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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why if parents are so busy and stressed and "non stop"....

344 replies

minxofmancunia · 04/12/2011 19:50

they then go on to have more children??

expecting to be flamed but read stuff on here all the time ie "eldest 2 are driving me mad, youngest being so clingy and I'm pg with dc 4"

And other similar stuff, why do it if it's so terrible?? I'm not saying don't have a moan now and again, I have 2 and have found it so exceptionally stressful and exhausting I would never have another....

but tbh some people just seem to keep producing then being all martyrish about it, fwiw I think to have more than 3 you need to be an exceptional person with a high level of stress tolerance....and a fair amount of money.

OP posts:
lockets · 04/12/2011 21:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyoneforTurps · 04/12/2011 21:36

YANBU - this mystifies me too. Obviously not all children are planned and some people just like to moan but there still seem to be a substantial number of parents who are genuinely pretty miserable but who carry on having kids.

LemonDifficult · 04/12/2011 21:36

'minx Exactly. Know your limitations.'

Smug-o-rama, sanctimonius, slight-envy IMO.

No one knows their limitations until they truly push at them, but that's an aside.

They may be stressed now. But when they are older and their children are passed the clinging to ankles stage, this martyrish stage will pass. How impatient not to be able to listen to it.

You should also know that when you leave they look at their children and think:'Wow, I am so lucky to have 3/4/5 gorgeous children. I feel a bit sorry for those who only have 2'.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 04/12/2011 21:36

Why get married if you are going to have a moan about your OH?
Why get a pet if you are going to complain about taking them for a walk in the rain?
Why dont you change your job if you are going to say 'boo its Monday'?
Why have a large family if you are going to say they are driving you mad?
Why have a child, one child, if you are going to moan about them whinging on a wet sunday in February?

Because everyone gets to have a moan if they want to. It doesnt mean they are not coping or their lives are crap.

I am pretty fed up of the idea that women have big families because they are too thick to do anything else or that they only really like babies so need to keep 'popping them out' (we do that you know, but only if we are common).

My kids are driving me insane at the moment. BUt thats because we have got the decorations out and they are hyper excited. Should I shut up about it because I dare to have more than 2 children? Does it mean I am struggling to deal with my family? Does it mean I should have stopped at 1?

Does it buggery.

NinkyNonker · 04/12/2011 21:38

Because they are building a family, which will last past the difficult years early on.

sheepgomeep · 04/12/2011 21:39

I think having 4 is easier than 2!

The more I have the more Ive found it easier to cope, I dont know why though, maybe its because I found motherhood such a shock in my early twenties and now in my mid thirties with two younger ones it does seem easier.

Mine are spaced though so that definately helps.

ds12 has SN though and we really have been through the mill lately but thats not been because I can't cope with the dynamics of 4 children, its just ds is not coping very well and we are all having the fall out.

I am a single parent and I work p/t!

ReindeerBollocks · 04/12/2011 21:40

My son has given me the best moments of my life, and it is literally amazing watching him grow and change every day. That doesn't mean he behaves everyday, just some days are better than others. Same with DD and I would much rather have them (with their stresses) than not.

It's the same as having the job you always wanted - you adore it but some days are still frustrating and some a bit meh. Doesn't mean you want a different job, just doing the same thing day in, day out can bring certain frustrations.

Being a parent is hard ( if your doing it properly) but it is also fantastic, hence why some people have more than one child.

sheepgomeep · 04/12/2011 21:41

what mrsdeveresaid is spot on

juuule · 04/12/2011 21:41

Odd isn't it?
I suspect hormones are the culprit.

ReindeerBollocks · 04/12/2011 21:42

Give me a baby anyway btw, they are fabulous. Toddlers on the other hand....

Can you tell I'm tired of DDs toddlerdom and she intent on ruling the bleddy world Wine

crashdoll · 04/12/2011 21:44

I haven't read the whole thread but here at my $2. Parents are allowed to moan, complain and bitch. Scrap that, all people are entitled to rant. When parents complain on a regular basis and continue to pop out more babies, I think that gives you permission to shut your ears to their moaning.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 04/12/2011 21:46

I loves toddlers! With their dear little pudgy hands and the way the stomp about and how they know that they are the most important thing in the universe Grin

Teenagers on the other hand......

lockets · 04/12/2011 21:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ReindeerBollocks · 04/12/2011 21:48

I'll send DD now to you MrsD, she doesn't like beans but is a huge fan of chocolate.

Enjoy Grin

ReindeerBollocks · 04/12/2011 21:50

P.s. notice the way I neglected to mention how she screeched all around town this afternoon

KittyFane · 04/12/2011 21:50

Lemon- Smug-o-rama, sanctimonius, slight-envy IMO.
How is saying that people should know and live within their own limitations any of these things?

Serenitysutton · 04/12/2011 21:53

I'd don't understand why people are saying if it wasn't this you'd just moan about something else- seriously? So you just moan about whatever you happen to be doing? Your job, hobby? How negative and miserable.

PacificDogwood · 04/12/2011 21:54

YANBU

Grin

What's the saying about people 'being promoted to the level of their incompetence'?? For me it was 'having children to the level of my overwhelmedness' or summat.

AND I am a great believer in therapeutic moaning - get if off your chest and then, crucially, keep going.

ReindeerBollocks · 04/12/2011 22:01

Serenity, no-one is saying that. We are saying it is normal to moan sometimes. As it is when you go on about the amazing day you had at the park/putting up decorations/visiting relatives (actually scrap that last one).

Everyone is entitled to moan sometimes, the OP is just being really harsh on those who do so IMO. I compared it to a job, you have good and bad days, surely it's natural to talk about both? It doesn't mean parents are negative and miserable at all.

4madboys · 04/12/2011 22:01

what mrsevere said!

and tbh the nature of this site is that people come her for advice and to have a moan and a whinge/chat you dont come and post a thread about how wonderful life is, as tbh when its good you are too busy enjoying it! or if you did come and say how great life was wiht 5 kids and how they are all so briliant and wonderful you would just be accused of boasting and even of makking people that cant have any children/more children feel bad.

anyway if you want a positive thread about large families read the 'you know you have too many children when...' thread, i shall put up a link, its great Grin

and yes with 5 things are slightly manic at time, but on the whole its all good fun, shame about the laundry, cooking, cleaning etc but its not that much different from when i only had 2. i have 5, love it and feel slightly sad that i shant be having anymore. i dont actually want anymore, but my baby is one tomorrow and i do feel a pang of sadness for the baby/child that i wont be having again.

and as for the bollocks about not being educated/clever enough to realise when you have had enough, dp and i are both well educated thanks and chose to have 5 and that is enough for us.

hmc · 04/12/2011 22:08

I think you're being obtuse op

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 04/12/2011 22:09

Where are all these people who never moan?

Show me.

I know someone who trots out the 'well you shouldnt have had them' smuggery when anyone dares to whinge about a crap day with the kids.

Yet she regularly coats off her OH and doesnt see the irony.

My cat is driving me fecking bonkers because she keeps climbing up the christmas tree.

I should re-home her shouldnt I?

If you dont want lots of kids please dont have them. Equally please dont make a sodding virtue of it. You didnt have lots because you didnt want them. Not because you are clever and sensible or care more about the planet or something.

You just decided not to. Well done.

Serenitysutton · 04/12/2011 22:11

Now see I think OP is referring to those moaning minnies who moan constantly...

LittleWhiteWolf · 04/12/2011 22:14

YABU, I don't think its fair to base a persons parenting experience on one (or even two or three) moany posts.

On the other hand, what I find awful is someone like my MIL who has had 5 children over the course of 22 years (DH being the oldest) with two men, each as useless as the other albeit in different ways, and who struggles to raise any of them. DH pulled himself up by his bootstraps, pretty much on his own and was expected to fill in as a surrogate parent when whichever siblings dad didn't help (so all the time) or MIL felt she couldn't cope (half the time). Consequently DH has a parental figure role with all of his siblings still and currently finds himself being drafted in to help with his middle sibling who is going through a particularly difficult teenage stage.

Mind you that's really just my own issue with my MIL, as I've never known a family like this close enough to really know what's going on IYSWIM.

lockets · 04/12/2011 22:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.