....to ask DP to do the night feed while I'm expressing?

[MixedBerries]

DS is nearly 8 weeks old and usually sleeps from 10 until 3 or 4 when he wakes up for a feed. He then goes back to sleep until 7 or 7.30 when we all get up. Due to complications with tongue tie, DS still finds it hard to feed on the boob (it takes a v v v looong time) so his last feed at night and his night feed are EBM in a bottle. This is where the problem lies...

I have to get up in the night at least once to express milk. For the last week I have cut it down to just before I sleep at 10 and then expressing at 3 or 4 while DP is feeding DS by bottle. This was working fine but today DP has said he 'll have to stop doing the night feed as he's too knackered at work.

Now then, I'm a SAHM for now and DP does have a physically demanding job and is self employed. So is it unreasonable to ask him to be up for 30 minutes in the night? He doesn't prepare the bottle. I go downstairs to warm it and bring it up for him then go back down to do my boobs.

Also, what pisses me off most, is that I go to bed at 10 when DS does. DP stays up until about midnight. I pointed out he may be less knackered at work if he went to bed earlier but he said if he does, he doesn't have a life. Like mine is so exciting sat on the sofa with a baby hanging off my boob all day!

If DP does stop doing the night feed, I'll be up doing the feed and then expressing, which will be well over an hour after which I find it impossible to get back to sleep. And I can't nap in the day as DS only naps in 15 minute stints.

AIBU? Any other solutions?

Regardless of the specifics, the OP is persevering with BF despite significant problems, and surely that is to be commended?

The very least she ought to expect is some support, both practical and moral, from her husband and father of her child.

She might also reasonably expect a little sympathy from a forum full of Mums, most of whom must know how lonely those middle-of-the-night wakings are, especially with your first where you don't have a fucking clue what you are doing.

"She might also reasonably expect a little sympathy from a forum full of Mums, most of whom must know how lonely those middle-of-the-night wakings are, especially with your first where you don't have a fucking clue what you are doing."

How stressful do you all think it is for both parents having your first child hospitalised more than once in the first 8 weeks of their life? They have been coping with a lot. OP has been in physical pain until quite recently. The baby has had 2 surgical procedures, which although minor, can be worrying for parents, and the second involved a v long car journed with a young baby too. OPs DH is also working in a physical job. They must both be very strong and it sounds like OP's DH has been v supportive, including at night until v recently something has changed for him.

YANBU. 30 mins out of a whole nights sleep isn't unreasonable especially if he could go to sleep earlier.

I expressed 12 times a day/2 hrly for weeks with a double hospital grade pump. DH got up for each expressing, sorted out the milk for DD1 (heated up ebm or made up formula depending on supplies) and fed her whilst I pumped then took the pumps/bottles downstairs and washed/sterilised them and then brought the pumps back up before going back to bed. I merely had to pump then settle DD1 in her cot (next to the bed).

He worked full time in a pretty demanding job and had got to the point of dissolving pro-plus tablets in red bull to stay awake at work but he was so committed to making bfing work for DD1 that he did it with out complaint.

Luckily DD1 was ebf from 8 wks on but had reflux and screamed a lot so DH still spent a lot of time up in the night helping me to settle DD1 (or pacing the floor with her so I could grab a few minutes sleep). I couldn't sleep in the day as she fed for 1hr 45mins every 2 hrs some days and couldn't feed lying down with out vomiting profusely so even if I could sleep next to her I usually got coated in puke...

I should say we now know you do not need to sterilise pumps each time you use them and that ebm will keep out of the fridge so life would have been a lot less sleep deprived if we knew then what we know now.

"most of whom must know how lonely those middle-of-the-night wakings are, "

But that´s the thing also-OP is expressing downstairs while her husband is feeding baby elsewhere?

I bfed in bed & although husband slept through most of it he was there.

I don't really see the logic of expressing while DH is giving a bottle. If he takes a long time to feed then can you feed him in bed while you doze? That's what I did with DD2. I think if you post on the BF page you will get lots of helpful advice about the tongue tie.

However I do think YABU to expect him to get up in the night on work nights, sorry. I always did the night feeds with both DDs. It does't make sense for both parents to be knackered.

DH did do all the housework and cooking in the early days though as his part of the bargain!

I don't really see the logic of expressing while DH is giving a bottle. If he takes a long time to feed then can you feed him in bed while you doze? That's what I did with DD2. I think if you post on the BF page you will get lots of helpful advice about the tongue tie.

However I do think YABU to expect him to get up in the night on work nights, sorry. I always did the night feeds with both DDs. It does't make sense for both parents to be knackered.

DH did do all the housework and cooking in the early days though as his part of the bargain!

I have a friend who was in a similar position to OP. She tried bf in bed whilst her DP slept next to her, but even though she didn't mind him sleeping and didn't need him awake, she found it soul-destroying listening to him snore gently whilst she was sat up in bed (because she souldn't feed lying down). It had the exact opposite effect to you diddl.

Another friend had to breastfeed sitting in a specific chair.

There are lots of potential reasons why the OP might be doing what she is doing.

cheese mums with v serious bf problems often cannot feed lying down at this stage (actually some without probs can't either!). It might be simple for some, but everyone's experience is different . The logic of expressing is that for this mum it that is vastly quicker than breastfeeding and enables her to get more milk into her baby. No-one sets out to make life as difficult as possible for themselves.

entropy yes it might be a source of extra stress for OP. Some people have issue with porn. I don't see the point of telling OP that her dh watches porn.

I would imagine that the OP isnt any where near daft enough to think that that is what I was doing.....

OP-do you bfeed all day-if so, might it be worth giving some ebm in the day to cut down on feeding time/get more milk into him?

Might that help him sleep in the day?

(Sorry if you´ve thought of this or been advised against it)

He should go to bed at a reasonable time instead of bitching about being up in the night for 30 whole minutes.

Who the fuck stays up until midnight when they have an 8 week old (who's asleep from 10pm)? Has it never occured to him tha that might be making him tired????

I can understand why the OP prefers to express rather than BF at night, if the BF is taking 2-3hours during the day...i.e non-stop. I bet she can't feed laying down yet with all the issues she has at the moment (even me, who had no issues at all feeding DD, only mastered the laying down feeding after 3 months, had trouble postitioning her like that when she was tiny, so was sat up feeding her till then, luckily her feeds were only 20mins long). Are people suggesting she sit up feeding for 2-3hours at a time at night???

Like Truthsweets DH, mine also settled DS after the feed by walking around the room, went downstairs to get the pumping equipment and even brought up snacks for me.

Both of us went to bed early.

I'd be interested to know how many of the YABU crew have had to express in the night...

I think anyone who has actually been in the OP's position knows how fucking horrible it is. A million miles away from a snuggly bf or a nice efficient bottle in the night.

Hope you got my PM OP I sent it from my phone so not sure whether it actually worked.

Have another YANBU for good measure!

i get he has a demanding job but doing his bit isn't going to hurt him if he can stay up half the night why cant he help do a feed.

KD0706 Your post of 17:46:55 hits the nail on the head for me.

I agree with bluddy

TruthSweet I wish I had known that about the pumps as well!

I used to spend my time feeding EBF, then clearing up all the sick on me, baby furniture, floor, walls etc, settling a baby in pain back to sleep and then expressing frantically before baby woke up again or vomited all over themselves in their sleep. I literally didn't have a minute to pee for months. Without my DH's help with the night feeds I would not have coped at all. In fact when I had DC2 and they had similar difficulties I had to just give in and formula feed after a week as I couldn't go through it all again (saying that DC1 was actually still vomiting so I had 2 vomiters at once!). Reading some of the messages of sympathy and support for the OP and the difficult time she is having makes me quite sad as we had no support whatsoever Sometimes I just think I was a very crap mum but when I read others confirming that a situation like this IS actually difficult, I feel quite sad that no one in realy life was there to offer any help at all. I did ask! They said no.

cheeseandmarmitesandwich However I do think YABU to expect him to get up in the night on work nights, sorry. I always did the night feeds with both DDs. It does't make sense for both parents to be knackered.

But does it make sense for one parent to be knackered to the point they can't even see straight yet the other has just as much sleep and so as much energy as they did pre-baby? Doesn't it make more sense for both to just be a little bit tired rather then one completely exhausted risking PND and the other completely fine and skipping to work?

MoTeaVate I have a friend who was in a similar position to OP. She tried bf in bed whilst her DP slept next to her, but even though she didn't mind him sleeping and didn't need him awake, she found it soul-destroying listening to him snore gently whilst she was sat up in bed (because she souldn't feed lying down). It had the exact opposite effect to you diddl.

I can relate to that!

diddl "most of whom must know how lonely those middle-of-the-night wakings are," But that´s the thing also-OP is expressing downstairs while her husband is feeding baby elsewhere?

I bfed in bed & although husband slept through most of it he was there.

Even if they only speak for a minute while the OP hands over the milk it's reassuring and comforting to know that the support is there and to make some adult contact during that lonely time at night. Much better, comforting and more company than someone laying snoring next to you!

Absolutely agree with MoFo too!

TheSecondComing I haven't accused anyone of being a crap parent? I've said babies wake up- 8 week old babies wake up usually more than once a night.

Really? You said this . . .

you might need to get your head round this whole parenting crack a bit more . . .

how else is the OP supposed to take that!

I spoke to DH last night about this. He was horrified that getting up for 30mins a night was seen as a hardship for the OH but absolutely fine for the mum to be up for 2-3 hours or for her to bottle feed & express while OH slept.

He feels that both of us had our babies so both of us had to muck in while we were both at home. He is an amazing dad though and has always stepped up and done as much as he could with the children (we have 3 DDs with 3.7y between oldest and youngest - they are 5.9, 4.0 & 2.2 now).

He's been a bit run down recently with minor ailments so I took the DDs out for the day last weekend so he could rest. DH came to pick us up (we had gone out on the train to the next town over) and he had spent his time doing 3 loads of laundry and the dishes (I had had trouble catching up as had been very busy with school events and my volunteering) and playing with the cat as he didn't feel he could just sit around while I had the DDs.

DH & I both know how expressing can be soul destroying at times (depending on how much you are producing or need to producing - it can seem like an exercise in futility) and he feels mothers expressing because of bfing problems/issues do need supporting and extra care.

Struggling with bfing, lack of support and lack of sleep are some of the biggest contributing factors to developing PND (that is not to say I have ANY indication that the OP is in any way showing signs of PND and I'm not trying to tell her she does).

Support can make a huge difference to how a woman copes and adapts to her new role as mother especially when things aren't going to plan. The OP says her and her OH have decided on this course of action (bfing directly in the day and expressing at night to bottle feed ebm) adding extra work on top of the expressing is not on.

I really hope MixedBerries that you are able to find a solution to this and that you find peace with how things are going with DS.