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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DH?

349 replies

OhThisIsJustGrape · 03/12/2011 15:41

quick back story: DH doesn't cook. Ever. Claims he can't, although has managed to knock himself up steak and oven chips on occasion and can boil pasta (after I had to tell him the instructions are on the back of the packet).

In almost 16 years of us being together he has never made me anything more substantial to eat than toast.

His main excuse is always that even if he did cook it, I wouldn't eat it due to me not trusting him to wash his hands/cook food thoroughly etc. Tbh I do have a bit of a germ phobia but I know that if I thought for one second that he followed basic food hygiene then there wouldn't be an issue. To me, he is using it as a get out cause.

I'm a SAHM, 4 DCs of which 2 are preschoolers. I have tea on the table for him every night without fail mostly. Often it's cooked from scratch. I've come to hate cooking over recent years, so much so that I rarely even eat what has been cooked as I now have zero interest in food. DH works very long hours, only ever has sundays off and the only contribution to the household tasks is putting the rubbish out when he remembers and putting DD2 to bed each night. Kids are bathed before hr comes home and I often iron in the evenings. My weekends are spent catching up on cleaning as he is here to occupy the kids so I make the most of it. I hate that my weekends are always full of chores whilst he gets to play with the DCs, I feel as though I never get a day off.

Anyway, after the DH non-cooking thread the other day in which lots of posters suggested buying the DH a cookery book I thought I'd try that idea. I just said to DH that I was going to buy him a cookery book for Christmas so he could learn to cook, I quickly added that I would only expect him to cook on weekends.

His immediate reply was 'fuck off am I working 60 hours a week to then spend all weekend cooking'.

I am honestly shocked. I told him that it was one of the worst things he has said to me, I feel he has totally devalued everything I do, 7 days a week may I add.

Oh god, I'm over reacting aren't I? I feel really shit because he doesn't seem to accept that I work too. He's an excellent dad but I get no help in the house whatsoever and I'm sick of it. This remark is just the final nail in the coffin I guess.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Angelico · 03/12/2011 17:35

Just read the previous page and what you said about DH not being impressed if he got more than the occasional ready meal. This is clearly mental if he isn't willing to help. I would also suggest that either he has ridiculously high standards or you have. Chill out a bit with the cleaning. My sister married a man who came from a gleaming home (his mother was a stay at home obsessive cleaner) and he expected the same. She nearly killed herself after DS1 arrived trying to be some kind of Stepford wife, then basically put her foot down. Now they have a happy medium. He doesn't cook much but they will get the odd takeaway / frozen meal and no more obsessive cleaning. Much happier!

thunderboltsandlightning · 03/12/2011 17:35

"disordered eating was it?"

No it wasn't.

thunderboltsandlightning · 03/12/2011 17:36

How does he treat you the rest of the time.

Is he in the habit of telling you to fuck off?

valiumredhead · 03/12/2011 17:36

Stop cooking from scratch every night. IF he makes a fuss deal with it then bit don't presume he will beforehand. You need to focus on family days out at the weekends, for a change of scene if nothing else. Do you really hoover every day? If you do, then stop, it does NOT need doing every day. What do you normally cook in the evenings, ,is it complicated stuff?

StopRainingPlease · 03/12/2011 17:36

Does he often tell you to fuck off? Confused Whatever his feelings are about working/cooking/other housework, that's a very hostile responce and I'd be furious.

Angelico · 03/12/2011 17:37

Just saw your last post Grape - you fill your freezer with nice pizzas and have a bit of salad and coleslaw with it on a Sat night. Lovely!

NICEyBahHumbug · 03/12/2011 17:37

Meh, I think its about a balance of jobs. If you are self-employed it is different to being employed and I think its worth pointing out. He won't be ever be able to switch off from that. (I work for a small company - boss takes a week off a year + christmas. He never switches off)

If you CHOOSE to be a SAHM, you choose to take on that role. Its not forced upon you, and if your DH is taking the other responsibility of working, thats how you've chosen to divide your labour - I don't think you can suddenly have a go at him for that. You might not be able to switch off from that either.

Which is why I would suggest the compromise of a take out if you can afford it, to give you BOTH a break. In your case, he's not doing a straightforward 9 - 5, I don't really think he's taking the piss. You both have clear responsibilities and difficulty getting a break from them.

Also, he may feel intimidated and awkward in 'your' patch, and unable to live up to your standards. He may not want to show he's shit in the kitchen as it dents his pride in admitting that actually he's not very good at something.

In my house DH does the majority of the cooking. He's VERY good. He would like me to do more, but the reason I don't isn't about laziness. I feel insecure about it, and if he's in when I do, he constantly picks at me about how I'm doing it wrong, or how I should do it this way. It drives me nuts. I tend to refuse to do it now unless he's out the house.

I would feel differently if it was a guy doing a normal employed job and I would feel the same if roles were reversed for man/woman, for the record. In these circumstances, I don't think you can get too annoyed at him.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/12/2011 17:37

OP... When you cook in the week, could you make more and freeze it into portions ready for the weekend(s) when neither of you will cook? A few freezer standbys that you all like would save you bags of time for you ALL to have some time off at the weekend.

I agree with the other poster who said close off the rooms that are open unnecessarily, they don't need to be cleaned all the time, particularl if they're not being used.

If you want a vent here then fine but you need a solution - and that's going to be worked out between you and your husband and you need to be clear about what you want/expect otherwise you'll go round in circles.

squeakytoy · 03/12/2011 17:38

Ok.. on a Sunday, which is the only day he is at home.. what is he doing while you are cooking the dinner?

I think the passive aggressive approach of saying you were buying him a cookery book has elicited "fuck off" response.. and as I said, I am not totally unsympathetic even if it sounds as though I am.

I am certainly not going to call him useless or lazy though, because from what you have posted, I dont believe he is at all.

chibi · 03/12/2011 17:39

if the dh can't cook, and OP chooses to stop cooking, do the preschoolers need to choose to cook? Or do they forage? Confused

LikeAnAdventCandleButNotQuite · 03/12/2011 17:41

thunder

While more flexibility from OP's DH would be the ideal, he clearly is not the sort to actually do it while his needs are being accomodated. I suggest the OP herself becomes more flexible, lowering her standards with re: to cleaning, fresh home cooked meals on the table each evening and the time DH spends with their children (in which she chooses to dedicate to housework).

squeakytoy · 03/12/2011 17:41

You need to have some sort of routine that is a change from routine in place. ie Saturday night is buffet night... party style food or pizza that can be chucked from freezer to oven (something he is more than capable of) plonk it on a plate, and everyone help themselves while you sit and watch the tv...

Turn the oven on, plonk the food on the worktop, and say to him "I am going for a bath, would you mind shoving that lot into the oven please"...

valiumredhead · 03/12/2011 17:41

The dh can do fish fingers - the OP has already said that. No one needs to 'forage'.

Original poster
OhThisIsJustGrape · 03/12/2011 17:42

I don't vacumn every day. I haven't done it since last weekend as DS is petrified of it so I tend to do it when DH is here to keep him out if the way. DH never offers to do it for me though.

Ditto bathrooms, just once a week although they do need doing more often. DH has a v dirty job so ours ends up filthy.

OP posts:
PigletJohn · 03/12/2011 17:43

any man can cook if he wants to.

Working 60 hours a week is unhealthy and not conducive to a good home life. Some men make the mistake of thinking it is their duty to be a Good Provider at the expense of being at home enough to be part of the family.

thunderboltsandlightning · 03/12/2011 17:44

Why does she have to lower her standards because he's a lazy sexist arse? That doesn't follow.

Her lowering her standards isn't going to make him do any domestic work. Why are so many people here willing to support his actions whilst telling Grape that his exploitative behaviour is her fault.

He's had a servant straight from when he left his Mum's house. He must be laughing.

valiumredhead · 03/12/2011 17:44

Have you asked him to do the hoovering?

valiumredhead · 03/12/2011 17:44

Does he do manual work OP?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/12/2011 17:45

Oh right... so OP had a 'lunch ticket' then did she? Seeing as she's filling the 'servant' role? Hmm

LikeAnAdventCandleButNotQuite · 03/12/2011 17:45

Hmmm, if DH has a dirty job, maybe 'give' him a bathroom. He can make as much mess as he needs in order to freshen up after work, then you or he clean it once a week. You can then 'ignore' it the rest of the week.

thunderboltsandlightning · 03/12/2011 17:46

It makes people feel happier to invent things like the idea that you hoover and clean every day, Grape. So they can lay into you a bit more for daring to ask your lazy husband to do a single thing around the house.

squeakytoy · 03/12/2011 17:46

DH has a v dirty job so ours ends up filthy

Now that is one area where I would tell him to clean up his own mess. My husband leaves the bathroom as he finds it. He bathes every night as he has a job that involves working with all kinds of shit (quite literally) some days, but the one thing he always does is clean up after himself in the bathroom.

You have four bathrooms. Restrict him to one, and let him clear up after it.

squeakytoy · 03/12/2011 17:47

thunderbolts he works 6 days a week for 12 hours a day.. how the fuck is he lazy????

valiumredhead · 03/12/2011 17:49

And it would seem he;s not working in an office as he gets so filthy, IF he is doing manual work for 12 hours a day x 6 days a week then I doubt he has the energy for anything else tbh.

bringbacksideburns · 03/12/2011 17:50

Bloody hell! Are you married to my builder? He has four kids and works for himself - i should imagine the hours he does when he gets home he is exhausted.
But at the same time it is not ur for him to cook occasionally. Even if just once or twice a month to start with, or help with breakfasts - how hard is it to do Cereal?

You can carry on in this vein, bitter and fed up, or talk to him.

Don't know how old your eldest two are but they could help with chores and keep their rooms clean for you.

Slow cooker, ready meal and takeaway once a week would also lift the pressure off you.

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