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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be outraged that DH has been to a strip club? May contain TMI

233 replies

KiwiJean · 04/12/2011 10:40

AIBU?

DH had a work Christmas party on Friday night. He rocked up boozed, at 4.30am. Stayed in bed until after 10am (we have two children under 3years old).

Anyway, when I was tiding up his clothes, noticed that they smelt strongly of perfume. I asked him why later that night. He said that the girls coats were all piled on top of his, so that must be why his coat smelt of perfume. I said that it was his clothes that smelt, not his coat. And it transpired he had been to a strip club.

His jeans really reek of perfume, so while he's denying it, he's obviously had a few lap dances. I'm not happy about this. But the real clincher is that this morning while I was putting on the washing, I noticed that his undies had gis in them! He had tried to rinse them, as they were all wet, but the evidence was clearly still there.

I am not happy that he's paid some stripper to rub herself up against him, and I am def not happy that he's got carried away! I don't even know if he didn't pay extra for a happy ending.

He says the gis is from a wank after he got home, but I doubt that every much. Why would you do that in your underpants?!

I feel my trust in him has been betrayed. Am I over reacting?

OP posts:
kalo12 · 04/12/2011 15:17

forget the lap dancing element and trying to get to the ins and outs of that. or his jizz stained undies...

the fact is your dh came home reeking of perfume and that means he has been up close and personal with another woman, and that is not acceptable in your relationship and you have every right to feel hurt, betrayed and angry and what does he expect to do about that?

don't listen to rubbish excuses about coats and evil cunning lap dancers and don't let him counter argue with your disgraceful email intrusion - you were upset and understandably insecure because of his lying although true you have lost the moral high ground but thats not the point, the point is you want to have a secure relationship with this man

you should have really emailed, yes got home fine thanks but I came in my pants

pictish · 04/12/2011 15:19

He's fibbing his arse off!
Why would he keep his pants on to have a wank before bed? He just wouldn't!

I think he had a lapdance and came in his pants. He should just admit it, the silly cunt. The lying is worse than the initial crime imho.

I'd tell him to stay away until he can tell the truth OP.

Malificence · 04/12/2011 15:22

I would imagine the underpants would be used for "mopping up", after his little wanking escapade Wink.

Doesn't excuse his shitty behaviour though - drunk or sober, there is no excuse, men who visit strip clube are scum .
I'm at a loss to understand how , when you live with someone and share a bed, you wouldn't know their masturbatory habits .

pictish · 04/12/2011 15:28

I don't know my dh's - and we've been together 15 years. Why would I? Is it the sort of thing you discuss?
"Back in a minute love...I'm just off for a quick chug, using one of those blue socks with the red stripe at the top, to clean up afterwards"

Original poster
KiwiJean · 04/12/2011 15:33

To get into the nitty gritty, he says that there is jizz in his underpants because some more must have dribbled out after he had finished, and claims they are wet because a towel must have been on them in the washing basket.

It's a crock of shit. He jizzed in his undies, that's why they have jizz on them.

I be honest, I haven't really noticed whether he has a wank before bed. I know he does sometimes, but I thought that was like, once a week or so, certainly not every night.

And it was our 4th wedding anniversary on Thursday, and we had sex then, so he wasn't completely sex starved, not that it would have been an excuse.

OP posts:
RockingBEYONDtheXmasTree · 04/12/2011 15:33

If my DH used one of his dirty socks, his dick would fall off Grin

RockingBEYONDtheXmasTree · 04/12/2011 15:34

Does he need an excuse to have a wank OP?

noddyholder · 04/12/2011 15:35

I think I am getting old this thread is making me feel a bit queasy and I consider myself fairly liberal but there are just some dribbly things I don't think need online discussion

GiserableMitt · 04/12/2011 15:35

I would rather my DH doesn't do it with me lying in bed beside him :)

ToothbrushThief · 04/12/2011 15:36

kalo12 Sun 04-Dec-11 15:17:24

you should have really emailed, yes got home fine thanks but I came in my pants

This is not a laughing matter obviously but I did at this!

yellowraincoat · 04/12/2011 15:39

This whole situation is ridiculously. He's lying to you, he's been (to whatever extent) with another woman, but you're just packing him off for a few days and then he's going to come crawling back and you'll forget all about it til the next time.

Weird.

candytuft63 · 04/12/2011 15:39

Arent masturbatory habits usually a private thing ?

Teeb · 04/12/2011 15:41

umm this might sound a bit odd, but what he wearing particularly 'nice' pants on the Saturday night after going out? I know if I'm going out for a night out, I would wear nicer underwear so I was wondering if thats something your man would do. And if they were nice pants, maybe they thought it would leave a stain/be quite embarrassing so rinsed them quickly before he put them in the main wash Confused clutching at straws.

Nancy66 · 04/12/2011 15:41

receiving a few lapdances wouldn't make him reek of perfume - more likely that came from another source.

Bohica · 04/12/2011 15:43

He is lying and I would kick him out until he found some respect and told me the truth.

The email sounds like it has been sent as an alebit to me.

Malificence · 04/12/2011 15:56

Having googled redroom it turns into an "upmarket" Hmm nightclub on Friday and Saturday nights, so he was probably rubbing up against a colleague.
The fact that he would rather you believe he was with strippers is worrying!

Crosshair · 04/12/2011 16:06

I thought most strip clubs had a strict no touch rule. Cant really see how he'd get perfume on him even after a dance as theres distance. Confused

DooinMeCleanin · 04/12/2011 16:25

They do Crosshair. Depending on whether they are liscenced for 'table dancing' or 'lap dancing' it's three feet for table dancing and iirc 1 foot for lapdancing. There are clubs that do flout the rules of course but as not many as you'd expect ime and these tend to be smaller, back alley kind of clubs. I think there is one liscence you can get that allows the dancer to touch the client but not the reverse i.e dance on top of him. They tend to be very difficult to get and are very heavily policed.

theincredibequeenofwands · 04/12/2011 16:27

Lapdancers aside, how are you OP?

Are you okay? Have you got mates or your mum handy who you could spend the day with??

How do you feel?

xxx

HalfTermHero · 04/12/2011 16:36

Well done, OP. You have done the right thing throwing him out. He is almost certainly lying about what happened that night. His story does not add up at all.

My guess would be that he was intimate (cuddling and kissing) with a female collegue for a prolonged period during the evening (hence the strong perfume smell). The obvious explanation is that her hands were down his pants (in some semi public location so he could not be naked) and she wanked him off. I am really sorry that you are going through this. He needs to man the fuck up and admit what happened so that you can decide whether you are prepared to continue the relationship. The lying is only pouring further disrespect on top of already deal breaking behaviour.

valiumredhead · 04/12/2011 16:40

Oh good grief! Some of the posters on this thread should write East Ender's scripts Grin

HalfTermHero · 04/12/2011 16:50

Sadly it is not just the realm of soap operas! I have known plenty of the behaviour I described happening at office xmas parties. The most memorable was a bloke who cheated on his wife, on the dance floor (so in full view of everyone) whilst his poor wife was at home with his 5 week old son and barely 2 year old daughter. He continued the liason with his colleague outside the venue (down an alley) where they had fumbled sex (the woman later told lots of people exactly what had gone on between them). The guy had lots of form in the area and cheated on his wife at just about every opportunity. There are some real cuntish husbands out there.

HalfTermHero · 04/12/2011 16:52

I should correct, it was a 'financial year end' party not an Xmas one. Not that it made the behaviour anymore excusable Grin

essexmumma · 04/12/2011 16:55

It does all seem rather far fetched OP. Having been into a place like this- Once, I can say that I didn't see the women rub them selves up against the men to entice them.

Going to a strip joint wouldn't bother me but the actions after seem iffy.

Take some time to think it all through. Good luck!

Vicky2011 · 04/12/2011 16:56

Clearly none of us can know what went on but I must admit I think HTH is probably not a million miles away from the truth. It would also explain the ridiculous and clearly untrue excuses which OP's H is giving. If they had all been to a strip club and he got carried away surely that would be upsetting for her and embarrassing for him but, as I think most of us seem to agree, not marriage ending. The hands-on scenario would be very different :(

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