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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

....to ask DP to do the night feed while I'm expressing?

284 replies

MixedBerries · 08/12/2011 10:08

DS is nearly 8 weeks old and usually sleeps from 10 until 3 or 4 when he wakes up for a feed. He then goes back to sleep until 7 or 7.30 when we all get up. Due to complications with tongue tie, DS still finds it hard to feed on the boob (it takes a v v v looong time) so his last feed at night and his night feed are EBM in a bottle. This is where the problem lies...

I have to get up in the night at least once to express milk. For the last week I have cut it down to just before I sleep at 10 and then expressing at 3 or 4 while DP is feeding DS by bottle. This was working fine but today DP has said he 'll have to stop doing the night feed as he's too knackered at work.

Now then, I'm a SAHM for now and DP does have a physically demanding job and is self employed. So is it unreasonable to ask him to be up for 30 minutes in the night? He doesn't prepare the bottle. I go downstairs to warm it and bring it up for him then go back down to do my boobs.

Also, what pisses me off most, is that I go to bed at 10 when DS does. DP stays up until about midnight. I pointed out he may be less knackered at work if he went to bed earlier but he said if he does, he doesn't have a life. Like mine is so exciting sat on the sofa with a baby hanging off my boob all day!

If DP does stop doing the night feed, I'll be up doing the feed and then expressing, which will be well over an hour after which I find it impossible to get back to sleep. And I can't nap in the day as DS only naps in 15 minute stints.

AIBU? Any other solutions?

OP posts:
GlueSticksEverywhere · 09/12/2011 11:34

WorraLiberty How else can "I wouldn't put myself in that position if it was causing so much misery" be taken? Poor miserable DH staying up til midnight and then be up for 30mins with his baby! If there is any misery he's caused it himself.

BTW I don't think expressing an opinion which just so happens to be different to yours is the same as "taking over a thread". Disagreeing with you is what you meant to say i believe. How dare I!?!

Babieseverywhere · 09/12/2011 11:42

I'd be interested to know how many of the YABU crew have had to express in the night...I think anyone who has actually been in the OP's position knows how fucking horrible it is.

I had to express through the night for a couple of weeks. In my case I was forceable separated from my DD1 (4 months and 6 months old at the time) I was an medical emergency (twice in as many months) and admitted to hospital and they banned me from having my newborn baby with me. Through they turned a blind eye to her 'visiting' all day with various adults. She feed direct all day but had to go home with DH or DM without me. :(

At night I would sit with her photo and sniffing a blanket she slept in, crying all night I missed her so much. Trying to get the stupid electric home pump (single not a double) working when I was struggling to get a letdown and missed my daughter so much. I was in a lot of pain on a permanent drip (no food intake at all during either admission) I really struggled but I managed to keep her in milk both weeks I was admitted.

So yes, I think OP is being unreasonable AND I know how 'fucking horrible' it can be to pump alone at night. Hence the suggestions I posted upstream of things which might improve things for OP.

Deliaskis · 09/12/2011 11:48

I'm with GlueSticks truthSweet Ninky & Sardine I think the OH is being U expecting his full 8 hours of unbroken beauty sleep every night when they have an 8 week old baby, and I think he is being U to prioritise a bit of late night TV over supporting his DW in trying to keep BFing going for their baby. Expecting his DW to be up for 2-3 hours because he can't be ar$ed to go to bed a bit earlier so he can be up for 30 minutes is pretty apalling actually. They're supposed to be a team.

D (also thanking lucky stars for my DH)

WorraLiberty · 09/12/2011 11:49

Disagreeing with you is what you meant to say i believe. How dare I!?!

There you go again...making it up as you go along instead of reading and digesting what's actually being said.

I said 'what I meant to say' and that was that you are taking over the thread.

HTH

buttonmoon78 · 09/12/2011 11:52

Grumpla Fri 09-Dec-11 08:37:27
I'd be interested to know how many of the YABU crew have had to express in the night...

Um, that'd be me then.

I think anyone who has actually been in the OP's position knows how fucking horrible it is. A million miles away from a snuggly bf or a nice efficient bottle in the night.

Bottles are not efficient - they're a damn nuisance. After several weeks of trying, expressing etc I swapped to ff. I can assure you that there is very little that is nice or efficient about bottles in the middle of the night or otherwise.

SardineQueen I might have missed it, but I'm not sure we know exactly what the OP's OH does? My DH has to drive a lot. Having had an accident where I fell asleep at the wheel (I think), I would never risk driving tired again (which limits my social life a lot - but that's my choice) and as he has to for his work, to pay our bills, he has no option other than to drive. Therefore I won't put him in the same position I put myself in - I was incredibly lucky, but who knows what might happen another time?

Equally, what if someone's OH was a surgeon? Sorry, but I'd rather he hadn't been up in the night. There are all sorts of jobs where being tired can have catastrophic consequences.

Having said all that, I hope the OP has convinced her OH to go to bed earlier. After all, that would be a reasonable compromise. As I said before, if he's still ultra tired after that then they can rethink.

Laquitar · 09/12/2011 11:52

Imo the no1 rule in parenting is Be Practical. Parenting is hard enough without all the armchair philosophy. It is a long way for both parents and the trick is to grab any sleep and rest whenever you can. That means taking turns in doing things and taking turns to rest. And cut some corners too. There has been practical advice given here but it is ignored.

Imo nothing clever about dh being on his knees from exhaustion, it doesn't make him better father. This is a long race - 18 years minimum. In the first few weeks it is nice to do things together, after that you do what is practical. Those who have multiple children know what i'm talking about.

SardineQueen · 09/12/2011 11:55

"SardineQueen I might have missed it, but I'm not sure we know exactly what the OP's OH does? My DH has to drive a lot. Having had an accident where I fell asleep at the wheel (I think), I would never risk driving tired again (which limits my social life a lot - but that's my choice) and as he has to for his work, to pay our bills, he has no option other than to drive. Therefore I won't put him in the same position I put myself in - I was incredibly lucky, but who knows what might happen another time?"

My DH drives for a living and he got up in the night with our babies when necessary. If he was tired he went to bed earlier. I mean come off it, these are adults we're talking about, and it's strange how the mothers are supposed to be able to cope with fuck all sleep but if the father has to get up for even 10 mins in the night the sky will fall in. Makes me so angry, TBH.

BluddyMoFo · 09/12/2011 11:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 09/12/2011 12:02

No, thank the bloody Lord MoFo Shock Hmm

buttonmoon78 · 09/12/2011 12:06

DH goes to bed at 10 usually. By the time he gets in, often at 7-8, that gives him time to eat his dinner, see the other dcs, take the baby if he's having a bad evening with his reflux and possibly deal with some admin stuff. He's then up at 4/4.30. I don't fancy asking him to cut into his already brief night by getting him to feed the baby.

If he's away he gets a decent night's sleep and at weekends he takes his turn, or if he's got an office day the next day.

buttonmoon78 · 09/12/2011 12:09

So I don't think I'm BU to not ask him to get up actually.

SardineQueen · 09/12/2011 12:10

buttonmoon that's fine for you if you are happy with it. No-one is asking your DH to get up in the night.

However OP is not happy and her DH can go to bed earlier and she would like him to do that and help out. Telling OP to suck it up is spectacularly unhelpful TBH.

SardineQueen · 09/12/2011 12:11

FGS buttonmoon this thread is not about you. The OP is not you and her DH is not your DH.

diddl · 09/12/2011 12:12

Well, I think that as it´s only half an hour that they are both quibbling about then best to take it in turns.

buttonmoon78 · 09/12/2011 12:15

And I've suggested she does just that - ask him to go to bed earlier. But if it still doesn't work out what else can she do but suck it up?

I know it's not about me - I was responding to your post where you were sceptical about consequences and angry about men not getting up. Sorry to enter into dialogue Hmm

Laquitar · 09/12/2011 12:15

Thats what i meant too button. More useful if he helps in the evenings, i hated bathing and he loved it. I prefered him to do that so i could lie on the sofa instead of having him awake in the night demostrating 'support' and then exausted by 7 pm.

TruthSweet · 09/12/2011 12:16

DH was worried about me being tired and looking after baby - after all if he fell asleep whilst sitting at his desk well not very much would have happened (except him getting a keyboard imprint on his head!). If I had fallen asleep holding the baby I could have dropped her or smothered her - not ideal.

I should say I have epilepsy and when we were having a pre-conception appt DH was told he would have to do all the night feeds as I was not to be woken even though he would be working full time and I was on maternity leave Shock

We decided not to formula feed as I was worried about withdrawal from the meds for baby, and anyway we both wanted baby to be bf so we decided I would express when feeding went awry on day 2 and DH would do anything he could to get baby back to bfing.

buttonmoon78 · 09/12/2011 12:16

To be fair - it's only half an hour for him diddl. It's an hour or more every night anyway for the OP with the extra 30 mins tagged onto that.

diddl · 09/12/2011 12:26

I´d missed that it was already over an hour-hadn´t realised that OP was expressing for that long.

The unfortunate thing for the OP is that she has to get up anyway.

WE´re all different-for me if I had to be up the extra half an hour wouldn´t make a difference.

Whereas if I could get out of getting up at all...

I think I would ask husband to try going to bed earlier & if that doesn´t work, take it in turns.

Let´s hope that the tongue tie gets sorted soon & that might help baby settle more in the day as well.

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 09/12/2011 12:26

Again, ignoring all the side issues about expressing and the helpful comments about using formula etc, this is about:

a father of an 8 week old baby

who is saying it's too much to get up for 30 minutes during the night to feed his baby

because it makes him tired - when he chooses not to go to bed until midnight

If the OP had posted just those facts, including that she was also up during the night so she wasn't asking him to do everything, would you all have jumped down her throat and criticised her????

BluddyMoFo · 09/12/2011 12:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cheeseandmarmitesandwich · 09/12/2011 12:32

I think if the situation is that untenable that the OP can't BF lying down and each feed takes hours I would be giving a formula feed at night. I say this as someone still BF my 18 month old DD2, so I am in no way anti BF! I still think expressing at night while DH gives bottle is madness.

I mix-fed my DD1 for 5 months and it worked for us. I'm a big fan of doing what works for you- DD1 was a nightmare to BF (and I admit we offered a bottle too early which made everything go downhill, but that's another story) so in the end mix-feeding suited us best. DD2 BF like a dream so I never even considered FF- I had no reason to.

The thing about letting DH get a good night's sleep also means he has the energy to do things like cook, clean, do the washing and generally help the mum in every other way possible. At least it worked for us like that.

Also a first time mum of a newborn can still get plenty of rest during the day. Even if you are propped up on the sofa like a space cadet watching daytime tv while BF, it's still resting! It's not like there is a toddler to run around after. I still consider the days when I only have my 18 month old to look after a rest! .

I do truly sympathise though OP, don't mean to sound harsh, I am just trying to be practical. And if it were me I would ditch the breastpump and do a nightime formula feed.

cheeseandmarmitesandwich · 09/12/2011 12:33

I think if the situation is that untenable that the OP can't BF lying down and each feed takes hours I would be giving a formula feed at night. I say this as someone still BF my 18 month old DD2, so I am in no way anti BF! I still think expressing at night while DH gives bottle is madness.

I mix-fed my DD1 for 5 months and it worked for us. I'm a big fan of doing what works for you- DD1 was a nightmare to BF (and I admit we offered a bottle too early which made everything go downhill, but that's another story) so in the end mix-feeding suited us best. DD2 BF like a dream so I never even considered FF- I had no reason to.

The thing about letting DH get a good night's sleep also means he has the energy to do things like cook, clean, do the washing and generally help the mum in every other way possible. At least it worked for us like that.

Also a first time mum of a newborn can still get plenty of rest during the day. Even if you are propped up on the sofa like a space cadet watching daytime tv while BF, it's still resting! It's not like there is a toddler to run around after. I still consider the days when I only have my 18 month old to look after a rest! .

I do truly sympathise though OP, don't mean to sound harsh, I am just trying to be practical. And if it were me I would ditch the breastpump and do a nightime formula feed.

entropyglitter · 09/12/2011 12:33

Please do bluddy as I am sure that Pming people is against the guidelines....oh wait it isnt! If you truly cant bear to be spoken to then just hit the block button love.

BluddyMoFo · 09/12/2011 12:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.