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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is he? Making me feel uncomfortable.

202 replies

QuestionTime · 10/12/2011 17:53

A bit of context - I am 5 foot 3 and weigh about 9 stone 10, dress size 10/12.
Have always struggled with my dh making me feel fat. He has recently lost a lot of weight and if anything this has made it worse. Just things like him moving away from me if I am eating. Or just making little comments about me needing to eat all the time- I like breakfast lunch and dinner, he doesn't tend to eat until 3ish.
Anyway two things happened today. Lying in bed this morning stroking the cat who was lying on my chest. He kept taking pics of me on his phone as cos I was looking down and the camera was pointing up I had a huge double chin and looked minging! Anyway he kept showing me the pics over and over again even when I asked him to stop as it was upsetting me, saying "why, it's just what you look like."
Then I was cooking dinner at 5 and because I had been so busy I literally hadn't eaten anything yet and was starving!! It was just for me, but I cooked quite a lot - a big handful of pasta, a packet of bacon and 5 egg yolks for the carbonara (he didn't want any.)
I wasn't planning on eating all of the bacon anyway, but whilst I was cooking he went on and on incessantly about how much I was cooking. I kept asking him to stop and explaining that I hadn't eaten anything and I was hungry but he wouldn't.
About the zillionth time he ended with "and I bet you scoff a load of chocolates after as well."
At this point I lost pacience and said "oh fuck off" (I immediately apologised for swearing) and he stormed off.
He now says he will never comment on what I eat or cook again, but therefore I can never ask him how I look and he will never buy me any chocolate again.
Aibu or is he?
Thank you

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 10/12/2011 20:35

Serenity, I was a size 10 at 11 stone and 5'6" but no one believed me! I am now a 14 at 13 stone. I am just....heavy!

chocablock · 10/12/2011 20:39

9 stone 10 and 5 ft 3 is not overweight - not skinny perhaps but definitely not overweight from a medical point of view. I am 5 ft 4 and 9 stone 7 and take size 10 too. YA definitely NBU - your dh is just so pleased with his weightloss that he is being horrible to you!! If you were really overweight I could understand him saying something but you're not. I was less than 9 stone before having dd and a size 8 and my dh says I look better now I am 'not so skinny'!! Just ignore your dh and he will hopefully shut up soon!

VickityBoo · 10/12/2011 20:39

I think you're all overly harsh on me but hey, maybe I'm touchy right? Agree it does sound like a spat, unless it's a regular occurrence.

Sorry if I've offended anyone though. I'm just voicing my thoughts out loud.

Serenitysutton · 10/12/2011 20:40

Feeding off eachother wasn't meant to be a bad pun btw

Fair enough, I'm no big expert on what people weigh. It's just I'm quite a bit taller and weigh a lot less but am only a size smaller than that...

whackamole · 10/12/2011 20:46

What an arse. I am overweight, am trying desperately to diet and exercise down, but all OH ever tells me is how he loves me whatever I look like.

I am definitely an 'eyes to big for their belly' type as well - especially with pasta - sadly often my belly will accommodate more than it should!

But that is irrelevant. I'm sure the OPs DH would have been just as scathing had she prepared a bowl of Special K that was larger than it should have been.

WorraLiberty · 10/12/2011 20:54

He is being a nasty twat

He sounds like a smoker who's managed to give up and now he's coughing dramatically and waving his hands in the air in front of other smokers.

Having said that, what you were cooking for dinner sounds enormous even if you haven't eaten all day, but there's no need for him to keep banging on about it.

PlumpDogPillionaire · 10/12/2011 21:01

Possibly irrelevant also, but if you're both going without food until late in the day your blood sugar will be all over the place and you'll both feel like shit: tetchy, irritable, all that.
It's an upside down way to eat as well, as your body then stores all the fat it can to get through the day and your metabolism has slows right down by the time you get the calories. And you eat more than you need.

I don't know if you've posted in Relationships yet. Satan's right, though. You are likely to get replies from posters who'll talk about more relevant stuff than whether size 12 slim or not.

Morloth · 10/12/2011 21:02

The thing is, if he is actually concerned about you and worrying about your weight being unhealthy, there are much gentler and loving ways of saying this.

If you love someone you don't want to hurt them.

SolidGoldStockingFilla · 10/12/2011 21:03

Thing is it's OK to be fat, too. It really is. People's weight is their own business, no one else's, and a chubby person who eats good food and is physically active is often a lot healthier than a skinny person who lives on fags and coffee and an apple a day and doesn't move around much.

Laquitar · 10/12/2011 21:03

He is a bully.

The fact that you don't sound angry (you even apologised!) means that you might be used to him being a bully?

OrmIrian · 10/12/2011 21:06

He is ! Angry

Twat!

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 10/12/2011 21:06

oi! i take that personally sgsf! nothing wrong with living on caffeine and nicotine Grin

OrmIrian · 10/12/2011 21:08

And you are not fat! I have just spent the day with my SILs, one of whom is seriously obese. She needs to be concerned about her weight and the damage it is doing to her health. You do not.

ivykaty44 · 10/12/2011 21:17

what is it that he brings to the relationship?

Insults
taking photos from nasty positions - he knew they where un flatering as they would be of him in that position
putting you down to make himself feel better

not great qualities

flipflop77 · 10/12/2011 21:18

Completely shocked at your husband.

Then totally aghast at others responses regarding the amount of food you prepared/what time you ate it.

TOTALLY IRRELEVANT. If you fancied eating six times that amount at 11pm that is your perogative and your business.

Bloody food Nazis.

Serenitysutton · 10/12/2011 21:19

Oh come on, what did he say that was that bad? Just sounds like a silly husband wife spat.

flipflop77 · 10/12/2011 21:21

None of his business. She is an adult and has fed herself to this age, presumably in a healthy fashion.
Who is he/ anyone else to judge?

Teaandchristmascakeplease · 10/12/2011 21:23

It's not a spat serenity. From the original post this sounds like a long term problem. "Have always struggled with my dh making me feel fat." or "Or just making little comments about me needing to eat all the time" Sad

flipflop77 · 10/12/2011 21:23

Each to their own.
Would not constitute a 'spat' in my eyes or in my house.
Reread the post.
Bullying, manipulative, controlling to me.

SkinnyWhiteBoy · 10/12/2011 21:23

YANBU.
I agree with the comment that he is being a bully.

Bogeyface · 10/12/2011 21:25

Serenity, he has done this several times despite her asking him to stop. That isnt a spat, that is a sustained campaign on insults and fault finding.

There is a difference between a one off row and constant picking at someone.

Serenitysutton · 10/12/2011 21:27

You only have half the story anyway, but my first thought was how defensive and chippy the OP sounded about her weight. When you feel like that you feel conflict everywhere.

flipflop77 · 10/12/2011 21:28

He now says he will never comment on what I eat or cook again, but therefore I can never ask him how I look and he will never buy me any chocolate again.

You make damn sure you hold him to this. Buy yourself chocolate from now on. And make sure you eat and enjoy every bit in front of him.

Really annoyed about this post - your husband and some other poster's attitudes.

Bogeyface · 10/12/2011 21:30

I would feel defensive and chippy if, every time I opened my mouth to eat a sandwich (on a healthy three meals a day diet and not overweight), my "D"H commented on it and told me I was over eating. Especially if he didnt eat proper regular meals and clearly had issues.

The same as if a new teetotaller gave me a hard time whenever I had one glass of wine. One glass of wine does not make a person an alcoholic but constantly being got at about it would make that person defensive.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 10/12/2011 23:06

serenity if this is how your marriage looks then i guess to you it would look like a spat (not saying it is btw). to others who have healthier levels of respect and compassion and basic decency in their relationships than the op sounds to have it wouldn't be a spat. it would be a huge out of character wtf series of events.

i always feel sad when people come on lining up to say oh this is normal because it makes you realise that for a lot of people this clearly IS normal, they actually live their lives like this in their own homes Sad