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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think some women don't like other women because they are pretty?

400 replies

RainbowSheep · 07/12/2011 20:48

I really struggled with this at school, girls didn't like me much and I could never work out why, looking back it is because I was very pretty (I'm not syaing I'm better than anyone else or the most beautiful woman in the world btw). I did have some very good girlfriends but was never accepted into groups of girls. I found this a lot throughout my life and it used to really get me down.

I have noticed it reared it's head at the school gates again, it has taken me a good few years to be accepted by the other mums, being shy doesn't help either.

AIBU to think this is something that often women (obvioulsy not all women!) don't like other women who they think are pretty??

OP posts:
joanofarchitrave · 07/12/2011 21:04

I do tend not to try to talk to the prettiest women, because I assume they will have a brilliant social life and loads of friends and therefore why would they talk to me? But the people I talk to most are the people who make eye contact and smile. Given that inch, I can talk the leg of a pretty donkey. Work on focusing on the other people a bit more - thinking 'i like her top', 'she looks cold', 'she's super organised' to give you some good opening lines maybe.

Unless you would actually prefer not to spend time with groups of women? I have no male friends at all to speak of, so can't imagine not wanting lots of female friends, but that might not be the case for you.

emsyj · 07/12/2011 21:05

Hum well, I went to university with the most incredibly beautiful girl - really breathtakingly gorgeous. She was very very popular (and probably still is) - because she was very outgoing, friendly and enthusiastic.

If you are shy and don't speak to people, plus you are good-looking, people will interpret this as stand-offishness and won't feel that they can approach you. It is possibly worse for an attractive shy person than for a plain shy person, because a lot of people will assume that if you're attractive you are confident and get a lot of attention (rather than think, 'oh I wonder if she is shy'). The sympathy vote isn't with you if you're good looking, and some people might feel intimidated by a very attractive person.

I know a mum who intimidated me hugely when I first met her as she is very glamorous and quite obviously has a bit of money, so I assumed (wrongly) that she wouldn't want to know someone like me. Fortunately, I got talking to her one day and she is not who I assumed she was. But I will admit that I wouldn't have approached her and extended friendship - not because I'm jealous though. And I didn't hate her, I just thought I wouldn't be her 'type'.

LaurieFairyCake · 07/12/2011 21:05

I'm not vain or arrogant but I do think I'm pretty and attractive even though I am a short, chubby size 18 with massive norks.

It's called self esteem not vanity.

JamieComeHome · 07/12/2011 21:06

We are beautiful, no matter what they say
Words can't bring us down.
Nooo oo oo

WorraLiberty · 07/12/2011 21:06

I've always found the opposite with little girls in school

IME the pretty ones are the ones who have lots of other little girls really wanting to be their friend for some reason.

I do however find that on the whole (generally speaking of course) a lot of men and women who have grown up, having gained a lot of attention due to their looks...haven't particularly developed interesting personalities.

Perhaps they didn't have to 'try', I don't know.

But think of how many pretty and handsome celebrities there are who are quite mundane and boring as sin. Then think of how many funny/witty/amusing ones there are who aren't stunning to look at.

olgaga · 07/12/2011 21:06

I think women, if they are the jealous type, will be jealous of a good looking woman. Men, if they are the jealous type, will be jealous of a good looking bloke, particularly if they are also tall!

It's a downside which as a porky-shorty married to a tall good-looker I kind of appreciate.

Obviously not nice though, and YANBU. But ugly/short/fat people are also avoided because of how they look!

TerraNotSoFirma · 07/12/2011 21:07

I would have to disagree with 'lookers' getting ahead, I was told after an interview that I was the best qualified for a position but that his wife would never allow him to hire someone like me.

When I asked 'Someone like me?', Well you are attractive and large chested, my wife wouldn't like me working with you'

Lucky escape I think.

Original poster
RainbowSheep · 07/12/2011 21:07

I know lots of women who are incredibly attractive through personality and/or confidence alone, I think it's often peoples quirks that make them beautiful, these gorgeous creatures are the luckiest women as both sexes are instantly drwan to them.. I don't think I really fall into that catergory

OP posts:
CowboysGal · 07/12/2011 21:08

YANBU to feel that way but I'm not sure that women dislike you. There is a mum on our school run who is absolutely stunning. I find myself watching out for her on the way to the gates (hopefully I don't make her feel uncomfortable if she's ever noticed) she is always really glam and well dressed and on the day I noticed a small hole on the back of her leggings I was stupidly pleased because I thought she was amazingly perfect and the hole was a sign that she's just a normal mum. It is jealousy, plain and simple. I'm sure I could be thought of as disliking her but I don't at all, I'm just in awe of her really.

KittyFane · 07/12/2011 21:08

This has just made me think- my good friends are really pretty, have gorgeous hair and wear lovely clothes- I am big and wear pretty dull stuff and I get my hair cut not very often now and then.

The way I look is certainly not a threat to them and neither is the way they look to me infact they make me look better ha!.

IME, the better looking someone is the less vain they are (genuinely good looking I mean, not a load of makeup and overdone hair)

ColonelBrandon · 07/12/2011 21:08

I consider my friends to be attractive, some conventionally so, but the most amazingly stunning woman I know is cruel and avaricious.

We've probably seen it work both ways: women being bitchy simply because the other woman is good-looking, as happened to a schoolfriend who was on one of those model-talent shows eons ago, but equally women trading on their good-looks, especially in the workplace, to get what they want.

wheredidyoulastseeit · 07/12/2011 21:08

Esta3GG I rather think you are proving OP's point with your comments!

molschambers · 07/12/2011 21:09

Actually...I got quite badly beaten up by another girl at school for talking (and I mean a brief chat only) to a bloke that she fancied. If I was fat and ugly she probably wouldn't have felt so threatened...so, yes OP, you may have a point.

LaurieFairyCake · 07/12/2011 21:10

I really agree that 'quirks' or 'flaws' make people attractive - I think Sarah Jessica Parker and Barbra Streisand are incredibly attractive though not conventionally beautiful.

They are so Incredibly charismatic.

Tryharder · 07/12/2011 21:11

I disagree. I don't treat pretty women any differently than I treat less pretty women. I might think to myself "oh so and so is very good looking" but I also quite often admire less attractive women because they are confident, funny, are good mums, have good jobs or another characteristic that isn't linked specifically to looks.

At my school, the "popular" girls were generally very pretty as well so there goes your theory. At lot of "unpopular" girls were unattractive (fat, spotty etc)

I think some people are just approachable and others are not. Nothing to do with looks.

IneedAChristmasNickname · 07/12/2011 21:11

Worra I do however find that on the whole (generally speaking of course) a lot of men and women who have grown up, having gained a lot of attention due to their looks...haven't particularly developed interesting personalities

You have described my step-sister to a tee! She has a body most women would kill for, but the personality of a fish!

Ciske · 07/12/2011 21:11

You say you're shy, and seem to think it's everyone else's job to make friends with you, rather than you making the effort. Try talking to people and see how well they accept you. Yes, it's difficult to walk up to a stranger, but it's difficult for others to walk up to you as well.

I'm a bit shy, but I'm the first one to admit that it's not a condition but an attitude, and one that can be overcome with a bit of effort and courage.

pictish · 07/12/2011 21:12

I am insanely jealous of good looking women....but not to any degree as to actually judge them as people. I have a couple of natural beauties as good friends...I don't grudhe them a thing cos they is lovely....but do I wish it was me? Ohhhhh yes! Wink

annoyedinipswich · 07/12/2011 21:13

Vanity is my biggest hate

Feminine · 07/12/2011 21:14

In repose I can look quite bitchy and a bit scary ...as I have got older I smile more ...just naturally I suppose.

It helps quite a bit.

Women will assume that because you have a nice/pretty face you must have it all/be a cow...human nature really.

I don't let women blank me because of silly preconceived ideas about my looks anymore. It all boils down to confidence (in the end) I suspect.

tethersjinglebellend · 07/12/2011 21:14

Patriarchy relies on women competing against each other- divide and rule. Jealousy is a symptom of a greater malaise, IMO.

And I'm fucking gorgeous.

thepeoplesprincess · 07/12/2011 21:15

Erm olgaga would you mind not lumping us shortarses in with the fat and uglies ta (!) There's nothing conventionally unattractive about being petite.

Original poster
RainbowSheep · 07/12/2011 21:16

I do have a few friends at the school gates now, I think when people realise I'm not a bitch, not trying to steal their DH, am just really normal and just shy they are fine although there is a core group who just don't like me though, it reminds me of school

OP posts:
Esta3GG · 07/12/2011 21:16

OP - you are only concentrating on a superficial element of yourself and claiming that your failure to connect with other women is not down to anything you are doing or not doing.
You think it is the fault of other people who, for some surreal reason, despise you because of your looks.
That seems pretty bloody arrogant to me.
Why the focus only on your looks - why not dig a bit deeper?

Most people are shy - including the other women at the schoolgates that you seem to think are jealous of you.
Who knows, perhaps they are all standing around thinking - "Oh why won't anyone talk to me. Perhaps all these other women envy my fabulous tits/legs/arse."

It is all silly vanity as far as I can see.
Some of the sexiest and most attractive and popular people are those who don't have a clue how goregous they are. And consequently would never posit the question you have.

Hassledge · 07/12/2011 21:17

This is an interesting thread - another here who was really quite pretty in my teens and twenties, but has lost it with age. And as I've lost it, I've made far more good female friends - I really had very few when I was younger. Lots of acquaintances and part of the crowd, but few confidantes. I don't know if that was because I was pretty or because of who I was then, IYSWIM.

Do you think this is also true of men? Are average or ugly men wary of forming friendships with handsome men?

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