Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to wonder why if parents are so busy and stressed and "non stop"....

344 replies

minxofmancunia · 04/12/2011 19:50

they then go on to have more children??

expecting to be flamed but read stuff on here all the time ie "eldest 2 are driving me mad, youngest being so clingy and I'm pg with dc 4"

And other similar stuff, why do it if it's so terrible?? I'm not saying don't have a moan now and again, I have 2 and have found it so exceptionally stressful and exhausting I would never have another....

but tbh some people just seem to keep producing then being all martyrish about it, fwiw I think to have more than 3 you need to be an exceptional person with a high level of stress tolerance....and a fair amount of money.

OP posts:
LemonDifficult · 04/12/2011 23:15

MoM - there's definitely some issue there, and this is the dig that gives it away: "In RL i only know 1 family of more than 3 kids, and most people i know who are parents are intelligent, capable, driven, insightful professionals."

Why would you bring these qualities in to the discussion if you weren't trying to make yourself feel superior and hoping to make those with bigger families appear less 'intelligent, caring, driven, insightful'? It seems a little raw for you and maybe that's why you are minding the 'martyr' stuff.

Bogeyface · 04/12/2011 23:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 04/12/2011 23:28

kitty well that is just bloody annoying! In that case you are perfectly reasonable to think 'well you chose to have that many'. I would think the same Smile

Its the idea that parents with larger families should somehow keep their gobs shut whilst those with one or two DCs are allowed to whinge I find a bit Hmm

Firawla · 04/12/2011 23:28

I agree with what some have said you seem to have an axe to grind and just a thing against large families.
I have seen some threads where OP are asking advice about their other children's behaviour and are expecting dc4 but so what? asking advice does not mean they can't cope and even if they are tired out with it, maybe that is due to pregnancy hormones, or just having a bad day and want to offload. even people with only 1dc often like to have a moan after a difficult day, so why not those with more dc.
Just because you couldn't cope with more dc doesn't mean that everyone else who does is so irresponsible and just popping out the kids without coping properly. You make it sound like they all must be a bunch of idiots who have not heard of contraception or something, whereas it may be an informed and considered decision, what they feel is the best for their family.
I have 3 dc at the moment, I would like a 4th but my 3 are pretty close in age so thinking of waiting a bit but I never wanted to stop at 3. However i am fairly sure that there will be at least a few days during pregnancy, that i would like to have a moan - as I did with ds3 too, it doesn't mean that you can't cope. all it means is simply that you may be exhausted and a bit of a moan will do you some good!

GypsyMoth · 04/12/2011 23:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

A1980 · 04/12/2011 23:36

YANBU. Moan, moan, complain, stressed, busy, tired, frustrated, I've heard it all from colleauges. Why did you do it then?!

Moominsarescary · 04/12/2011 23:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

sheepgomeep · 05/12/2011 00:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

A1980 · 05/12/2011 00:10

I always retort to paretns, "would you be without them?" the answer is always "no".

I'm tempted to ask them if they would prefer to be single and childless (like me) and have to either look for a friend to take pity on you to spend some time with, go to the gym for company and actually look forward to Monday morning to have someone to talk to. But I don;t, my problems are my problems.

Bogeyface · 05/12/2011 00:21

A1980

If you had a bad back, would you be at work and in pain and not say anything? Or would you say "OMG, my back is killing me! I wish the painkillers the doc gave me would work!" once in a while?

Why shouldnt a parent say "OMG, my teen is really getting on my wick! Its making life so hard and it means the other kids play up too. I wish the Supernanny tips actually worked!"?

Bogeyface · 05/12/2011 00:25

I should add that a parent saying, in response to "how are you?",
"knackered, bloody kids had me up all night and X &Y have managed to break the video..." is the same as a non parent saying
"Knackered. Traffic is getting worse so I had to spend 2 hours getting here and then X in marketing had a go at me for something that wasnt even to do with my department!"

Its just stuff to say!

A1980 · 05/12/2011 00:27

Why shouldnt a parent say "OMG, my teen is really getting on my wick

Most are on about it every fucking time i speak to them. I wouldn't go on about a health problem or anything else every time i spoke to a colleauge.

One of them never shuts up about losing sleep with the baby. What did they think it would be like and why have more in that case?

Bogeyface · 05/12/2011 00:39

Some people are just annoying! I am sure that your colleague with the non sleeping baby would be wittering on about something else if she didnt have children. Its also a universal "oh poor you" attention seeker that is used by some who feel the need and is irritating, I'll give you that!

But I have 6 kids and I can promise you that I and my friends, who have families ranging in size from 1 to 8 children, do not talk about our families whether at home or at work unless it is something serious. Infact a colleague and I who worked together a couple of years ago (who has since become a firm friend), only found out we both had 6 kids after several months! I knew she had children and so did she of me, but it wasnt our main topic of conversation.

Sounds like you just have either an annoying group of colleagues (well one, certainly!) or you are uber sensitive to it. Are you perhaps ignoring the "bollocks, the car broke down AGAIN" comments but making note of the "the kids are all ill with norovirus AGAIN" comments?

Bogeyface · 05/12/2011 00:42

What did they think it would be like and why have more in that case?

Because before your first you think that the sleepness night and tantrums only happen to bad parents! You think that it wont happen to you because you know better. You have more because when the baby gets a bit older you thinkg "hey, this is ok, I can actually do this!" without realising that yes, you can deal with a newborn and yes, you can deal with a toddler. But dealing with both at the same time is a whole different ball game!

maighdlin · 05/12/2011 01:19

YANBU i wonder about this to. I would love another DC but i have 2 yo dd, uni full time and work ever evening i feel like pulling my hair out as it without adding another one to the mix. i think some people are martyrs for attention.

Dorje · 05/12/2011 01:36

Yes I agree, it's a little bit unreasonable if they obviously can't cope and they can't afford childcare. I suppose it's personal choice, and every life is sacred.. There are other considerations to having lots of kids though: moral, environmental to name just a few.

I made a decision to have one biological child, and never wanted another - we have low infant mortality now, so I don't need to have six in order that my genes are passed on by at least one survivor, and I live in a city, so I don't need many hands to make light work down on the farm. Also children are an environmental disaster - (as are pets by the way, unless, that is, you keep rabbits, and they are carbon neutral, BUT only if you eat them!!!).

The ecological footprint was a factor in my decision to have only one biological kid. I care about the planet, and what kind of planet we will all be sharing with 9 billion humans in 2050. We reached 7 billion people this year, and the planet looks like it's going to hell in a hand basket - climate change and habitat destruction to name a few concerns, all fuelled by people's need to eat and have space for themselves. I don't keep a car any more for environmental reasons: I use public transport, walk or cycle, and I don't have a pet.

Sometimes I look at large families and I just can't see how someone who claims they are educated would choose to have so many biological kids. It's just so greedy and irresponsible: there's a huge double standard too globally as we fund charidees to help the 'poor' Bangladeshi woman, and implicitly berate her for having too many kids, or the Nigerian woman, weighted down with babies, but with no land tsk tsk, but there we are driving our 7 seater SUV, with the family dog too - just wolfing down the global resources, and polluting like there's no tomorrow.

For me it's a no brainer not to add to a problem if I can help it - and contraception is a way to help the huge over population problem the whole earth has! Contraception is not just for 'poor' people with dark skin colour, living in low coastal regions or near the equator, it's for everyone, even those living in middle class ghettos in the northern hemisphere.

I don't think having just one child makes you any less of being a parent than if you have a football team - if you're woken in the night, you're still awake, not half awake or a sixth awake. Having one child makes you a parent.

I know it's personal choice to have as many children as you like, but in my personal opinion having more than one child in this day and age, when we are mostly urban, when childhood mortality is rare, and living in this already environmentally fragile planet, is just plain old greedy, and environmentally not a little shortsighted. You don't have to collect the full set you know!!

It's not rocket science to figure out how to be more responsible, think globally and act in the best interests of every creature on this planet, and that includes using contraception. If you need to have more than one child, there are plenty in care and orphanages who might like to be adopted or fostered by you.

Bogeyface · 05/12/2011 01:56

Its my children that will be paying for your hospital care when you are elderly Dorje

Ecomentalism is all very well, but if there arent enough tax payers to pay the bills then the enviroment is pretty much buggered anyway!

Another matyr!

ThePoorMansBeckySharp · 05/12/2011 02:32

How very inconsiderate of you to have a child, Dorje. Don't you know the world is overpopulated? You sicken me.

CheerfulYank · 05/12/2011 02:52

Well, I want four, but will probably just have two biological children. That's my choice though, isn't it?

OP I think YABU. People just need a moan sometimes.

TheFrogs · 05/12/2011 03:16

In answer to op I think it's because we dont have a crystal ball. I've always said if dd had been my first she would have been the only one!

Ds was such an easy baby, he slept through at a few weeks old, he only cried when he needed feeding or had a dirty nappy. He would go to anyone, always smiling...he was so full of sunshine. When his father and I split and I had to move, every night for two months (he was three at the time), i'd collect him after work, rush home to change, get tea on the run and come here to decorate. He never once got upset, or bored, he'd sit in the lounge with a few toys I kept here and play happily while mum was slapping paint on the walls.

Dd was a nightmare from day one...she screamed constantly, the only time she ever stopped screaming was when she slept. As a toddler she was really destructive and had approx. 15 tantrums a day. She also hated going to anyone else. Later she hated walking, hated the buggy, hated food, hated everything in fact.

I had a moan about them tonight, ds is now fourteen and totally miserable, dd is seven and awful at times. I sort of expected it with her but not with her brother, he's not the same kid!

TheCatInTheHairnet · 05/12/2011 03:49

How f*ing ridiculous. So, every time I read a thread from a struggling first time mother, I should write, " FFS! Why did you have a baby if you can't cope?!!
Just because you have more than the standard 2.4 doesn't make you immune to exactly the same kind of duff days as every other parent has.

Seriously, when are mothers going to stop judging each other and start reaching out?!

callmemrs · 05/12/2011 06:47

Yanbu OP. I think some people are genuinely patient enough (and well off enough) to have large families. But an awful lot more do it because they probably don't give it huge amounts of thought, or simply as 'something to do'. And before I get flamed for daring to suggest such a thing, I personally know several people who decide to have baby number 3 or even 4 because 'the older ones were growing up and I need something to keep me busy!'.
Nothing wrong with a big family if you can afford it financially and emotionally- but I think many people underestimate how hard it will be.

themightyfandango · 05/12/2011 06:52

Agree with TheFrogs. It's the lack of crystal ball that lets us down. I had 3 DC when DS2 was diagnosed with SN. I was already pg with DS3 at the time. If I knew then what I know now I may well have stopped at 2. That's life though and I think the one I ended up with has made me a less judgy unlike the OP better person.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 05/12/2011 07:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 05/12/2011 07:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.