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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why if parents are so busy and stressed and "non stop"....

344 replies

minxofmancunia · 04/12/2011 19:50

they then go on to have more children??

expecting to be flamed but read stuff on here all the time ie "eldest 2 are driving me mad, youngest being so clingy and I'm pg with dc 4"

And other similar stuff, why do it if it's so terrible?? I'm not saying don't have a moan now and again, I have 2 and have found it so exceptionally stressful and exhausting I would never have another....

but tbh some people just seem to keep producing then being all martyrish about it, fwiw I think to have more than 3 you need to be an exceptional person with a high level of stress tolerance....and a fair amount of money.

OP posts:
thebigkahuna · 05/12/2011 14:55

Grin I'm kahuna, I meant folkgirl Grin

TroublesomeEx · 05/12/2011 14:56

And that molly!

DS suddenly became really popular at 7 when he suddenly had a baby to show off in the playground. "Oh she's so cute!"

By the time DD was 10 months old, one of his friends had announced he was going to marry her when she was older!

lockets · 05/12/2011 14:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TroublesomeEx · 05/12/2011 15:05

Grin @ kahuna (you know what they say about talking to yourself....) Wink

Maybe that was just them though. I suppose a lot depends on whether you're into the same sort of things too.

DS is very much into art, music, drama. If DD was very much into sport I can see that they wouldn't have such a close relationship as they get older, but then that would be the case whatever their ages. As it is, she has the same interests as he does and they are very supportive of each other. They just adore each other. I can't imagine how they could be any closer.

DH has 2 cousins who are 18 months apart and they do get on brilliantly, but then they have amazing parents who handled sibling conflicts well. My parents were both only children and had no idea how to resolve sibling conflict so encouraged rivalry and caused problems between us well into our teens. They still 'try' now and we just ignore it!

I have a friend who has 20 months between herself and her brother and they never speak.

I don't think there's any right or wrong answer. Everyone is going to have their own experiences.

I don't know how my children's relationship would be different if the age gap was smaller, you don't know how yours would get on if the relationship was bigger.

From my own experience, I always wanted a larger gap between my children than my parents had between me and my brother. I did worry about about 7 years, but you can't control when it happens! And so far, I have absolutely no regrets or reservations. So all is well in our house at least! Grin

thebigkahuna · 05/12/2011 15:11

I still love having a smaller gap. Loved it when they were small - no school run to worry about, DD2 was portable and came along to all the activities I did with DD1, grew up with the music class she attends without DD1 now DD1 is at preschool.

Grew up with all DD1s little friends and their siblings and loves spending time with them.

I guess half of that is down to the benefit of me not working and therefore them spending a lot of time together, which they wouldn't have if I'd gone back to work and they were both a nursery or school or whatever separately.

I look at how much DD1 LOVES her sister, loves to play with her, loves to paint with her, to push her on the swings and I can't picture her still being an only child at this age. Just seems a little bit sterile TO ME.

BUt then, Bonsoir's post was inititally about having a big age gap so it's less stressful for the parents - and I much prefer my toddler having a playmate so I don't have to do all the playing. That I WOULD find stressful Wink

CheerfulYank · 05/12/2011 15:11

I think there are advantages or disadvantages either way.

I planned on having small gaps. Now I have one DS, age 4.4, and we are talking about trying in the next few months. I would have loved to have two or three at this point, however having just the three of us in our little family for this long has been lovely in its own way.

Thinkingof4 · 05/12/2011 15:14

I suppose your age gaps might depend on what age you were when you had your first- I was 28 so in order to fit in 3 ( or 4!) I have gaps of 28 and 22 months ( m/c between 1 and 2 or would have been 24 months)

CheerfulYank · 05/12/2011 15:14

My friend is the same way kahuna. She has two DDs about 13 months apart. They are always together and it's really nice to see.

MosEisley · 05/12/2011 15:14

We all make choices in life and then like to have a good old moan (on MN or in RL) about how annoying / stressful / hard work it is to live with those consequences. Why are people having large families any different to anyone else who does this, e.g. someone who doesn't like their job, doesn't quit, but keeps on moaning about how stressful it is?

TroublesomeEx · 05/12/2011 15:17

Kahuna Ah yes a playmate for DS would have been nice...

but I really liked the fact that when I did stuff with him, there was no little sister/brother to take my attention away from him.

And now I have that with DD and they have a great relationship.

It's not going to be the same though.

I think that ultimately, we each did what was best for us as parents and so far, that has been beneficial to our children. We both deserve a pat on the back for that!! Grin

bonkersLFDT20 · 05/12/2011 15:18

DNA

CheerfulYank · 05/12/2011 15:18

That's true as well Thinking. I'd just turned 25 a month before DS was born, so I feel like I've got lots of time...however, with 30 staring me in the face this spring, maybe I'd better get started! :o

Bonsoir · 05/12/2011 15:23

kahuna - DSS1 was 9 when DD was born, which meant he could always be entrusted with her care for short periods. Big age gaps = built in babysitting!

TroublesomeEx · 05/12/2011 15:23

Ooh yes, Cheerful. I had DS when I was nearly 24 and DD when I was 31!

Nothing like having children to make your life flash before your eyes!

thebigkahuna · 05/12/2011 15:24

Free babysitting is always a winner bonsoir Grin

RainboweBrite · 05/12/2011 16:44

I completely agree, OP, and have often wondered the same thing. I only have 1,but quite honestly sometimes find him harder work than the Reception class I used to teach.
Also, I think it's not that uncommon to still feel stressed the next morning after a hard day.

Dirtydishesmakemesad · 05/12/2011 18:44

I am pregnant with dc5. Sometimes i moan about one or the other of my children doing this or that everyone gets fed up days even if 99% of them are great. The only place i have ever had negative or rude comments about my family is on mumsnet so a place where people dont personally know us.
I love having a bigger family and tbh honest in general i dont find it that hard (we HAVE had hard times - but these are caused by thngs like illness not family size) .
I did once in my earlier mumsnet days post a post (i think it was in aibu?) pretty much saing i dont get why people keep assuming my life is so hard having 4dc and lets just say it didnt go down well i was called all sorts but really that would be the opposite post to the ones you talk about.
So if mothers with more children post about how they find it easy they get insults and abuse if they post about how they find it hard they get the same...

thebigkahuna · 05/12/2011 19:22

Just seen the thread that so obviously inspired this one! Bad form OP!

Vicki1981 · 05/12/2011 19:30

Because we say it all but we love being mummies no matter how hard and tiring it can get we know it's all part of the course.

Bogeyface · 05/12/2011 19:46

I know that one Dirtydishes

God forbid we should say that we find it easy to have a large family! We are obviously either neglecting them, paying for staff to look after them and the house or lying!

It cant be that people who struggle to cope with 2 are jealous can it?! :o

lockets · 05/12/2011 20:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nativitywreck · 05/12/2011 20:51

I don't think anyone is jealous.
I wanted two. I may, if I am lucky have two, but I really wouldn't want five, and I am one of 6!
It's a bit smug really to assume someone is jealous because they can't understand why people who can't seem to manage two, then go on to have more.
OP wasn't actually slagging people who have large families.

lockets · 05/12/2011 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bogeyface · 05/12/2011 20:56

Nativity

Please dont misunderstand me, I wasnt saying everyone with a smaller family is jealous of people with larger families, sorry if thats how it came across.

I was referring to the people dirtydishes mentioned, that had a go at her for saying she didnt find it hard. I have been on the end of that too, and it has usually come from people who cant cope with one or two and I feel that they must have issues with their own parenting to be angry that I/we dont find it hard to have 4,5,6 or more.

4madboys · 05/12/2011 21:11

i am one of 2, and dp is also one of 2, we have 5, we always wanted 4, then got to four and had one more, dd is our bonus baby and an absolute joy, one today!! and just doted on by her brothers.

i know parents of two who find it hard and its often the parents of two who say 'HOW do you do it' well fairly easily most of the time, you just get on with it! its not like you can give them back again! and we have always been consistent when it comes to parenting, certain behaviour is not tolerated and so far the four boys are all pretty well behaved and we get lots of compliments on how polite and well mannered they are :)

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