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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

....to ask DP to do the night feed while I'm expressing?

284 replies

MixedBerries · 08/12/2011 10:08

DS is nearly 8 weeks old and usually sleeps from 10 until 3 or 4 when he wakes up for a feed. He then goes back to sleep until 7 or 7.30 when we all get up. Due to complications with tongue tie, DS still finds it hard to feed on the boob (it takes a v v v looong time) so his last feed at night and his night feed are EBM in a bottle. This is where the problem lies...

I have to get up in the night at least once to express milk. For the last week I have cut it down to just before I sleep at 10 and then expressing at 3 or 4 while DP is feeding DS by bottle. This was working fine but today DP has said he 'll have to stop doing the night feed as he's too knackered at work.

Now then, I'm a SAHM for now and DP does have a physically demanding job and is self employed. So is it unreasonable to ask him to be up for 30 minutes in the night? He doesn't prepare the bottle. I go downstairs to warm it and bring it up for him then go back down to do my boobs.

Also, what pisses me off most, is that I go to bed at 10 when DS does. DP stays up until about midnight. I pointed out he may be less knackered at work if he went to bed earlier but he said if he does, he doesn't have a life. Like mine is so exciting sat on the sofa with a baby hanging off my boob all day!

If DP does stop doing the night feed, I'll be up doing the feed and then expressing, which will be well over an hour after which I find it impossible to get back to sleep. And I can't nap in the day as DS only naps in 15 minute stints.

AIBU? Any other solutions?

OP posts:
GlueSticksEverywhere · 09/12/2011 10:28

Grumpla I'd be interested to know how many of the YABU crew have had to express in the night...I think anyone who has actually been in the OP's position knows how fucking horrible it is. A million miles away from a snuggly bf or a nice efficient bottle in the night.

Me too! Doubt they will answer that question though. They prefer to judge.

BluddyMoFo I just think if you are determined to be a martyr to breastfeeding why do you have to take anyone else down with you?

Yeah wanting to give her dc breast milk is so unreasonable! Hmm Asking her partner to go to bed 30 mins earlier so that he can help her out in the night for a paltry 30 mins is so unreasonable Hmm

GlueSticksEverywhere · 09/12/2011 10:33

TruthSweet I agree massively! My DH is of the same frame of mind as yours.

I would of actually thought the OPs DH would want to do that night feed, seeing as it's the only time he gets to feed his own child. Once the tongue tie is sorted he probably won't be able to feed the baby again for some time. It's a good opportunity for bonding and he should make the most of it.

kiki22 · 09/12/2011 10:44

^Grumpla I'd be interested to know how many of the YABU crew have had to express in the night...I think anyone who has actually been in the OP's position knows how fucking horrible it is. A million miles away from a snuggly bf or a nice efficient bottle in the night.

Me too! Doubt they will answer that question though. They prefer to judge.^

i'll answer for you i wouldn't put myself my DP or baby through what sounds like a massive ordeal making everyone tired and grumpy for the sake a BF she could do a FF and everyone would be happy one FF at night won't kill the child or do any damage.

WorraLiberty · 09/12/2011 10:47

I wouldn't put myself in that position if it was causing so much misery. I'd express in the day or FF at night.

Hope this answers your question.

GlueSticksEverywhere · 09/12/2011 10:47

kiki22 i'll answer for you i wouldn't put myself my DP or baby through what sounds like a massive ordeal making everyone tired and grumpy for the sake a BF she could do a FF and everyone would be happy one FF at night won't kill the child or do any damage.

Neither will her DH being up for 30 mins!

I would imagine that the OP and her DH made the joint decision to BF the baby, so he should play his part. Is 30mins REALLY that much to ask a father to do for his child? Really?!?!?!

GlueSticksEverywhere · 09/12/2011 10:48

WorraLiberty Yes it is completely "miserable" giving 30 mins of your time to your 8 week old baby Hmm

diddl · 09/12/2011 10:49

I had to express in the night-one of mine wouldn´t suck properly so I was expressing & cup feeding.

PFB also-like many was for a while bfeeding every two hrs morning & night.

TruthSweet · 09/12/2011 10:50

Glue - DH wanted to be involved in every aspect DD1's care* and he did all the bottlefeeds when he was home from work including the every 2 hours overnight feeds she needed to clear the jaundice/pick her weight up.

He helped me express by staying with me in the evenings and entertaining me to take my mind of things, getting the pumps ready, doing dinner (usually a ready meal/pasta but cooking is not his forte!), cutting up dinner so I could eat it one handed, spending as much money as I needed to get pumping bras/hired pumps/fenugreek (because as far as he was concerned there wasn't a limit to the amount of money he would spend to get bfing going), put up with me whinging about how much I wanted to bf DD1 and how much I hated pumping AND did all the pooey nappies (we did cloth so he had to wash them out by hand before they went in the machine as I didn't have time during the day).

I may need to have him sainted or cloned Wink

I honestly don't know how he did it - he was on his knees with tiredness for most of DD1's first year and he still wanted more babies (he doesn't now Grin).

*and DD2 & DD3's care too but they didn't need as much from either of us as they bf moderately easily. Though DH did track down and studied Jack Newman's videos online at 3am so he could teach me how to latch on DD2 as the MWs didn't help me at all as I was 'still' bfing DD1 when DD2 was born so I would obviously know what to do (DD1 only fed a couple of times before the jaundice over took her and she became impossible to bfeed so I had not really bf a newborn before).

TheSecondComing · 09/12/2011 10:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheSecondComing · 09/12/2011 10:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 09/12/2011 10:59

WorraLiberty Yes it is completely "miserable" giving 30 mins of your time to your 8 week old baby

I wasn't talking about the 30 mins causing misery as you well know.

I was talking about the entire situation and how it can be avoided

But carry on twisting people's words, it may be the only way you'll get your point across.

NinkyNonker · 09/12/2011 11:01

Tbh, their night only sounds like such a trauma if she has to do it all herself. If they were working as a team then it would all be done and dusted quickly.

I genuinely thought in this day and age men like my DH, I.e. equal parents were the norm...this thread has really brought it home that sadly this isn't the case! Sorry to see that this is also reinforced by women who insist it is totally unreasonable for a man to, heaven forbid, give up 30 mins of sleep to see to his child and support his wife.

GlueSticksEverywhere · 09/12/2011 11:02

TruthSweet Though DH did track down and studied Jack Newman's videos online at 3am so he could teach me how to latch on DD2 as the MWs didn't help me at all as I was 'still' bfing DD1 when DD2 was born so I would obviously know what to do (DD1 only fed a couple of times before the jaundice over took her and she became impossible to bfeed so I had not really bf a newborn before).

Did he learn anything helpful? I had latching problems and even with help from midwives etc couldn't get it to happen.

GlueSticksEverywhere · 09/12/2011 11:03

TheSecondComing it's causing her megastress and damaging her marriage

Yes to ask the father of your child to help you for 30 mins a day is incredibly damaging to marriages Hmm

TruthSweet · 09/12/2011 11:04

But if MixedBerries wants to continue to be able to bf her baby during the day she will need to express/bf at least once overnight in order to maintain her supply (going 10-7 or when ever baby wakes for the day is a long time without removing milk).

8 weeks is early days and if bfing went off to a rocky start (tongue tie can mean there isn't enough milk removed to keep lactation ticking over) keeping removing milk 24 hours a day will keep bfing going (which is what the parents have discussed and decided upon).

Expressing once a night isn't a massive deal (in the sense that she could be doing it 2, 3, or 4 times in the night which would be even more stressful) but if she is not getting what she needs to keep going from her OH then it's not bfing's fault - it's his.

If her OH & her had decided on formula feeding and he then decided to leave all feeds to her that's not on either. Two people have made this decision but only one gets to do the work? Not on at all.

GlueSticksEverywhere · 09/12/2011 11:04

*WorraLiberty Yes it is completely "miserable" giving 30 mins of your time to your 8 week old baby

I wasn't talking about the 30 mins causing misery as you well know.

I know nothing of the sort. I read your messages and that's what they said!

GlueSticksEverywhere · 09/12/2011 11:05

I genuinely thought in this day and age men like my DH, I.e. equal parents were the norm...this thread has really brought it home that sadly this isn't the case! Sorry to see that this is also reinforced by women who insist it is totally unreasonable for a man to, heaven forbid, give up 30 mins of sleep to see to his child and support his wife.

Shocker isn't it! There are a lot of old fashioned women on this thread! Shock

GlueSticksEverywhere · 09/12/2011 11:08

TruthSweet but if she is not getting what she needs to keep going from her OH then it's not bfing's fault - it's his.

Ah but the stepford wives on here believe that a man should never be inconvenienced! Wink

TruthSweet · 09/12/2011 11:10

Glue - DH watched these and taught me how to do it. Good drinking and Really good drinking are the business!

GlueSticksEverywhere · 09/12/2011 11:14

TruthSweet Thanks. The look helpful but my problem were a bit too complicated for those to help. Sad

SardineQueen · 09/12/2011 11:18

midnight is really late to be going to bed on a worknight, I'm not surprised your DH is tired.

Also always amazed at the idea that jobs are so so hard that a person can't ever be up in the night ever, or there will be dire consequences. Every job I have had and every person I have known has had v late nights on a worknight over the years. It is not the case that as soon as a person gets gainful employment they get 8 hours uninterrupted night for the rest of their working life otherwise they are sacked / there is some kind of catastrophe.

OP I think what you are doing sounds really hard and yes of course he should be doing the 1/2 hour feed in the night while you do the expressing.

There are some mind-boggling comments on this thread. One I particularly liked earlier: "Practically speaking, why not just get into it? those wee hours with your baby are ones that build the bond between you. These times are special and much much sweeter than stupid old sleep. hth." Um yes, being awake in the middle of the night every night for possibly hours is such larks and if the OP doesn't put up and shut up and even more than that actively enjoy it then it means she's not bonded with her baby properly. What a load of old shit. Most women I know waking up with a crying baby wanting feeding feel anything but special, they feel rotten knackered and pissed off. "hth" indeed.

TruthSweet · 09/12/2011 11:18

Personally I think DH would have wept tears of joy if he only had to get up 30mins a night when DD1 was little. Even after we cracked bfing and stopped the bottles/expressing he still got up with me while I bf to keep me company (if he slept through Dd1 waking I didn't wake him up on purpose!).

My brother who was born in 1978 from the age of approx 2m to 22m only slept from 5am-8am with catnaps in the day. My dad worked and my mum was a sahm but my dad stayed up with my mum and brother, and while she was bfing (until he was 5m) got my mum a snack and a cup of tea every time she fed. That was in 1978 so I would have hope things wouldn't have gone backwards since then....

SardineQueen · 09/12/2011 11:21

My dad got up in the night with us too (he had a v responsible job) and my DH did loads with our children (he is driving all day so can't be too worn out). I am always amazed when this is not the norm. Why would one partner even want to look on and watch their partner get more and more exhausted and miserable and not do anything to help? I don't get it. Exhaustion and little support = risk of PND which is clearly not desirable.

WorraLiberty · 09/12/2011 11:25

I know nothing of the sort. I read your messages and that's what they said!

No they didn't. Perhaps you need to slow down, read and digest while you're getting your knickers in such a knot and taking over this thread.

TruthSweet · 09/12/2011 11:29

Glue - I'm sorry they weren't helpful. I'm a bfing research nerd (well someone has got to be!) so if you would like me to have a hunt to see if I can find anything helpful to your situation I'd be happy too - just PM me.

I also have access to a lactation supporters email group that has a load of IBCLCs/BFCs on, if you'd like me to post?