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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why if parents are so busy and stressed and "non stop"....

344 replies

minxofmancunia · 04/12/2011 19:50

they then go on to have more children??

expecting to be flamed but read stuff on here all the time ie "eldest 2 are driving me mad, youngest being so clingy and I'm pg with dc 4"

And other similar stuff, why do it if it's so terrible?? I'm not saying don't have a moan now and again, I have 2 and have found it so exceptionally stressful and exhausting I would never have another....

but tbh some people just seem to keep producing then being all martyrish about it, fwiw I think to have more than 3 you need to be an exceptional person with a high level of stress tolerance....and a fair amount of money.

OP posts:
tigerlillyd02 · 04/12/2011 21:07

crunchyfrog are you planning another now? :)

KittyFane · 04/12/2011 21:08

Lemon- People have a view of what they want to achieve of family life
What I want to achieve ( to have a big family, be a SAHM, be mortgage free) is different to what is realistic in my life.
It is irresponsible to just go for it regardless of your ability to support lots of DC either financially or emotionally.

GypsyMoth · 04/12/2011 21:08

Minx... Fo you think the same of families with a SN child?

lockets · 04/12/2011 21:09

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ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 04/12/2011 21:10

Yanbu

Original poster
minxofmancunia · 04/12/2011 21:12

sara no of course not...if you have an sn child you do your best for them and I can completely understand why you'd want a sibling or 2...but not 5 or more if I'm honest.

OP posts:
lockets · 04/12/2011 21:12

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GypsyMoth · 04/12/2011 21:15

Yeah lockerts!! I agree with that! People I see here moaning.... And there are one or two who do so consistently.....they have 1 or 2.

Where are these larger families who can't cope then?? Don't see them myself, probably too busy getting on with it!

MorrisZapp · 04/12/2011 21:16

I'm glad you said it OP, very brave. YANBU.

The thing is, having a kid will wake you up big time to the reality of what is involved. I don't get people who find it hard going on to have more then saying things like 'I've got 3 under 6' or whatever and ask for the kind of sympathy you'd give somebody who had had some bad luck.

I see millions of threads on here where I want to ask 'why didn't you stop at one if it's so hard for you' but obviously is hardly helpful if somebody is already struggling.

I do find parenting very hard, so I will not be having any more.

It just defies logic to walk into something again that I already know is so difficult.

LemonDifficult · 04/12/2011 21:16

'What I want to achieve ( to have a big family, be a SAHM, be mortgage free) is different to what is realistic in my life.
It is irresponsible to just go for it regardless of your ability to support lots of DC either financially or emotionally.'

Ah, isn't that a different question from the OP, though? Not being actually able to do it, is different from being stressed and having a moan about doing it. I don't think we really are talking about irresponsibility here, are we? I thought we were just talking about stressed out whingers.

Of course, if you are unable to look after the children you've got you shouldn't have more to neglect them or damage them. However, that is extreme and I don't think comes under 'martyrish'.

scaevola · 04/12/2011 21:16

Actually, I think the key bit of the quotation in OP is "and I am pregnant".

It's not necessarily the demands of the existing children, it's that determined little one in utero who may be causing (quite directly) and physically the exhaustion.

Original poster
minxofmancunia · 04/12/2011 21:18

lockets the families I know live to their means both their financial means and their own emotional means and they know that having multiple children would place too stressful an impact on a family.

It's just an observation...I admit I may be biased, like I said I know one family of 6 but they are truly exceptional.

OP posts:
LemonDifficult · 04/12/2011 21:19

Minxofmancunia- "In RL i only know 1 family of more than 3 kids, and most people i know who are parents are intelligent, capable, driven, insightful professionals."

OP, face it. That was spiked with bitterness - what's the root of that? You can't seriously believe people who go on to have more children don't have those attributes, or you'd be showing yourself up to lack them.

lockets · 04/12/2011 21:20

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Sidge · 04/12/2011 21:20

IME the women that constantly moan the most about how hard parenting their child/ren is, are the ones that seem the least effective at it.

I think if some of them did more, and whinged less, they might find being a mum a bit more enjoyable and possibly easier.

(I'm not talking about the day to day low level offloading that most of us do, but the constant "oh woe is me my life is so hard and my children so difficult" stuff)

lockets · 04/12/2011 21:21

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OriginalChristmasPoster · 04/12/2011 21:22

I think

If parents are so busy and stressed and non stop...

They should do less, regardless of the number of children they have. Nearly everyone I meet is 'busy' and complaining about it, but plenty of the things they do are completely unnecessary. Obviously people have to work and look after their homes and families, but some of the so called leisure activities seem to stress people out unnecessarily.

I think some people have 2 close together and it goes ok, lots of breatfeeding, slings and buggies, then they get pg with dc3 when the oldest has just turned 2, and they are surprised how hard two toddlers and a newborn is.

I still think its good that people who are struggling can come on here and ask for advice, although 'don't have any more' is more constructive than you shouldn't have had them...

KittyFane · 04/12/2011 21:23

lemon If you can afford/ cope with lots of DC- go for it.
I'd love a big family but I couldn't just go for it regardless.

Original poster
minxofmancunia · 04/12/2011 21:24

lemon you're reading things into things I've said I'm making observations....based on my experience, both personally and professionally tbh. I'm sure parents of larger families have those attributes too, I just don't know them. The parents i know are totally aware of their own limitations. If your limitation is 5 so be it....for most people I think they realise that would be too much.

I've toyed with the idea of 3 but know it would be too much, esp the giving birth bit, and I've got a fear it might be twins Grin

OP posts:
KittyFane · 04/12/2011 21:26

minx Exactly. Know your limitations.

lockets · 04/12/2011 21:28

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GypsyMoth · 04/12/2011 21:28

Minx... Don't you think it would be easier if the other partner pulled their weight?? Mumsnetters moan about dc, but more complaints are made here about DH/dp's who LACK!!

I find that v worrying, and makes me so so glad I'm a lone parent! Oh, are you including us lone parents in this too?

GypsyMoth · 04/12/2011 21:30

Lockets..... And of course these parents of soooo many children are too dim to work out how to turn the tv on!! That's a line trotted out so much it's boring! 'don't you have a tv' yawn!!

Grin
naturalbaby · 04/12/2011 21:32

are you telling me there are people out there who aren't stressed?
there are parents who aren't busy and stressed??

we all cope, no matter how many kids we have. we just have to. if i wasn't struggling along with my kids i'd be moaning and struggling about something else.
i had 3 under 3, i wonder how i make it through some days. where's my medal?!?

Original poster
minxofmancunia · 04/12/2011 21:34

sara that is a whole other subject, women who's partners lack and in fact it's like having another child. My 2 single Mum friends have actually found it easier in some ways because they no longer have to pander to the whims of spoilt self obsessed man-children.

However some women actively enable this behaviour in their partners by treating them like children and insisting on control, infantalising them then moaning when they don't take the initiative. Hmm

Saying that some of the stuff in relationships is hideous and I hope they find a way out of their problems.

OP posts: