AIBU or is DH?

[OhThisIsJustGrape]

quick back story: DH doesn't cook. Ever. Claims he can't, although has managed to knock himself up steak and oven chips on occasion and can boil pasta (after I had to tell him the instructions are on the back of the packet).

In almost 16 years of us being together he has never made me anything more substantial to eat than toast.

His main excuse is always that even if he did cook it, I wouldn't eat it due to me not trusting him to wash his hands/cook food thoroughly etc. Tbh I do have a bit of a germ phobia but I know that if I thought for one second that he followed basic food hygiene then there wouldn't be an issue. To me, he is using it as a get out cause.

I'm a SAHM, 4 DCs of which 2 are preschoolers. I have tea on the table for him every night without fail mostly. Often it's cooked from scratch. I've come to hate cooking over recent years, so much so that I rarely even eat what has been cooked as I now have zero interest in food. DH works very long hours, only ever has sundays off and the only contribution to the household tasks is putting the rubbish out when he remembers and putting DD2 to bed each night. Kids are bathed before hr comes home and I often iron in the evenings. My weekends are spent catching up on cleaning as he is here to occupy the kids so I make the most of it. I hate that my weekends are always full of chores whilst he gets to play with the DCs, I feel as though I never get a day off.

Anyway, after the DH non-cooking thread the other day in which lots of posters suggested buying the DH a cookery book I thought I'd try that idea. I just said to DH that I was going to buy him a cookery book for Christmas so he could learn to cook, I quickly added that I would only expect him to cook on weekends.

His immediate reply was 'fuck off am I working 60 hours a week to then spend all weekend cooking'.

I am honestly shocked. I told him that it was one of the worst things he has said to me, I feel he has totally devalued everything I do, 7 days a week may I add.

Oh god, I'm over reacting aren't I? I feel really shit because he doesn't seem to accept that I work too. He's an excellent dad but I get no help in the house whatsoever and I'm sick of it. This remark is just the final nail in the coffin I guess.

AIBU?

Thankyou, some lovely posts to wake up to this morning :)

I didn't sleep well, things were going round my head. I feel so trapped. I don't want to leave, but I don't want to stay like this either.

Everything I do revolves around DH and the children. I can never just swan off at the drop of a hat because it must fit in with whatever he is doing workwise. He works Saturdays so that only leaves Sundays - if I go and do anything for myself that day (like going shopping today) then I feel I'm denying the children a 'family day'. I sound like a martyr I know I do, I'm not though, it's honestly how I feel.

Everything I ask of him is too much, I asked if his last day at work could be 22nd of December rather than the 23rd, just so I could have some help here but anyone would think I'd asked him to have a month off.

I'll see how he is this morning, we didn't speak at all last night.

Listen to springy daffs, she speaks sense. You have been worn down to the point that you don't know how to ask for something that is reasonable. You have stopped eating. You are overwhelmed. You have stopped functioning on so many levels. Fixing yourself needs to be part of fixing relationship.

Ideally convincing him to go for a few sessions at relate might be a good start. If you still both love each other there should be good common ground to work on. If he is resistant, go for yourself. Get help clarifying how you feel, and what you want.

Anyway, best of luck, I hope you have a nice Sunday.

As you know by now, YANBU. You would be better off as a single parent . You have no help, moral support or love whatsoever currently from an adult. That is a tough. As a single parent, at least your DH would presumably have the DC every other weekend (or so) and YOU would get some time off. You said 'dreadful things" happened last time you split. Can you explain? It is difficult to imagine that it is anything that would happen again.....

If you carry on as you are (which is a possibility) then hang on to the fact that in 3 years time, or so, the DC will all be out all day and you will start to regain a life. In the meantime, go for coping: cook some less complicated meals, get a cleaner, enjoy the DC. It will be difficult because basically you have someone you no longer love or respect (why would you?) lodging in your house after hours but try to ignore him. When the DC are older, leave him....why on earth would you want to go into old age with someone who doesn't value you or regard it as his place to chip in domestically.

Remember it is your DH's choice to work such long hours (I bet that includes lunches, golf days, chats with colleagues btw) and that if he were single he would HAVE to either cook and clean for himself or PAY someone else to do it, and that he is lucky to have you caring not only for him but for 4 children too.

Good luck.

How are you today? Hoping you had a good time shopping and have had a good sleep....

hi OP. also wondering how you're doing?

do come back when/if you want to talk more.

YANBU. For the interim period while he is being lazy/unhelpful make your life easier by not ironing and bathing the youngest every day. You need to find a system to prioritize and cut down on what you are doing each day. This isn't the solution of course, but it will help you for now. I left my DH and am now a single mother with more leisure time and no mess creation when the DH "looked after" the kids. It's leisure time you both need to share equally. If you aren't getting any leisure time then you need to sit down and talk. If he doesn't listen then... maybe counselling, I don't know.

I had a lovely day shopping, thank you. I desperately didn't want to return home though and dragged it out as long as possible :(

When I got back he had vacuumed the house :) but despite reminding him to wash his and DS's work clothes, he claimed he hadn't heard me mention DS's so only washed his own. Other than that, he went on and on about what a wonderful day he'd had with the children, how happy they were and how easy it was.

I honestly didn't have the energy to point out to him that the reason for this was because MIL cooked lunch for them all, he didn't have to do any tidying up or washing up/clearing away as MIL did it all and, most importantly, he actually only had 2 children as the others were at friends houses!

Things have returned to normal and this will just be the latest incident in a long line to get brushed under the carpet.

Ah well, roll on Christmas eh?

Is your husband under 12? That is the only excuse I can think of for not knowing how to cook.
Next time he has a holiday from work, go away for the week, leaving him with the kids.
Then , when you get back, ask him if he feels rested from his break from work.
I'm serious.

I think you are!! Sorry but I would love to stay at home and be able to cook for my DH and daughter. as it is because of my job (i work 60+ hrs a week) someone elses family get to enjoy my culinary skills.

Stop moaning!

The thing is, going back to what I said earlier in the thread about him being a fantastic dad, he is always happy to have the children on his own. He said it sunday night that he'd had such a lovely day he wouldn't care if I went shopping for the day once a month as he loves having the kids.

I know I'm lucky that he is willing to do this but its because he literally does nothing else all day when he has them, he just plays with them. It's ok, I just clear it all up when I get back or the next day but he never gets to see what it's like for me during the day as he doesn't even leave the house with them (I think one school run would finish him off!)

Clear all what up? Toys?

I think that you sound very tired.

I think that you underestimate the pressure on your husband to keep a roof over the heads of four children during the worst trading conditions that any of us can remember. It is naive to suggest that he can just work less.

If you are a SAHM cooking is part of your job; but that does not mean that you have to kill yourself doing it.

This thread seems to have escalated in a rather destructive way. Let's get back to basics: how can your life be made less exhausting?

First, I would shut up two of the four bathrooms. One for you and one for the children is plenty. Clean the loos every day and the rest of it once a week.

Dust and hoover no more than once a week.

Allow the children's rooms to be as messy as they want. Who sees them?

Only iron that which really must be ironed (ie very little)

Get pizza when you really don't feel like cooking

The next thing is to make sure that DH understands just how exhausting being at home with the children is. Get a babysitter. Go out for a nice evening when neither of you is too stressed or too tired and explain just how tired you are. Get him to agree to a few hours, say every other weekend when he will have sole charge and you will have a complete break.

Be easier on yourself!

once a month!!?? wow how generous of him what a nobber.

dont use all four bathrooms. one for you and h ; one for the Dc to use.

get a cleaner or a live in au pair. you ahve four bathrooms and presumably as many bedrooms so plenty room for an au pair. the au pair can then help with a) cleaning b) watching the Dc while you do something for you.

you shoudl not be cleaning on the weekend.

if he hasnt cooked in 16 years he isnt going to start now is he?
again, get an au pair who can cook.

Anything that needs clearing up Val, be that food on the floor that the kids have dropped during meals, wiping the worktops in the kitchen, putting the Childrens clothes in the washing basket after getting them dressed rather than leaving them on the floor - just the general mess trail of destruction throughout the house

I don't underestimate the pressure he is under but he has been like this our entire relationship. First we had the stress of starting the business, then the pressure of meeting deadlines, then the recession of course. It has never been easy and it is his number one priority. He has gone into work within 2 hours of me giving birth, he went in late one night after I'd had an operation and had just got home from hospital (even he admitted he was terrified I'd bleed to death whilst he was in work), 2 years ago he spent the entire Christmas holidays moving business premises so worked every single day. No extra holiday taken at any other point to make up for it. He is a workaholic and rarely makes any apology for it. Of course I feel sorry for him, and grateful at the same time, but it's hard. If he even just stopped working on a Saturday it would double the amount of time he spends at home. He is off out with mates this Saturday so not working - funny how he can do it when it suits him

The sad part is that I used to want him at home more because I missed him, now I just want him here more because the kids miss him and I need the help he gives me with them. :(

Can you not ask him to tidy up as he goes along? Have you said " I'd love to go out more often but tbh walking home to a pig sty that I have to clear up when I get in pisses me off" - if you have already said that, what's his response?

well his response to ops suggestion of him cooking a meal on the odd occassion was 'fuck off' so i'm guessing it would be similar valium

I have said that but his typical response is 'I was just about to do that...' or I get him playing the trump card of 'I was playing with the kids which I can't argue with.

And it's not worth arguing over anyway. The point is that I've had a break. I can handle that.

The issue is, and ultimately what this thread is about, why can't he take on some responsibilty for just one day a week instead of sitting back and watching me do everything?

Well if dh suggested buying me a book on how to iron better as another poster said up thread, MY response would also be fuck off santa that's why I am asking Grape if they have had the conversation already.

So when he says " I was just about to do it" do you take over or do you sit back and let him clear up Grape?

justgrape - how about not doing any clearing up at home yourself for a day and when he asks about the mess saying, " i was playing with the kids ". i dunno. maybe showing works better than saying.

why is everyone so desperate to make this grapes fault?

lazy arse husband does nothing at home - oh it's your fault because x, y and z he can't possibly just be another adult human being who should actually want to do his share and make his partners life better.

Stupidly I end up doing it because I'd feel guilty at having been out all day, I couldn't then sit there and watch him clear up. However, that's exactly what he does to me so not sure why I can't.

We're polar opposites, we always laughed at how we had nothing in common. It didn't matter when we were in our teens but as we've got older it seems to become more apparent with each passing year. I am certain we wouldn't get together if we only just met each other now.

If that is aimed at me santa you couldn't be further from the truth and I think we have already established he is NOT lazy, he sounds like a hard worker who has a wife who needs more support from him, that does not equal 'lazy' in my book.

Grape, I am NOT having a go x