Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think some women don't like other women because they are pretty?

400 replies

RainbowSheep · 07/12/2011 20:48

I really struggled with this at school, girls didn't like me much and I could never work out why, looking back it is because I was very pretty (I'm not syaing I'm better than anyone else or the most beautiful woman in the world btw). I did have some very good girlfriends but was never accepted into groups of girls. I found this a lot throughout my life and it used to really get me down.

I have noticed it reared it's head at the school gates again, it has taken me a good few years to be accepted by the other mums, being shy doesn't help either.

AIBU to think this is something that often women (obvioulsy not all women!) don't like other women who they think are pretty??

OP posts:
Thistledew · 08/12/2011 01:57

Interesting thread.

I was a very shy child, and moved on to being an unconfident teenager who was horribly bullied at school. I used to describe myself as an ugly duckling, as I genuinely believed that until I was in my early 20s I was actually unattractive. By the time I left school, I honestly did not have one school friend. However, looking back on old photos I can now see I was actually pretty good looking.

In my 20s, I gradually became aware that I have actually been very lucky in the way that mother nature has put me together.
I also learnt how to get on with people and to make friends. I am still by nature quite shy, but have learnt to act as if I am not. I now am actually quite good at achieving a casual friendship with work colleagues etc, and being a core part of a social group (which still surprises me from time to time).

I still find it difficult to move on from casual friendship to a true close friendship, although I do now have a small number of really close and genuine friends, which makes me very happy.

However, I have had three experiences of the sort the OP describes. One from someone who is now a good friend, who admitted that his opinion of me really changed from his first impression. He said that he assumed that I was quite arrogant and wouldn't want to be my friend, until he realised I was making a real effort to be friendly to him. We are now good friends.

The two others were both female work colleagues, from whom I got really negative vibes from the outset. Despite my best effort to be friendly, we never became friends. Both of them, at their respective leaving dos made really personal and judgmental comments about my appearance. I have also had a male friend of a friend quiz me about whether I have difficulty with men being intimidated by me, to which I honestly replied that I had not noticed. My closest female friend also once said to me that one of the good things about me is that I didn't act like a good looking person.

To the OP, I would say that there will be people who will form a judgment about you because of your looks, but you can guarantee that they will be judgmental in a superficial way about other people too. It is not realistic to expect to be friends with everyone, sometimes because they are not nice people anyway, and sometimes because they are just not obliged to like you. The only thing you can do is to be as friendly as you can I people and try to conquer your own shyness so it is easy for people to be friendly to you. Don't use your looks as an excuse not to work hard at being friendly. If you keep this in mind, you will make genuine friends, and this is far more important than being the most popular person at the school gates.

annoyedinipswich · 08/12/2011 06:33

I once knew someone I didnt like because she was a twat. She was very vain and thought she was gorgeous. I genuinely didnt think so as she had a pretty ugly face and a large nose . Never really thought much about her looks until I found out below....

You see, because SHE thought she was gorgeous, there was nothing that could convince her that I and a few others didnt much like her just because we didnt like her and she wasnt a nice person. She was conviced I was jealous because she was "so beautiful, and blonde and slim".
I only know this because she told people her woes that people didnt like her "because they were jealous". Kind of a nice secure place to be really.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 08/12/2011 07:59

annoyedinipswich, did we know the same person??

LeQueen · 08/12/2011 10:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

porcamiseria · 08/12/2011 10:21

yanbu

I am a fucking stunner and i have no mates Grin

runningwilde · 08/12/2011 10:35

I certainly do not feel like that, if anything, I like pretty women and a lot of my friends are real stunners (the caaaws!) Grin

The only time I dislike pretty women is when they are arrogant and vain and it makes them look ugly anyway.

I have a friend who is gorgeous and she has this problem in that a lot of girls don't like her because she is so pretty. She is nice too though so it is their problem and not hers, I always tell her to concentrate on the lovely friends she has (like me!) and screw the jealous bitches!

HollyGhost · 08/12/2011 10:39

YANBU - it is anything that marks you out as "other"

be that exceptional prettiness, intelligence, wealth, success etc - it intimidates some, so they avoid potential rejection by shunning you first

However, being unusually lacking in any of the above will also have you excluded by the same twats, they just assume that everyone is as mean spirited as them.

And they are actually in a minority, once you get over your shyness, most people are lovely.

runningwilde · 08/12/2011 10:50

I totally agree with feminine about Angelina Jolie, I don't get her 'beauty' at all

Monica Belluci on the other hand... Totally beautiful - as is Nicole Sherzinger

HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 08/12/2011 11:00

Does anyone else find that when you first meet someone, they can look really gorgeous (or bug ugly) but when you get to know them, the lovely people look physically really attractive, but the horrible people start to look physically ugly?

I've found that a lot. It's as though the personality is superimposed over the actual face, iyswim.

frumpet · 08/12/2011 11:09

I am never jealous of people because they are pretty /good looking , i actually feel a little bit sorry for them because their looks will fade and that must be quite hard to deal with if you are used to being gorgeous , i on the other hand shall never have to deal with that Xmas Wink

frumpet · 08/12/2011 11:10

I do appreciate looking at pretty things , but i did once make an arse of myself at work once by commenting to a lady that her trousers made her bottom look fabulous , but they did !

fluffy123 · 08/12/2011 11:14

I think the opposite to Rainbowsheep. All the pretty women I have known seem to have lots of friends. As do attractive children.

HollyGhost · 08/12/2011 11:33

Agree Hecate the character becomes more evident in the face, given what you know.

difficulttimes · 08/12/2011 11:43

I think we need some photographic evidence to back up these claims Grin

All my friends are very pretty, I'm the odd one out and it shows when were out together how women/men treat me and them. Its quite awkward sometimes.

Everybody becomes unnatracctive eventually I've just got their very early Envy

I could be alone in this but people who usually complain loudly infront of other people about how being a 'looker' makes their life hell are usuall either fishing or passively aggressively having a dig at unluckier women , but in that second they become less good looking.

anothermadamebutterfly · 08/12/2011 11:54

YABVVVVU, and superficial - most people are attracted to other people who are friendly, approachable and confident, and those characteristics are not defined by looks.

MrsHankey · 08/12/2011 12:02

Hmm, agree with this a bit.

Was pretty when younger and experienced quite a bit of jealousy type bullying.

Not so pretty now Grin apart from to DH

I think the combination of being pretty and shy does make people think 'aloof'

Be friendly and try not to worry about the shallow 'gang' types

Sargesaweyes · 08/12/2011 12:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oggy · 08/12/2011 12:03

Well it's all been said really but will chip in because of my personal bug bear.

IME it will be something to do with your personality (your shyness presumably) that is preventing you making friends. There are ridiculous numbers of examples of very attractive women that have managed to be very popular, as others have said, in school, usually more popular. If you have not managed to emulate this yourself then I can only put that down to your shyness.

I have to say, in all my 36 years I have heard this "women are jealous of attractive women" crap loads of times but never ever actually seen it in action in real life. What I have seen is very attractive women being disliked because of something negative in their character (and here is the bug bear) and then others (often men) disregarding any negative opinions on character as being born from jealousy because the woman is attractive. This just bugs me because sometimes very attractive women are a bit nasty, and this is why they might not be liked (same with unattractive women).

OP, not saying you are nasty, but you have admitted yourself you are shy and shy people notoriusly find it difficult to make friends so I find it highly bizzare that you should assume it was your looks preventing you making friends and seemingly dismiss the more obvious reason of your shyness.

Shyness is difficult to overcome, but in order to overcome it you need to acknowledge it is that which is holding you back rather than trying to find something else to blame.

MrsHankey · 08/12/2011 12:05

Grin at Sarge, I am totally the same, have never been 'flexible' and always been bloody jealous of 'gymnastic' types

OrmIrian · 08/12/2011 12:06

"I really struggled with this at school, girls didn't like me much and I could never work out why"

me too. But that was because I was a weird loner who found normal relationships a bit difficult.

Maybe they don't like you because you are so full of yourself? Wink

However I think that can be an issue - for women who are lacking in confidence. But they could pick on looks, intelligence, wealth, accent.... anything at all. Some women don't like pretty women... some women don't like clever women... blah blah blah. How much effort do you make to make friends?

OrmIrian · 08/12/2011 12:07

And when I started work I got called 'aloof'. After thinking about it for a while I realised it meant 'shy' and at that particular workplace it also meant that I hadn't shagged one particular manager within the first 6m Grin

Sargesaweyes · 08/12/2011 12:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hullygully · 08/12/2011 12:13

It is extremely unlikely as a hypothesis.

Gloribe · 08/12/2011 12:13

YANBU to think that some people (not just women) are bitches and nasty because of their jealousy.

But people can be bitchy and jealous whether you look like Natalie Portman or have come straight from the Ugly Bug Ball.

FrostyTheCrunchyFrog · 08/12/2011 12:13

Pretty is an odd word. I'm offended when people use it about me. For a start, I'm not, but I do have a more or less permenant inane grin. I don't really wear makeup, wear clothes chosen for comfort etc. I am attractive, I know that, and it utterly bewilders me - people clearly don't see what I see!

One of my best friends is IMO stunning. Absolutely gorgeous. But she won't leave the house without 2" of makeup troweled on, dressed to the nines. I don't get it. I fucking hate being judged on my l