AIBU or is DH?

[OhThisIsJustGrape]

quick back story: DH doesn't cook. Ever. Claims he can't, although has managed to knock himself up steak and oven chips on occasion and can boil pasta (after I had to tell him the instructions are on the back of the packet).

In almost 16 years of us being together he has never made me anything more substantial to eat than toast.

His main excuse is always that even if he did cook it, I wouldn't eat it due to me not trusting him to wash his hands/cook food thoroughly etc. Tbh I do have a bit of a germ phobia but I know that if I thought for one second that he followed basic food hygiene then there wouldn't be an issue. To me, he is using it as a get out cause.

I'm a SAHM, 4 DCs of which 2 are preschoolers. I have tea on the table for him every night without fail mostly. Often it's cooked from scratch. I've come to hate cooking over recent years, so much so that I rarely even eat what has been cooked as I now have zero interest in food. DH works very long hours, only ever has sundays off and the only contribution to the household tasks is putting the rubbish out when he remembers and putting DD2 to bed each night. Kids are bathed before hr comes home and I often iron in the evenings. My weekends are spent catching up on cleaning as he is here to occupy the kids so I make the most of it. I hate that my weekends are always full of chores whilst he gets to play with the DCs, I feel as though I never get a day off.

Anyway, after the DH non-cooking thread the other day in which lots of posters suggested buying the DH a cookery book I thought I'd try that idea. I just said to DH that I was going to buy him a cookery book for Christmas so he could learn to cook, I quickly added that I would only expect him to cook on weekends.

His immediate reply was 'fuck off am I working 60 hours a week to then spend all weekend cooking'.

I am honestly shocked. I told him that it was one of the worst things he has said to me, I feel he has totally devalued everything I do, 7 days a week may I add.

Oh god, I'm over reacting aren't I? I feel really shit because he doesn't seem to accept that I work too. He's an excellent dad but I get no help in the house whatsoever and I'm sick of it. This remark is just the final nail in the coffin I guess.

AIBU?

Stupidly I end up doing it because I'd feel guilty at having been out all day, I couldn't then sit there and watch him clear up

THAT'S what I mean though - you complain he doesn't do anything but then don't give him a chance to actually do it, why not sit back and let him do it for once, especially as he said he was about to?

Does he emotionally support you?

I'm going to throw this out there because I really don't have a decent answer or suggestion.

But....... How about getting a part time job? Just two or three days (or half days) a week. That way, you'll get to be 'you' for a while, meet new friends but more importantly, it'll get rid of the general 'run of the mill' feeling and might make you feel a bit more 'self worth'?

With the money you make you could pay a childminder and maybe a cleaner? You say all the household income goes into one pot, then it wouldn't be a problem - you might be working to pay the childminder and cleaner but what the hell?!

Or the Sundays you spend as a family could be spent as one day a month for you, one day a month for him and two days a month as a family.. But that also includes doing the general household stuff, cooking and cleaning. Write out lists if you have to but he should also get his input also.

He might be a tosser where household stuff is concerned and he's certainly taking you for granted but maybe it's the kick up the arse he needs to realise you're not a glorified slave.

He doesn't emotionally support me, no. He used to be fantastic, I lost my mother quite early on in our relationship and he was my rock but he has neither the time, or more accurately, the headspace for me now.

His list of priorities looks like this:
Work
Kids
Me

If I'm ill, he won't ever ask me how I'm feeling because he is scared that I will ask for any of his time IE coming home from work a little earlier to help with tea/bathtime etc.

I can't ever discuss anything with him, when I knew I had the beginnings of PND he refused to enter into a conversation about it.

It goes both ways now and I often won't ask about work as I resent it, and him, so bloody much.

God, just read that back and our relationship sounds pretty fucked :(

Grape, that is what I wondered, My friend who is in a similar situation to you by the sounds of things, is always moaning about what little her dh does around the house - when in actual fact, it's emotional support she needs from him and a bit of understanding not wether he cooks or not.

Were you happier on your own?

The PND is a difficult one, my dh didn't really understand how hard it was for me even though I was hospitalised. It's only now 10 years on we can talk about it without me bursting into tears, I also realise how bloody hard it was on him too - up until recently I didn't really think it had much impact on him at all.

watching another human being, in this case the one you are meant to love and cherish, clearing up your mess whilst you sit on your arse and don't lift a finger is the epitome of laziness imo.

It's hard to say whether I was happier on my own. The relationship ended so nastily that the anger and bitterness carried me through iykwim. It wasn't until we started talking amicably that I realised I still loved him, hence us getting back together.

I don't want to split up, we do have times when we get on really well and I couldn't put the kids through another breakup anyway. I don't really know what life would be like without him, we got together when I was 16.

Also, and I know this will sound awful but I'm just being honest, there's a part of me that thinks I've put up with all the shit with the business etc over the years and I'll be buggered if someone else is going to reap the rewards. Same with the children, I'll be left to do all the hard work during the week and he'll get to enjoy the easy part on his weekends.

Oh... He already does that bit.

I have thought about getting a part time job but realistically it's a good 6 months or so away before I can. There are no nurseries or childminders round here, the local preschool offers before and afterschool care but ds2 can't go there until he is 2. Next summer I will have so many more options open to me and it is my light at the end of the tunnel!

My situation is very similar. 4 dcs, 4 bathrooms, SAHM with SE DH working 80 hours a week in a physical job.

I only have 1 pre-schooler but DH is a chef so works bad hours (sees dcs 1 day a week) and is sick of cooking and really doesn't want to cook at home.

Crucial differences between my life and yours are I am quite happy to cook sausages or a shop bought pie with shop bought mash and frozen peas or a bought pizza with a bag of salad etc and DH and I seem to like each other more than you and your DH. We have similar standards so aren't bemused by each other.

I hate the responsibility of choosing rather than the actually doing. I want to be able to ask what he thinks about what we should eat or what Christmas presents we should buy without DH saying "whatever you choose will be fine".

tbh if DH told me he was going to get me a book bout something I hate doing (DIY, gardening, shopping) then I might be inclined to tell him to fuck off.

Why does he equate putting a pie in the oven with 'spending all weekend cooking'? Is he prone to exaggeration or does he think that he needs to cook complex meals from scratch?

I think the fact grape suggested a recipe book might suggest more complicated meals than a pie in the oven FFS

Grape - have you had/could you have couples counselling?

I admit I was wrong to suggest buying him a cookery book. I didn't think about how I would feel if he suggested the same to me and yes, I'd probably react similarly.

This thread has shown me though that we have some major issues (far more than who does the cooking). We could carry on as we are and all would be ok, DH would continue to do his own thing and I would continue to have resentment bubbling away inside me. Life is way too short though, we both know that from losing parents at a young age.

Good point Vallium.

Grape, I think you need to tell him specific, realistic things that you need him to do to get rid of the resentment.

It is unrealistic to expect him to cook elaborate meals from scratch or do 50% of the housework but its not unrealistic for him to take responsibility for stuff like putting away some laundry, cooking one or two basic meals at weekends, cleaning the bathrooms or vacuuming on a Saturday morning or doing weekend bedtimes for the little ones.

Could you start with baby steps OP? Like suggest beans on toast one meal a week and that he is charge of. DON'T clear up when you go out for the day. DO take him up on his offer of going out once a month.

I used to hate leaving the kids with ex-DH while I went out for an enjoyable day home because I knew it would be me who would have to tidy up, I didn't know what clothes strewn everywhere were clean or worn, crumbs and food on countertops, pots and pans everywhere (used for making the only meal he knew how - pancakes). He would not clean up. If I asked he would storm out. Doing things for him were not a pleasure as I didn't ever get any thanks. If he'd been neat and tidy and more respectful I don't think I would have left him. It's hard enough getting DCs to be helpful/pull their weight, I don't believe it's a woman's job (be they SAHM/WOHM/out working) to tidy up after a grown man or even do their chores if you yourself have no time to do them.

he went on and on about what a wonderful day he'd had with the children, how happy they were and how easy it was

Do you think he's making a point here? re yo've got the doddle job, he's the hard-worker. When did you leave him btw? He seems to be being quite careless considering he nearly lost you. Or maybe he thinks what you think: that you will never leave so he's home and dry, regardless how he behaves.

You know that joke about the husband who came home to a house in total chaos, mess everywhere, supper not cooked; and he said in astonishment '"what's going on here? What happened?" and his wife said "you know you say I do nothing all day? Well I did it"

I would seriously think about going on strike OP.

Grape has already said that her dh isn't one to moan about it not being done though.

I really don't think this is anything to do with house work and everything to do with the OP and her dh not being a able to communicate properly and unresolved issues and feelings of resentment from years ago that haven't been dealt with.

What you need to do with the going out, is that when you come home, you take over having fun with the children so he is free to clear up his mess.

For the New Deal to be fair, he either has to do housework while looking after the children, or you both agree that it is nice to have some child-time free of housework and you also have to get a chance to have the children for a little while without doing the clearing up.

Four bathrooms ? who needs four bathrooms unless you have an old persons home or something. Talk about making work. Lock two of them up.

springydaffs DH often thinks that I make life hard for myself, for example he thinks I'm crazy to sweep the dining room floor after each meal and I should leave it all to pile up until the kids have gone to bed. Trouble is, DS2 drops far more than he eats and so the floor gets covered in food and I cannot leave it like that all day.

Val you're right, the housework issues are just a symptom of how wrong things are with our marriage, I fear.

I didn't necessarily choose to have 4 bathrooms. The house was perfect for us in terms of location and size etc. The bathrooms were, I thought, an added bonus. Now they are just a thorn in my side :) I can't really shut any of them off from use, DH and I have one as an en suite as do the eldest two children each. The 4th bathroom is used by the youngest two and has the only toilet in it that can be used by guests without having to go through somebody's bedroom.

Hmmm... Grape, i see what you mean.Get a cleaner. You both work incredibly hard and some thing has to give. I would bet a lot that 3 hours a week spent on a Treasure would be a real, proper help and would ease up much more than three hours of quality time for you all.
I clean 3 hours for a local family every week.
I charge 7.50 per hour.

MY DH works a 60 hour week, we have 3 children, 1 is a pre schooler, he pretty much always cooks at the weekend. I am not a skivvy or a slave and nor are you. he sounds like has has it too good. And fuck that, spending 7 days a week on housework or childcare. Nope not for me.

I am not saying this is right or wrong, but DH is a SAHD, and I go to work full time. He cooks all the meals and does all the cleaning , and I get to play with the kids in the evenings and at the weekends. I do a few bits around the house ( because DH doesnt necessarily see the same things as I do that need doing! However, he still gets to play golf once a week, especially on a weekend when I have the kids... so everyone is happy !

I recommend you make time for yourself and leave the cleaning for a few hours , I bet you will be the only one who notices .... and get a take away occasionally.

There are perhaps ways you could try to make life easier grapes, the cleaner for example...is it that you really cant afford one, or that you aren't prepared to sacrifice something to afford one? Could you not cut down on food shop for example...I imagine it must be huge with four kids. I try to buy all fruit and veg from markets as it's so much cheaper and lasts much longer that supermarket stuff..I can get a huge bag for less than a fiver.

But what seems to jump out at me is that it goes far deeper than housework, perhaps the only question you need to ask yourself is "do I really want to be with him?". I wouldn't normally encourage anyone to be a lone parent but you come across as unhappy and feeling trapped. You dont want anyone else to reap the rewards, I can totally understand that, but at what cost to your emotional wellbeing? You love him, of course. I loved my exp but I think we both knew separating was for the best (diffferent situation and reasons, granted). I dont know which one of you is BU, maybe neither, maybe both but unless something changes how long realistically do you think you can carry on like this? You're both working hard in different ways but seem to have totally different opinions on what should be done/needs doing. There are underlying issues which getting a cleaner certainly wont sort out.

You sound frazzled, hope things start to look up for you

Okay. Just a couple thoughts. First of all, you're thinking about getting a part time job, and he was wanting you to get into the admin side of his business. Is there any reason you couldn't do that part time, which would possibly cut down the amount of time he has to be tied up with work? Maybe say "look, I will work x amount of hours on the admin stuff, if you agree to cut x hours off your work schedule and spend a bit more time at home with us as a family." Maybe work 10-15 hrs on admin in exchange for him spending 5 more hours at home during the week. Surely he comes out good in that and may recognise the benefit?

Also... rather than looking to "not cook" have you thought about having a "nice evening together" one night a week. For example, put the children to bed (you said they're in bed at 7?) and then you and your DH TOGETHER cook a nice meal - steak and potatoes, while enjoying a bit of wine - but linger together in the kitchen, chatting while cooking together. Perhaps it's not just the cooking that you're annoyed over but simply the whole "banished to the kitchen" idea of it? This gives you both time to unwind together, put together a nice meal, enjoy a glass of wine, and then sit down together and eat the meal. Nobody feels relegated to the kitchen that way. Agree ahead of time either do the washing up the next morning (preferred method for us lol) or do it together after dinner. Your DH could be cooking the steaks while you're putting together a nice salad, while potatoes are baking in the oven. Sharing the job is at least better than doing it by yourself, right? Make it a "home date night" each week. And by doing this, making different meals, your DH is getting the feel for cooking more things without feeling like you are being condescending (which he may have felt with the cooking book idea).