AIBU or is DH?

[OhThisIsJustGrape]

quick back story: DH doesn't cook. Ever. Claims he can't, although has managed to knock himself up steak and oven chips on occasion and can boil pasta (after I had to tell him the instructions are on the back of the packet).

In almost 16 years of us being together he has never made me anything more substantial to eat than toast.

His main excuse is always that even if he did cook it, I wouldn't eat it due to me not trusting him to wash his hands/cook food thoroughly etc. Tbh I do have a bit of a germ phobia but I know that if I thought for one second that he followed basic food hygiene then there wouldn't be an issue. To me, he is using it as a get out cause.

I'm a SAHM, 4 DCs of which 2 are preschoolers. I have tea on the table for him every night without fail mostly. Often it's cooked from scratch. I've come to hate cooking over recent years, so much so that I rarely even eat what has been cooked as I now have zero interest in food. DH works very long hours, only ever has sundays off and the only contribution to the household tasks is putting the rubbish out when he remembers and putting DD2 to bed each night. Kids are bathed before hr comes home and I often iron in the evenings. My weekends are spent catching up on cleaning as he is here to occupy the kids so I make the most of it. I hate that my weekends are always full of chores whilst he gets to play with the DCs, I feel as though I never get a day off.

Anyway, after the DH non-cooking thread the other day in which lots of posters suggested buying the DH a cookery book I thought I'd try that idea. I just said to DH that I was going to buy him a cookery book for Christmas so he could learn to cook, I quickly added that I would only expect him to cook on weekends.

His immediate reply was 'fuck off am I working 60 hours a week to then spend all weekend cooking'.

I am honestly shocked. I told him that it was one of the worst things he has said to me, I feel he has totally devalued everything I do, 7 days a week may I add.

Oh god, I'm over reacting aren't I? I feel really shit because he doesn't seem to accept that I work too. He's an excellent dad but I get no help in the house whatsoever and I'm sick of it. This remark is just the final nail in the coffin I guess.

AIBU?

OP if you have a germ phobia, do you possibly spend more time cleaning than is really necessary? Possibly you could cut down to get some more rest for yourself?

You've said your husband is not ungenerous with money, so use that to your advantage. Get a cleaner, or send the ironing out. Do you really need to cook every meal from scratch? Why not buy the M&S or Tesco meal for a tenner once a week - that just bungs in the oven with virtually no prep. I share your pain about no take aways but a good ready meal is usually much nicer than a take away anyway.

I think you are being unreasonable but then again I hate cleaning 1 bathroom let alone 4 - If you can afford it a cleaner sound great or even just a ''mothers help'' ie local teenager or student to occupy the kids for a few hours in the afternoon 2/3 times a week - Ring a local collage to see if they have anyone suitable on a childcare course.

Of course he could help out every now and then with cooking! It wouldn't be fair to expect him to cook all meals every weekend but the odd dinner to give OP a break every now and then would mean a lot i'm sure. I bet he gets to take annual leave fom his job but OP never gets a holiday from her 'job' by the sound of it.

If my DH cooks we have something like egg, beans and chips or baked potato. Nothing too taxing and the type of meal that anyone could rustle up.

OP works hard as well Widow - with 4 kids to look after, all the household management and the cooking. Also - why should hubby get all the fun time with the kids at the weekend? Tasks should be shared at the weekend. OP needs a break.

is there a reason you can't have a cleaner? I'm not surprised you don't feel great, I wouldn't either in your position. It's relentless being at home all day with small children. I wouldn't waste any energy trying to change my DH, he does work long hours and is probably knackered when he gets in. I would look at ways of making my life easier -

I would batch cook in slow cooker and freeze so you're not cooking every night ( I couldn't live without mine, just chuck it all in when you get 2 mins peace, then feed kids and it can just stay in there for when DH gets home, freeze the rest)

also get a cleaner

For various reasons a cleaner is not an option. No help with the kids really, I have no family and no friends that don't work.

Maybe this is about more than the cooking. Maybe I'm just fed up with everything lying on my shoulders all the time. I organise everything, he is working right up until christmas and takes no interest in any of the present choosing etc. I just want a break, he's as much a part of the household as I am and I can't get my head around why, when he's here, he can't chip in a bit and help. That's all.

You work 77 hours a week, not counting the time spent ironing in the evenings when he has his feet up eating the dinner you have cooked. You don't get the child-free coffee breaks or lunch breaks he gets during the day where he has the occasional half hour to himself (even assuming lunch for him is a sandwich at his desk).

You aren't asking for an equal division of chores as far as I can see, just for him to spend half an hour every now and again cooking a meal. That sounds fair to me- you don't seem to be asking for a three course haute cuisine meal either. And he does nothing else to help you at home other than be "fun dad" on weekends.

Apart from anything else, he seems to owe you a bit of respect for the job you already do. Am that he swore at you when you made a friendly suggestion. He's not really making much of an effort in your relationship, is he? By that I mean that this is a heck of a response to give a hard-working wife who is feeling a bit hard done by. What does he do to make you feel happy?

You are definitely not being unreasonable.

He can't throw together a spag bol on a sat night to give you a hand? Really? Perhaps if he had a few days doing what you do he might see that you work hard to support him and your children.

What would annoy me is the disrespectful way he reacted to you.

Why is a cleaner not an option?

Bloody hell she does a minimum 77 hour week with four children to look after and a husband who expects to be waited on hand and foot, and she's the one feeling unreasonable because she's resentful and wants him to take on some domestic responsiblities instead of acting like lord of the manor?

Did Mumsnet just travel through time back to 1952?

He doesn't get annual leave, he's self employed. He has one week a year plus a week at Christmas.

I know he's knackered but so am I. And yes, I chose to have 4 kids but so did he!

Reading this through I don't think it is really about the cooking? It is about you being acknowledged for what you do around the home. It is about the ongoing task of constantly being on the go - with no defined lunch break, no definate end of the working day.

The trouble is you have both got into a rut of how things are done and who does what. It is not unreasonable if he is working a 60 hour week for him to expect certain things are taken care of at home. But it is also not unreasonable for you to be thanked for what you do.

You need to lighten up on yourself a bit. Pizza, pasta, fishcakes and ham & eggs are easy - they can be cooked with veg to make a meal very quickly. Batch cook spag bol/casseroles etc. meals that can easily be defrosted but still homemade. Cook a roast once a week - job done.

Honestly try and look at how things could be shared a little so that you get a chance to spend time all together at the weekends - a dirty floor or unmade bed is not a crime...........

You would have less work if you didn't have him to look after too as well as your children who are the people in the family who do actually need your care - not a fully grown adult.

Maybe he should think about that.

why is a cleaner not an option?

do the children go to nursery? if not, why not put them in one a couple of days a week, so that you can have some free time to catch up on things..

Suggest to your husband that he cut down his hours at work, and you could go out to work to make up the deficit in income, and he will have more free time to do stuff at home maybe?

Why can't you have a cleaner, or send out the ironing? Is it because of your germ phobia?

Thing is, I can't do DIY, and if DH suddenly announced he was buying me a book on DIY for beginners so that the next time shelves needed putting up, then I could do it, I'd feel a bit panicky TBH. And I might consequently react aggressively.

Sometimes you really can't teach an old dog new tricks.

I can see why you're pissed off when you constantly cook for others but no one ever returns the favour. How about asking if he would "sort the food" on one particular night, ie choose, phone up for, collect and dish up a takeaway. Would that help?

He's self employed squeaky, it's a bit difficult for the self employed to just cut down hours, it's not like they can put in a flexible working request.

I agree with the nursery/pre school suggestion for the two pre schoolers though.

I'm just wondering how expecting the chap to cook one meal on one day of the week generates the response "expecting someone who works 60 hours a week to share house hold tasks equally is not fair".

Well no, it wouldn't be fair, but that wasn't what she was proposing

There's only 6 of you, and either 2 of the children are quite old enough to clean their own bathrooms or you've got too many in use, stop using 2 of them and that will save you cleaning time. There is no way maintaining the house should take you 77 hours a week, sort that out, and you might be happier with the situation at the weekend.

He's self employed squeaky, it's a bit difficult for the self employed to just cut down hours, it's not like they can put in a flexible working request

I would say it is even easier when you are self employed to be able to create your own work hours. You dont have to answer to any boss, you set the rules.

If money isnt an issue, then eat out one day a week. That was our solution and it worked for us because then both adults get some time off.

This is ridiculous! If he works a 60 hour week and you live in house with 4 bathrooms then surely you can afford a cleaner. Send the ironing out too. Yes, he definitely should cook at least once in a while, why on earth not?

My dh is self employed and sometimes works 100 hours a week. He will still cook, occasionally, if we are both here and I have done a lot of cooking lately.

Do not listen to the idiots who are saying he should never have to cook because he works 60 hours a week.

You clearly aren't self employed then. You can take the time off sure, but there might not be the work when you come back. If clients can't get you, they'll go to someone else.

No I don't think you are being unreasonable.

If you are a SAHM your life isn't dictated by you but by a small child (or four!). If you feel crap at work, and decide you need a cup of tea, you can go and make one, and prioritise tasks according to how effective you are being that day - unless you happen to be a teacher where you are trapped with 30 kids all day! I certainly had days when I was performing at less than my peak and as long as I got stuff done that was ok.

I think it's the same thing that crops up again and again here. The advice is always - how much free time do you have each? If he gets way more than you then it is not fair. The children are half his too - no reason that he should be viewed as helping when he has equal responsibility on a weekend (it is both your weekends, after all). Similarly, you both have to eat on a weekend. Presumably if he was single he would have to cook both nights (and after work every night as well, and keep his house clean and his clothes washed and ironed etc) so why on earth he then feels that cooking one night out of seven is a chore I don't know. (I have some sympathy though - we're in the same boat - I even it up a bit by trying to get him to do other things instead, having accepted that cooking will fail, and at least if he cleans the bathroom or the inside of the car or something, then I don't have to do that as well as cook). Marriage is not a way of getting out of the chores you didn't like doing as a single guy. Yes, you both pull your weight - I'm not suggesting you leave all the house cleaning for him at the weekend - but if he is getting way more chill out time than you, then it is not an even deal.

Quite davey!

That comment must have felt like a punch in the guts- no wonder you're upset.

I know loads of men (my DP included) who work really hard and actually enjoy cooking as a way of winding down. There's nothing like having to do it day-in, day out to suck any creative pleasure out of it though.

Of course it's not unreasonable for you to expect your life partner, the man who chose to have these children with you, to help alleviate some of the drudgery of it. You help him every day by making his home pleasant, doing his laundry, cooking for him. I think there's a particular kind of stress that comes from the repetitive grind of housework and childcare which is easily dismissed by the person who is out in the world earning not just money, but respect and status. They may have their own stress and deadlines etc, but they also have stimulation, variety and a sense of achievement which getting to the bottom of the laundry basket is never going to match.

I think you need to try and explain how you feel, and how much better things would be between you if he could pitch in more at weekends.

Do you ever get a chance to go out in the week and do something that is just for you?