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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder why if parents are so busy and stressed and "non stop"....

344 replies

minxofmancunia · 04/12/2011 19:50

they then go on to have more children??

expecting to be flamed but read stuff on here all the time ie "eldest 2 are driving me mad, youngest being so clingy and I'm pg with dc 4"

And other similar stuff, why do it if it's so terrible?? I'm not saying don't have a moan now and again, I have 2 and have found it so exceptionally stressful and exhausting I would never have another....

but tbh some people just seem to keep producing then being all martyrish about it, fwiw I think to have more than 3 you need to be an exceptional person with a high level of stress tolerance....and a fair amount of money.

OP posts:

molly3478 · 04/12/2011 20:40

I suppose so ninkynonker but I think its more fun spacing them as you can savour every minute and always have a newborn/littley. It sounds like heaven, depends on how broody you are though as a person

Ragwort · 04/12/2011 20:43

YANBU - I also stopped at one (actually would have been happy to never even 'start' but DH was very keen ).

squeakytoy · 04/12/2011 20:44

YANBU at all.. and it is something I often wonder when I read some of those threads.

Backtobedlam · 04/12/2011 20:45

It's because everything is a phase, and the stressful bits are forgotten in an instant. I may be tearing my hair out for most of the day, but if we have a lovely cuddle at bedtime, and I peak in to see my dc's blissfully sleeping I think I could easily manage a dozen more! I think however many children you have, you'll always cope because you have to, but that doesn't mean there aren't times that you need to vent or ask advice.

LemonDifficult · 04/12/2011 20:46

YABveryU

What, you can't moan about your children if you're planning to have more?! Of course people can have a whinge.

If a university student said to you' that they were finding their course tough, you wouldn't say 'oh well, quit now', would you? Or a runner saying they were finding training for a marathon exhausting and tiring, would you say, 'well, you've got this far, you're this fit, why don't you just leave it here?'

Because you want to do more of something doesn't mean you can let off steam about what you've already got going on.

Frankly, what's needed here is just a bit of empathy from the listener, not impatient judgeyness because it happens to be Parenting as the topic.

tigerlillyd02 · 04/12/2011 20:46

I understand wanting to cram it all in quickly to get all those early phases over and done with in one go, I can see the logic - BUT if you have one and are already struggling with that child for whatever reason, why don't parents wait and spend more time getting that child through those difficult moments and ensuring they know their boundaries etc before bringing another into the equation?

coccyx · 04/12/2011 20:47

I have 4 children and the highs outweigh the lows. All good fun and not as stressful as some make out

tigerlillyd02 · 04/12/2011 20:48

If a university student said to you' that they were finding their course tough, you wouldn't say 'oh well, quit now', would you?

No, you wouldn't tell them to quit with that course - but you also wouldn't tell them to go and take on a few more courses to add to the pressure.

KittyFane · 04/12/2011 20:49

I agree with you OP. YANBU.
I am also tired of a certain friend constantly 'reminding' me how much more difficult it is to have 3 ( I have 1) both financially and practically.
She chose to have them FFS!

KittyFane · 04/12/2011 20:50

:o @ tigerlily!!!

justaboutstillhere · 04/12/2011 20:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

minxofmancunia · 04/12/2011 20:51

exactly tigerlilly what a ridiculous comparison, having children is hardly like doing a university course and you wouldn't recommend a person who just wasn't coping to do a PhD.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 04/12/2011 20:54

Yet you have a good old moan about your 2 minx! why dud you go on to have 2 dc?

And fwiw I personally don't understand why people spend months in here moaning about fuckwit fella's .... Yet do nothing about it!?! Martyrdom

KittyFane · 04/12/2011 20:56

Lemon I agree with tigerlily.

If you are finding one or two children pushes you to the limit, it is ridiculous to have more.

As for your examples, they are a bit silly. To add to what tiger said - if a marathon runner is finding training difficult and tiring you wouldn't advise him/ her to swim the chanel at the same time would you?!

Yama · 04/12/2011 20:56

I naively thought having two would be twice as hard as one. Turns out it is ten times as hard.

The thought of three is only lovely in some kind of fantasy world.

Only talking about me (obviously).

Original poster

minxofmancunia · 04/12/2011 20:57

yes I know I have a moan about my 2 and I find being a parent pretty hideous sometimes tbh, but you get a LOT on here of people pulling the sympathy card because they have a large family, or people who just aren't coping (and there is a difference, i cope but i find it tough) with the ones they have and are pg with their 4th.

OP posts:

LemonDifficult · 04/12/2011 20:58

No, it wasn't a ridiculous comparison, it was absolutely sound.

People have a view of what they want to achieve of family life (the degree I described) and then work towards that. Of course, things can change and decisions can be rethought, but in essence these are people who would like a biggish family. So that's what they're working towards.

And fair enough. They know what they're doing it for and they're the ones living in the stress. Why do you mind listening to these woes?

Can't help but feel you've been held back by your stress and are a teensy bit jealous of people who go for it. I know I am.

GypsyMoth · 04/12/2011 20:59

No, I see as many here moaning about one or two dc as 4 or more.

LemonDifficult · 04/12/2011 20:59

'If you are finding one or two children pushes you to the limit, it is ridiculous to have more.'

They are pushed to the limit. They are parenting and know that things move on and children grown up and it's all a stage.

I've explained my examples more full below about working to a goal being the goal of a larger family.

LemonDifficult · 04/12/2011 21:00

(sorry - 'aren't')

CrunchyFrog · 04/12/2011 21:01

Love my three to bits, but I am worn out. The NB phase with DC3 was especially tricky, DC2 had just come out of "super passive easy baby" into "oh shit, this kid's a maniac" stage (shortly afterwards dx'of ASD and support in place meant things got easier, but by Jupiter, DC3's first year was tough going.
Now, at 8,6 and 3 things are getting better, no more nappies for a start! But there are still days when I would cheerfully sell them.

KittyFane · 04/12/2011 21:02

I would actually love to have 4 DC but you know, we couldn't afford to, we don't have a big enough home, both of us have to work full time and I am quite honestly not up to it.
As it is, we have 1 and life is a good balance!

Original poster

minxofmancunia · 04/12/2011 21:03

I'm so so so not jealous of large families!!! I get pangs of jealously when i see the freedom of childless people occasionally.

In RL i only know 1 family of more than 3 kids, and most people i know who are parents are intelligent, capable, driven, insightful professionals. They have the acumen to know that the stress of a large family may make it miserable for them and the dcs they already have. I know of course there are exceptions (the family I know of 6 is one such exception she is wonder parent and the kids are lovely) but they are rare.

OP posts:

Ragwort · 04/12/2011 21:04

It's because everything is a phase, and the stressful bits are forgotten in an instant - no they're not - you just go from one phase to another ......... now heading towards the teenage years

IneedAChristmasNickname · 04/12/2011 21:05

I think yabu. SOmetimes, although rarely, my 2DC push me almost to my limit, and I go on fb/mn/messenger and have a nice old moan about them! Does this mean I don't want/shouldn't have anymore? No!! All parents have bad days, and just have to vent somewhere!
That said, I have a 'friend' on fb who does nothing but moan about how much hard work her ds is, and yet is also always saying she wants to find a new man and have another baby!

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