AIBU or is DH?

[OhThisIsJustGrape]

quick back story: DH doesn't cook. Ever. Claims he can't, although has managed to knock himself up steak and oven chips on occasion and can boil pasta (after I had to tell him the instructions are on the back of the packet).

In almost 16 years of us being together he has never made me anything more substantial to eat than toast.

His main excuse is always that even if he did cook it, I wouldn't eat it due to me not trusting him to wash his hands/cook food thoroughly etc. Tbh I do have a bit of a germ phobia but I know that if I thought for one second that he followed basic food hygiene then there wouldn't be an issue. To me, he is using it as a get out cause.

I'm a SAHM, 4 DCs of which 2 are preschoolers. I have tea on the table for him every night without fail mostly. Often it's cooked from scratch. I've come to hate cooking over recent years, so much so that I rarely even eat what has been cooked as I now have zero interest in food. DH works very long hours, only ever has sundays off and the only contribution to the household tasks is putting the rubbish out when he remembers and putting DD2 to bed each night. Kids are bathed before hr comes home and I often iron in the evenings. My weekends are spent catching up on cleaning as he is here to occupy the kids so I make the most of it. I hate that my weekends are always full of chores whilst he gets to play with the DCs, I feel as though I never get a day off.

Anyway, after the DH non-cooking thread the other day in which lots of posters suggested buying the DH a cookery book I thought I'd try that idea. I just said to DH that I was going to buy him a cookery book for Christmas so he could learn to cook, I quickly added that I would only expect him to cook on weekends.

His immediate reply was 'fuck off am I working 60 hours a week to then spend all weekend cooking'.

I am honestly shocked. I told him that it was one of the worst things he has said to me, I feel he has totally devalued everything I do, 7 days a week may I add.

Oh god, I'm over reacting aren't I? I feel really shit because he doesn't seem to accept that I work too. He's an excellent dad but I get no help in the house whatsoever and I'm sick of it. This remark is just the final nail in the coffin I guess.

AIBU?

by the time i finish typing on my phone someone else will have posted this already

it is surely a good rule of thumb that both partners should have equal amounts of leisure time to do whatever in

it does not sound as though this is the case for you sadly

i do not think you are unreasonable at all

How come he can´t cook?

Did he never live alone?

I agree squeaky

I have a friend in a similar situation, she rants and raves about her she not doing anything but she then just does it anyway and not actually leaving it for her dh to do - she enables him to behave the way he does.

If I don't get the house straight today then I'll struggle to catch up. He won't lift a finger tomorrow so come Monday I'll have twice as much shit to clear up

How? it will take exactly the same amount of time to hoover two days of mess than it will one. Ditto the bathrooms... Live in a bit of mess for a day or so, that way he might appreciate how much you do!

I know I dont sound very sympathetic, and I dont mean to.. but if you are rushing around like a blue arsed fly to make sure everything is perfect, then he isnt going to actually appreciate how much you have to do. Let it get a bit messy... you have four children, nobody would expect a show home!

Surely the solution to 'i have to do it all myself' is not 'stop doing anything and live in squalor'?

6 people in a house does offer up the potential for mess and disorder

Her dh is making her do it. She's asked him to cook and he's refused.

You can't make someone do what they refuse to do.

Why are you blaming the OP for this guy's rubbish behaviour Squeaky?

Maybe stop looking at his one day off as your chance to do x,y,z while he plays with the kids. See it as a family day, where you both spend time with the children, possibly outside of the house, so you are not tempted to do choares. Incorporate into that either a Sunday Lunch out somehwree or fish and chips at the seaside, and you've got out of making tea that day too. It may involve some jigging around in the week, in order to allow yourself some more free time. You need to enjoy your family, and this would go a long way.

I'd also suggest one night a week where the kids are given a 'treat' tea, even if it is chips and something, or a pile of picnic food in the lounge with a dvd on. You could use this evening to eat whatever you fancy, and DH would be expected to re-heat leftovers from the freezer or whip himself up something quick. Sometimes its a releif to say to my DH "can we just sort ourselves out food-wise tonight?"....take the weight off having to think of someone else's needs just one night.

OP... Did you know he couldn't cook before you married him? I have the same sort of husband - doesn't cook. I knew this.

I get that you're tired but I agree with Squeakytoy, workng outside the home is different. You can't just nip up and put the washing machine on, have a rest when the kids are sleeping/otherwise occupied, or start a meal cooking slowly for the evening.

I work from home and I can do these things. My husband can't - he's out of the house 60+ hours a week too.

Sorry, but I think you're being quite unreasonable and, I think you'd be better off talking to your husband about your expectations - and his - and seeing where you can both compromise.

The children are both of yours. He sounds like a good dad and you sound like a good mum but you also have a responsibility to each other and a relationship based on 'tit for tat' is going nowhere.

Well he knows how to cook himself steak and chips. Didn't manage for his wife after she'd just given birth though.

You must be exhausted OP.

Family days and treat teas are a great idea.

oh, he didn't even cook when you had a new born baby? wouldn't be impressed with a ready meal? Any sympathy I had for him has vanished.

My love, can you get any help with your germ phobia? When DH and I are both busy, the quality and quantity of housework just goes down, we haven't died of any diseases.

Don't think I said it in my last post, but YANBU. You sound low, he should be kind to you.

It sounds like you both have a fairly miserable existence, tbh. You're both overworked, and you're both resentful. If he's not going to cook - and you can't make him - I would just try to make life a bit easier for yourself by cooking bigger batches of stuff and sticking them in the freezer. Or doing pasta and pesto or egg and chips a couple of times a week.

If you aren't eating properly you will feel crap as well, you need to start eating even if it is just a small plate of food.

people hoover every day????

Lyingwitch, so how DO all these people who work outside of the home, and don't have wifeys, manage to cook, clean and put the washing machine on?? How do they cope, is there a charity/support group or something?

"Her dh is making her do it. She's asked him to cook and he's refused.

You can't make someone do what they refuse to do.

Why are you blaming the OP for this guy's rubbish behaviour Squeaky?"

Exactly, you cant make someone do what they refuse to do.. so if the OP refuses to cook a meal too, then another solution needs to be found.

OP says she has equal access to the joint account and he doesnt question her spending.. so ring up the bloody takeaway and let them cook. Or tell him that on Sunday you are all going to the local carvery for a sunday roast. If he doesnt want to go, he can always stay at home and cook himself steak and chips.

His behaviour is not rubbish. He is working 12 hour days, 6 days a bloody week too, not swanning off to the pub while the OP is stuck at home. If that were the case I would have a completely different attitude to this situation.

My dh can't cook so after I had ds we lived on cold chicken, salad and really nice bread, or prawns, salad and really nice bread, or cold cuts, salad and really nice bread - can you sense a theme? Point is, he can't cook BUT he went shopping, assembled it on a plate and we ate and I give him full credit for my fantastic milk supply! If your dh didn't even do that he is an arse!

Her children still need to eat Squeaky or did you just miss that small fact.

His behaviour is not rubbish, you're right. It's despicable, and he's been like this for years, even when she was working a thirty hour week.

Again I agree squeaky to a point BUT after what she said about him not cooking after having babies, I have had a change of heart to some extent!

Do you know, although i am officially only part time WOHM, i reckon i must work at least 40 hours a week - if I were ft it would be closer to 50. I don't think it has ever occurred to me to use that to shirk responsibility for feeding myself, or ensuring there was food in the house, or that it hadn't descended in to a chaotic filth hole. How funny

OP.... how much of the 'won't cook' do you think might be down to your reluctance to eat food prepared by him?

I'm not saying that you do this but I read post after post on MN and elsewhere by women who criticise, complaint and don't like the way their partner cooks, cleans, looks after the children, dresses the children, etc. They come across as very much wanting to be 'the boss', insisting that their partner does things their way. If you think there is any shred of this being the case - and you wouldn't appreciate it were the situation reversed - then you and your husband need to talk.

Some men do a deliberately shit job with housework and domestic chores so their wives won't ask them again. It's called passive resistance and it's a well known tactic.

Works for men though - women still do the vast majority of domestic work and childcare.

As for who thinks they are the boss in this relationship. I'd say it was the person who was saying things like this:

'fuck off am I working 60 hours a week to then spend all weekend cooking'

Jeez already. Keep trying MNers, if you dig deep enough there must be a way that makes this all her fault and not his problem whatsoever! You can do it!