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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I shouldn't have to ask DH to visit our sick baby in hospital?

160 replies

Poorlybabygirl · 03/12/2011 14:32

Name changed for this.

DD (4mo) has been in hospital with bronchiolitis this week. It is her second hospital admission. I am uber stressed about the whole situation, it's very hard watching your tiny baby struggling for breath. Even now she is out, I am on edge and feel like I have to watch her the whole time - not easy as we also have toddler DS.

DH takes a more laid back view. Instead of coming to the hospital, on one night he chose to go out on a work dinner, and the other he went out to the pub with his football friends. My mum was at home on these occasions looking after DS. I was basically on my own at the hospital, although my mum did come twice.

I have exploded about this today. DH has now said that I shouldn't be annoyed because I didn't actually ask him not to go out and to come to the hospital.

I will take it on the chin if I ABU about this but surely a father shouldn't have to be asked to come to the hospital to visit his sick baby? I had enough on my plate with DD's medical problems and organising childcare for DS, without having to negotiate with my husband about his nights out...

OP posts:
LydiaWickham · 04/12/2011 07:28

And as I said up thread, the argument that your DD didn't need him there is pointless, she didn't need you either. But you needed to be there for your DD, he didn't feel that. He didn't feel the need to be there for you.

I'm really upset for you. He's basically said he needs to be told to show love for his family as it wouldn't occur to him to do it without being told.

MincePieFlavouredVoidka · 04/12/2011 07:38

I know exactly how you feel OP.

When DS1 was 4 months old he contracted meningitis - he was very poorly and in hospital for 4 weeks. When we were first admitted it was a Sunday and the snooker was on the TV (it was in May). When the Consultant came to tell us what was wrong I had to drag DH away from the TV.

DH carried on going to work every day, while I slept at the hospital. But the Thursday after our admission when DS was still on the HDU and his canula had failed again so they had to put another one on his foot, much to DS's distress, DH rang me to tell me he had had a bad day at work and wouldnt be coming to the hospital because 'He wanted to go home and chill with a bottle of wine'. I will never forget it.

I am really sorry for you OP :(. I hope your DD gets better soon.

PosiesOfPoinsettia · 04/12/2011 07:40

I wouldn't move on from this either. He obviously just doesn't care at all.

QuietNinjaMincepie · 04/12/2011 07:44

What ourplanets dh said. Fucking toolbox! If my dh had done this he would No longer be d or h. "I don't give a shit about you or our dd" is basically what he's saying. To ops h, you cannot justify what you have done. You need to man up.

troisgarcons · 04/12/2011 07:47

He is very good with DS, but it's like DD doesn't exist at all.

That comment concerns me.

daveywarbeck · 04/12/2011 07:51

He sounds shit, frankly. What sort of person wants to use their 4 month old DD's hospitalisation as an opportunity to go out on the piss? Seriously?

The reason he is being defensive is because he knows he has behaved appallingly. He can't handle that, so he's trying to find a way to make it your fault. Don't let him.

daveywarbeck · 04/12/2011 07:56

And I am shocked, genuinely shocked, at how many women on this thread are married to men who have done the same thing when children have been seriously ill. And not much shocks me.

My husband is a workaholic. A complete workaholic. When DS (4) was knocked over in the playground and had a nasty cut to the head a couple of weeks ago I went to collect him from school and decided to take him to MIU to get it checked over (it was glued so I'm glad I did). I phoned DH to tell him but reassured him DS seemed to be fine, I was collecting him from school and taking him to MIU and it was a precaution only. By the time I got to MIU DH was waiting in the hospital car park. He wanted to be with his son.

Animation · 04/12/2011 07:59

Angry for you OP.

Hope the antibiotics are working - very stressful for you.

snoopdogg · 04/12/2011 08:00

I'm taken aback by this too. Also, my exDH would have had to get past my mother to go out in those circumstances and I wouldn't have rated his chances!

Nomoremrtumble · 04/12/2011 08:01

YANBU op. It is a pathetic excuse that you didn't ask him. I am in no way backing him up but I wonder if you are always the strong one in the relationship. I have come to realise over the years that my dh is actually quite weak Sad and that he secretly feels i can cope with more than him. So when dd1 was in hospital he was hopelessly unsupportive - although not as bad as your dh I have to say! He did visit but I needed proper love and support - there was one evening when I was frankly terrified and he couldn't wait to get home to bed (i was spending another sleepless night watching monitors etc). I think he just couldn't cope with seeing dd so ill and me weak, but it took a long time for me to move on.

So going out could be a form of avoidance/denial - no bloody help to you though and still pathetic behaviour.

Animation · 04/12/2011 08:02

btw - wild horses wouldn't stop my DH being there - and he wouldn't need asking.

Laquitar · 04/12/2011 09:01

I am so shocked OP, his attidute is pathetic.

What i'm trying to picture is what is happening at home. I don't mean to blame your poor mother but does she act as this is normal??? Does she look after him? Mine would have told him 'ok now i'm here to look after ds so off you go to the hospital'. She would have expressed extreme shock (actually verbal abuse) if he didn't. And dh would feel very embarrassed sitting around.

If he doesn't come to hospital then your mum should come and leave him with ds - and some unwashed dishes in the sink.

How is your dd today?

NotEnoughTime · 04/12/2011 09:29

Im sad for you that your husband acted like this.

I wonder what his friends/drinking companions would have thought if they had known that his baby daughter was in hospital whilst he was out on the lash?

I hope you manage to get past this-I know I couldnt Thanks

pigletmania · 04/12/2011 09:30

He is very good with DS, but it's like DD doesn't exist at all

I agree with trois this is worrying and I would be thinking twice about being with a man like this. What sort of a father is he, and is he going to be to your dd Hmm. At the moment he does not sound like one, the fact that you said that he thinks he has done nothing wrong is awful, and I personally would be giving him the cards. Not only does he not care for your dd, but using your mum looking after ds as an excuse to have a good time, whilst you are at hospital with your dd. That kind of man would not be in my life. Your children come first, and if a man is not prepared to be a father to his child he is no man at all.

pigletmania · 04/12/2011 09:32

This behaviour would be the death knell of the relationship, sorry to be harsh it would. Be dh is totally undomesticated and can be quite lazy, but I know that he would be there at the hospital with her if anything happened to dd, she is his world, and he loves her so much, shame the same can't be said for your dp and your dd Sad

FantasticVoyage · 04/12/2011 09:34

Baby is only 4 months old?

Sounds like he hasn't bonded with her yet. So the question is how you get that bond to naturally grow.

auntiepicklebottom2 · 04/12/2011 09:46

what a selfish man, he should of been there for you.

how did you manage to have a shower or a break.

pigletmania · 04/12/2011 09:47

fantastic my dh bonded with dd the moment he saw her, that is no excuse, he has had 4 months, its not like she has only just arrived! Stop making exucses for that awful behaviour. He should have been at hospital supporting his wife and being with his dd not out on the lash Angry

cupofteaplease · 04/12/2011 09:48

YANBU

I am surprised your mum 'allowed' him to go out and didn't encourage him to go to the hospital, not that she should have to, of course.

My mum has come to stay each time dd3 is admitted to hospital so she can look after the older girls. But this is to allow dh to go to work, not out on the piss. That said, my dh doesn't go out often, whereas dd3 is likely to be in hospital frequently, so if an event was pre-booked, I would tell dh to go out rather than come to hospital. But the difference is, I know that dh would rather be with dd3.

I would be very sad about what your dh has done.

AnyoneforTurps · 04/12/2011 09:54

Haven't got time to read the whole thread but the OP is shocking. Whether your DD needs him or not, he should be there to support you.

If your DD was completely stable and you were OK and the work do was absolutely crucial for his career so important for your family's future, then I can just about excuse him going to that but a general piss-up is absolutely inexcusable.

I'm not usually one to start shouting "dump him" on these threads, but I do question what you are doing with this man.

noddyholder · 04/12/2011 10:00

Yanbu. My dp is there and has been as much as I have from day one. I hate all the 'he is very good with him' talk on here as if it is the mothers job and anything similar which the dad does is seen as medal worthy! I would be hugely turned off a.man who wasn,t fully engaged as a parent. And as for the poster who said he may not have wanted to see his child struggle to breathe? No one wants to but if you are the parent you just do it. He needs a stern conversation about his responsibilities as a dad and why he doesn,t feel them naturally

Secrecy · 04/12/2011 10:05

Wow! That's awful! Both not seeing the need to be there to support both you and your dad and your comment about it seeming that DD doesn't exsist.

You shouldn't have to, but since he can't see it you will have to sit him down and explain just why this is NOT ON.

I am really sorry for what you are going through, and I hope your baby is well soon.

Laquitar · 04/12/2011 10:10

Exactly cupoftea, that was my point. I dont get this. Does she feed him and make him cup of tea? Hmm

I hate it when grandparents are used in the wrong way in a crisis - to look after the 'poor' man. So if the wife goes to hospital then another woman (her mum) comes to take care of the house and ds. And he goes out.

So basically he hasn't feel the crisis at all.

notmyproblem · 04/12/2011 10:20

Scroobiuspip way up the thread nailed it.

OP says He doesn't have any sort of drink problem. What he does have is an issue with not wanting to be under the thumb like his dad is. He goes to extreme lengths to avoid this. Not sure if this whole sorry situation is an extension of that. I am still furious though and am not going to be forgetting about this in a hurry.

The answer to that is to point it out to him - ask it straight up "is your problem that if you think you do what I want you to do without my asking, you'll be convincing yourself you're under my thumb?" Get him to see that his irrational fear of ending up like his father is clouding his judgement and making him act like a complete arse.

Teenagers can barely be forgiven for acting petulant and deliberately doing the opposite of what they're expected to do because they feel the need to assert their independence. DHs really can't be forgiven.

OP, YANBU. Give your DH an ultimatum - either he faces this issue of his and mans up about it and improves, or basically you're not interested in him much anymore.

That's the truth right? Another incident like this one and you're done with him (in your mind anyway, even if doing it in real life takes longer), so it's not an empty threat.

I'm with the other posters here. This is a major turning point and one you'll be lucky as a couple to come away from without big damage. He needs to recognise and fix this before his marriage crumbles.

Hope your daughter is on the mend, OP.

QuietNinjaMincepie · 04/12/2011 10:26

I asked dh if our ds was in hospital whether he would come to visit when he finished work. He said he wouldn't even go to work he would be at the hospital. Op you need to show your husband this thread.