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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is he? Making me feel uncomfortable.

202 replies

QuestionTime · 10/12/2011 17:53

A bit of context - I am 5 foot 3 and weigh about 9 stone 10, dress size 10/12.
Have always struggled with my dh making me feel fat. He has recently lost a lot of weight and if anything this has made it worse. Just things like him moving away from me if I am eating. Or just making little comments about me needing to eat all the time- I like breakfast lunch and dinner, he doesn't tend to eat until 3ish.
Anyway two things happened today. Lying in bed this morning stroking the cat who was lying on my chest. He kept taking pics of me on his phone as cos I was looking down and the camera was pointing up I had a huge double chin and looked minging! Anyway he kept showing me the pics over and over again even when I asked him to stop as it was upsetting me, saying "why, it's just what you look like."
Then I was cooking dinner at 5 and because I had been so busy I literally hadn't eaten anything yet and was starving!! It was just for me, but I cooked quite a lot - a big handful of pasta, a packet of bacon and 5 egg yolks for the carbonara (he didn't want any.)
I wasn't planning on eating all of the bacon anyway, but whilst I was cooking he went on and on incessantly about how much I was cooking. I kept asking him to stop and explaining that I hadn't eaten anything and I was hungry but he wouldn't.
About the zillionth time he ended with "and I bet you scoff a load of chocolates after as well."
At this point I lost pacience and said "oh fuck off" (I immediately apologised for swearing) and he stormed off.
He now says he will never comment on what I eat or cook again, but therefore I can never ask him how I look and he will never buy me any chocolate again.
Aibu or is he?
Thank you

OP posts:
ThereGoesTheFear · 10/12/2011 19:31

I am speechless that some posters are focusing on what you were cooking/your weight etc, instead of the bullying behaviour of your 'D'H. How is it relevant how much you cooked? And the posters who helpfully point out that they weigh less/are taller than OP, well bully for you.

You have a healthy BMI, so he's not acting out of worry for your health.
Even when you ask him to stop doing something because it upsets you (the pictures, going on about what you're cooking/eating) he keeps doing it.

He sounds very unpleasant. How is he about other things?

PlumpDogPillionaire · 10/12/2011 19:34

OP - clearly what he said and did was out of order.

But when you say 'uncomfortable', do you mean uncomfrtable about your body size and self image, or about the fact that he's getting away with being an arsehole?

You know whether or not you're a healthy weight - other posters' speculation about a 'handful' of pasta, sies10-12 etc. are all quite irrelevant because they're all, ahem, a moveable feast.

What matters is in what way you feel uncomfortable and how to address that.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 10/12/2011 19:41

Your Dh is a twat. Nasty, overbearing bully.

YABU for apologising to him after having told him to fuck off.

rhondajean · 10/12/2011 19:43

Not eating to 3pm in the day is really unhealthy. Ive posted before about DH training to be a personal trainer and he is really into fitness and healthy eating and he would be oturaged if one of his clients did that.

He is probably a damn sight less healthy than you are, even if he is maintainin the weight loss at the moment.

If DH had done that to me - not that he would - I would have sat and ate the whole pigging pile of pasta in front of him. Probably washed down with a bottle of wine. I admit to being childish at times!

And everyone has a double chin at that camera angle. Promise.

rhondajean · 10/12/2011 19:45

Dh would also be outraged. Sorry typing.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 10/12/2011 19:50

incidentally i'm 5ft 7, a size 10-12 and sometimes, shock horror, put 2 and a half handfuls of pasta in a pan Shock

does this mean i should let people bully, mock and harrass me? do i deserve it because i eat more pasta than weighwatchers recommends?

bunch. of. nutters.

OP i'd start another thread in relationships if i were you and talk this through their with people who'll help you deal with the relationship issue and how his behaviour is making you feel rather than drag out all their own fucked up obsessive food issues and project them at you.

VickityBoo · 10/12/2011 19:52

Not suggesting she needs to lose weight. I was asking if she feels she would like to. Things don't always come across so well when we can't actually hear and see people talking as we all know. I don't think she does need to lose weight (as stated). She sounds very healthy.

My thinking was, if she 'did' have an interest in that side of things, fitness etc (which doesn't always mean weight loss, just fitness) then her other half may find it nice that she asks him for advice or information.

What's wrong with that? I know people who are a size 10 but they don't like their bum, for example. They might ask a friend who has toned their bum recently how they did it and do they have tips.

That's the kind of thing I meant. I don't think people should be made to feel ashamed of their bodies. I also agree that 3 meals a day is great, and that not eating until 3pm is seriously going to mess up the metabolism.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 10/12/2011 19:54

oh so when your husband abuses you you should prop up his ego by asking his advice? as well as buying sexy knickers.

i'd stop digging if i was you - you sound like a female chauvinist pig.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 10/12/2011 19:55

perhaps if she gave him a quick blow job next time he's bullying her - "her other half may find it nice".

listen to yourself.

NinkyNonker · 10/12/2011 19:55

Hell, I would love to be a size 10-12, but those days are behind me for now. I would be horrified if DH said something like this, where was the decent man I married? Cause no decent man/person would treat someone they loved like that.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 10/12/2011 19:55

oh and be sure to give your kids a big bar of chocolate when they set fire to their bedroom.

TheFrogs · 10/12/2011 19:56

Sounds like plain and simple jealousy to me. When he was bigger he made you feel rubbish about your weight to make himself feel better about his. Now he's lost a bit (and i'm assuming he's found dieting difficult, dont we all!) he sees you eating what you want and not getting any bigger when he's having to restrict his intake.....

Size 10/12 is fine op, I've been a size six and weighed 7st, i've been a size 14 and weighed 11st, and everything in between. I'm now at around 9st, size 10 on bottom, 12 on top and ok with that. But no matter what weight i've been, i've always had wobbly bits i'd rather hide. There's none of us perfect.

VickityBoo · 10/12/2011 19:57

Mentioning sexy lingerie - what's wrong with that? Feeling sexy and alive in the bedroom whatever body shape and saying 'who the hell cares, here I am' isn't a bad thing.

Also, I wasn't boasting about being 5'2 and a size 12. I was stating that lucky op, I'd love to be a size 10/12 but am not because I acknowledge my hips don't let me!

Bogeyface · 10/12/2011 19:58

I would make the meal the OP made if I hadnt eaten all day. Plate it up and eat.....about half, at the most! My friend who is 5'8" and a size 8 could easily eat all of it, and have pudding and probably a snack after that! She has 2 kids and is just one of those people who can eat til they look pregnant and not put on a pound.

Some people have eyes bigger than their bellies (that would be me), some people dont put on weight and some people just have pig out days occasionally (hands up if you have never had one!)

Regardless of what she was cooking, and I am astounded that there are posters joining in with her dick head husband in having a go at her, he had no right to say what he has been saying.

Either he has always been a bullying arsehole and this is just his latest stick to beat her with, or he is jealous that at a size 10/12 she is not overweight and yet can still eat big meals like that when he cant, or he is developing an eating disorder. Whichever it is, it aint good.

aubergineinautumn · 10/12/2011 19:59

This isn't about your weight or what you cook/eat. He sounds v controlling. Is he like this in other ways? Eg money, leisure time, friends, work?

VickityBoo · 10/12/2011 19:59

Please explain how I'm digging? Are points of view's no longer allowed? Feel free to tell me you don't agree (I'm open to opinions) but please do it in a way that fully explains why.

Winkly · 10/12/2011 20:04

Buy your own chocolate, don't ask him how you look and hold him to never commenting on what you eat or cook again. Wanker (him not OP).

I'm touchy about what I eat and how I look. DH is well aware and would never be that horrible to me.

PlumpDogPillionaire · 10/12/2011 20:05

I think the point Satan's making is that perhaps it's not altogether rational to capitulate to and reward someone if they're bullying you and making you feel like shit, Vickity.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 10/12/2011 20:06

right i'll try and make it simple.

a woman posts that her husband has been bullying and taunting her and doing demeaning things repeatedly despite being asked to stop.

you recommend her getting some sexy underwear.

do you see nothing wrong this at all?

VickityBoo · 10/12/2011 20:09

Thank you Plumpdog.

Bogeyface · 10/12/2011 20:12

Sheesh "Dear Deirdre, My husband is constantly criticising what I eat and how I look despite the fact that I am not overweight. He keeps doing it no matter how much I ask him not to. What should I do?#2

"He sounds very insecure so why not buy some sexy lingerie and show him that he is the only man in your life? I am sure that once he sees you being sexy and attentive he will soon stop nagging you"

Or better still, the above but acted out in a photo story by women in their underwear Hmm

Biscuit
Bogeyface · 10/12/2011 20:14

Not that I read The Sun you understand.....Dh never buys it and leaves it in the the recycling pile and I never pull them out for the problem page.

someone told me about it once....thats all....honest. Blush

VickityBoo · 10/12/2011 20:16

Wow Sad

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 10/12/2011 20:27

do you get it now vickity?

Serenitysutton · 10/12/2011 20:32

I don't understand how you be a 10-12 at 5ft3 and nearly 10 stone, tbh. I think you sound quite chippy about your weight so you're basically feeding off eachother.

All said though it doesn't seem to be that bigger deal, just a little spat. Hope you make it up and enjoy your evening

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