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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I shouldn't have to ask DH to visit our sick baby in hospital?

160 replies

Poorlybabygirl · 03/12/2011 14:32

Name changed for this.

DD (4mo) has been in hospital with bronchiolitis this week. It is her second hospital admission. I am uber stressed about the whole situation, it's very hard watching your tiny baby struggling for breath. Even now she is out, I am on edge and feel like I have to watch her the whole time - not easy as we also have toddler DS.

DH takes a more laid back view. Instead of coming to the hospital, on one night he chose to go out on a work dinner, and the other he went out to the pub with his football friends. My mum was at home on these occasions looking after DS. I was basically on my own at the hospital, although my mum did come twice.

I have exploded about this today. DH has now said that I shouldn't be annoyed because I didn't actually ask him not to go out and to come to the hospital.

I will take it on the chin if I ABU about this but surely a father shouldn't have to be asked to come to the hospital to visit his sick baby? I had enough on my plate with DD's medical problems and organising childcare for DS, without having to negotiate with my husband about his nights out...

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 03/12/2011 14:34

I think that is very sad Sad

I hop your dd gets better soon x

CrotchFlakes · 03/12/2011 14:37

Who looked after DS when your DH was out? Who organised that?

I would be very very disappointed.

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 03/12/2011 14:37

You seem very calm ..... I woud be livid. I can't see any mother thinking YABU as your DH sounds like a selfish uncaring twit to you and your DD. he should want to be there 24/7, not going out drinking. What a crap father.

blackeyedsanta · 03/12/2011 14:38

yanbu. he should be offering you support and should not need telling to visit. you could have asked him, but it shouldn't be your responsibility to do so. why is he going out and letting your mum fill his role of caring for your other child?

Winkly · 03/12/2011 14:38

YAsooooNBU. I cannot imagine how he would WANT to go out with a sick baby in hospital, I would have been spitting fire after the first night he went out. Hope dd gets well soon x

zimm · 03/12/2011 14:39

Sorry Op but this monstrous behaviour. Is he normally so detached? Does he have any good qualities as a father? I can't get my head round this.

And get well soon to your baby DD.

Original poster
Poorlybabygirl · 03/12/2011 14:39

Thanks Valium.

I asked my mum to come and stay so she was there with DS, bless her, while DH was out.

OP posts:
ISayHolmes · 03/12/2011 14:39

So are you saying that he didn't come to see her once while she was in hospital? Because if so, that's awful. I would never ever be able to forgive or forget that.

anotherglass · 03/12/2011 14:40

Sorry your baby is unwell. Hope she's better soon.

YANBU.

Men have peculiar ways of dealing with stress but not all men end up going to a work dinner when their young baby is in hospital. That is very poor. Sorry OP but you and your DS/DD deserve better.

Methe · 03/12/2011 14:40

Men tend to leave babies to the mother Ime. Both of mine were premature and I spent months sitting by an incubator while DH was at home. He did visit, just not daily like I did. Babies need their mums much more than they need their Dads at 4months old and having you both there all the time isn't practical a you have a toddler at home too.

That said, I'd have been pissed off if DH had swanned off our for meals or to the football without appearing to give me and our DC a second thought so I don't think YABU. You need to give your DH a kick up the arse and get him to give you some support.

I hope your DD is improving. There is absolutely nothing worse that watching your child struggle to breath :(

MrsRhettButler · 03/12/2011 14:42

Did he miss 2 days or not visit at all?

Hope your dd gets better

Original poster
Poorlybabygirl · 03/12/2011 14:42

Cross posts. I am not calm at all, I am furious (basically kept it in while DD was in hospital and have now exploded). But he is making me feel like I am being unreasonable about this which is why I wanted some other views.

He is very good with DS, but it's like DD doesn't exist at all.

OP posts:
mysteryfairy · 03/12/2011 14:43

YANBU.

That is a really sad thing to read. When my DS2 spent six weeks in hospital last year (not even a young baby but aged 13) DH was there every day and had to be pleaded with to go home for breaks. It would never have occurred to either of us to do anything other than keep work ticking over and ensure our other children were looked after. I really am struggling to see how any parent could have made the choices your DH did.

Original poster
Poorlybabygirl · 03/12/2011 14:44

He visited once on day 1. The other two days he didn't come at all because he was at work and then went straight out afterwards.

OP posts:
girlsyearapart · 03/12/2011 14:45

No Yanbu I had exactly the same with my Dh.
Our dd3 had Bronchiolitis aged 4mo & was in for a week.

My mum had the other girls to stay with her.

Dh 'doesn't like hospitals & didn't want to see her with tubes in' so stayed away..

Think he visited briefly on day 3.

My best friend & sister both came to give me some time off.

He's a generally very good dad but when it comes to the hospital bit I'm completely in charge as 'I'm good at it'

Not great when I have one dd who has severe allergies, one as above who also knocked her teeth out last week & I have hospital appointments for my M.S.

Haven't had a choice but to 'be good at it'

Methe · 03/12/2011 14:46

I do think thee is a difference between a 14 year old and a 4 month old. A 14 year old NEEDS the support, a 4 months old just needs his mum.

Original poster
Poorlybabygirl · 03/12/2011 14:49

Thank you all. To be honest I think I am going to struggle to move on from this (he does have form, when I had a mc, but not sure how relevant that is as it was a few years ago).

He just doesn't get it all all.

OP posts:
Methe · 03/12/2011 14:50

Men can be shit :(

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 03/12/2011 14:52

It's complete sexist shite to say a sick 4MO doesn't need her daddy.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 03/12/2011 14:53

Most men have no problem getting this, Methe.

LIZS · 03/12/2011 14:53

If you hadn't got your mum to babysit presumably dh would have cancelled his plans. Perhaps you inadvertently gave him more of a let out on the situation and he felt less needed rather than available to cone and visit. Hope your dd is recovering well , dd had same and was borderline to be admitted.

BluddyMoFo · 03/12/2011 14:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DillyTante · 03/12/2011 14:58

My dh would be fighting with me for a space at our daughter's bedside.

Methe · 03/12/2011 14:58

No, it's not. It's biology. And I said she needs her mum more than she needs her dad, actually.

peeriebear · 03/12/2011 14:58

I know my DH would not even consider going out for fun times while one of our DDs was in hospital- especially a tiny baby! it is NOT normal, it's NOT a man thing and YANBU.