makes me very miserable at times, but doesn't everyone have things they hate?

Things they hate - yes.

People who denigrate them - no.

If he was so wonderfully supportive, and you had a mutually satisfying, healthy relationship, you would be able to talk to him about this - the way his stinking snide bullying makes you feel, and he would listen, and not do it any more. Just as you would, if he raised such a problem with you.

But you wouldn't do it, would you? Because it's mean, nasty, vile behaviour, and you wouldn't treat the person you loved like that, would you??

Unlike your loving, supportive man.

Yuck.

Thats a lot of food to cook but getting out his camera while he can take a pic at an unflattering angle then showing it to you is cruel i would have hit him other the head with the camera and you shouldent apoligise for swearing. He sounds like a right twat his he always like this?

It doesn't matter how much fucking food she cooked- every time someone mentions it it gives him a sliver of reasonableness. She couldcook the whole bloody packet if she wqnted to- it's none of his business. Why do people alwqys blame women for men's crap behaviour?

I used to have a boyfriend like this, back when I was 24/5; he thought I was a lovely person but just couldn't bear the fact I was 'so fat'. (I was a size 10 or so, by the way. Albeit with massive Issues about my body.)

I am now 48, probably a few pounds heavier than I was then, and still shudder with relief that I eventually dumped the loser. Who has done absolutely nothing with his life in the ensuing quarter-century, btw. OP, darling, please just do what I did.

Question Time - i am sorry to hear about your mum. my dad had the same thing. i wonder if your DH is unhappy in himself so doesnt want you to be happy with yourself.

i think your should deal with everything he says/does very matter of factly, because - as you said - your mum is dying so have more important things to worry about than his stupid behaviour. so dont ignore it - he is out of order - but try not to let him occupy too much of your life. he sounds v attention seeking.

I agree TillyMinto.

But I have to say that I am the real TillyMint, in my Christmas disguise

BigTilly - a fellow MNer has named her cat after us. First a cat called 'TillyMintoe'.... Next global domination

Are you a scouser?

very sad to read your post QT. you know what you're saying right? that it's ok for him to bully you and make you miserable, that you will stay with him no matter what he does to you?

that is incredibly sad. what a waste of your life!