AIBU or is DH?

[OhThisIsJustGrape]

quick back story: DH doesn't cook. Ever. Claims he can't, although has managed to knock himself up steak and oven chips on occasion and can boil pasta (after I had to tell him the instructions are on the back of the packet).

In almost 16 years of us being together he has never made me anything more substantial to eat than toast.

His main excuse is always that even if he did cook it, I wouldn't eat it due to me not trusting him to wash his hands/cook food thoroughly etc. Tbh I do have a bit of a germ phobia but I know that if I thought for one second that he followed basic food hygiene then there wouldn't be an issue. To me, he is using it as a get out cause.

I'm a SAHM, 4 DCs of which 2 are preschoolers. I have tea on the table for him every night without fail mostly. Often it's cooked from scratch. I've come to hate cooking over recent years, so much so that I rarely even eat what has been cooked as I now have zero interest in food. DH works very long hours, only ever has sundays off and the only contribution to the household tasks is putting the rubbish out when he remembers and putting DD2 to bed each night. Kids are bathed before hr comes home and I often iron in the evenings. My weekends are spent catching up on cleaning as he is here to occupy the kids so I make the most of it. I hate that my weekends are always full of chores whilst he gets to play with the DCs, I feel as though I never get a day off.

Anyway, after the DH non-cooking thread the other day in which lots of posters suggested buying the DH a cookery book I thought I'd try that idea. I just said to DH that I was going to buy him a cookery book for Christmas so he could learn to cook, I quickly added that I would only expect him to cook on weekends.

His immediate reply was 'fuck off am I working 60 hours a week to then spend all weekend cooking'.

I am honestly shocked. I told him that it was one of the worst things he has said to me, I feel he has totally devalued everything I do, 7 days a week may I add.

Oh god, I'm over reacting aren't I? I feel really shit because he doesn't seem to accept that I work too. He's an excellent dad but I get no help in the house whatsoever and I'm sick of it. This remark is just the final nail in the coffin I guess.

AIBU?

I think asking other people on an internet forum if you are being U is a red herring, tbh.

The point is that YOU are not happy with the power split in your relationship. Ergo, it must change.

It matters not whether other people think the split is fair or not. It is for you and your DH to come to a mutually acceptable arrangement.

If your DH is not interested in helping you when you ask for help, or changing the routine when you tell him you are not happy with it, then that is a problem.

That is NOT team work.

... and some men don't, thunderboltsandlightning. Neither you nor I know what is the actual situation, only the OP does.

As the OP hasn't said anything about leaving her husband just yet, I suggested that they talk. It's one thing to have a vent on a chatboard but it's quite another to make life decisions based on the views of some women who have other experiences and have made other lifestyle choices.

Could you shut off two of the bathrooms? Surely you don't need all 4? Having said that I have 3 but the one the dc uses I don't tidy as often cos they only mess it up again straight away afterwards!! And since there is only me using the ensuite that tends not to get too bad.

Some men do a deliberately shit job with housework and domestic chores so their wives won't ask them again. It's called passive resistance and it's a well known tactic

Some women make a deliberately long task out of housework and chores so that it seems they spend all their waking hours washing cooking and cleaning....

I can sit on my arse all day at home if I want to, and then rush around like a loon for half an hour just before my husband gets home... and in that time I can hoover the lounge, hall, stairs, wipe down all the surfaces, shove a load of washing in the machine, and be standing in the kitchen busily cooking dinner as he walks through the door.... he gullibly assumes that I have spent hours tidying up.. it really is not difficult to fool most blokes who dont normally do the household chores, and I bet there are plenty who will agree with me too.

Most of my friends are SAHMs with two or more kids and we all manage to meet up for coffee, go to the parks, go swimming, and none of us spend our entire day cleaning or cooking.

It really seems like a lot of people still believe that it's women's job to serve men.

If someone stays at home to look after chldren in order that the other partner can go out and earn money for the family, that doesn't entitle the outside worker to treat the stay at home partner like their house slave. Bringing up children is a joint effort.

I can't believe that this guy hasn't cooked a meal for his wife in 16 years, even when she'd just given birth. Cooking is a skill that every adult should have. It's pathetic and lazy that he's never bothered to learn.

I do see what you're all saying but if don't cook, clean, do laundry etc then it won't get done. I'm the one who is in the house all day and therefore have to live amongst the mess and I can't do that.

Of course he hasn't ever cooked me a meal when I've had a baby. He can't cook. He can just about chuck fish fingers in the oven for the kids but that's it.

So, I'm back to square one. Yes I knew he couldn't cook when I married him. So what? I couldn't cook when I had my first dc at just 17 years old. I taught myself to cook! Why can't he? He went straight from living with his mum (who, interestingly, worked full time but still did everything, although she did have a cleaner) to living with me.

I can handle the chores etc, I'd just for once like him to take on a bit of responsibility in the house.

millimurphy - OP gets all the time with the kids during the week - if she can't find some fun time at all with them whilst her husband is at work then she's doing something wrong.

Maybe it'd be better for them to go out of the house together as a family at the weekends, too, but begrudging someone who's normally out of the house and away from the children for 12 hours a day some fun time with his children is rather mean.

And I don't get why it has to be the cooking which he takes off her and not any other chore

No, Thunderbolts, that's your obvious slant on it. It would work just as easily the other way around were OP to be working 60+ hours per week and her husband working in the home.

Some men - and women - don't cook. We marry/partner them at our choice. It doesn't stop them 'getting the food' though, as mentioned earlier - salads, meats, fish, already cooked and getting it onto a plate.

I keep saying this Grape, but you havent responded...

Why cant you go OUT for a meal, then nobody has to cook? Why cant you order a takeaway, then nobody has to cook?

My husband doesnt cook. He doesnt like cooking... and just hates doing it. BUT he doesnt expect or demand dinner on the table, cooked from scratch, 7 nights a week either.

OP... So he can chuck stuff in the oven. Great. Will you eat it or pull faces?

You say this... I can handle the chores etc, I'd just for once like him to take on a bit of responsibility in the house.... what do you mean? You say that he's a great dad, spends time with the kids, etc. So what is oustanding on your list if you don't expect him to do the chores?

I think you really need to talk to each other.

Do you like him Grape? I don't like him. Got you pregnant at 17 and then has had you as his servant ever since.

Lyingwitch, cooking is easy to learn. It's a skill like all these domestic jobs. There's no such thing as "don't cook", the phrase is "chooses not to cook". Which is what he's doing, and is happy to drive his wife round the bend because of it.

Grape he doesnt cook, he doesnt clean, he doesnt care. Because he has YOU to do it for him. Things will no change without YOU becoming more flexible. If you think he should cook on his day off, then steadfastly do NOT cook on that day. He will, at some point, need to eat.

Stop the martyrdom. It's making you look worse than him.

You are not being unreasonable and am gobsmacked that anyone thinks you are. If your husband really insists on being a total prick get a big freezer and fill it with pizzas and oven chips. One night a week won't hurt. And if 'D'H dares to say a word let him have it with both barrels!

I would imagine that is because money is tight, squeakytoy- that's the impression i got. It would be more fair and cheaper if the husband actually pulled his weight at home: it doesn't sound like OP is going to work him into the ground or anything, she just wants him to do something. And that's fair enough.

I honestly think my reaction would be not to cook next weekend - then when he says we are all hungry - say

fuck off if you think I am working all week and then cooking at the weekend there are plenty of cafe's open

Seriously though, you hoover the entire gaff and clean 4 bathrooms every day?

Is this extreme level of housework foisted upon you, or driven by your own standards? If no-one's forcing you to be this clean except you could you maybe lighten the load a bit by just easing up on your own standards a little?

It does sound as though you feel very taken for granted though.

How can he be persuaded to cook, clean and care by Grape becoming more flexible Lyingwitch.

Surely the flexibility is required by the person digging their heels in and refusing not to do anything.

Remember he had her doing everything when they had two children and she had a job outside the home as well. He won't lift a finger even when she's just given birth. He's lazy.

It must be so demoralising and hurtful, if when you are feeling overwhelmed and you reach out to the person you love, who is meant to love you, and who you are making a life with, and what you ask is something small to them but which would have a big impact on you

...and their response is 'fuck off i'm not doing it'

Sorry that should have been to LikeanAdventCandle.

Some men - and women - don't cook. We marry/partner them at our choice. It doesn't stop them 'getting the food' though, as mentioned earlier - salads, meats, fish, already cooked and getting it onto a plate And don't forget 'nice bread'

yanbu

When I was a SAHM and my dp worked long hours he could still bung a load into the washing machine and cook a simple meal. I don't see why it should all be your responsibility all the time. That's pathetic of him not to even try after you'd just given birth. I'm sure he could get the hand of a couple of simple meals, steak sandwiches, with salad. Jacket spuds with fillings.

Bloody hell, Thunderbots... he GOT the OP pregnant at 17? Was she completely passive in that? Can you not give her some credit for being an active partner or as you going to make it unconsensual? You jump to many conclusions on this thread - disordered eating was it? Why would you do that?

People can learn ANYTHING if they want to. They don't. It isn't necessary to learn to cook if you: a) like cold, ready-prepared food, b) can afford eating out or takeaways c) eat at a realtive/friend's home d) have a partner who cooks. OP doesn't need to cook either if she chooses not to.

None of that precludes the husband from doing anything else around the home. You don't like him? Well, whoop-de-doo... you're not married to him and you know nothing about him other than what OP has posted. If you make judgements based on that then I don't think the husband is missing out because he doesn't have your 'approval' or anybody's here.

We can't get takeaway because we live in the arse-end of nowhere, too far to deliver and almost a 25 mile round trip to collect.

We do eat out occasionally but with 6 of us it's expensive. Certainly can't do it every week.

I get that I'm enabling him, so how do I change it?

Wanting him to take a bit of responsibility in the house is not unreasonable Grape.

I get that you are annoyed with his response to your jokingly put question, his reaction was extreme. However what I don't understand is how you spend do long cleaning and tidying and cooking?
I used to be a sahm to 4 children in a large house as well and my house was always clean and tidy come the evening when h came home from work but I probably only spent 2-3 hours tops cleaning tidying and cooking. Every meal in the week cooked from scratch and playing taxi to the older two for football karate swimming etc. but how do you work for all those hours without a break or being able to go to toddler groups out for coffee with friends to alleviate the tedium?
I'm not bashing you I just am genuinely curious as to how it takes so long each day.
But in answer to the original question i think it's dh being unreasonable wrt to not volunteering to cook or order in food once a week to help out.