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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

....to ask DP to do the night feed while I'm expressing?

284 replies

MixedBerries · 08/12/2011 10:08

DS is nearly 8 weeks old and usually sleeps from 10 until 3 or 4 when he wakes up for a feed. He then goes back to sleep until 7 or 7.30 when we all get up. Due to complications with tongue tie, DS still finds it hard to feed on the boob (it takes a v v v looong time) so his last feed at night and his night feed are EBM in a bottle. This is where the problem lies...

I have to get up in the night at least once to express milk. For the last week I have cut it down to just before I sleep at 10 and then expressing at 3 or 4 while DP is feeding DS by bottle. This was working fine but today DP has said he 'll have to stop doing the night feed as he's too knackered at work.

Now then, I'm a SAHM for now and DP does have a physically demanding job and is self employed. So is it unreasonable to ask him to be up for 30 minutes in the night? He doesn't prepare the bottle. I go downstairs to warm it and bring it up for him then go back down to do my boobs.

Also, what pisses me off most, is that I go to bed at 10 when DS does. DP stays up until about midnight. I pointed out he may be less knackered at work if he went to bed earlier but he said if he does, he doesn't have a life. Like mine is so exciting sat on the sofa with a baby hanging off my boob all day!

If DP does stop doing the night feed, I'll be up doing the feed and then expressing, which will be well over an hour after which I find it impossible to get back to sleep. And I can't nap in the day as DS only naps in 15 minute stints.

AIBU? Any other solutions?

OP posts:
entropyglitter · 08/12/2011 16:38

Definitely agree with working as a team....whoever is looking the most shattered gets let off the extra 30 mins duty...although it doesnt count if you make yourself shattered by staying up late trying to recapture your lost youth.....

Tigresswoods · 08/12/2011 16:39

Wow imagine a post being exaggerated & misunderstood!

Clearly I'm not saying the DH does nothing However I don't know what the point is of both parties being knackered. Maybe I'm just more aware of others' feelings.

Go!

101North · 08/12/2011 16:40

entropy of course, these days i can't get him out of bed! Its a case of understanding that 'This Too Shall Pass' when they are but babies. and diet coke and coffee Xmas Wink

diddl · 08/12/2011 16:40

I do agree that if he is staying up for the sake of it then that is ridiculous.

Suggest he goes up half an hour earlier to make up for the half hr he is awakeGrin

NinkyNonker · 08/12/2011 16:45

I'm perfectly aware of others' feelings. Luckily, so is DH.

If the DH in this scenario went to bed at a reasonable hour, say 10pm that would make up for any lost sleep feeding the baby. 2hrs earlier to sleep, maybe lose say 1 hr max to feed... How is that in anyway unreasonable?

Tigresswoods · 08/12/2011 16:46

Ok I agree if he's just staying up doing pointless stuff that OP has a point.

choceyes · 08/12/2011 16:47

we had this same situation with DS. He didn't latch on and I expressed for him exclusively. In the first few months I had to express at night. You have to express at night, especially, as that's when you stimulate yor supply the most. DH fed DS at night most times. I expressed. DH never complained. And he cycled to work everyday and had a demanding job as a teacher. Reading this thread, I feel very very lucky that my DH was so supportive.

YANBU OP. Tell your Dh to go to bed ealier.

TwoPlates · 08/12/2011 16:50

entropy did you have to type 'surfing for porn'? Are you trying to add more stress for OP? Does any man who stays up past 10 p.m. watches porn? A little bit ironic from someone who was fighting sexism earlier.

GlueSticksEverywhere · 08/12/2011 16:55

TheSecondComing you might need to get your head round this whole parenting crack a bit more . . .

Wow to suggest that the OP is crap at parenting for having a difficult time and being in need of 30mins help from her DH once a day is rather shocking!

valiumredhead No way could dh have done his job safely if he had been up in the night, even if it was only for 30 mins . . .

Why are you assuming that the OPs DH has a job as dangerous as your DHs. You also have assumed that all babies sleep as much as the one's you have been familiar with. You do realise that not everyone lives a carbon copy of your life don't you Hmm

NinkyNonker · 08/12/2011 16:58

30 mins sleep out of 8 hrs, I really can't see it making that much difference. Thank god for my DH.

choceyes · 08/12/2011 16:59

exactly ninkynonker. I feel so blessed and thankful for my DH now. I thought all DH's woke up to tend to night wakings, but reading these threads I have realised this is not so.

valiumredhead · 08/12/2011 17:24

Why are you assuming that the OPs DH has a job as dangerous as your DHs. You also have assumed that all babies sleep as much as the one's you have been familiar with. You do realise that not everyone lives a carbon copy of your life don't you

I am not assuming anything glue, I merely posted what I did.

I have not assumed that all babies are the same as the ones I have looked after - I said I had never looked after any that didn't sleep at all in the day.

Yes I do realise that everyone is different

Bartimaeus · 08/12/2011 17:27

I think YANBU to want more help from your DH. DS is nearly 11 weeks and ebf and generally a good sleeper. But the occasional nights and days when he barely sleeps are sooooo hard and I really needed moral support from DH, and it sounds like that is what you're missing atm.

I do the night wakings by myself cos DH works. I have woken him twice though- once when DS wee'd everywhere - it was the last straw and I just broke down in tears from tiredness and needed DH to clean him up whilst I cleaned myself up and once when DS just would not sleep and I was just lying in bed with him attached to me crying my eyes out. I figured DH should know how hard it was right at that moment and he just held me which made it easier.

I find the days when DS doesn't sleep so exhausting - those are the days that DS gets thrust into DH's arms the second he walks through the door! I think you're doing amazingly well to have survived 8 weeks with your Dc barely sleeping during the day.

As for not having a life - well, your life has totally changed so why shouldn't his? It's only temporary. DH used to do sport 6 times a week. I used to do it 4 times. Now I never do it and he goes twice a week. I know he would love to go more but he knows that I'd blow one if he suggested it! When DS is older we can get back into our sport, it's just a break.

diddl · 08/12/2011 17:28

Well, this is the thing-we can only go by our own experiences.

Part of me thinks he´s lucky that it´s just half an hour-but for me that half an hr at 3-4 am would mean i might as well then get up.

KD0706 · 08/12/2011 17:46

I think the other part of this is that (in my experience) expressing in the middle of the night is soul destroying. So DH doing a feed is not only practical help but also a bit of emotional support, OP knowing she's not in it alone.

He gets the good end of the deal, a snuggly feed with a teeny baby. OP gets to attach herself to a honking machine which (if she's anything like me) makes her feel like a cow.

NinkyNonker · 08/12/2011 17:47

That's why DH tends to do a lot at that sort of time...I am an awful sleeper and take ages to drop off, whereas DH is snoring within seconds of his head hitting the pillow.

Babieseverywhere · 08/12/2011 17:47

I do think as the SAHM you should do all the night feeds during the week. No one wants their DH to be suffering tiredness completing a 'physically demanding job' or like in our case a very long daily commute via motorway.

However regarding the problem of night feeds and you getting more rest, I have a couple of suggestions.

  1. Consider renting a proper double electric breast pump. Contact your local NCT branch (via NCT website) or local maternity ward, both should rent pumps by the week. A proper electric pump can often (but not always) get more milk faster than even a home electric pump plus doing both sides at once will halve the time needed to express IYSWIM. If you get an old bra and cut holes in the cups to keep the pump horns on your breasts without holding them, you can pump hands free too. So you can read watch TV whilst pumping. Much more time efficient. :)
  1. Consider doing the pumping session during the day alongside some breastfeeding and doing 100% breastfeeding at night.
  1. Lastly consider cosleeping at night. This would allow you to get rest or sleep whilst baby was nursing and it wouldn't matter if he took ages to get the milk, it would mean more stimulation for your breasts (assuming he has a reasonable latch and this is comfortable for you.)

HTH

MoTeaVate · 08/12/2011 17:51

Babieseverywhere -you need to read the thread. OP's bf problems make suggestions 2 and 3 impossible for her Sad. I expect she already has a proper double pump, the amount of expressing she is describing...

Babieseverywhere · 08/12/2011 17:59

MoTeaVate, I might of read it wrong but I did read all the OP's posts. Happy to be corrected if I misunderstand. :)

I understand OP only express for two feeds a day. The evening and night feeds. The rest of the baby's feeds are direct breast feeds which take a long time but have reasonable milk transfer. (I assume this else she would be expressing exclusively and bottle feeding all feeds)

If she was exclusively pumping it would be essential for a night pumping sessions due to nursing hormones being stronger at night etc. But if she can replace the night pumping session with a direct breastfeed, she would still be giving her breasts the stimulation needed to 'order in' more milk for the next feed.

entropyglitter · 08/12/2011 18:05

twoplates I am not being sexist! You are being sexist in assuming that I would assume only men look at porn...I was simple doing the other MN sin of projecting....watching porn is what I personally would be doing if I were to be up for two hours instead of getting much needed sleep....

I also dont get why watching porn is a source of stress? Its just people having sex in general?

NinkyNonker · 08/12/2011 18:10

If the DH just went to bed at a sensible hour all this could be avoided..

TheSecondComing · 08/12/2011 18:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoupDragon · 08/12/2011 18:23

YABU to expect DH to work and get up in the night during the week.
YANBU to suggest he should go to bed earlier.

MoTeaVate · 08/12/2011 18:35

Perhaps I misread, OP said feeds were v difficult because of jaw and tongue issues following 2 tongue tie tdivisions and that breastfeeding directly at night would take her 2-3hrs. If that's the case, it seems unlikely lying down would be an option for her at the moment, or that the specialist she's seeing wouldn't have suggested it. 2-3hrs for a feed does not suggest effective milk transfer, and neither does the fact that she is topping up with expressed milk on medical advice because of slow weight gain and being unable to get enough milk in by boob alone (see her second post). Baby was hospitalised because of serious weight gain issues.

MoTeaVate · 08/12/2011 18:39

TSC -I can't speak for the OP. However, mums I've encountered in this sort of situation often find bf at night more difficult than during the day. Let's face it everything is harder at night. Also, if during the day each feed is a monumental time-consuming effort involving careful positioning and possibly re-positioning that leads to feeding taking virtually ALL day because milk transfer is less than optimal, then sometimes mums just don't have any energy left to do it half the night as well. Given that she has to top up because of the weight gain anyway, it's fairly straightforward to guess why she might have chosen the 3-4am feed.