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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I shouldn't have to ask DH to visit our sick baby in hospital?

160 replies

Poorlybabygirl · 03/12/2011 14:32

Name changed for this.

DD (4mo) has been in hospital with bronchiolitis this week. It is her second hospital admission. I am uber stressed about the whole situation, it's very hard watching your tiny baby struggling for breath. Even now she is out, I am on edge and feel like I have to watch her the whole time - not easy as we also have toddler DS.

DH takes a more laid back view. Instead of coming to the hospital, on one night he chose to go out on a work dinner, and the other he went out to the pub with his football friends. My mum was at home on these occasions looking after DS. I was basically on my own at the hospital, although my mum did come twice.

I have exploded about this today. DH has now said that I shouldn't be annoyed because I didn't actually ask him not to go out and to come to the hospital.

I will take it on the chin if I ABU about this but surely a father shouldn't have to be asked to come to the hospital to visit his sick baby? I had enough on my plate with DD's medical problems and organising childcare for DS, without having to negotiate with my husband about his nights out...

OP posts:

PurpleDancingFairies · 03/12/2011 14:59

YANBU

DS2 (3mo) has spent 2 nights this week in hospital with bronchiolitis on oxygen. Dh spent the whole time with me and Ds2, he took 2 days off work. It is very draining and you should have had some help from your DH.

WorrisomeHeart · 03/12/2011 15:01

My DH says 'what a c**t'. I fully agree.

BarbaraWoodlouse · 03/12/2011 15:01

Whilst I don't think it's right, I can see how a man might not see the need to visit a 4 month old who is out of danger - "he/she won't know I'm there"/"need mummy at that age"/"is already getting the best care" etc etc.

But I couldn't for a moment see how he might not see the need to visit to support his wife. I know from friends and MN how stressful it is to be in hospital with your sick child and how company/a chance to get some food without leaving DC "alone" (albeit with nurses) is invaluable. Not to mention just getting a hug.

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 03/12/2011 15:03

This is awful, you poor thing. If this was me I'd be furious too. So would my mother actually, why should she have to babysit while DP swanned off to the pub instead of being at the hospital? Not that she's mind, she'd just think it was more than odd. I imagine yours is the same, whether she said or not.
I hope little one gets better soon x

juneau · 03/12/2011 15:05

He's a selfish twat OP - YANBU at all! God - even my DH wouldn't do that and he can be pretty crap where our DS2 is concerned. But to not visit his sick baby in hospital or support and help his wife at such a stressful time? Twat. Sorry, but he is.

Pandemoniaa · 03/12/2011 15:05

That's twattish behaviour of a very high order, OP. YA definitely NBU to be so cross. "Not liking hospitals" is a cop-out since who amongst us does? In an ideal world, we'd all avoid them but not when one has poorly children.

My ds2 had bronchiolitis at 2 months. He was a big, healthy baby up till then and it was terrifying to watch him succumb and be admitted to hospital. My ex-h who in normal circumstances had to be dragged from the pub and reminded that he had a young family at home, was as worried as me and to his credit, cancelled all his social outings in order to care for ds1 (then aged 20 months) and be with me and ds2 as often as he possibly could.

This would be hard to forgive, I'm afraid and I'm sorry you've had such piss-poor support at such a worrying time. I hope your DD is better very soon.

BarfTheHeraldAngelsHeave · 03/12/2011 15:06

Your DH shouldn't have had to be told to be in the hospital when your daughter was ill.

By blaming you, he's even more in the wrong.

tethersjinglebellend · 03/12/2011 15:08

At the very least, he should have been at the hospital to support you.

ImperialBlether · 03/12/2011 15:10

He's basically treated your child's hospitalisation as the opportunity to have himself a little holiday, hasn't he? Your mother is taking care of the home and your other child, you are away, so he's off to play. He sounds awful.

piprobincomesbobbobbobbinalong · 03/12/2011 15:11

So while you were with your sick, hospitalised baby, your DM put her life on hold in order to look after DS and facilitate your Hs social life?

Honestly, if your H has been at home caring for his DS then I would have forgiven the lack of visits. But to expect you and your DM to do it all while he carried on as normal is thoughtless and self-centred in the extreme.

pixiestix · 03/12/2011 15:12

Thats so sad OP. I would have trouble moving on from that too. Hope your little girl is steadily improving.

NinkyNonker · 03/12/2011 15:15

God, try keeping DH away, he'd be off work where poss. Did he struggle with it, was this a way of shutting himself off from it?

Flimflammery · 03/12/2011 15:16

Of course you shouldn't have to ask him. I would feel very hurt by such behaviour. He's acting as if he doesn't care. Maybe he doesn't...

elliejjtiny · 03/12/2011 15:16

I thought my dh was bad but yours is worse. My dh only came to visit ds3 in hospital for 20 mins a day when he was in at 5 months but at least he was looking after ds1 and ds2. I could have done with his support though. After 2 days my mum and dad came from their house 3 hrs away, booked into a b and b and stayed most of the day every day so I could go to the loo etc without having to leave ds3.

Themumsnot · 03/12/2011 15:16

Methe - my DH would not agree with you, nor would many of the DHs on here, by the looks of things. A family should be there for each other - you may believe (wrongly, I think that a baby needs her mother more than her father at that age) but what about the OP? He should have been there to support her at the very least. And as for the bonding thing - I returned to work (to a job that involved a lot of international travel) when DD1 was four months old. DH looked after her brilliantly and would laugh to scorn your suggestion that his parenting was less necessary to her than mine.

Original poster

Poorlybabygirl · 03/12/2011 15:20

So it's not just me and he is twat of the week then

OP posts:

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 03/12/2011 15:20

I agree with Themumsnot; leaving aside whether a baby needs their mother or father more, your DH should have come to the hospital to support you.

He's been a twat. You can tell him I said that. I hope your DD is better soon.

handsomeharry · 03/12/2011 15:21

My ex is one of the biggest arses you could hope to meet.

However when DS was admitted to hospital with breathing difficulties he did not leave his side.

OP YANBU.

Methe · 03/12/2011 15:22

Oh I agree with you that The OP needs support and her H sounds like an utter twat, I would be livid if my DH had behaved like that. I'd actually missed the bit about the Op's Mum needing to babysit so he can go on his jolly and am at that. My mum (and Mil) would have thrown a wobbly that suggestion, it's disgusting!

I disagree with your stance on what babies need, however. Different strokes for different folk and all that.

handsomeharry · 03/12/2011 15:22

Yes, he is a twat.

Zondra · 03/12/2011 15:25

He is a horrible, cold, unfeeling pig!

MrsChemist · 03/12/2011 15:28

YANBU like many others' DH's, my DH wouldn't be able to stay away if one of the DSs were hospitalised.

fidelma · 03/12/2011 15:34

It's not great but that said you need his support now.So just calmly tell him what you want now. It has happened and you have said your bit.Time to move on.He will know deep down that he has done the wrong thing.Sometime you have to be gently asertive.Hard when you were dealing with so much.

Give yourselfs a break.

Have a hug.

Angelswings · 03/12/2011 15:36

Even if he didn't feel the need to visit his dd, he should be on the ward giving you a break as another poster said, you need support . How single parents cope with hospital stays is beyond me.

My DH would have been in the hospital as much as his work would allow, eg he would cancel all but vital jobs.

Maybe your DH feels guilty but can't admit it.

Rhinestone · 03/12/2011 15:44

He is a shit father, a crap human being and a pathetic excuse for a man.

What are his redeeming features?

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