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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder why if parents are so busy and stressed and "non stop"....

344 replies

minxofmancunia · 04/12/2011 19:50

they then go on to have more children??

expecting to be flamed but read stuff on here all the time ie "eldest 2 are driving me mad, youngest being so clingy and I'm pg with dc 4"

And other similar stuff, why do it if it's so terrible?? I'm not saying don't have a moan now and again, I have 2 and have found it so exceptionally stressful and exhausting I would never have another....

but tbh some people just seem to keep producing then being all martyrish about it, fwiw I think to have more than 3 you need to be an exceptional person with a high level of stress tolerance....and a fair amount of money.

OP posts:

choceyes · 05/12/2011 14:35

Totally agree Bonsoir. 21 months between mine and it is hard work and I wish I had a larger gap to truely enjoy both DCs and give each of them quality time. I feel like I have missed out on my DS's toddlerhood in the first year of my DDs birth. I love spending time with each on their own, both of them together it hard work and nobody gets much quality time.
DD was unplanned so we were actually going to stop at one, although was undecided at the time.

YANBU OP. We have stopped at 2 (DH's had a vasectomy) as we don't want to relive the baby and toddler years, no way!
I can't judge anyone else for having more than 2, but for me personally, 2 is the maximum amount of children I can bring up and go a good job of. They don't need anymore siblings and I'd rather invest the time and money I'd spend on more to enhance the lives of the children I already have.

Bonsoir · 05/12/2011 14:36

My DD is seven years younger than DSS2 and nine years younger than DSS1. She has plenty in common with both of them; indeed, she and DSS2 are going on holiday together next summer for three weeks!

thebigkahuna · 05/12/2011 14:37

Aren't they lucky then Bonsoir. None of that changes anything for my schoolfriends though, sadly.

wordfactory · 05/12/2011 14:37

Well I have twins .
And yes, I think we coped admirably...but I would not pretend it is ideal either for Mum or babies.

Later on though, it has much to recommend it. Not for us the merry dance of trying to find thigs that suit everyone iyswim. Choices for days out, holidays, leisure activities are realtively easy.

Bonsoir · 05/12/2011 14:39

I don't think having things in common with siblings has anything to do with age gaps. My father comes from a family of five with 20 years between the eldest and the youngest child; he gets on far better with his sister who is 9 years younger than him and his brother who is 17 years younger than him than with his elder brother and his other sister, who are both closer in age to him.

I don't get on very well with my sister and she is 2 years younger than me!

choceyes · 05/12/2011 14:40

My DH has more in common and gets on better with his brother who is 11yrs younger to him , than with his sister who is 21 months younger than him.

I myself is an only child...and I loved it!

Moominsarescary · 05/12/2011 14:40

Like I said earlier ds1 is 16 , ds2 is 8 and ds 3 is 8 months, so big age gaps between them, there would have been 10 and a half months between ds 3 and ds4 but he was born too early at 20 weeks.

Ds1 and 2 had nothing in common and are only now starting to enjoy each others company and do things together. It can be difficult finding things to do and places to go that they all enjoy with such a big age gap.

TroublesomeEx · 05/12/2011 14:41

It's not always the way though Kahuna that an age difference means they have nothing in common.

My DS is 12 and DD is 5. They are incredibly close. They play lego together, Dr Who often goes round to the dolls house for dinner, they make dens together, bake together and do chores together. She goes and watches his choir/drama group perform, he watches her ballet and introduces her to cool music they can dance to together. They have sleepovers in each other's rooms. He enjoys making short films, she enjoys being in them/watching them. They are incredibly proud of each other and often tell each other so! They still squabble and argue and irritate each other but they also get on beautifully.

They have a lovely relationship with each other and with us.

I'm surprised that children with a 5 year age difference had "nothing in common at all". I had plenty of friends with 5 year age differences between their siblings who got on really well.

There were 35 months between my brother and I. We despised each other until adulthood.

I think that whatever the relationship between the children, it has far more to do with the kind of relationship the parents have nurtured and encouraged rather than the age difference.

choceyes · 05/12/2011 14:42

wordfactory - yes I hope with a small age gap, in the future, life would be easier for us as they will hopefully want to do the same things, and be interested in the same things. Also they will be only 1yr apart in school years and DD is Aug born, so only one year of having to juggle nursery V school pickups.

wordfactory · 05/12/2011 14:42

I think it's important to ask yourself what sort of person you are and what sort of family life you want to create.

For some that will include the cut and thrust of having lots of children and their varying demands to deal with.

But for others, that will not be part of what they want/can deal with...and it is those people who then still go on to have more DC who mystify me.

TroublesomeEx · 05/12/2011 14:44

Exactly wordfactory.

lockets · 05/12/2011 14:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

molly3478 · 05/12/2011 14:46

I dont think as lequeen states it matters how many kids you have got. You can make 1 child sit at the table and eat properly jus easily as you can have 25 children doing it. As long as you use the right strategies, we do it in work all the time even children who are 3 who have never used cutlery, sat at the table etc who are seriously deprived/neglected. You can turn any of them round petty quickly so if you ate used to it you can cope as easily with 3/4/5 as you can less.

choceyes · 05/12/2011 14:47

My DS 3yrs is always trying to hurt and annoy DD. This is the main reason why it's such hard work being with both of them at the same time. Most of my time is spend telling DS off for annoying his sister. When DD is not around, DS is absolutely an angel and such an easy toddler. Bring DD on the scene, he is very hard work. Just this weekend I went away with DD and DS stayed with DH, and both me and DH said who easy it was to look after one child each. WOuld love some tips on how to encourage DS to like DD more, even to just leave her alone.

stealthsquiggle · 05/12/2011 14:47

I know that I don't have the physical or mental energy for more than 2 - not with FT work as well, at any rate. I admire those that do, but I don't actually know anyone in RL with 3 or more DC where both parents work FT, except one family who have 2 nannies (parents very very involved with the DC, and no criticism at all whatsoever implied, just that they have 2 job-sharing nannies to cover the 6 days a week + evenings childcare which they sometimes need due to 2 unpredictable jobs). We would both have to earn a lot more to cover that - so no DC3 for us.

TroublesomeEx · 05/12/2011 14:47

I don't think either way is better either, lockets. I only have a large age gap and no plans for any more so I've no idea what it would be like to have a smaller age gap.

There are advantages and disadvantages to both. Horses for courses and all that!

thebigkahuna · 05/12/2011 14:48

I think you missed the bit where I said 'schoolfriends' as in, when I was at school.

As in, 7 year olds who had no interest in doing the kind of things a 2 year old likes to do.

wordfactory · 05/12/2011 14:48

I think in time, DC can of course discover what they have in common with their siblings of any age. But this takes the maturity of knowing what it is you like and want...rather than just a current phase or wanting to do somehting because that's what the eldest is doing.

Before that age arrives though, age gaps can cause headaches. The Ten year old wants to see Harry Potter, the three eyar old is frightened of Voldemort. The twelve year old can cycle five miles, the four year old is still on stablisers. The sixteen eyar old wants to play Assasins Creed, the eleven year old is nott allowed etc etc...not insurmoutable of course but irritations I think.

To a large extent small gaps avoid this thus making life easier in this regard. Or so I've found anyway.

Bonsoir · 05/12/2011 14:49

I think people are sometimes under sub-conscious cultural or familial pressure to have a lot of DC. Certainly, here in France many bourgeois Catholic families have four children as a matter of course - four children are a status symbol; fewer than four, and you are somehow not quite up to scratch!

I was the other day to drop DD and another child off at the apartment of another of their classmates for lunch. The mother of this classmate is a former classmate of my DP, so they go way back, and she is, to all appearances, a model bourgeoise with four children, an über high-flying career, DH ditto, an apartment in a high-prestige location and all the activities and accoutrements of the bourgeois lifestyle. It was somewhat of a let down to find that the family lived in a, albeit large, hovel! I suppose something had to give in the very ambitious lifestyle...

molly3478 · 05/12/2011 14:49

I think a lot of the time you want to create your own family. I am 4 years and 5 months difference from my brother and we are teh closest two siblings I have ever met. More like twins than I think you want to recreate what you had so (hopefully!) your kids will have the same strong relationships and that is often why people choose certain age gaps.

molly3478 · 05/12/2011 14:52

bigkahuna - I think that age gap works well if you have a child who loves little children. I loved being 7 when my bro was 2 and we did everything together. All your school mates love it cause you have a real baby to play with!

TroublesomeEx · 05/12/2011 14:52

Kahuna - 2 year olds play 'alongside' rather than 'with' other children anyway, so that wouldn't matter.

By the time they get to 11 and 4 and older there are plenty of things they can do together.

thebigkahuna · 05/12/2011 14:53

Molly, I think that's true about recreating your own family.

Anecdotally, the people who seem to have less angst about having a third dc, are those who come from larger families themselves, so I guess it seems more normal.

thebigkahuna · 05/12/2011 14:53

the people I know that is.

thebigkahuna · 05/12/2011 14:54

Kahuna - nope, they didn't ever really seem to grow into those relationships where they did a lot together. Sorry, but no.

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