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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be outraged that DH has been to a strip club? May contain TMI

233 replies

KiwiJean · 04/12/2011 10:40

AIBU?

DH had a work Christmas party on Friday night. He rocked up boozed, at 4.30am. Stayed in bed until after 10am (we have two children under 3years old).

Anyway, when I was tiding up his clothes, noticed that they smelt strongly of perfume. I asked him why later that night. He said that the girls coats were all piled on top of his, so that must be why his coat smelt of perfume. I said that it was his clothes that smelt, not his coat. And it transpired he had been to a strip club.

His jeans really reek of perfume, so while he's denying it, he's obviously had a few lap dances. I'm not happy about this. But the real clincher is that this morning while I was putting on the washing, I noticed that his undies had gis in them! He had tried to rinse them, as they were all wet, but the evidence was clearly still there.

I am not happy that he's paid some stripper to rub herself up against him, and I am def not happy that he's got carried away! I don't even know if he didn't pay extra for a happy ending.

He says the gis is from a wank after he got home, but I doubt that every much. Why would you do that in your underpants?!

I feel my trust in him has been betrayed. Am I over reacting?

OP posts:
rainbowinthesky · 04/12/2011 10:42

No, you are not overreacting. If my dh did this it would be the end for us.

PsecretPsanta · 04/12/2011 10:44

Urgh.

I am fairly liberal, but that's just seedy.

YANBU.

Kayano · 04/12/2011 10:45

Normally I am very 'meh' and laid back but in this case

  1. he tried to lie
  2. you don't reek of perfume from just going to a lap dancing place suggesting he is still lying
  3. he tried to get rid of evidence on his underpants
  4. ewwww
LaurieFairyCake · 04/12/2011 10:45

My husband and I had long discussions before we committed to a relationship about what behaviour we would be happy with and expectations.

This would have been in my 'won't live with this' list (to me is it orgasming in your pants while being masturbated by another woman) - is it yours OP?

MenopausalHaze · 04/12/2011 10:46

I think you'll find the word is 'jizz'

HTH

LikeAnAdventCandleButNotQuite · 04/12/2011 10:46

In answer directly to your question, YABU. My opinion though. I wouldn't be miffed if my DH went to a strip club. Much the same as I would not expect him to be miffed if I had been to, say a hen do with a stripper.

HOWEVER (before I get flamed). If said trip resulted in what you subsequently describe, I would be livid. Therefore, in response to the wider situation, YAdefNBU

Tigerstripes · 04/12/2011 10:46

I'm not sure how I'd feel about this tbh. I think I'd feel upset, particularly as he is lying about it. I know men dongonto these places and it most often has nothing to do with how they feel about their relationship but as I say, it's the lying. He either knows you would be upset and/or he feels guilty. So I would say that YANBU yoferl betrayed.
Are you going to say anything else to him? Did he act/look guilty when you spoke to him before?

MajorBumsore · 04/12/2011 10:47

Jesus, that's really quite bad OP.
I have very strong feelings about men who use women in this way-and they ain't good feelings if you know what I mean...

Tigerstripes · 04/12/2011 10:48

do go

Jemma1111 · 04/12/2011 11:01

How can you be sure he even went to a strip club?

He's clearly lying to you and obviously will tell you a story that he feels might eventually get him off the hook with you. Sorry to say but I would guess he's probably got a little too close to one of his 'work friends' instead and is using the 'strip club' as an excuse for all the 'evidence' you have found.

Hope I'm wrong.

Original poster
KiwiJean · 04/12/2011 11:03

He apologised for going to the strip club last night, and said he didn't have any lap dances, and the perfume was on his clothes because the strippers try and entice you into having a lap dance by rubbing up against you. He said that I wouldn't know about their underhand techniques because I've not been to one Hmm.

I only noticed the underpants after he left this morning to take some equipment into the office. I called him, and that's when he came out with the wank at home explanation.

He cheated on me (one night stand), before we got married. It's taken a long time to build up my trust in him again. When I questioned him about the perfume on his clothes, I was actually just trying to wind him up, as I assumed he went to a night club and was dancing with his colleagues. I hadnt expected him to have actually gotten up to anything.

What a prick.

OP posts:
Original poster
KiwiJean · 04/12/2011 11:06

Jemma, I thought the same. And rifled through his iPhone last night. There was an email from a workmate to about 8 others asking whether they had all arrived home safely from Red Rooms. Google search later, there is a Red Room strip club in Holborn.

Needless to say, I did a reply-all to his workmates telling them to avoid the sleaze and to spend the time with their wives.

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 04/12/2011 11:17

I would be more angry about the lying than the deed itself, which is sleazy as hell but just this side of the borderline for breaking up (for me at least). But to think that you're stupid enough to buy that wank in his pants line. He needs to get real and start treating you with some respect. Although it must be confusing for stupid men, trying to respect women and get lapdances from them.

FoxyRoxy · 04/12/2011 11:17

He should come clean about having had lapdances. Maybe in his drunken state he couldn't control himself when faced with a naked woman gyrating in front of him and he had an "accident" in the way a 13 year old boy would.

If you have already discussed (previously to the night out at any point) that if he went to strip clubs that he wouldn't have private dances then yanbu, he has broken your trust again and is now lying about it.

If you have never talked about it then he wouldn't probably see any issue with having private dances, especially drunk when common sense goes missing. The jizz in pants is just secondary and to be honest just really embarrassing. He's lying about it now as he's realised it's something you're not happy with.

SquidgyBiscuits · 04/12/2011 11:19

I have no issue at all with either my DH or anybody else going to a strip club. I've been loads of times myself, and have never stunk of perfume after a lapdance, so I'd be surprised if that was the source of the scent.

YABVU for rifling through his phone and even moreso for replying to his emails. Trust is a 2 way street, and clearly you don't have much of it for him to feel the need to lie to you and for you to feel the need to rifle through his phone.

pictish · 04/12/2011 11:21

Needless to say, I did a reply-all to his workmates telling them to avoid the sleaze and to spend the time with their wives.

You did what??

Needless to say??!

Needless to say, that was inappropriate and overbearing of you.

Missingfriendsandsad · 04/12/2011 11:22

You inspect his underpants for jizz ??! wtf Xmas Shock

jellybeans · 04/12/2011 11:25

YANBU I would be the same. I hate strip clubs and the acceptence people have over them these days. It's all wrong.

rainbowinthesky · 04/12/2011 11:25

I am gobsmacked you searched his mail and then sent that message. Your relationship sounds pretty fucked up tbh.

randommoment · 04/12/2011 11:26

YANBU. Yeuch. He's been to a legalised brothel and lied about it. Still, he's obviously a bad liar - a successful philanderer would have hid the evidence a lot more effectively - so at least you can be reasonably certain it hasn't happened before. He's probably lying because he's ashamed of himself and can't face the (perfectly justified) flaming he knows he deserves.

randommoment · 04/12/2011 11:27

OTH you've lost the moral high ground with the emailing...

Original poster
KiwiJean · 04/12/2011 11:28

I agree the email was overbearing and shitty. But to be honest, I'm clearly hugely immature and think that if he's going to mess with me, then I'll fight fire with fire. It's not going to improve the situation, but it makes me feel less of a stupid, stay at home mummy who's husband can go out and do whatever he likes with no consequences.

Fortunately it wasn't a jizz inspection (thank you for correct spelling!), but they were wet in the washing basket, which made me pick them up and look at them. I look at most stuff going into the washing machine because my kids clothes need a lot of stain removal!

I regret sending the email.

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 04/12/2011 11:29

Yanbu. I am against the whole concept and would massively lose respect for DH for anything like this behaviour. He would not be the man I thought/think he was/is.

anastaisia · 04/12/2011 11:40

I think I'd consider this cheating. Without even getting into my feelings about lap dancing clubs, to me the perfume and ummmm, evidence? in the underwear would say to me that boundaries had actually been crossed between appreciating how other people look and actually acting on it. Wouldn't make a difference (that is it wouldn't make me feel better about it) that it was probably a paid dancer and not a workmate or similar.

Not that there's anything wrong with people deciding to have relationships where you aren't monogamous, if everyone involved is fine with it. But you haven't - someone up thread said that if you haven't talked about going strip clubs and having private dances he shouldn't have been expected to know not to - I'd think it should be the other way round in a respectful relationship myself. That unless you've talked about it and know the other person is HAPPY with it you don't cross those boundaries and just hope that they will be, you check things out first?

frikonastick · 04/12/2011 11:45

wow. am fascinated that people seem more outraged by your sending an inappropriate email, than your husband coming in his pants while another woman rubs him off. (which apparently can also happen by 'accident')

amazing.