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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be outraged that DH has been to a strip club? May contain TMI

233 replies

KiwiJean · 04/12/2011 10:40

AIBU?

DH had a work Christmas party on Friday night. He rocked up boozed, at 4.30am. Stayed in bed until after 10am (we have two children under 3years old).

Anyway, when I was tiding up his clothes, noticed that they smelt strongly of perfume. I asked him why later that night. He said that the girls coats were all piled on top of his, so that must be why his coat smelt of perfume. I said that it was his clothes that smelt, not his coat. And it transpired he had been to a strip club.

His jeans really reek of perfume, so while he's denying it, he's obviously had a few lap dances. I'm not happy about this. But the real clincher is that this morning while I was putting on the washing, I noticed that his undies had gis in them! He had tried to rinse them, as they were all wet, but the evidence was clearly still there.

I am not happy that he's paid some stripper to rub herself up against him, and I am def not happy that he's got carried away! I don't even know if he didn't pay extra for a happy ending.

He says the gis is from a wank after he got home, but I doubt that every much. Why would you do that in your underpants?!

I feel my trust in him has been betrayed. Am I over reacting?

OP posts:
pictish · 04/12/2011 13:48

Cripes Fabby!! Nothing like jumping to conclusions eh? Bloody hell! Shock

Georgeous · 04/12/2011 13:51

Fair enough JosieZ - I do happen to agree with you then! I would be very upset, and would haul his ass through the coals but divorce is another kettle of fish.....

Georgeous · 04/12/2011 13:53

Having said that, I must have led a pretty sheltered existence as I've never been with a drunken crowd who would encourage a married man to have a quick shag down an alley! Steal a traffic cone, yes........

HugosGoatee · 04/12/2011 14:01

Poor you OP - I am baffled that some men manage to excuse having a naked girl writhe around in a private room just inches from his face by the fact that they paid for it Hmm that makes it better how exactly? It's infidelity that men have managed to promote as their right.

Anyway it seems impossible to me that he wasn't physically with a girl if his clothes smelt of perfume. It is much more likely that he has slept with someone else than that he hasn't, based on the facts you've given. Be prepared to end this relationship unless you are willing to turn a blind eye.

JosieZ · 04/12/2011 14:04

Ah, but he didn't have a shag- possibly a grope?.......... fully clothed.

Depends how drunk he was whether that is forgiveable or not imv

ShellyBoobs · 04/12/2011 14:20

If they stuck to the rules about touching etc they wouldn't make enough money.

You're just making it up, now; you are stating that all lapdancers are prostitutes.

That's untrue and uncalled for.

valiumredhead · 04/12/2011 14:21

Fabby do you also know what colour pants he was wearing? You seem to know everything else?

OP - not sure what to think about this tbh. On the positive side if he had jizz in his pants he's unlikely to have slept with anyone I suppose...

WorraLiberty · 04/12/2011 14:22

It's strange how those who seem to know the 'most' about these places have usually never been anywhere near them....

FabbyChic · 04/12/2011 14:25

In order for someone to smell of perfume you would have to be close to them for some considerable amount of time and been rubbing up against them for the same amount of time. Im no rocket scientist, just a number cruncher, but you don't need a crystal ball to tell you he has been up to no good.

FabbyChic · 04/12/2011 14:25

Oh and I know becuase the kids dad cheated for years with the same woman and he always stank of her.

PrimeSuspect · 04/12/2011 14:29

NBU at all. If my oh did this we would be finished (and I would definitely have gone through his phone in the same instance, though not replied but you were angry and making a point which i understand) but then I am someone who gets shocked by (poor cardigan-less) Rhianna and her "dance" moves. It has obviously made you feel uncomfortable so I hope you manage to resolve the matter and move on from it.

Never understood the "innocence" of lap dancing clubs. Just a hop, skip and a blow job away from prostitution...

valiumredhead · 04/12/2011 14:30

You know nothing Fabby other than what the OP has posted.

valiumredhead · 04/12/2011 14:31

My dh was invited to invest in a local lap dance club - I'm not sure how I felt about it tbh, he declined anyway so didn't have to examine my feelings further - which was probably a good thing Grin

FabbyChic · 04/12/2011 14:32

And the Op has posted enough for us to know he is lying. Was covered in perfume and had spunk in his pants.

TeaJunky · 04/12/2011 14:34

Leave him.

valiumredhead · 04/12/2011 14:35

It was the certainty that it was from tonguing ad he was definitely cheating that amused me Fabby.

WorraLiberty · 04/12/2011 14:36

And the Op has posted enough for us to know he is lying. Was covered in perfume and had spunk in his pants.

What a beautiful synopsis Xmas Grin

ToothbrushThief · 04/12/2011 14:40

If this was a new bloke in your life...what would you do? Overlook it?

Would everyone thing what a catch!

No.

Because he's not.

Just because you're in a relationship it doesn't mean you have to put up with it

ToothbrushThief · 04/12/2011 14:42

Each to their own I guess. My DP cooked a fantastic meal last night, is currently painting and decorating and was in my bed having great sex with me last night.

Know what I prefer, but I'm happily boring

RockingBEYONDtheXmasTree · 04/12/2011 14:46

I dont see a man washing his pants if they had jizz in them, surely he'd just put them in the machine and it'd be dry soon anyway.
I only see him washing off lipstick...

DooinMeCleanin · 04/12/2011 14:53

'he didn't have any lap dances, and the perfume was on his clothes because the strippers try and entice you into having a lap dance by rubbing up against you. He said that I wouldn't know about their underhand techniques because I've not been to one' I've been to one. Three actually. I worked there. I can gurantee you that the dancers do not rub against customers to entice them into getting a dance. It is against the law, for one thing.

They sit with, flirt with and chat with customers. They do not rub themselves on them.

In all three clubs I worked in we were encouraged not to wear strong perfumes as men don't like to walk out smelling like a whore's handbag.

OTOH all the clubs I worked in were completely above board and not ran by tossers. The laws were abided by and any 'extras' given out would result in you being fired if you were not bullied out by the other girls first for taking their custom. If one girl gives extras the men expect the rest to follow suit, so it wasn't tolerated. I have heard of some clubs who encourage gyrating on top of customers and giving more than you are legally allowed to do. So if he was in a strip club it was seedy back alley version of one not one I would have been happy working in or happy with my DH visiting.

Original poster
KiwiJean · 04/12/2011 15:03

Husband was out this morning with some work errands and we spoke when he got back (thank you Peppa Pig DVD).

He maintains it was all completely innocent, that he was at a nstripclub, and dancers unwontedly came and rubbed themselves against him. He says his coat was on the couch next to him and dancers sat on it (hence perfumey coat, as well as clothes). He says the jizz is from a wank he had at home). He backed this up by saying he almost always has a wank before he goes to bed (charming), so I reached an all new low and pulled out the rest of his undies from the washing basket to see if any of them were similar. They were all clean (god, this really is a whole new low level, underpants checking...!).

So I've told him to pack his bags and clear off for a few days. I don't think it's grounds for divorce, but he has completely violated my trust in him. I don't believe what he is saying, and besides, he spends so much time at work, I doubt I'll really notice his absence.

Hopefully things will come right in a couple of days. He needs to be honest with me. I can get over the fact that he was rubbed up and came in his pants by a stripper (what a great guy), but I can't tolerate the dishonesty.

I want him around, of course, but something's aren't right.

Thanks for the posts, it's good to know that I'm not making a mountain out of a molehill.

X

OP posts:
helendigestives · 04/12/2011 15:14

He's claiming he's had a wank with his underpants still on? With the stain on the inside? [mind boggles] Wanking, you're doing it wrong.

Sorry, I think I just lowered the tone for everyone.

SantasENormaSnob · 04/12/2011 15:15

This would be a dealbreaker for me tbh.

SardineQueen · 04/12/2011 15:16

His story doesn't add up at all. The wanking into pants thing is silly. The idea that he was sort of standing in a strip club my accident and all these awful women kept rubbing themselves all over him even though he really didn't want them to... Poor chap Hmm

I think you have done the right thing. Is there anyone you can find out the truth from? I'm guessing not really. So I don't know if you will ever find out TBH.