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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be outraged that DH has been to a strip club? May contain TMI

233 replies

KiwiJean · 04/12/2011 10:40

AIBU?

DH had a work Christmas party on Friday night. He rocked up boozed, at 4.30am. Stayed in bed until after 10am (we have two children under 3years old).

Anyway, when I was tiding up his clothes, noticed that they smelt strongly of perfume. I asked him why later that night. He said that the girls coats were all piled on top of his, so that must be why his coat smelt of perfume. I said that it was his clothes that smelt, not his coat. And it transpired he had been to a strip club.

His jeans really reek of perfume, so while he's denying it, he's obviously had a few lap dances. I'm not happy about this. But the real clincher is that this morning while I was putting on the washing, I noticed that his undies had gis in them! He had tried to rinse them, as they were all wet, but the evidence was clearly still there.

I am not happy that he's paid some stripper to rub herself up against him, and I am def not happy that he's got carried away! I don't even know if he didn't pay extra for a happy ending.

He says the gis is from a wank after he got home, but I doubt that every much. Why would you do that in your underpants?!

I feel my trust in him has been betrayed. Am I over reacting?

OP posts:
SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 05/12/2011 18:38

I bet even he can't believe you're in the verge of buying his shit.

Original poster
KiwiJean · 05/12/2011 18:42

I guess you start trying to justify shit to yourself. I am not changing my stance. Whatever exactly has happened is not something a good husband would do. There has clearly been some wrong doing, it's just the extent that is still to be discovered.

OP posts:
anothermum92 · 05/12/2011 18:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 05/12/2011 18:52

So sorry, KJ

PamBeesly · 05/12/2011 19:00

Hi kiwi I read down through your thread and if I was you I'd have to ask myself, what do I belive in my heart in soul happened. Sometimes its easier to not think the worst because the pain can be unbearable, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen. I'm not the judge and jury on what he did or didn't do, I do despise lap dancing clubs were men buy women though and I'd be very upset if my husband went to one for lots of reasons. I think he has broken your trust badly in the past so don't let him do it again. I'd need to know the truth. Can you see through him if he is lying? I feel for you, what a fucker either way to cause you heartache regardless of what did or didn't happen, he lied, at least about the coat etc etc
BTw I'd probably have sent the same email as you did and I don't know why so many have decided to judge YOU...

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 05/12/2011 19:06

Sorry KJ. I know acknowledging it kind of means you have to do something about it, whereas justifying it and explaining the unexplainable away means you don't have to change the status quo and life goes on with no major disruptions.

But... you're green-lighting this behaviour. I mean you already have if he's cheated before. That's why he's done this, because he knows you have form for forgiving.

I mean, sure, he's not going to do anything like it for a while; I mean he can't quite believe it himself that he's getting away with this and he's breathing some pretty big sighs of relief and promising himself he'll be a good boy, he really will now.

But he'll eventually get complacent again. Probably when drunk and faced with temptation, and when his judgement is compromised. Just like all the previous times, in fact. And he'll know that all he has to do is cobble together a vaguely passable string of fabrications, be in the dog house for a while, sweat it out, and then all will eventually be well again. For him. :(

Original poster
KiwiJean · 05/12/2011 19:06

He claimed innocence on that occasion too. For over a year he maintained that the he was completely innocent and the hickey on his neck was from a go-kart seat belt. Previous incident also occurred after a work night out (different company). Great guy aye? This was about 7 years ago, before we got married, but we were living together.

I wanted us to go out for our wedding anniversary on Friday evening, but he didn't want to miss the work party, so we ended up going out on Thursday. The party must have meant a lot to him, because we NEVER go out

OP posts:
SardineQueen · 05/12/2011 19:13

Ouch your anniversary night was bumped for this work do? Really ouch.

He has quite a lot of form doesn't he Sad

voscar · 05/12/2011 19:17

I think he's has a blo job from a female because: (based on me being a female who works in the city and regularily attend strip clubs with clients. (please don't debate the rights and wrongs of this - that's a different thread).

  1. I've been to tons of them and nearly ALL have no perfume rules.
  1. Touching does exist and does happen in many clubs. However this wouldn't result in perfume on your clothes. Even if the dancer was wearing perfume -the touching tends not to be perfumed parts of your body (think about if if you really want).
  1. Lapdances last for one or two songs. Certainly not long enough for the average man to 'Jizz' in his pants.
  1. Dancers do not hang off/grind on the men to get them to buy dances. The men go willingly. I've never seen them do this in a manner that would result in perfume everywhere - in 20/30 trips to these places.
  1. However if I was a perfume wearing female on my knees giving a blo job it would most certainly result in the perfume from my arms/wrists going all over his jeans and would definately result in left over 'jizz' in his pants.

Drunken nights out with colleagues/clients often result in over familiar behaviour by people - very often with absolutely no infidelity - but enough contact to result in perfume transfer. I.e. hugs and "you're brilliant you are" drunken drivel.

But the perfume on the jeans and the 'jizz' gives it a whole other angle.

BrianAndHisBalls · 05/12/2011 19:24

I;m a bit anti social so hate work nights out anyway, but if it was a choice between work night out and anniversary I'd always pick anniversary. Apart from when I was about 23 and really fancied a guy at work, then I'd have done anything to get to the work do in the hope of 'pulling him' even though I was in a relationship at the time (dating no dc but bad even so obviously). So I'm afraid that to me is a big clue as to why he put a work night out over and above your anniversary Sad

clam · 05/12/2011 19:34

Who knows what went on? But what is clear is that your man is going to lie through his teeth until you have some incontravertible evidence that he can't wriggle out of.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 05/12/2011 20:13

....just like he has on previous occasions

GlitterKitty · 05/12/2011 20:31

The clubs I am aware of have strict no touching rules. I honestly cant see perfume transfer happening- and 'a lapdance' just means a dance at the table- not contact. That I know of. Hmm

I'd keep looking for an explanation here. Good luck with it all OP.

TroublesomeEx · 06/12/2011 10:58

InOneEar I am married to my husband. We are very similar in many ways, and very different in others. We have a great relationship. However, I am still me. I am more than just my husband's wife, more than my children's mother, more than my brother's sister and more than my class's teacher. I am still FolkGirl and there are certain things I'm interested in or like or do that I just like to keep secret, just something that I share with myself.

My DH has no idea I still dance in front of the mirror pretending I'm on stage singing in to a hairbrush. It's no threat to our relationship and he's seen me performing/singing plenty of times in real life and will do so again many times before Christmas but I don't want him to know I do that! He has no idea I talk to people who aren't there (like imaginary friends who spend the day with me at home when he's at work!). He has no idea that sometimes I bake cheese straws for the children's lunches for the week and then eat the lot before he gets home. He wouldn't divorce me if he found out about any of them. He might tease me about them for the night but I just like to have little things that I do that are just about me.

And I wouldn't begrudge him that either.

As MrSpoc said, there is an element of privacy I still like to maintain, and respect that we don't have to know what the other is doing every moment of every day.

WRT the OP, I did wonder about the BJ myself. It makes the most sense to me.

BiancaStroud · 06/12/2011 13:09

I agree with FolkGirl that here should be an element of privacy in a relationship. I wouldn't really have a problem with my husband going to a strip club if he was drunk and under pressure from his mates but I do trust him. I think there is a BIG difference between that and chatting up or being chatted up in a bar or club that could lead to an affair. however, it is easy for me to say that, I am not in the OPs situation and, after all, she doesn't know what the score is. Even if it was a drunken lap dance, I may well feel differently if it happened in my marriage. I hope it works out for you.

Malificence · 06/12/2011 13:25

I'd have a huge problem if my DH was so pathetic he couldn't say NO when under pressure from mates Hmm - that's for 15 year old boys, not adult men.

Alouisee · 06/12/2011 13:39

Even if he did get a bj it won't lead to anything - she's obviously not a swallower.

TroublesomeEx · 06/12/2011 14:12
MrSpoc · 06/12/2011 14:25

Very well put FolkGirl. I loved the "i am FOLKGIRL".

tinkertitonk · 06/12/2011 14:39

He betrayed you and you, with that email, have betrayed him.

flicktheswitch · 06/12/2011 16:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

overtheseatoskye · 06/12/2011 17:31

Am so sorry for KJ. Like all other posters I strongly believe he is lying and the BJ does sound a v likely explanation (although those don't occur at lap dancing clubs do they??) But....none of us actually know he's not telling the truth - we just see it doesn't stack up.

But I think maybe we could be more helpful in suggesting how KJ can get to the bottom of this.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 06/12/2011 19:07

She probably won't get to the bottom of it, that is the problem

It is obvious he is lying about something, as he has lied before

That is more than enough, to call time on the reltionship. The ball is n her court. What she does with it is up to her. I wouldn't hold my breath on getting any confessions out of him though.

And if his mates are as skanky as he is, they will all keep schtum too

What a way to live Sad

Original poster
KiwiJean · 06/12/2011 19:48

I havent got anything new to add. H didn't call last night. He's staying at his fathers house.

I doubt I'll get to the bottom of it. I want to stay really firm, and I hope I do. At the same time I'm desperate for it all to just be resolved and go away.

Unfortunately I know, right to my core, that something dreadful has gone on, and I can't spend another 7 years suspicious and miserable because i cant trust this man.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 06/12/2011 19:50

Sorry to talk about you as if you weren't here Xmas Blush

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