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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I shouldn't have to ask DH to visit our sick baby in hospital?

160 replies

Poorlybabygirl · 03/12/2011 14:32

Name changed for this.

DD (4mo) has been in hospital with bronchiolitis this week. It is her second hospital admission. I am uber stressed about the whole situation, it's very hard watching your tiny baby struggling for breath. Even now she is out, I am on edge and feel like I have to watch her the whole time - not easy as we also have toddler DS.

DH takes a more laid back view. Instead of coming to the hospital, on one night he chose to go out on a work dinner, and the other he went out to the pub with his football friends. My mum was at home on these occasions looking after DS. I was basically on my own at the hospital, although my mum did come twice.

I have exploded about this today. DH has now said that I shouldn't be annoyed because I didn't actually ask him not to go out and to come to the hospital.

I will take it on the chin if I ABU about this but surely a father shouldn't have to be asked to come to the hospital to visit his sick baby? I had enough on my plate with DD's medical problems and organising childcare for DS, without having to negotiate with my husband about his nights out...

OP posts:
ithaka · 03/12/2011 21:12

My DH, much as I love him, can be an insensitive fool. But even he, at his worst, would never go out TWICE while I was in hospital with one of our children. Unimaginable. Just terrible.

That he is now trying to make it your fault for not asking him to be there makes him even more wrong, if that is possible.

You are definately not BU, do not let him convince you otherwise.

TartyMcFarty · 03/12/2011 21:13

YA of course NBU. This kind of behaviour would be a dealbreaker for me too, although that's irrelevant as DH wouldn't dream of it.

The difficulty is, where do you go from here? If you decide it's the end, he would surely want fair access to both DCs, and with his regard for DD as low as it is, she would be emotionally vulnerable.

At this point I think you have to spell it out to him, along with your reason for staying, if that's what you decide, making it clear that the decision is up for review at any time.

Milowilo · 03/12/2011 21:13

YANBU

My brother's daughter was born with three heart defects, she was extremely poorly and spent the first five weeks of her life in hospital. Sad

He took the whole time off work, stayed in Ronald McDonald house, but never once picked his daughter up, cuddled or did anything for her? Hmm

He played the part of the doting father well, but behind the scenes his poor wife did everything, he insisted on staying at the hospital every night 'to be there', but we all new it was because he can't cope with their other daughter. As soon as his wife left he would go to the room they had and watch TV etc

He was very vocal about what should and shouldn't happen to her in hospital and would moan non stop, but never actually did anything!

I felt quite embarrassed when I visited the hospital watching him in all his glory, when I knew exactly what he was doing behind the scenes.

PS He still does absolutely nothing now, and his wife is run ragged! And their little girl is all better now and an absolute sweety!

Sirzy · 03/12/2011 21:19

Milo. To be fair to your brother when they are that ill there is often very little you can do other than be there. I couldn't pick Ds up or cuddle him for a week - even to help with nappy changes it took me and a nurse to do it and then the nappies had to be weighed so even that was clinical.

I can fully understand why people are scared by wires and machines especially when it's your child attached to them. However, that isn't an excuse to not go in even for a visit!

Original poster
Poorlybabygirl · 03/12/2011 21:22

Thanks for all your comments.

Just to clear up the situation with my mum - I asked her if she could look after DS while I was in with DD, as DH needed to be at work. She came to stay as she lives three hours drive from us so too far to go back and forth. Because she was staying over and looking after DS, DH could have been at the hospital with me in the evenings had he not gone out.

DH has a fairly senior admin role at his hospital - he is not a medic.

We are still rowing about this. He refuses to accept he has done anything wrong. I have not yet shown him this thread but I have told him I have posted and what the gist of the responses is. He rolled his eyes, as apparently he 'knows what people who post on mumsnet are like' Hmm

I am still furious and have told him he is taking the proverbial. I have never tried to restrict his activities before, but enough is enough...

OP posts:
PontyMython · 03/12/2011 21:26

Horrible. When my DCs have been unwell, wild horses wouldn't drag DH away whenever he could get there, when it was DD she had stopped
BFing so he gave me some 'time off' too. Either way there was no question of him wanting to be there, of course he did! One time he had to stay with DD, she wasn't allowed in to see poorly DS, he was devastated not to be there for us but obviously DD needed him too.

It's not just about DD needing him at this age, YOU need him too OP and he totally let you down.

Eglu · 03/12/2011 21:28

Well his comments on the 'type' that post on mn is bollocks anyway. There are plenty of dh's comments too.

His attitude is disgusting.

TeaOneSugarPlumFairy · 03/12/2011 21:32

My dd was in hospital with bronchiolitis at 5.5 weeks, naturally DH went with us when she was admitted and was there everyday, he slept over the first night and then we decided it was silly us both squeezing onto the little single bed so he spent the other 3 nights at home and I stayed with her.

He didn't stay all the time, but he was there a lot, brought me food in, fetched clean clothes and general provided support to me.

He didn't have to be asked.

DingDongDialsMavislyOnHigh · 03/12/2011 21:36

He really sounds awful. My DP isn't a huge fan of MN but I just made him read the thread and he is completely shocked, your H is an arsehole of the highest order. What do his family and friends think about his behaviour? By the way Methe DP thinks your comments are pretty awful too regarding a baby not needing their Dad as much as their Mum (BF aside obv)

OleaAndMarge · 03/12/2011 21:40

Hospitals aren't nice places, neither in your own words is "watching your tiny baby struggling for breath". I have various seriously ill family members and to be honest, I'd rather not go (but I do).

Lay it out for your DH that you need him there, and specify times. Yes you shouldn't have to ask, but I can guess there are lots of things you shouldn't have to do in life :)

Dozer · 03/12/2011 21:42
Angry

Is he generally like this?

AgentZigzag · 03/12/2011 21:56

There is no MN 'type'.

AIBU hardly ever has a thread when 99% of posters agree.

He let you and your DD down and won't accept it, he's a disgrace.

Hope your DD is on the mend and getting up to mischief before you know it Smile

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/12/2011 22:00

I thought I would copy other MNers and read out the OP to DH for his opinion.

"The husband is an arse. She is not being unreasonable in the slightest."

OrwellianNightmare · 03/12/2011 22:09

YANBU.

Your H has been uncaring, selfish, and a bad husband and father. Worst of all he is unapologetic: is he thick, ignorant or just lacking in empathy?

I am not in any way commenting on your relationship, but theoretically if my DH did that, the marriage would be on the rocks, with serious measures needed to ensure its survival.

mumeeee · 03/12/2011 23:46

YANBU, When my friends son was very i;; at the age of 4 months both her and her DH spent every minute of the day with him. Her DH would not have eveb thought not to be at the hospital with her,

JamieComeHome · 03/12/2011 23:52

He, for example, is a twat.

Does he drink a lot?

JamieComeHome · 03/12/2011 23:55

Also, if he's not at the hospital, he should be home looking after and reassuring his other child

Original poster
Poorlybabygirl · 04/12/2011 06:15

Well the argument is still raging. I think he does feel bad (even though he still blames me for not telling him to come!) as he spent most of Saturday being good with DS (taking him to shops, taking him to playground, going out to choose Christmas tree, doing his meals etc) and has just offered to get up with DD for only about the second time in 4 months.

He doesn't have any sort of drink problem. What he does have is an issue with not wanting to be under the thumb like his dad is. He goes to extreme lengths to avoid this. Not sure if this whole sorry situation is an extension of that. I am still furious though and am not going to be forgetting about this in a hurry.

OP posts:
ScroobiousPip · 04/12/2011 06:25

So sorry Poorlybabygirl. Hope your LO is OK now.

Re your DH's fear of being 'under the thumb' I would have thought that the best way to avoid that is to step up and take responsibility for his own life. If he's the first to suggest stuff like hospital visits, getting up with the baby etc then he'll be in control of his own destiny again. Waiting for you to 'ask' him to visit his own DD sounds like he's practically lying down and inviting you to take control of his life (presumably so he can moan about being under the thumb??). Do you think this is learned behaviour from his dad? If so, has he considered counselling?

Original poster
Poorlybabygirl · 04/12/2011 06:31

Scroobious - you have made me realise that either I ask him to do something, and he resists (fear of being under the thumb) or I don't and he doesn't, then I am at fault for not asking.

Lose lose for me rea
Ly :(

OP posts:
ScroobiousPip · 04/12/2011 06:48

Sorry, poorlybabygirl, didn't mean to make you Sad. Any hope you could talk to your DH about it once you've reached a truce on the hospital argument?

troisgarcons · 04/12/2011 07:05

Well, I'm lost! I'm not seeing why a grown man needs to be told to go and visit someone in hospital. Is he a man or a child? And you can tell him so. Does he need telling what leg to put out of bed first in the morning?

In the interests of fairness, I suppose, it could be said, working in a hospital he has access to 'medical opinion' - if he's told by a collegue that the childs illness is 'nothing to worry about' I can see why he went off on his works Christmas meal.

On the the otherhand, any normal person would have checked whether it was ok to go, or whether there was anything needing doing - like running spare clothes to the hospital, doing the side-of-the-bed so the other person could go home for a shower/sleep/see other child.

Bit of dipstick isn't he?

OP: you made a telling comment that he isn't interested in your daughter - why is that?

Morloth · 04/12/2011 07:18

YANBU

DH would never do this, we would be tag teaming time with baby in hospital and time with DS1 at home.

They are our babies, as much a part of hi heart as mine, it would be unthinkable for him to go out for a good time if one of them was ill enough to be in hospital.

He even wanted to wake DS1 up the night I had to go to the A&E with DS2 when he had croup because he wanted us all to be together, he was so worried.

LydiaWickham · 04/12/2011 07:24

Poorly - your last post basically says it doesn't it? He's not acting like a grown up in control of his own destiny, it sounds a bit like you've got a 3rd child to deal with, a great big overgrown teenager who isn't capable of taking responsibility himself yet is going round shouting "you're not the boss of me!" in a sulky fashion when you point out his failings.

If he doesn't want to be under the thumb fine - but why was he waiting to be asked to act like a concerned parent? Basically, he should have wanted to be there for his DD and for you. What he does now in order to try to make up for it isn't really important. You know now you can't rely on him when life throws shit at you. He's not an equal partner, he's not a support to you. You're doing this alone, unless you make him help you, at which point you'll be feeling gulity rather than supported. If he's bringing enough else to the table to make up for that, then fine, but make sure in your mind you don't expect any emotional support from him, treat any you get as a bonus. It's the only way you'll cope with a man like this.

3rdOneComingUp · 04/12/2011 07:27

When our DC2 was very ill in hospital at 5 months, we were told he was (out of the 17 patients in ICU) the least ill. This meant we could go home, shower and pack some bits and bobs for the hospital hostel. When i told the nurse how reassuring the comment had been after the worst night of my life she raised her eyebrows and told us not to believe everything consultants tell parents. 3 days later, DC2 still hadn't stabilised and we asked whether he would die, we were told 'he was in the best place and they still had weapons in their arsenal'. Not a 'no, he will be fine'. Thata day DH went on a boozy lunch, choosing to hang on the consultant's words of the first day. I can't tell you how angry that still makes me. However, he was there every day and did all of the errands and paperwork that was needed, which made my life easier.

DC2 ended up in ICU for 8 days and a normal ward for another week. Bronchiolitis is a killer and any baby admitted needs parents there. We even were told to bring our DC1 in to prepare her that he might die.