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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be outraged that DH has been to a strip club? May contain TMI

233 replies

KiwiJean · 04/12/2011 10:40

AIBU?

DH had a work Christmas party on Friday night. He rocked up boozed, at 4.30am. Stayed in bed until after 10am (we have two children under 3years old).

Anyway, when I was tiding up his clothes, noticed that they smelt strongly of perfume. I asked him why later that night. He said that the girls coats were all piled on top of his, so that must be why his coat smelt of perfume. I said that it was his clothes that smelt, not his coat. And it transpired he had been to a strip club.

His jeans really reek of perfume, so while he's denying it, he's obviously had a few lap dances. I'm not happy about this. But the real clincher is that this morning while I was putting on the washing, I noticed that his undies had gis in them! He had tried to rinse them, as they were all wet, but the evidence was clearly still there.

I am not happy that he's paid some stripper to rub herself up against him, and I am def not happy that he's got carried away! I don't even know if he didn't pay extra for a happy ending.

He says the gis is from a wank after he got home, but I doubt that every much. Why would you do that in your underpants?!

I feel my trust in him has been betrayed. Am I over reacting?

OP posts:
Alouisee · 04/12/2011 11:46

Dh used to go to Lap Dancing clubs "back in the day" ive been too he never came home smelling of perfume and I have a nose like a bloodhound.

pictish · 04/12/2011 11:49

Well....I can't rightly say how I would feel about my dh once ever getting a lapdance and coming in his pants. A bit insecure, I suppose, and hurt too...but would it be the end of our marriage? Of course not.

If he emailed all my colleagues to wag his finger at them, I'd be furious. Would it be the end of the marriage. Of course not.

Alouisee · 04/12/2011 11:51

Do grown men really come in their pants spontaneously? If they do then I would suggest that there are other problems.

pictish · 04/12/2011 11:54

What? If a scantily clad woman is rubbing herself all over his crotch, that's hardly 'spontaneous' is it?

yellowraincoat · 04/12/2011 11:57

I honestly don't believe this. There is no way a stripper wears so much perfume it would come off on his jeans. As far as I know, strippers don't wear perfume for this very reason.

I'd say it's more likely he shagged someone else. He's obviously capable of selling you a crock of shit, so who knows the truth?

pictish · 04/12/2011 11:58

My main problem without a doubt would be the lying!

Original poster
KiwiJean · 04/12/2011 12:04

Another thing that's been on my mind is his 'jacket smells of perfume', line. After he came 'clean' over going to the strip club, I smelt his jacket. And that also reeked of perfume. He would have taken his coat off in the strip club, wouldn't he? Why then would the coat smell? Or maybe I'm being paranoid now?

Thank you for the replies. When your angry it's hard to think of a rational argument to confront him with. I have some good, rational points to raise now.

I agree with Pictish, it's not marriage ending, but is really shitty.

OP posts:
rainbowinthesky · 04/12/2011 12:06

The trouble is he's already been unfaithful and you forgave this and it looks like you're going to forgive this too. I would be very surprised if he isnt unfaithful again as he knows you always forgive.

WorraLiberty · 04/12/2011 12:07

Seriously, who wears that much perfume?

And why wouldn't the girls hang their coats in the cloakroom?

Red Rooms is a very plush place and I can't imagine everyone chucking their coats in a pile on the floor Xmas Confused

pictish · 04/12/2011 12:08

Yes...it is.

You guys need to sit down and talk this through without any lies or cover ups from him. He should avoid further suspicion by telling the whole truth and facing the consequences. He needs to know exactly how it made you feel, and apologise unreservedly.

If he continues on with his bullshit spin about having a wank when he came home then he truly is a total arsehole.

NinkyNonker · 04/12/2011 12:09

All totally suss. I would struggle to move past it.

pictish · 04/12/2011 12:09

Look - the lapdance girl may have slathered herself in perfumed body lotion before work. His jacket may have been hung up next to a perfumey jacket in the cloakroom...who knows?

He has got to tell the truth about his evening out - that's the main thing.

stellarpunk · 04/12/2011 12:12

wise words yellow I also think the perfume is highly suspicious! Sorry kiwijean, this must be really rough for you and no I don't think you're overreacting at all.

I also am bemused by the OP losing the 'moral high-ground' over the email. Really? OP was expressing her opinions. They can take it or leave it. Or am I oversimplifying?

I think you may need to have a round 2 on this one jean

Heleninahandcart · 04/12/2011 12:12

You found an email conveniently naming the club, was this sent before or after you confronted him? It sounds like an agreed alibi for all of them. If it was one of a chain of strip clubs, I assume it would be very unlikely he would have perfume on his jeans, it would be again policy for this very reason?

It does sound like he had a grope with someone or paid for a private service somewhere else. Either way, he is lying again.

pictish · 04/12/2011 12:15

Going through someone else's phone and emailing people that are nothing to do with you about what they should or should not be doing is well out of order!
She's didn't just 'express her opinions' - she emailed her husbands colleagues on HIS phone and told them off, when she had absolutely no place to!

Her ONLY concern is what her own h does....his workmates are not under her jurisdiction!!

WorraLiberty · 04/12/2011 12:18

Exactly pictish!

The email was well out of order. Why should his collegues 'avoid the sleaze' and how do you know they don't spend time with their wives OP? Xmas Confused

Are you also assuming their wives weren't happy with the choice of night out?

Catslikehats · 04/12/2011 12:27

I actually do think that emailing your DH's colleagues is worse than him getting a lap dance.

However if the perfume is the result of a lap dance I'll eat my hat.

You're being fed a load of bullshit and have just lost all moral high ground. Doesn't look good at all.

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 04/12/2011 12:27

Any man who uses one of those places isn't worth bothering with.

Scum.

ShellyBoobs · 04/12/2011 12:32

The email was well out of order. Why should his collegues 'avoid the sleaze' and how do you know they don't spend time with their wives OP?

Absolutely! It's no business of yours what others get up to. I don't think that sending them insulting emails is helping your cause.

As for your DH stinking of perfume, I just can't imagine how that happened in a strip club. The girls aren't allowed to get that close to the patrons. Even in a lapdancing club it's strictly 'no touching' and that would definitely be enforced in an upmarket club due to the risk to their licence.

NinkyNonker · 04/12/2011 12:33

I don't think the email is worse than his actions, at all. Not good behaviour at all, but not worse than him by any stretch.

bottleofbeer · 04/12/2011 12:34

I could save myself an absolute fortune in perfume if it transfers so easily that I'll reek of somebody else's just by her being near me...

frikonastick · 04/12/2011 12:37

yes yes, lets focus on what the OP did wrong. after all, thats whats really imporant here isnt it.

NinkyNonker · 04/12/2011 12:38

Exactly Frick. Good old MN eh.

PontyMython · 04/12/2011 12:49

What a twat. The lying is worse than the strip club IMO (and I HATE strip clubs)

Have to say though I was also a bit Hmm about the fact they actually said Red Rooms in the group message... Doesn't quite add up. Surely it'd just say "did you get home ok"?

Sammitalktalk · 04/12/2011 12:50

Your being a bit harsh! Poor bloke is prob just scared of you reacting the exact way your reacting now! And if my hubby gissed himself i can you now he would want to hide it and keep it a secret! Ending any relationship over this triffle would be foolish.