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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why if parents are so busy and stressed and "non stop"....

344 replies

minxofmancunia · 04/12/2011 19:50

they then go on to have more children??

expecting to be flamed but read stuff on here all the time ie "eldest 2 are driving me mad, youngest being so clingy and I'm pg with dc 4"

And other similar stuff, why do it if it's so terrible?? I'm not saying don't have a moan now and again, I have 2 and have found it so exceptionally stressful and exhausting I would never have another....

but tbh some people just seem to keep producing then being all martyrish about it, fwiw I think to have more than 3 you need to be an exceptional person with a high level of stress tolerance....and a fair amount of money.

OP posts:
LeQueen · 05/12/2011 21:22

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Bogeyface · 05/12/2011 21:43

LeQ (Wotcha!) you are absolutely right.

I dont tolerate bad behaviour from any of mine. I have always been strict about bedtimes (that bit me on the arse on Friday when my 6 month old screamed through her brothers 21st as she wanted to be in bed Blush ), manners etc I can take them anywhere. As you may remember, I have 54 weeks between DC4 and DC5 so I understand the "almost but not quite twins" thing!

But I know people who live in "childrens rules" households and their lives are sheer hell! Everything they do is to keep the child/ren happy so they do struggle more than I do and that has nothing to do with numbers. My Grandma had 5 children and was one of 8 and she was strict but caring, as was her mum. My Great Aunt had 7 and was run ragged, infact it is considered as fact within the family that it was her childrens appalling behaviour that led her to an early grave.

Coping or not coping has nothing to do with how many you have.

Bogeyface · 05/12/2011 21:44

Curious though LeQ...why the (shudders)?

nativitywreck · 05/12/2011 21:45

OK bogeyface, I see what you mean. I definitely think it's such a personal thing, how many you can cope with, and I know for a fact that two is my max! Although having grown up with lots I can see that more doesn't have to be a nightmare-if you are cut out for it.

nativitywreck · 05/12/2011 21:48

Although because I want two it doesn't mean I struggle-mostly it's lovely, I just need lots of me time!

LeQueen · 05/12/2011 21:51

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Bogeyface · 05/12/2011 21:52

Oh I agree Nativity, it all comes down to whether you are cut out for it. If you're not then dont keep having kids (as I have to agree, some people seem to do). I was just trying to say that not all people with large families struggle, we moan about the same things that every other parent does, but as we have more there is a chance that we will do the "sick of my stroppy teen" or whatever a bit more often!

LeQueen · 05/12/2011 21:53

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Bogeyface · 05/12/2011 21:58

I dont get the negotiation, I really dont!

I have a friend that has to have major discussions with her 4 year old every night over what the whole family will have for dinner. She said she envies me that mine will (mostly, barring the odd tantrum that gets no reaction) eat what is put in front of them. I have tried to tell her that its because I made it non-negotiable, but she really struggles with the concept of saying no and following it through.

She is so unhappy most of the time and doesnt enjoy the children she jumps through hoops to please and that is so sad. Mine are fab and we have so much fun and I feel so sorry that she doesnt have that too :(

Bogeyface · 05/12/2011 21:58

Fairy nuff, just being nosey :)

Bogeyface · 05/12/2011 22:03

Reading back my post about negotiation has made me think of my SILs. One in particular is spectacularly demanding, stroppy and, seems to me, unhappy. They (inc DH) never heard the word no, it was all negotiation which ended up with the kids winning. She is now a 40+ adult that has never been able to cope with being disagreed with. It has made for one failed marriage and one unhappy relationship (that she is still in but he wont marry her, I suspect he is still there purely for their child). Most of her friends have fallen out with her, her family are sick of her, and she has lost jobs because of it. But her mum still backs her up and blames everyone else. Thats what my friends children are looking at for a future and thats the saddest thing of all :(

CheerfulYank · 05/12/2011 22:03

I'm the same but I think it's because I want 4. If DH and I are going to be outnumbered, it's going to have to be like the Army...follow orders without question! Wink Plus, I don't really enjoy the company of bratty children.

Bogeyface · 05/12/2011 22:05

cheerful I wasnt going to post this but what the hell! My nickname within the family is "The Baron" after Baron Von Trapp! I dont blow a whistle and they all line up, but its close :o

LeQueen · 05/12/2011 22:08

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LeQueen · 05/12/2011 22:12

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CheerfulYank · 05/12/2011 22:17

:o Bogey . I mean, I'm certainly open to discussion, but it comes down to "because I'm the mother, and this is the way I want it." I have friends who hate saying "because I said so," but lots of things just are because I said so.

CheerfulYank · 05/12/2011 22:18

Lately with all my mumsnetting my threat has been "DS, do I need to put the laptop down and come over there?" Blush

The answer is always no. :o

Bogeyface · 05/12/2011 22:19

:o Sounds familiar! Mum rang me once when DS was being a PITA about his dinner, was trying his luck with grandma I suspect, and I said to put him on the phone. I head a "no!! Tell her I am eating my dinner!" and she said he started to eat his dinner as good as gold!

I suspect we both come across as tyrants, but I know you and I both have happy and above all, secure children :) I love my children and love their company, I cant imagine how unhappy I would be if I didnt have that joy in their existence.

Bogeyface · 05/12/2011 22:20

I use the phrase "you dont always need to know why, you just need to know that I do it because its best for you"

annoys them no end, but its the truth!

LeQueen · 05/12/2011 22:22

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CheerfulYank · 05/12/2011 22:22

Totally agree. I would hate it if I had to fight with DS all the time. I mean, he isn't always an angel, but he does listen and he does behave in public with no whining or nonsense.

LeQueen · 05/12/2011 22:28

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LeQueen · 05/12/2011 22:30

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Almostfifty · 05/12/2011 22:35

You either cope with children, no matter how many you have, or you don't it seems to me.

My four were brought up extremely strictly, because I was alone most of each week because of my husband's job, so I had to be firm and never let them get away with anything.

I too had times when we marched them out of restaurants and didn't go out for months and months, but overall, we were frequently complimented on their behaviour when we were out.

They're now all almost grown-up and lovely.

topknob · 05/12/2011 22:36

Having just one child is asking for stress, two is generally fine, three well you always get one who is difficult anymore thereafter just slot in imo !