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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DH?

349 replies

OhThisIsJustGrape · 03/12/2011 15:41

quick back story: DH doesn't cook. Ever. Claims he can't, although has managed to knock himself up steak and oven chips on occasion and can boil pasta (after I had to tell him the instructions are on the back of the packet).

In almost 16 years of us being together he has never made me anything more substantial to eat than toast.

His main excuse is always that even if he did cook it, I wouldn't eat it due to me not trusting him to wash his hands/cook food thoroughly etc. Tbh I do have a bit of a germ phobia but I know that if I thought for one second that he followed basic food hygiene then there wouldn't be an issue. To me, he is using it as a get out cause.

I'm a SAHM, 4 DCs of which 2 are preschoolers. I have tea on the table for him every night without fail mostly. Often it's cooked from scratch. I've come to hate cooking over recent years, so much so that I rarely even eat what has been cooked as I now have zero interest in food. DH works very long hours, only ever has sundays off and the only contribution to the household tasks is putting the rubbish out when he remembers and putting DD2 to bed each night. Kids are bathed before hr comes home and I often iron in the evenings. My weekends are spent catching up on cleaning as he is here to occupy the kids so I make the most of it. I hate that my weekends are always full of chores whilst he gets to play with the DCs, I feel as though I never get a day off.

Anyway, after the DH non-cooking thread the other day in which lots of posters suggested buying the DH a cookery book I thought I'd try that idea. I just said to DH that I was going to buy him a cookery book for Christmas so he could learn to cook, I quickly added that I would only expect him to cook on weekends.

His immediate reply was 'fuck off am I working 60 hours a week to then spend all weekend cooking'.

I am honestly shocked. I told him that it was one of the worst things he has said to me, I feel he has totally devalued everything I do, 7 days a week may I add.

Oh god, I'm over reacting aren't I? I feel really shit because he doesn't seem to accept that I work too. He's an excellent dad but I get no help in the house whatsoever and I'm sick of it. This remark is just the final nail in the coffin I guess.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ChickenLickn · 03/12/2011 16:33

stop doing anything at the weekends. Just match everything he does. Play with the kids together etc.

If he asks for his dinner, you already have a reply that he himself approves of "fuck off am I working 60 hours a week to then spend all weekend cooking." Grin

Just try it for a couple of weeks, let us know what happens.

Original poster
OhThisIsJustGrape · 03/12/2011 16:33

No we can't afford a cleaner, unfortunately number of bathrooms in our house is disproportional to income. The recession has hit the business hard.

He cannot cut hours, no way.

And at the risk of dripfeeding, up until 4 years ago I worked 30hrs a week. Yes we only had 2 children then but I still did absolutely everything. House was smaller though so didn't have quite so much to do. Even so, I know 100% that if I were to return to work then it would still be the same. He still wouldn't help.

Oh, and if I served him up a ready meal more than very occasionally he would not be impressed.

OP posts:
maras2 · 03/12/2011 16:34

He sounds a charmer telling you to eff off,but I'm wondering ,in awe actually,where you live with 4 bathrooms and no nearby takeaway.

squeakytoy · 03/12/2011 16:34

I am self employed. My stepson is self employed, and my father was self employed, as well as quite a few other family members, so I am quite aware of how it works.. but if you have a family who are demanding more of you then you have to work around it.

Chandon · 03/12/2011 16:35

yabu to make yourself such a martyr. Think of the example you are setting to your children.

Get EVERYONE involved in the chores

change your life, not your husband Wink

MabelLucyAttwell · 03/12/2011 16:35

Hmmm. Several posters have suggested that you employ a cleaner or asked why you don't get one. Why don't you answer?

I'm not unsympathetic because I've been there albeit in a different age but, if you were to answer the question, you might receive a few more suggestions ideas..

SantieMaggie · 03/12/2011 16:36

No YANBU regardless of how much each of you to do he should not expect you to cook for him every day of his life!

alistron1 · 03/12/2011 16:36

If he lived on his own the poor diddums would have to sort out his own meals every night.

So what he works 60 hours a week, that doesn't preclude him from whacking dinner in the oven on a saturday/sunday night.

Me and DP have 4 kids, DP works full time (similar number of hours a week to OP's DH) I work part time (21 hours a week) and he cooks every sat/sun. He even manages to cook a roast dinner every sunday without dying of exhaustion.

Like you OP I associate cooking with screaming kids and stress. And when I was a SAHM and the kids were smaller very often DP would come home and cook 'cos I was frazzled.

Ignore the Stepfords, YANBU.

daveywarbeck · 03/12/2011 16:36

You've let the situation go on for too long is the problem. Why were you doing everything when you worked 30 hours per week and had 2 children? Ludicrous.

Oh, and if I served him up a ready meal more than very occasionally he would not be impressed.

Tough titties to him. He knows what he can do, doesn't he?

BoffinMum · 03/12/2011 16:37

I would be showing him where the baked beans and can opener are kept, and then buggering off if my DH spoke to me like this. It's fair enough that you do more domestics if he is doing more in terms of the business, but he doesn't have to be so rude.

valiumredhead · 03/12/2011 16:38

Ok, so let him 'not be impressed' -so what? He'll get over himself or go and cook himself!

With respect you do sound like you are making life very hard for yourself - what exactly are you cooking that takes so long?

alistron1 · 03/12/2011 16:38

"Oh, and if I served him up a ready meal more than very occasionally he would not be impressed."

Sweet jesus, I'm sorry not only are you NBU and quite right your DH is an arse of the highest order.

thunderboltsandlightning · 03/12/2011 16:39

"I still did absolutely everything"

Now there's a surprise.

I don't understand why people aren't seeing the stunt he's pulling on you. He's completely exploiting you. He's also made you dependent on him so you have no choices.

NinkyNonker · 03/12/2011 16:39

Yanbu, at all. By working during the week he has bought you for the weekends...didn't you know?

RedHelenB · 03/12/2011 16:42

I am sure you can cut the housework down, put jacket spuds in a few times so no "cooking" or a quick pasta dish. I am a lone parent of 3 & as I work I COULDN'T spend the time you do on housework so I think you need to prioritise your chores. Why not make his day off a family day, have macdonalds go out & leave the housework!!!

DeckTheHugeWithBoughsOfManatee · 03/12/2011 16:42

I was seeing both sides of this until you got o the bit about 'not impressed by ready meals.'

Tosser Angry

thunderboltsandlightning · 03/12/2011 16:44

She's got two pre-schoolers, plus two older children. The OP isn't spending all her time on housework, where do people get that from.

valiumredhead · 03/12/2011 16:49

OP is talking about needing to clean 4 bathrooms and hoovering whole house in order to be able to 'relax' enough to go out, and she has already said she is germ phobic thunder

squeakytoy · 03/12/2011 16:50

I don't understand why people aren't seeing the stunt he's pulling on you. He's completely exploiting you. He's also made you dependent on him so you have no choices

Of course she has choices. She can choose to ignore him and not cook. She can choose to say "you are taking us out for lunch on sunday"... She can choose to put a fray bentos pie in front of him and say "if you dont like it, tough shit".

Original poster
OhThisIsJustGrape · 03/12/2011 16:51

AIBU though to expect a grown man to be able to cook? For example - when I'm ill, the kids still need feeding. When I've just had a baby it would be nice to have had a meal cooked for me.

OP posts:
LEttletownofBOFlehem · 03/12/2011 16:52

Maybe if she was getting the chance to actually relax, she would be less tense about housework? (Sorry to talk about you as though you're not here, OhThisIsJustGrape.)

Original poster
OhThisIsJustGrape · 03/12/2011 16:54

If I don't get the house straight today then I'll struggle to catch up. He won't lift a finger tomorrow so come Monday I'll have twice as much shit to clear up.

I give up.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 03/12/2011 16:55

thunders, the OP says....

I'm just so fed up of never having a day off, I am going Christmas shopping tomorrow but I need to get everything done today so I can relax knowing I don't have to come back to it tomorrow and Monday. Therefore, I have 4 bathrooms to clean and the whole house to vacumn before cooking tea tonight.

Well put a vaccuum in his hand tomorrow as you go out... or just leave it.. nobody died of a carpet that didnt get hoovered for a day or two.. or get one of the older kids to hoover.

Leave the bathrooms... they cant possibly be a mess if there are only 4 of you using them (assuming the 2 younger kids are not going in the bathrooms on their own.. and again, get the older 2 to help).

It is Saturday... order a takeway or tell him to pick up a KFC on his way home from work. Tomorrow, go out for lunch.

He isnt making you cook and clean. You are choosing to do it. If it doesnt get done, nobody will starve or smell.

valiumredhead · 03/12/2011 16:55

Ahhhhhhh but you didn't say all that in the OP, OP so that puts a whole different slant on things.

What happens if you don't cook? Or cook beans on toast?

Anniegetyourgun · 03/12/2011 16:56

"When I've just had a baby it would be nice to have had a meal cooked for me."

You mean he...

Shock