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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be outraged that DH has been to a strip club? May contain TMI

233 replies

KiwiJean · 04/12/2011 10:40

AIBU?

DH had a work Christmas party on Friday night. He rocked up boozed, at 4.30am. Stayed in bed until after 10am (we have two children under 3years old).

Anyway, when I was tiding up his clothes, noticed that they smelt strongly of perfume. I asked him why later that night. He said that the girls coats were all piled on top of his, so that must be why his coat smelt of perfume. I said that it was his clothes that smelt, not his coat. And it transpired he had been to a strip club.

His jeans really reek of perfume, so while he's denying it, he's obviously had a few lap dances. I'm not happy about this. But the real clincher is that this morning while I was putting on the washing, I noticed that his undies had gis in them! He had tried to rinse them, as they were all wet, but the evidence was clearly still there.

I am not happy that he's paid some stripper to rub herself up against him, and I am def not happy that he's got carried away! I don't even know if he didn't pay extra for a happy ending.

He says the gis is from a wank after he got home, but I doubt that every much. Why would you do that in your underpants?!

I feel my trust in him has been betrayed. Am I over reacting?

OP posts:
ChocolateTeacup · 04/12/2011 12:51

OP Please listen to the calls of lots of lies, things don't add up and there is to much wrong, he needs to tell you the whole truth.

This would personally be a deal breaker for me

ToldYaSo · 04/12/2011 12:53

to be honest i dont really worry about what goes on on drunken work dos (nor do most on here if the drunken thread is anything to go by)

what i would be annoyed about is him being daft enough to waste money on some silly girl gyrating in front of him and him being stupid enough to pay for it

SardineQueen · 04/12/2011 12:55

Silly girl?

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 04/12/2011 12:55

Reality check

And here

SnowPlaceLikeHome · 04/12/2011 12:57

He has behaved disgracefully and lied to you. I have a real problem believing that he hasn't been unfaithful to you. I am so sorry.

WorraLiberty · 04/12/2011 13:00

Oh dear God now we're getting the links about the 'poor lapdancers' based on a couple of stories sold to the papers Xmas Hmm

I'm sure for every sob story, you can also dig up happy stories by women who were more than happy with the work they chose to do.

But that's not really the point of the thread is it?

JosieZ · 04/12/2011 13:02

I must be v cynical because I would want to check that the perfume isn't there deliberately by a female colleague wanting to cause friction at home.

It's his place to convince you that it was innocent fun. I would accuse him of having an affair with someone connected to work and see if he can convince you that that is untrue.

Maybe he was v v drunk, maybe he is considered the office prankster and was set up by colleagues, maybe he likes to be the office 'bit of a lad' and was showing off to mates. There prob is a simple explanation but he needs to do the explaining.

I doubt the others receiving the email will give a monkeys what someone's grumpy missus says.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 04/12/2011 13:03

The phrase "stinks like a brothel" springs to mind here on a number of levels.

SardineQueen · 04/12/2011 13:03

Well no I think the point is that the "rules" in these places are not always enforced, and prostitution can and does happen related to the clubs / the women working in them.

So the idea that there is no way that in a lapdancing club he would be able to do anything more than look is not necessarily correct.

SardineQueen · 04/12/2011 13:05

JosieZ do you think that these jokers / the person wanting to cause trouble put the come in his pants too?

Sammitalktalk · 04/12/2011 13:06

Before you confront your dh think for one second that you maybe making this sound worsenthan it actually is! Also taking such brutal advice from people that dont know your dh is ridiculous! And your just as bad going through his phone!!!

WorraLiberty · 04/12/2011 13:07

It's also worth mentioning that their are women customers at Red Rooms so if he did cop off with anyone, it might not necessarily have been a dancer.

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 04/12/2011 13:13

If you read the links you might see the point.

The girls are not employed by the clubs. They are private contractors - they pay the clubs to be able to dance there. So they have to earn a lot of money just to break even. It's therefore very competitive. If they stuck to the rules about touching etc they wouldn't make enough money. So yes, it's very relevant to the OP, because it means that it is very likely her DH paid a naked girl to rub herself against his crotch until he ejaculated.

And the comment from the former dancer saying that she would consider it infidelity if someone she was involved with had a 'private dance' because she knows what it entails is very relevant.

JosieZ · 04/12/2011 13:14

SardineQueen -- my first comments were to accuse him of having an affair and see if he can convince DW it' s untrue.

It's the evasiveness and lying which are the prob imo. He needs to be honest.

I can imagine a bunch of drunk men staggering from club/pub bump into bunch of equally drunk slappers and him going up an alley with one (with the encouragement of the rest of the crowd ...haha what a laugh ).

I wouldn't consider that a reason for starting divorce proceedings.

pictish · 04/12/2011 13:23

What an odd method of getting to the bottom of things you employ Josie. Confused

Catslikehats · 04/12/2011 13:23

josieZ you must know some really charming men then Hmm

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 04/12/2011 13:25

So drunk males who engage in sex acts with strangers are men, but drunk females are slappers? Nice.

JosieZ · 04/12/2011 13:31

Haha. Well if I'd said a bunch of drunk men coming out of pub meet a group of young ladies - two disappear up a dark alley, it wouldn't set the same scenario.

Ime this goes on on Sat nights, maybe I am in a seedier part ofthe country.

AugustMoon · 04/12/2011 13:32

YANBU - this sounds massively suspicious and I don't think it was U for you to look through his email and phonecalls either - assuming its not regular practice and you only did it because you suspect he's lying. You need to find out what really went on. Men don't try to wash jizz off their pants if they have an innocent wank at home and they don't snell of perfume if they go to strip clubs and not have lapdances. He's taking you for a fool. Interrogate until he tells you the truth.

Georgeous · 04/12/2011 13:32

YANBU - I would consider my DH getting a lapdance and coming in his pants to be infidelity. In normal circumstances if a man is with a naked woman who rubbed herself on him until he ejaculated then that would be considered cheating. Yet somehow it's ok because he paid for it? In my opinion that makes it worse, not better! The fact he was pissed and with a bunch of guys from work may go some way to explain his lapse of judgement, but it doesn't excuse it.

And to all those saying that the OP is out of order to check his phone and send an email - grow up! The guy went to a strip club and came home reeking of perfume with semen in his pants. That sounds like grounds for suspicion to me - especially if the OP feels she is not getting the whole truth from him.

So sorry you are going through this......

ageperfect · 04/12/2011 13:34

We all can react in explosive way when we are hurt or upset. Sending e-mail was bit unnecessary but is done and just leave it behind. What i would be more worried is him lying and quite frankly , the thought of strip club makes me cringe. Some other woman to give a lap dance or to flirt in such a intimate way would break all the bridges for me,no matter how strong they are. That's my opinion. You know what base your marriage has and if it is one off, you should consider DC if you do have and him not crossing certain limits now that he is commited to you. He needs to understand that even if he came off the right path he shouldn't lie to you. I know you are very angry and hurt but try to calm yourself and speak to him again about all that happened.

Georgeous · 04/12/2011 13:34

And JosieZ - your DH having sex with a random in an alley would be a 'laugh'. No problem for you at all?! Not worried about diseases, unwanted pregnancies, betrayal of your relationship?! You are very unusual then.........

FabbyChic · 04/12/2011 13:36

Strip club my backside he is cheating on you, no way would he smell that much if it was a lap dancer, its his bit on the side crawling all over him, and the jizz is from when they were tonguing each other.

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 04/12/2011 13:38

I bow to those with more experience on the perfume/lap-dancer thing.

JosieZ · 04/12/2011 13:45

Georgeous -- it's the drunken crowd who think it's a laugh not me, gawd, have you never been in a rowdy group where someone is egged on to do something daft.

Look at all these stag trips away, Prague, Majorca, Dublin etc Ipresume they choose these places so that they can sightsee and absorb the cultural differences, nothing to do with being away from home so they can behave more outrageously than norm.

If my oh had an affair with a work colleague I would consider that a possible reason for divorce (but it depends on his response) if my oh had a fumble with a lap dancer in a drunken state I would consider that a possible reason to threaten divorce(but it would depend on his response).

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