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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is he? Making me feel uncomfortable.

202 replies

QuestionTime · 10/12/2011 17:53

A bit of context - I am 5 foot 3 and weigh about 9 stone 10, dress size 10/12.
Have always struggled with my dh making me feel fat. He has recently lost a lot of weight and if anything this has made it worse. Just things like him moving away from me if I am eating. Or just making little comments about me needing to eat all the time- I like breakfast lunch and dinner, he doesn't tend to eat until 3ish.
Anyway two things happened today. Lying in bed this morning stroking the cat who was lying on my chest. He kept taking pics of me on his phone as cos I was looking down and the camera was pointing up I had a huge double chin and looked minging! Anyway he kept showing me the pics over and over again even when I asked him to stop as it was upsetting me, saying "why, it's just what you look like."
Then I was cooking dinner at 5 and because I had been so busy I literally hadn't eaten anything yet and was starving!! It was just for me, but I cooked quite a lot - a big handful of pasta, a packet of bacon and 5 egg yolks for the carbonara (he didn't want any.)
I wasn't planning on eating all of the bacon anyway, but whilst I was cooking he went on and on incessantly about how much I was cooking. I kept asking him to stop and explaining that I hadn't eaten anything and I was hungry but he wouldn't.
About the zillionth time he ended with "and I bet you scoff a load of chocolates after as well."
At this point I lost pacience and said "oh fuck off" (I immediately apologised for swearing) and he stormed off.
He now says he will never comment on what I eat or cook again, but therefore I can never ask him how I look and he will never buy me any chocolate again.
Aibu or is he?
Thank you

OP posts:
Dorris83 · 10/12/2011 18:26

Oh this isn't fun I know. I used to hate my dh commenting on my food or weight, but my bmi was 29...

Yours is 24 ( based in my bmi calc app!) so within the healthy range.

If I'm honest. You're reacting in an emotional and sensitive way, and he is being annoyingly rational ( 'that's what you look like'). If it bothers you, explain calmly and unemotionally that his comments upset you, and ask if he thinks you're overweight,then show him your bmi and if you're happy with your weight, tell him you're not going to change.

If you do want to lose weigt, tell him to help you. My dh does the cooking so helped me by weighing food and telling me how much as in what we're eating...

But I did need to lose weight. My story has a happy ending though, I now have a healthy bmi of 24 and dh is nothing but complimentary about my appearance (can't keep his hands off!)

So I think you a) are happy with your wait and own it or
B) lose some if you want to

Dorris83 · 10/12/2011 18:26

Sorry for typos !

Finallygotaroundtoit · 10/12/2011 18:27

He was BU and deeply unpleasant but you have a result - he has promised never to comment on your appearance or food again. Hold him to it.

Buy your own choc and enjoy it Xmas Smile

acumenin · 10/12/2011 18:27

How horrid he sounds. I hope he's rich and good in bed.

alistron1 · 10/12/2011 18:27

The amount the OP cooked is immaterial. Sometimes DP makes himself snacks with loads of eggs/bacon. I wou;dn't dream of commenting on anything he eats and would be horrified if he commented on what I shove in me gob.

You are an adult OP, you can cook/eat what you damn well like, when you damn well like and how you damn well like.

Bunbaker · 10/12/2011 18:28

Sorry. A handful of pasta shells isn't a lot, but 5 egg yolks for one person!!!!! and an entire pack of bacon!!!

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 10/12/2011 18:30

of course you're not being unreasonable. he is being a vile bully intent on making you feel like shit. is that really what you want in a husband?

sorry but he sounds a complete arsehole. who does that to someone?

those joining in to tell the OP she's a pig or something are as nasty as he is.

Bohica · 10/12/2011 18:30

He sounds horrible.

WhoopsyLa · 10/12/2011 18:31

So who gives a fek Bunbaker Hmm It's nothing to do with anyone and she never said she would eat it all in one go!

Teaandchristmascakeplease · 10/12/2011 18:32

Allistron was right when she said "The amount the OP cooked is immaterial." So I will try to stop commenting in a minute but she said in her OP she wasn't going to eat all the bacon.

Anyway my children are now squabbling Blush, so I shall be back later. Hope you're ok OP.

alistron1 · 10/12/2011 18:32

An 'entire' pack of bacon can be anything between 4 -8 rashers. And the OP may well have been making extra in case her DP wanted some.

Also, loads of recipes can specify large amounts of ingredients for small portions. And this is irrelevant. She's a grown up who should not be being 'policed' by her DP.

bushymcbush · 10/12/2011 18:36

Yanbu, nobody has the right to judge what you eat. He sounds like an absolute twat actually.

crypes · 10/12/2011 18:37

He sounds like his f'king starving all the time, absolutely jealous of your lovely yummy meals and basically beating himself for some strange reason while you appear to be happily going about your own life in control. What is his problem? cos you dont have one.

valiumredhead · 10/12/2011 18:39

Why did you apologise for swearing?!

VickityBoo · 10/12/2011 18:45

I too think its a lot of food for one person. A whole pack of bacon? Or did you type it wrong?

I'm 5'2 and now after some work am 8st 12. I'm still a size 12 though not a 10 yet - big hips that I acknowledge!

I know personally that having put work in and feeling very proud of myself for losing almost 2 stone since Jan, and realising the benefits of eating better, that I do kind of go on about it sometimes to my bored dp.

It's not so much that I bully him, but I'd like him to realise what he's doing and feel better for a healthier diet and exercise. I think it would lift his mood. Anyway that's my side. My dp does feel he needs to lose weight so I don't feel bad pointing things out.

Are you happy with your body at the moment? If you are then tell him! Get out some sexy lingerie and woo him, show him your happy as you are and that he also appreciates you as you are too. If you would like to lose a pound or two (not saying you need to at all, you don't, but I'd you did...) then maybe ask him for tips or do his exercise with him if that's possible. Maybe having less in common is the issue?

Hope that makes sense. I'm trying to write whilst getting dd's bed stuff ready!

GwendolineMaryLacedwithBrandy · 10/12/2011 18:48

Sounds like an utter fuckwit. But some people can't help themselves, as shown by some of the responses on this thread.

ImperialBlether · 10/12/2011 18:49

It sounds as though he had to become obsessed with dieting in order to lose weight. Now that he's done it, he's scared of putting it all back on. The way he's coping with that is trying to make you feel as obsessed as he is - he probably feels that just one slip up will mean he's back to where he started.

I can understand all that.

But the photo - that is really a horrible thing to do. I've heard that papparazi take 'up-nose' shots of people they really dislike in order to humiliate them. Basically, that's what he's done to you. He'll say that humiliation is to force you to lose weight. I think there are more emotionally healthy ways to do that and if he doesn't know that, he's a prick.

What was he like before all this started?

lisianthus · 10/12/2011 19:01

He sounds really unpleasant. You are a size 10 FGS! I wouldn't be trying to "woo" him, i'd want to be slapping him around the chops with a wet fish.

This sounds like it's more about his insecurities than yours. He doesn't normally eat until 3pm? Good grief.

VickityBoo · 10/12/2011 19:03

The photo thing isn't nice - do think you should tell him.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 10/12/2011 19:05

are you for fucking real vicikty? you're suggesting a woman slimmer than you might need to lose a few pounds and recommending the answer for her husband acting like a twat is for her to get some sexy underwear??????

what a weird planet you live on.

missmalteser · 10/12/2011 19:11

Am absolutely gobsmacked the op is being told she'll feel so much better for losing weight, she is a size 10-12 people! The only weight she needs to lose is the dead weight attitude of her 'd'h

NinkyNonker · 10/12/2011 19:12

Amazing. A man treats his wife like this and a recommendation is to effectively reward him?

swanfall · 10/12/2011 19:16

He is being a bullying bastard. Even if he's somehow trying to help you because he thinks you're not happy with your weight, that is no way to treat someone you love, esp re photos.

If he's never done anything like this before then he may have an eating disorder, but I suspect he's just a dick.

And you aren't even overweight anyway!

difficulttimes · 10/12/2011 19:21

at a 10/12 you are no way overweight.

tell him to jog on.

GlueSticksEverywhere · 10/12/2011 19:26

He sounds like he is obsessive about food and rather controlling. He needs to realise though that if he wants to control food he should control his own, not yours!

How much you ate for one particular meal is irrelevant.

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