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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is he? Making me feel uncomfortable.

202 replies

QuestionTime · 10/12/2011 17:53

A bit of context - I am 5 foot 3 and weigh about 9 stone 10, dress size 10/12.
Have always struggled with my dh making me feel fat. He has recently lost a lot of weight and if anything this has made it worse. Just things like him moving away from me if I am eating. Or just making little comments about me needing to eat all the time- I like breakfast lunch and dinner, he doesn't tend to eat until 3ish.
Anyway two things happened today. Lying in bed this morning stroking the cat who was lying on my chest. He kept taking pics of me on his phone as cos I was looking down and the camera was pointing up I had a huge double chin and looked minging! Anyway he kept showing me the pics over and over again even when I asked him to stop as it was upsetting me, saying "why, it's just what you look like."
Then I was cooking dinner at 5 and because I had been so busy I literally hadn't eaten anything yet and was starving!! It was just for me, but I cooked quite a lot - a big handful of pasta, a packet of bacon and 5 egg yolks for the carbonara (he didn't want any.)
I wasn't planning on eating all of the bacon anyway, but whilst I was cooking he went on and on incessantly about how much I was cooking. I kept asking him to stop and explaining that I hadn't eaten anything and I was hungry but he wouldn't.
About the zillionth time he ended with "and I bet you scoff a load of chocolates after as well."
At this point I lost pacience and said "oh fuck off" (I immediately apologised for swearing) and he stormed off.
He now says he will never comment on what I eat or cook again, but therefore I can never ask him how I look and he will never buy me any chocolate again.
Aibu or is he?
Thank you

OP posts:
BonzoDooDah · 11/12/2011 19:44

Santa-Satan homosexuality is nothing to do with transvestitism. But the point you are trying to make sounds about right.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 11/12/2011 19:47

i know it doesn't have to be but if you put all the pieces together in the OP's case it sounds like in this instance it may well be.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 11/12/2011 19:49

he finds curvy women grotesque - he finds his slim but obviously womanly wife grotesque - he is displaying neurotic control issues over his basic drives like food consumption.

it isn't good to jump to conclusions obviously but as a hypothesis it's one with legs i reckon.

BonzoDooDah · 11/12/2011 19:51

agreed - poor QuestionTime Sad

Original poster
QuestionTime · 11/12/2011 21:04

Hi ladies. Just to let you know that I am still around, reading and digesting your comments. Sorry am not posting much just trying to assimilate it all. Thanks so much for taking the time to let me know your thoughts and opinions - and yes that other post was me. Sad

OP posts:
PiratecatClaus · 11/12/2011 21:36

i remember your thread qt.

So so much more going on here, with regards to his view of himself, your view of him etc... Does he dress up more now, have you discussed the TV side of him. Not an excuse but is he frustrated with being himself, and is just taking it more and more out on you?

all very Sad

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 11/12/2011 21:43

OP your husband sounds like a food-and-weight-obsessed bully

as do many of the posters on this thread

nursenic · 11/12/2011 21:50

Cuddle up to him, stroke his penis and murmur absent mindedly "do penises lose weight/get skinnier when men diet then?"

continue to make comments along those same lines....

Childish I know..Probably won't contribute much towards addressing his behaviour but might provide you with a commentary about how it feels in any future discussion...and a little revenge........(wink)

notmyproblem · 11/12/2011 22:26

Well this thread has taken a massive twist.

DP is a closet transvestite? That's got to be doing his head in a bit. Sounds like he's got some unresolved issues there.

I'm going to guess that those issues of his and this obsession with your weight are at least a bit related. He wants to look at you and see this super thin woman that reflects the way he wants to look when dressed up? His deep-down revulsion for himself for dressing up is transferred to you because you're the closest female in his life?

Is it possible that he's not just a cross-dresser but transgendered and deeply in denial about it?

Grasping at straws here trying to explain it. But regardless of the reason he acts like a twat, there's no excuse for that behaviour.

Yanbu and frankly I think either he needs some counselling or you need to show him the door. Bullying, lack of sex, making you feel uncomfortable, and undermining your confidence by saying he thinks you're unattractive are not great traits in a partner. No matter how great you think he is otherwise, this is not on. You deserve better.

SolidGoldStockingFilla · 11/12/2011 22:32

The thing is, the whole mundane world has stupid issues about food and weight. A MASSIVE proportion of this sort of crap and the sort of behaviour displayed by the OP's H is coming from an idea that women should not be allowed very much food, that women should only be allowed to eat once the men have been fed, and that a woman who eats what she wants, when she wants and enjoys her food is wicked and immoral and selfish. This is why mainstream magazines that feature recipes have so frequently had a box on the side of the recipe going 'Oh, and women, here's how to make your portion less appetizing, less nourishing and smaller'. Because women are supposed to feed everyone else in the house but eat less themselves.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 11/12/2011 22:35

not in my world, it isn't

and my world is as mundane as it comes

allegedly

SolidGoldStockingFilla · 11/12/2011 22:39

AF: this is about the roots of unpleasant and unhealthy behaviour around food. Same as the roots of domestic violence lie in the idea that women are property. There is a great big longstanding 'culture' to the effect that women are not to be allowed as much food as men irrespective of size, weight, amount of physical exertion peformed.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 11/12/2011 22:41

of course there is sgb, I agree with you

but I live in a middle of the road world, and it's not acceptable there either

OP needs to here that, too

nursenic · 11/12/2011 22:41

Underlying message........

Women are taking up far too much space in this World.....

aubergineinautumn · 11/12/2011 22:46

I remember you from last year. I'm so sad that you have wasted another year of your life with this loser creep.

Pack your bags ffs!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 11/12/2011 22:47

hear

Lucyinthepie · 11/12/2011 23:35

Oh Op, I remember your previous thread. You really need to sort this, particularly as you said you were thinking of having children with him. Would you like them to be subjected to this sort of bullying as they got older?

nicknamenotinuse · 12/12/2011 06:37

Your husband sounds horrible. You are lovely. Ignore the twat and NEVER cook for him ever again. Tell the stick thin misery to cook for himself.

nicknamenotinuse · 12/12/2011 06:39

...forgot to say, please get rid of this man. Why would you have someone who is supposed to love you act like this??? I'd be devastated if my daughter was with a so called 'man' like this. You don't need him.

nicknamenotinuse · 12/12/2011 06:42

....and PLEASE can we forget about the amount of egg yolks in the food, THAT IS NOT THE REASON THE OP POSTED!!! The op has not come on here for recipe advice. Bloody hell.

Earthymama · 12/12/2011 06:59

My daughter has just lost her post baby
Weight, we went out shopping and she was trying on clothes. I had a real light bulb moment when I realised that this skinny woman with big boobs in front of me is exactly the same size as I was when my ex-H made me feel like the ugliest woman alive.
He too had lost weight and in his case taken up weightlifting! Our lives were a misery, food and the control of food dominated our lives.
There were lots of other issues too and we split up ages ago but I am so cross and so sad that I let him play those mind games with me.
OP, I haven't read your other thread but please remember that you can't rescue other people or save them unless they want to be part of a change.
Tell the stupid man that EM said breakfast is the most important meal of the day, I would be so nasty if I didn't eat until 3pm.
Blessings x

sitandnatter · 12/12/2011 07:09

It has all been said he is a bully, abusive and just controlling. He is inadequate in himself so trying to put you down to big himself up with no thought to your feelings. I've been there are the emotional rubbish they put you through is harder and longer to recover from that the physical stuff.

If you are still thinking of having children with this man, it won't get better, it can only put more strain on the relationship. God forbid you get a baby belly or have a c-section. Then what?

I'd be considering moving on.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 12/12/2011 07:23

my honest to god advice to you QT would be to get rid of him and find yourself someone you can go ahead and have children with. use a sperm bank if needs be - it will still be miles better than having this man as a father.

he treats you like shit. he clearly has massive issues that he is doing nothing to resolve and in fact is actively using you as a bashing board as his way of coping with them.

what's in this for you?

why stay with someone abusive and seriously fucked up when you could be peaceful and at ease on your own and/or go on to find someone kind and loving to enjoy life and start a healthy family with?

please answer the above questions - ignore the weirdness that was on this thread before but i think we've seen the nutters off Wink and there are enough of us here who 'get it' and have thick enough skins to defend the thread and try to help you. use us. talk to us. think out loud and let's try and work out what's going on. please don't suffer another year like this x

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 12/12/2011 07:24

and the obvious question (just to get it out of the way) does he remind you of anyone else from your past? does the dynamic between you or the way he treats you remind you of something similar in the past? they're important questions because they can help us understand why we find ourselves putting up with and sometimes even feeling 'comfortable' in not good situations.

sitandnatter · 12/12/2011 07:33

Santa it doesn't even have to be as complicated as all that, what a lot of people do is to start off with the emotional abuse, dropping hints that your calves have got bigger, or your gravy too hot, too cold, picking on the small stuff. So you might cook a dinner but get it criticise for one small "error".

You don't feel good but you let it pass it's small stuff, the insults get a little more personal, advising you to use blotch cover or how your skirt is too tight, calves getting fatter, etc. Then the anti gets up and you end up with what is happening to the OP. I've been there.

They rarely start straight in with the abuse or we'd be off at the start, but they wait until they think they've got you where they want you, married, living together, pregnant and they start, chipping away. What then happens is that your confidence and self-esteem gets chipped away, you double question yourself, is it me or is it them? Self doubt creeps in.

Then of course they are sorry, they love you they hug you and do everything that you want them to do, but it starts again and intensifies.

It's known on the net for googling purposes as the cycle of abuse, I've been in the middle of it but couldn't see it from the inside. It was only when I left and researched this stuff, I could personally tick every box on it.

I'm not saying it is the explanation but it is a very common one. Even the strongest of us with the greatest childhoods, good careers etc can get sucked in. Sad