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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think some women don't like other women because they are pretty?

400 replies

RainbowSheep · 07/12/2011 20:48

I really struggled with this at school, girls didn't like me much and I could never work out why, looking back it is because I was very pretty (I'm not syaing I'm better than anyone else or the most beautiful woman in the world btw). I did have some very good girlfriends but was never accepted into groups of girls. I found this a lot throughout my life and it used to really get me down.

I have noticed it reared it's head at the school gates again, it has taken me a good few years to be accepted by the other mums, being shy doesn't help either.

AIBU to think this is something that often women (obvioulsy not all women!) don't like other women who they think are pretty??

OP posts:
stickyLFDTfingers · 08/12/2011 12:15

depends what you mean by "pretty"

If you mean lovely big grin, and that lovely intelligent/humorous look in someone's eyes, then - absolutely, I'm very drawn to that.

If you're all fabulous hair and nails and skin, but dead-eyed, yes, I'd have to make an effort to get over that before I rushed over to make friends.

FrostyTheCrunchyFrog · 08/12/2011 12:17

One of my best friends is IMO stunning. Absolutely gorgeous. But she won't leave the house without 2" of makeup troweled on, dressed to the nines. I don't get it. I fucking hate being judged on my physical appearance, which is after all a combination of an accident of genetics and a casual attitude to hair brushing. And a more or less permanent inane grin.

I am offended when people call me pretty. I'm not pretty, I'm a fully functioning adult woman with a brain and a personality, fuck the fuck off with the pretty shit!

FrostyTheCrunchyFrog · 08/12/2011 12:17

Bollocks iPhone, lost first message! Ignore me, I clearly don't have a functioning brain after all.

timetoask · 08/12/2011 12:19

If your logic works, then women that are not that pretty should have plenty of friends. I am not HORRIBLE, but I am not what I would call a pretty woman, and I really struggle to make friends.

It my school, I remember the pretty girls having lots of friends and being popular.

In the end, my conclusion, after many many years of pondering!! is that looks have nothing to do with it, it's all to do with confidence and social skills (which I obviously don't have!)

BalloonSlayer · 08/12/2011 12:21

The prettiest mother at our school hasn't all that many friends AFAIK as she does things like:

  • admires her reflection, smoothing our creases in her dress etc in the plate glass windows of the classroom.
  • brushes her very long, beautiful, eye-catching hair very loudly in public when people are sitting quietly (eg school assembly)
  • sashayed alongside the whole length of the race track in FRONT of parents of the whole school, who were trying to watch their DCs in a race on sports' day (yes the race was in progress) to take her DS to the toilet when she could have gone round the back and not got into anyone's line of vision

most importantly

  • will chat for ages to you on one day (mainly about herself) and not even bother to raise eyebrows and smile at you the next, just looks straight through you.

I expect she thinks people are jealous of her prettiness too.

sue52 · 08/12/2011 12:24

Certain people are disliked because they are unpleasant company, their looks have very little to do with it.

Fecklessdizzy · 08/12/2011 12:29

To be honest, in my experience if you're good company then no-one gives a rat's arse if you're Helen of Troy or Quasimodo ...

maryellenwalton · 08/12/2011 12:41

I agree with whoever it was who said it was crazy to try and claim that being attractive is a handicap in life.

All I've ever observed throughout my life is attractive people being advantaged in every area you can think of!

Angel786 · 08/12/2011 12:41

Yabu, sounds like you're just not very likeable. I don't know anyone that would refer to themselves as very pretty! I'm alright looking, was awkward looking at school, modelled in later years but would not call myself pretty. It's all subjective anyway, just because you think you're pretty doesn't mean you are and vice versa.

Bumblequeen · 08/12/2011 13:14

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Feminine · 08/12/2011 13:17

Well because I have been complimented on my looks in my past...I decided to put a couple on here now.

Remember though, its just opinions ...I am sure I am not everyones cup of tea Grin

Oh, and I have no difficulty in making friends(with women) now that I am an old bag and more confident. :)

daytoday · 08/12/2011 13:19

Haven't read all the thread -

but

I am tall, slim and when younger, was considered very pretty by most. Def had a figure to die for, skin tight catsuit no problem (alas gone now due to children -sobs!). I have never struggled to make friends. I really couldn't give too much of a fig about how someone looks unless I have to sleep with them!

That said, I've never been a jealous type and would probably yawn if I had to spend much time with someone who is addicted to how they look. I'd be more jealous of someone who's family are healthy and well than someone whose skin and bone formation is aesthetically pleasing

mrsravelstein · 08/12/2011 13:30

i'm fairly conventionally attractive (skinny, big tits, swishy long hair) and i'm not aware of anyone ever having disliked me for being pretty.

i do however have a spectacularly beautiful friend who is ALWAYS complaining that women don't like her because she's gorgeous (she won't let women cut her hair, because they are so jealous that they deliberately muck it up, apparently), and i am too nice to tell her that it's nothing to do with her being gorgeous and everything to do with her being rather self obsessed and having almost no sense of humour.

swanfall · 08/12/2011 13:35

Feminine you are properly gorgeous Grin

I am naturally physically attractive (really don't know how to phrase that without sounding like a knob) and I know that I come across as aloof and scary, because my lovely friends have told me so! Many of my close friends thought I didn't like them at first. I just had to make more of an effort to show them who I actually am. I've never been one for fitting in with a group, but that's because I'm shy and self-conscious and it's just too much effort. I just work out who seems nice as an individual and make friends with them.

And I never assume people are jealous/not talking to me of me because of my looks, I assume it's because unless I make a big effort, then I seem like a cold-hearted snooty bitch reserved and uninterested.

swanfall · 08/12/2011 13:37

Oh, and my stunningest friend (blond, slim, big tits, sexy to men and women alike) is also the most popular person I know because she is so so friendly and warm and interested in people.

Pixieonthemoor · 08/12/2011 13:37

YANBU - there are plenty of women out there who are jealous cows. On another note, I wonder if you are aware of how your shyness manifests itself? Some people are just quiet whilst others try to cover up with being falsely jolly. Personally, my shyness makes me seem quite stand-offish which I hate as it is so not how I really am. Could you be similar, do you think? The two together - good looks and seeming to be unapproachable would be a tough combination to overcome.

aquashiv · 08/12/2011 13:38

I can go from smart well groomed and not bad looking to rough as you like within one day. Infact only this morning on my way to a meeting I dropped DC's off looking like the dogs whatnots and now I am poised to lift a skanky jumper off the floor complete with dog hair covered jeans. A quick spray and off. Not many I know have this skill.

I would hazzard a guess that the reason you aren't liked is more to do with your sounding as if you are up your own arse.

Very rarely are people who think they are pretty, pretty. They normally have one of those faces you wan to punch. Maybe thats your problem OP?

knockneedandknackered · 08/12/2011 13:41

i dont like pretty people who are big headed about it and thinks everyone loves them met a few of them.id rather someone who dosent no there pretty and has a great personality.

Feminine · 08/12/2011 13:43

Thanks swanfall :)

What I totally forgot to say earlier ,is that I actually think 'beautiful' women do have to work harder to prove they are alright and not a threat.

And actually, same as some so called 'average' women become stunningly beautiful once you get to know them...the same happens with good looks...they actually become less obvious.

I also think it has a lot to do with voices, how one carries themselves etc...

And please smile Grin

swanfall · 08/12/2011 13:45

aquashiv That's harsh! I know I'm not bad looking because a) people tell me so (and it makes me feel embarrassed and uncomfortable at the time, but I do enjoy the compliment) and b) because when I was about 16 I looked in the mirror, decided what I could see was not too bad and crossed 'looks' off my massive list of things to worry about.

That said, doing things like brushing your hair in public, constantly checking make up etc because you want to look perfect suggests a major ego or insecurity problem.

Feminine · 08/12/2011 13:46

aquashiv why?

Why write a post like that? Confused

WinterWonderlandIsComing · 08/12/2011 13:47

It is only since I've had DD, and had her eleven years now that I am beginning to understand that my mother was actually right. That the people who teased me at my all-girls' school for having a doll-face and too-long "spider" eyelashes etc WERE, perhaps, "jealous". And that some of the bullying wasn't all my fault for being a weirdo (I have Autism / Aspergers Syndrome)

IMO my daughter looks absolutely nothing like me - she's beautiful FGS, always has been. Maybe we were similar when we were babies. But the number of people who knew me at that age who keep saying that she is the image of me - well only now am I starting to realise that I was fairly pretty in the long-gone past.

It's a bit off to call people arrogant and vain when they have had difficulties at that stage of life. It stings and it remains. It leads you to make bad decisions which impact lives at a crucial time. Girls are so very, very vulnerable. A bit of understanding wouldn't go amiss.

I must say though that I have found that the absolutely stunning women I know are finding approaching forty very difficult indeed. Some I feel for because they are lovely but others I just think, "well you should have been a bit nicer and developed some compassion" Good looks don't last forever and some people realise that too late.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 08/12/2011 13:50

I think the OP has a point.
However I think that compared to how people react to those with facial difference, pretty women's lives are a fecking picnic.

There is that old phrase 'too pretty for her own good'. There is a really good book called 'The Street' set in 1950s (?) Harlem about a beautiful black woman who really suffers because she is too pretty to be safe.

But lets put things in perspective. If you are very pretty you may get some jealous looks and a bit of bitchiness but you wont get refused service in a cafe because you will put others off their food will you?

Feminine · 08/12/2011 13:51

As a young girl I worked very hard on my personality ,to compensate for those that were bitchy to me because of my face.

So, as I am now 40 my 'fading' looks don't bother me unless I am having a very vain day Wink

aldiwhore · 08/12/2011 13:53

There's a million reasons why a person won't get accepted into a clique/group/gaggle of women. It could very well be because you're pretty, it could be because there hasn't been opportunity, it could be because you're shy and that can sometimes come across as uninterested.

There are certain types of people who seem to fit into large groups in the deep end, but usually at the centre of these groups is a rather unpleasant matriarch figure who enjoys controlling others, they're usually fabbo on face value but their smile isn't genuine and their heart is an icy blackness. They surround themselves with some nice people though, who are usually unaware why they've been 'chosen' but usually its got something to do with a lack of spine.

There are many millions more people who are just themselves, good people who simply haven't had the opportunity to flock together.

Maybe OP it is because you're pretty, but for heaven's sake never mention, its rather vulgar. Your face simply doesn't fit.